How Pets Help the grieving process

Statistics have shown that people who have a pet to care for live longer and have fewer health problems.   It is a way to support your mental health and pets are more loving than a therapist! (now all the therapists will email me, but you know what I mean)

I have a cat who has been with me since my husband died and she has been a surprisingly wonderful companion.  She is more attentive and loving than I had imagined. Somehow instinctively she senses when I need her warm touch, and she will come and sit on my lap.

Have you visited  a pet store lately?  If not,  you might be surprised at the wide array  of animals you can have as pets. Perhaps you aren’t a dog or cat person; consider having a rabbit, a hamster, or a fish.  A pet provides companionship and someone to talk to. (Pets are excellent listeners.) Choose a pet that fits your lifestyle because pets are a responsibility-, but are usually worth the effort and you will find them great healers on your journey through the grieving process. You might also consider visiting your local animal shelter or dog pound. They are always looking for loving homes for their animals.

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Permission To Heal, Recover & Find Joy Again

You are responsible for how you feel and making the choice to find joy again.

Yes, we must accept the responsibility for our own happiness.  It’s taking the first step that is often the most difficult to say and to actually do.  So many people feel guilt over having fun again, laughing and socializing.  For some reason we don’t feel worthy of a life of joy if our loved one who died can be here.

How do you take the first step?

Often times with the help of a grief support group you get strength from the other members of the group who are all experiencing what you are!  There is something to be gained from the support of a group and if you haven’t considered this option, it might be worth seeking out a group in your area.

If the group support isn’t your thing but you need professional support you should consider private counseling with someone who specializes in family & grief support.  In addition there are many life coaches who are trained in life transition who provide guidance and hold you accountable to moving forward.  This option works well with business people because they relate to this type of experience.

Find a buddy to help move you forward.  This could be a family member who is grieving the same death as you are, or it can be a friend who understands due to their own life experiences.  Many people can be a supportive buddy and it doesn’t specifically have to be someone who has experienced death.  Someone who has lost a job can be a good person because they would understand loss. Another good buddy would be someone who is positive, and fun to be around, this person is enthusiastic and optimistic.

Tell your buddy that you are looking for positive support and that you want to heal and find joy again.  For me I clarified that I want to talk about my husband, because that was comforting, but at the same time I wanted to make steps to move ahead with my life.  So be clear with your buddy what you want and also how you want their support.

Maybe you’ve decided to go it alone, that’s OK. Many people have a God given strength and are able to “play the cards they’re dealt” (my Dad uses that term).  If you are a loner so to speak, I admire your strength and ability to persevere. I just caution you not to let all your emotions for the person who died stay bottled up inside if in fact you really want to cry or express your feelings in another way.  I also caution you not to be isolated as an escape from dealing more openly with your grief.

(by the way, my Dad has handled my Mother’s Death with grace, dignity and has the strength to keep living his life-without any help.  I think he’s doing pretty good!)

I will talk more about the steps to joy in future posts.

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Reader Stories

2008 – Pam’s Story

“It’s a year since he’s passed and I was really waiting and anticipating on how I would deal with it. I wanted the day to be over with and get it behind me but I also wanted to honor him and made a promise to honor him every year. I went back to North Carolina and the place we were the happiest, the place we were going to retire to.

I found a small country church and asked if they would unlock the door for me to go inside with my dearest friends. I read a prayer that we gave out at his wake and the short note my daughter read at his grave sight. I cried and so did they and then I was left alone for a few minutes to sit there.

I came back home and made a very hard decision to take my wedding band off and put it the box with his. I’ll always be married to him in my heart. How will I deal with the second year when I honor him? So many questions to be answered and where will I find them?
I know the only way I can deal with this is one day at a time.”
Pam K.
Minneapolis

2009 -
Two Years out.

I am facing the second year anniversary of my husband’s death and some things are remarkably the same as the first anniversary. I started anticipating it about a month ago. I just want the day to be over with so I can say I got through it and now I can go on and face the third year.

I honored him last year by going back to North Carolina where we wanted to retire to and spent the day with two of my closest friends. We went to a small country church and I said some prayers and cried and swore “Why did you leave me alone?”. I thought there would be a great revelation but there wasn’t and I walked away and realized it was just another day of living. My friends and I went out to out to lunch and the day was over.

So many things have happened since he died, some really great things, some extraordinary things and I didn’t crawl into the box and pull the lid shut and wither. If we allow ourselves to see the world and be open to receive gifts, they will come.That’s not to say if I could have my life back with him, I would do it. I have him tucked away in a very quiet and secure place in my heart and he will always be there. It’s called eternal love.

Life goes on, trite as it may sound but I have moved on my journey of grief. It’s a life long progression and I have found joy through my tears. Keep your eternal love but live your moments with hope. Open the lid of the box and let the light in. I have written a poem that I would like to share. It’s a series of four Japanese Haiku’s.

Eternal Love

Keeping love alive
in your heart, soul, mind, body
soaring to the moon.

It takes two to fly
like paired monarch butterflies,
fluttering as one.

They reach their special
place and close their wings tightly
around each other.

They become as one
magnificent butterfly
asleep in the dark.

Fly with me.

Pamela M. King
Poet

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Inspiration & Hope

There are many lessons I have learned through loss, and I am coming to understand now that I probably knew these lessons all along, in other words they were within me, my core, who I am. However it took the tragedy of loss for me to remember those lessons and have the courage to take action and affirm how precious life is. I am not here to dwell on loss but rather support you in life.

Healing a broken heart can be done with time, courage and the desire to heal. Going through the grieving process and healing comes from within but we are not meant to walk the journey alone. Asking for the support of family and friends is necessary and perhaps spiritual healing from clergy or any spiritual advisor. From whomever gives you comfort, they too will help you to living life again.

Loss can bring clarity to your life and to the things that matter most, don’t ignore that. There is no going back for a do over, but there is another day to live a life of joy. Take each day as it comes, be grateful for where you are and what you have NOW, and be open to new possibilities. You can’t change the past, but you can direct the wind in your sails for the future.

For an inspirational read about the true value of living life, Please take the time to read - “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
–Randy Pausch

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Tips on Self-Care

Often when we are grieving a loss, we become so overcome in our sorrow that we neglect ourselves;

Please consider some of the following ideas;

1. Keep up on your normal appointments for hair care and nail care.  You may feel sad inside, but looking good does help go along way to helping you feel better.

2. If you can go one step beyond the hair and nail care, take time for a massage or reflexology. These are wonderful pampering services that help you relax and take a breath for an hour.

3. Go out for lunch and/or dinner. Getting out of the house for the change of scenery and letting someone else cook gives you an hour of relaxation.

4.  If someone offers help, please say YES.   Remember family, friends and neighbors  want to help you during this difficult time and if they can help mow your lawn, run errands, make a meal, help with finances or the car let them.

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Loss of a Spouse

Today I reflect again on the death of my husband, you see today marks the third anniversary of his death. And this year the date falls on Father’s Day which seems particularly sad because not only was he my husband, but he was a father.
I decided to honor his memory today by reflecting back on the great times, the times that I grin with joy about.

Grieving a spouse creates a different complexity to your grief, because of the intimate connection as husband and wife – you feel like apart of you like a limb has been ripped off. Things you shared with the one person who knew you better than anyone is now gone…whom do you now confide?   Who understands me?  And who will tell me everything is going to be OK?  Depending on your age, you might ask, Will I ever find someone else to love?

I’ve worked through these questions and many more, but I admit I shed a few tears today anyway because I miss the man who loved me so.

Here are a few tips from Author, Educator and grief counselor Dr. Alan Wolfelt;

1.  Start each day with a meditation or prayer – because for many widows waking up in the morning is the hardest part of the day because you confront this new day with the realization that your mate has died. When you begin to have the power to start the day with a prayer or meditation or simple affirmation such as “Thank you God for giving me this day, help me to appreciate it and make it count”

2.  Reach out to others for help – this connects you to other people and strengthens the bonds of love that make life seem worth living again.

3.  Always remember your pain is normal, it is in embracing your grief that you will learn to reconcile yourself to it.

4.  When your spouse dies, they live on in us through memory, to heal you need to actively remember your spouse and commemorate the life that was lived.  Remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible.

5.  A large part of your self-identity was formed by the relationship you had with your partner who died, now that you are single your other half is gone. Remember you can and will exist alone, it is just a different reality. You are special and find a new way of developing a new self-identity.

6.  Recognize that your friendships will probably change, the best way for you to respond in the face of faltering friendships is to be proactive and honest, tell friends how you feel and ask for what you need. Pick up the phone and keep in touch even if its you who has to make the first call.

7.  Keep it real with the kids – sometimes your own grief will have to take precedence. If your grief has left you with little energy for the kids, ask you family to step in and help. Remember it takes a village to raise a child!

8.  Be mindful of anniversaries, of the death, life events, birthdays can be especially hard.  These are times you need to plan ahead, take the day off work, visit the cemetery and most importantly reach out to others on these difficult days, talk about your feelings.

9.  Take good care of yourself is nurturing and necessary yet it is most often overlooked.  It may sound trivial but try hard to eat well and get adequate sleep.  Don’t overlook exercise, it is good both physically and mentally.  Now more than ever you need to allow time for you.

10.  Learn something new.  Sometimes mourners get stuck, feeling depressed and the new daily routine can be joyless.  This is the best time to learn something new. Think about one thing you always wanted to do and do it – art class – french lessons – cooking class – travel?  start with one thing and just do it.

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You Are Not Alone – Ask For Help

As we experience a loss it is important that you reach out and ask for help. Telling someone what you need is not shameful, nor is a sign of weakness. But asking for help may make you vulnerable and uncomfortable if you are used to doing everything yourself. (I say that from experience)

Most people feel helpless around you and would do anything to ease your pain, but we must remember to ask and not presume the people who love us are psychic!

Here are a few suggestions on tasks to start with;

- ask a neighbor kid to mow the lawn, pull some weeds or tend to your garden

- ask your brother, father or neighbor to help with anything related to fixing or repairing household projects

- ask someone for help with your finances, preferably someone you trust and feel has skill with money

- ask a friend to accompany you out to dinner once a week in the beginning of loss, this will aid in the feeling of lonliness

- ask a sister, mother or girlfriend to babysit the kids so you can have some time to yourself and take that time to rejuvenate

Now think of something in your situation and take the step to ask for help – you will be glad you did.

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Tips for Grief Support

Please don’t think you have to walk the journey of the grieving process alone…

1.  Ask for help if you feel isolated or alone. Reach out to your family, friends. Share with them how you are feeling.

2.  Reach out to your church, often you will find a grief support group within your church so ask.

3.  You can also locate a group near you through grief share.

4. Get back into a routine that brings some normalcy back into your life.

5. Stay connected to family & friends.  Meet for dinner or other activities outside the home.

6.  Feeling hopeful and laughing does not mean you are forgetting your loss, rather hope is a sign of healing.

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When Life Happens – Hints For Surviving Traumatic Loss

Life happens to all of us, but have you noticed that some people come out of trials stronger, and some come out crushed? We can’t stop bad things from happening, but we do have some control over how we respond to them. I wasn’t much better at this than the next guy before my wife and son were murdered five years ago. But I have learned a few tricks.

In times of loss we need friends and family more than ever, to help us from feeling isolated and helpless. But the sad thing is, now people don’t know how to talk to you. They want to say the right thing, but don’t know what that is, and are afraid that they might make matters worse. Sometimes this indecision blocks them from saying anything, they get embarrassed and then start to avoid you, and isolation is your worst enemy. That isn’t what either of you want! Snip this in the bud and be proactive; send an email to everyone telling them that you know they don’t know what to say, and you don’t care; you just want them to call or drop by. Just being with you, knowing that they care is all you want. Put yourself in their shoes: isn’t that what you would want them to tell you if you were unsure what to do?

It is also important to realize that our bodies and minds are affected when we suffer a significant loss. At first I thought that something was really wrong with me because my memory got so bad. A friend who had lost her husband told me I just had what she called “Widow Brain”, and that it would get better in time. Although it is temporary, an emotional loss triggers physical changes to our brain cells that affect our mental processes. While this is very aggravating, it is also a blessing in disguise: God does this to slow us down so healing can take place. Imagine experiencing the full measure of significant loss without this numbing effect!

There are other physical consequences of loss as well. Grief and tension wear us out; we need more sleep. This is particularly hard because another characteristic of loss is that we are less efficient, so activities take longer. Accomplishing things takes on an added importance because it helps us think we are back in control of our life. Since we think we must get everything done it is very easy to steal time from our sleep. That is like a college student who stays up three days studying, and then fails because he sleeps through the exam. We must discipline ourselves to let some things go so that our rest is not lost. Most emotional healing takes place while we sleep.

How do we reconcile needing more rest, taking longer to get things done, and (as often happens within life’s hard times) handle the new problems that pop up as a result of the loss?

One thing we can do is accept help from those who offer it. When my wife and son died I had many friends and family ask what they could do to help. Everybody offered, but since I have never felt comfortable asking for help, I thought I was being courteous when I declined. But one of my wife’s best friends surprised me by stepping into my face, grabbing my shirt and shaking me.

“Kent! We are ALL hurting! It is your job to find something for us to do so we can feel like we are helping!”

I realized that there were many little jobs that others could do. The next Saturday I set up a work day, and the guys worked on the yard while the ladies gave my house a thorough cleaning. Then I made hamburgers and we all had a burger party. Friends want to help; they just don’t know what to do. Use your imagination!

Profound loss is not for the faint of heart, but we are stronger and more resilient than we think. Right now you may feel like you are drowning, but this will pass. With the help of friends, family, faith, and an understanding of how our bodies have been affected we can come out a victorious and stronger person. Trust me!

Kent Whitaker is a nationally recognized speaker and author, whose first book, [http://www.kent-whitaker.com/]Murder by Family, reached the New York Times Best Seller List. His story of faith and forgiveness has been featured on Oprah!, 48 Hours Mystery, and ABC’s Primetime. Visit his website at [http://www.Kent-Whitaker.com/]http://www.Kent-Whitaker.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kent_Whitaker http://EzineArticles.com/?When-Life-Happens—Hints-For-Surviving-Traumatic-Loss&id=2036980

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