When Dear Friends Die – Proven Ways to Cope

When Dear Friends Die – Proven Ways to Cope
By Harriet Hodgson

My father-in-law made many close friends during his 98 1/2 years of life. So many friends died that family members thought of him as the “last man standing.” At first, Dad would get really upset when a close friend died. After losing dozens of friends his response changed. “He (or she) was a wonderful person,” he would say, and then he would change the subject.

Life taught Dad how to cope with death.

Karen Callinan writes about coping with a friend’s death in “Facing the Death of Friends,” published on the American Catholic Website. Coping with death is always hard and Callinan says “sharing the burden of sadness lightens the load.” You need to talk about your loss, she continues, but sometimes silence is better than words.

Death changes many things, according to Callinan, and “along the journey you cried, felt the depth of human warmth and emerged from darkness to behold once gain a world vibrant with life from God.”

In her book, “When a Bough Breaks,” Judith R. Bernstein, PhD, talks about the affects of age on coping skills. The bereavement experience strengthens mourners, Bernstein notes. “A number of parents who are older . . . aren’t sure whether to attribute their newfound strength and greater courage to the toughening power of surviving hell or the process of maturing over time.”

I think my father-in-law experienced both. He lived through hellish experiences, such as sudden death, and had the maturity to accept this blow and move forward with life. You could say Dad had “paid his dues.” As Bernstein explains, “They [mourners] see that the end product of their grief-work is that they become more definitive in what they value.”

At the end of his life all Dad talked about was family. Still, he continued to remember his friends by telling stories about them. Dad was a marvelous story-teller (you felt like you were there) and many of his stories were about fishing. At the end of a story Dad would sit quietly for a minute or two, and then his thoughts returned to the present.

He was able to do this despite his progressive dementia. I marvel at his ability, for there are times when I bring my thoughts back to the present by sheer force of will. This is understandable after losing four loved ones, including my elder daughter, within nine months. So I continue to work on “living the moment” and I think Dad did, too.

Maybe your dear friend just died. How can you cope? Talking about your friendship is one of the best ways. You may also explore your thoughts in a good-bye letter. Donating money to a national organization, such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving, is another way to cope. And you may volunteer for a sports team or youth group in memory of your friend.

The last coping tip I have for you is the hardest — forming new relationships. Bob Deits writes about this in his book, “Life After Loss: A Practical Guide to Renewing Your Life After Experiencing Major Loss.” Though his suggestion pertains to recovering from the death of a child, spouse, or parent, it applies to friendship as well. Making new friends can be a way to honor the deceased. It shows “you are ready to release your attachment so you can move on,” Deits writes, “to open new doors to a life for yourself.”

The death of a dear friend is a shattering experience. Put yourself back together by making new friends, volunteering, donating money, writing a good-bye letter, and telling stories. You may also record your thoughts in a journal. Your dear friend is gone, yet he or she will always be part of your life.

Copyright 2009 by Harriet Hodgson

http://www.harriethodgson.com

Harriet Hodgson has been an independent journalist for 30 years. She is a member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, the Association of Health Care Journalists, and the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from Amazon.

Centering Corporation in Omaha, Nebraska has published her 26th book, “Writing to Recover: The Journey from Loss and Grief to a New Life.” The company has also published a companion resource, the “Writing to Recover Journal,” which contains 100 writing prompts. Please visit Harriet’s Website and learn more about this busy author and grandmother.

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Memorial Day – A Day to Remember

Memorial Day is that day we set aside to honor those who have served in our military and died.  Regardless of our political opinions on war and the military, today let us all honor those who had the courage to serve this country with honor.  I thank you.

On this memorial weekend many people honor and pay respects to loved ones who have died.  I accompanied my Dad to visit the graves of my Mom, my grand parents, aunts and uncles.  We reminisced   about fond memories, shared a laugh or two as well as a private reflection.  I smiled as my Dad brushed off the dirt from the headstone where my Mom was laid to rest, pulled a couple of weeds and replaced old flowers with new.  He spoke a few words out loud to her and I was sure she was listening.

As we drove out of the cemetary I was deeply moved by the hundreds of flags I saw waving in the wind honoring those who died in service of our country, and all the beauty of the new flowers brightly adorning a site where someone was remembered.  Visiting a cemetary can be an important ritual to mourning because it helps us embrace our loss and remember those who have died.   If the body was cremated and the ashes not buried such as the case with my late husband, you may chose to visit the site where you scattered the ashes. Whatever rituals we choose to honor our loved ones who have died, it’s a time to give pause and thanks for those people who have shared your life.

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Widow Shares Heartbreaking Story

I’ve read several blogs on widowhood recently, yours has a sense of peace and hopefulness. Thank you.

I lost my husband three years ago this June while we were traveling in Europe, my husband was an invited speaker at a distance education conference in Vienna, Austria. The day after his presentation we were getting on a cruise of the Danube River when he had a strong pain in his belly and couldn’t catch his breath. Gratefully two men were immediately by my side helping him – they both spoke English. They recognized the seriousness of his symptoms and called for the paramedics. He was rushed to the hospital, where they confirmed that he had had a heart attack. He was 51 years old, very healthy otherwise. They said the heart was caused by a blood clot.

He lived for over 36 hours and stayed alert most of the time but he was very weak and his heart was pounding in his chest. It never occurred to me that he could die. People had heart attacks all the time and lived. I was just wondering how long we would be in Austria, how long before he could fly again. When I finally spoke to his doctor in the US who had gotten through to the doctors in Austria I grasped the critical situation we were in. I was told that if he went into renal failure the only thing that would save him would be a heart transplant and they didn’t perform those at the hospital we were in. I begged them to move him to a hospital that could and would perform such an operation. They refused because he was not yet IN renal failure. I asked them that if he were, would they move him, they told me no, it would be too dangerous to move him at that point. The frustration! His condition worsened and I was escorted out of the room so they could intubate him. Before I left I looked him in the eye and told him that I loved him. He blinked back his response.
Two hours later I knocked on the door and begged them to simply let me be in the same room with him. The nurse looked at me and said in his far too casual and less than perfect English, “Sure, you can come in. But he died.” Those words will echo in my mind for the rest of my life. I could not believe that the God I had been praying to, been pledging everything to if he would only save my sweethearts life would leave me alone in a country where I knew no one and didn’t speak the language!

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had been in contact with the local missionaries as soon as possible after arriving at the hospital. I could not have survived without the sweet and tender care of those boys. They were at a loss as to how to help me but they had access to resources and people who could. Other members took me into their homes; they helped me with the piles of paperwork and red tape involved with the death of a citizen abroad.In less than two weeks we were able to fly his body back to the US.

A sad side note to this sad story. My husband and I had only been married for 14 months. It was a second marriage for both of us. We had finally found what we had both missed for so many years! I had never been happier. We had plans for the future, plans we had never been able to make with previous spouses. It was all before us. Until it wasn’t. I was hurt and angry. I felt cheated beyond belief. My faith assures me that there is life beyond this. I am not at all sad for my husband. I believe he is in Paradise patiently waiting for me to join him. I believe we will be together again. And for him, it will be but a small moment in time. But for me, it will be years and years of loneliness.

Between us, we have six children. He had two boys and I had two boys and two girls. They are all young adults now, going through all the typical stuff and none of them lives at home. My nest seems prematurely empty.

Since my husband’s death I have completed an advanced degree, found a new job and am managing day by day. I cycle through periods of great hope, of contentment with my situation, to periods of resentment, frustration and anger. But I truly do try to focus on the positive.

I was given a second chance to discover what love really is, what marriage should be like. I count that among my greatest blessings. I don’t believe God punished me by taking him away, I believe he blessed me by giving him to me in the first place.
I remember saying to myself” I didn’t sign up for this! This was not the plan!” But then I realized that if the choice were; to have this man in my life, for only a short time, but with the promise of eternity with him or, never know him, never feel the loss of his death. I would have signed up gladly.

This was long. I’m sorry. I haven’t really told the story before. Thank you for giving me the opportunity.

Ann

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How Friends Benefit The Stress of Death

I just read this great article about the study proving the physical and emotional benefits of friends and especially women who benefit from their girlfriend relationships. Be sure to pay attention to the paragraph that talks about how much better women do after the death of their spouse if they have support of their girlfriends, a confidant to help them through the difficult times.

JoAnne Funch

UCLA STUDY ON FRIENDSHIP AMONG WOMEN
By Gale Berkowitz

A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special.
They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our
tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and
help us remember who we really are. By the way, they may do even more.

Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can
actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us
experience on a daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women
respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to
make and maintain friendships with other women. It’s a stunning find
that has turned five decades of stress research—most of it on
men—upside down . “Until this study was published, scientists
generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a
hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee
as fast as possible,” explains Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an
Assistant Professor of Biobehavioral Health at Penn State University
and one of the study’s authors. “It’s an ancient survival mechanism
left over from the time we were chased across the planet by
saber-toothed tigers.

Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral
repertoire than just “fight or flight.” “In fact,” says Dr. Klein,”it
seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress
responses in a woman, it buffers the “fight or flight” response and
encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead.
When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies
suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress
and produces a calming effect. This calming response does not occur in
men”, says Dr. Klein, “because testosterone—which men produce in
high levels when they’re under stress—seems to reduce the effects of
oxytocin. Estrogen”, she adds, “seems to enhance it.”

The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was
made in a classic “aha!” moment shared by two women scientists who
were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. “There was this joke that when
the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned
the lab, had coffee, and bonded”, says Dr. Klein. “When the men were
stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own. I commented one day to
fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress
research is on males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the two
of us knew instantly that we were onto something.”

The women cleared their schedules and started meeting with one
scientist after another from various research specialties. Very
quickly, Drs. Klein and Taylor discovered that by not including women
in stress research, scientists had made a huge mistake: The fact that
women respond to stress differently than men has significant
implications for our health.

It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that
oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other
women, but the “tend and befriend” notion developed by Drs. Klein and
Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men. Study after
study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by
lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. “There’s no
doubt,” says Dr. Klein, “that friends are helping us live.” In one
study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends
increase d their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another
study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their
risk of death by more than 60%.

Friends are also helping us live better. The famed Nurses’ Health
Study from Harvard  Medical School found that the more friends women
had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they
aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In
fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that
not having close friends or confidantes was as detrimental to your
health as smoking or carrying extra weight! And that’s not all! When
the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the
death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this
biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend confidante
were more likely to survive the experience without any new physical
impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends were
not always so fortunate.

Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much
of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to
our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with them? That’s a
question that also troubles researcher Ruthellen Josselson, Ph.D.,
co-author of “Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls’ and
Women’s Friendships (Three Rivers Press, 1998). “Every time we get
overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of
friendships with other women,” explains Dr. Josselson.”We push them
right to the back burner. That’s really a mistake because women are
such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And
we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind
of talk that women do when they’re with other women. It’s a very
healing experience.”

Taylor, S. E., Klein, L.C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T. L., Gurung,
R. A. R., & Updegraff, J. A. Female Responses to Stress: Tend and
Befriend, Not Fight or Flight

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Choose Words That Comfort Grief

When you talk to someone who is grieving, words often don’t come, you don’t know what to say. But remember that the one who is grieving does want to hear from you. May I suggest you don’t ask questions like, “How Are You Doing?” because when your logical mind thinks about that question, how do you think someone would be doing who just lost a loved one? Rather, ask a more specific question like, “Can I help with anything around the house this week?” or “I’m sure you are overwhelmed right now, but I will check on you again next week” and be sure that you do follow-up. To speak to someone immediately following a death a better statement might be, “I can’t imagine the sorrow you are feeling right now, but know that I am here whenever you need support”

Another suggestion is, don’t assume someone else is going to step in and help, because if everyone thinks that way the one grieving will have little to no support. Amazingly once the funeral is over, people move on except those grieving, that is the time when support is needed most. Also don’t be afraid to ask how you can help and sometime it might require a gentle push, but the effort and support will never be forgotten.

Any other suggestions are welcomed, please comment below or email me at; joanne@heartachetohealing.com

My Book, “I Don’t Know What To Say” is a wonderful reference for every family, because we all face death at sometime.

CLICK HERE TO ORDER YOUR COPY

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Lessons We Learn In Grief

This posting is being shared by my new friend Diana Sebzda, Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in issues of anticipatory grief, grief and pet loss.

WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?

When we lose someone we love, it is often our memories that sustain us and give us comfort, unless our memories are ones of regret.  How is it possible to have memories of regret?

Think about the last time we had an argument with our loved one and went to bed angry, left the house, or didn’t speak for days.  Think about how we tend to take for granted those that are closest to us.  Think about the times we may have forgotten a birthday, an anniversary or a special date that was important to our loved one.  Think about how many times we did what we wanted to do without any thought or regard to whether our loved one would be interested in doing the same thing.  Then think about hearing the news that your loved one died suddenly.

They are never coming back – they are gone forever.  Gone too are the opportunities we thought we had to make up from that argument, to say we’re sorry, to remember that special event, to ask our loved one “What would YOU like to do?”  Along with our feelings of grief and of missing them, we now have feelings of regret.  Typically when our loved ones are alive we have the time to make amends, to make things right.  What do we do when that opportunity is taken from us?

These are the lessons we learn in grief.  We learn that we have no control over the future; people die all the time, in many different ways – sometimes suddenly.  Our loved one could walk out that door to go to work and never come back.  We can’t make ourselves crazy with the “not knowing what our future holds.”  So we have to take the lessons and learn from them.  We can’t take our loved ones for granted.  We have to appreciate them every day, while they are still here.  Don’t make the same mistakes twice.  Tell our loved ones that we love them, that they matter, and that they are important to us.  Even when we’re mad at them.  We know that anger doesn’t last forever – love them “through” the anger, in spite of the anger.  Try to make each day special for them.  Hold their hand, give them a hug or a kiss, give them your time, listen to them – really listen to them.  Create loving memories that will sustain us and give us comfort, after they have gone.

Diana Sebzda, MA, LPC, CT

http://dianasgriefsupport.blogspot.com

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Spring Restores Hope

Everyone loves spring. It’s the season which awakens our senses with its exquisite colors, transporting fragrances, bird whistles, chirps and additional daylight. Spring’s breathtaking beauty doesn’t just elevate our mood, it restores our hope. Here’s how.

For kids hope is staring out a window and counting the days until summer. For teens hope asks, “Where will the girls be; where the boys will be?” For young adults hope wonders, “Where will I find my soul mate?” For middle age adults hope finds extra daylight after work and cleans up the St. Francis statue in the vegetable garden. For elder adults hope prays the next family gathering is a happy celebration.

However, it’s harder to feel hope when we have lost a loved one, our job, our home or our marriage. But, my Friends, do not despair. We can change our moods and circumstances. Yes, of course we must acknowledge our painful losses, but we must not believe we will always be this way; that we will never feel happy again. I’ve seen many difficult lives and situations change and sometimes even transform. Yes, my Friends, I have witnessed miracles.

I like to think that the hope of springtime is a companion of our pilgrim soul. Just as our garden needs tending, so does our soul which absolutely has the strength to heal, find comfort, and discover a new light of hope. So let us nourish our souls with the presence of loving, sensitive, and kind people. And let us remember to eat healthy food, exercise daily, and meditate on the line from St. Francis of Assisi’s prayer, “Where there is despair, hope.”

Yes, hope. I believe in it and clearly this gentle saint did, too. I have a statue of St. Francis in my garden. It’s my favorite piece because it was a Mother’s Day gift from my children many years ago. Do you know it was said that when St. Francis died an exaltation of singing larks came down low and whirled about over his monk cell? My dear Friends let each of us be ready for the singing larks over our cells. Let each of us live our lives with hope. Let each of us make Every Day Matter.

Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S.,CGP Psychotherapist and
Author of When Every Day Matters: A Mother’s Memoir on Love, Loss and Life
Simple Abundance Press, Oct. 1, 09 http://www.WhenEveryDayMatters.com
Foreign Rights St. Paul’s and Better Yourself Books, Mumbai, India for publication/distribution for Summer 09

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