Grieving After A Long Term Illness

Losing a loved one after they have struggled with a long-term illness, can present the bereaved with unique grieving challenges.  Even before we lose our loved one we may deal with grieving issues, also known as Anticipatory Grief.

Anticipatory grief means that we are doing our grief work, even before our loved one has died.  This happens because we see our loved one changing, day by day.  They become less able to do the things they used to do and become more dependent upon us for help and self-care.  The loved one could be a husband, who was strong and protective and now, through the disease process, is left bed bound and dependent on his wife for bathing and toileting.  A wife may feel intense sadness, not because she has to perform these duties, but because she knows how it may make her husband feel, having to depend on her in this way.  We also may be grieving the secondary losses that come from these situations.

One of the many secondary losses we can experience is the loss of our loved one’s income.  Imagine having to run a household on one income, if it were a two income home, or no income at all now that the loved one is seriously ill and can no longer work.  One must still pay the regular bills, in addition to the many medical bills that are coming in while our loved one is still struggling with their illness.  Add to these stressors, the stressors of being a caregiver and you have the recipe for caregiver breakdown and anticipatory grief.

Once our loved one dies, we may feel a mix of emotions – sadness, relief, guilt and regret – to name just a few.  These are typical grief reactions, but as a caregiver of a loved one who suffered a long time with an illness, we may also find ourselves wondering, “What now?” Our lives were so enmeshed with the care of our loved one, that it may have been to the exclusion of all else in our lives.  I know many caregivers who gave up socializing, working, and family events to be able to care for their loved one 24/7.  Now they may find themselves alone in the home, with no one to look after, and their normally structured day is now completely free to do whatever they like.  But what is that?

Part of the grieving process is to find our “new normal.”  Who are we without our loved one? What do we do now without our loved one? What kind of future do we have without our loved one?  A bereaved caregiver may find themselves wandering around the home trying to figure out what they need to do.  Often they get up to give their loved one their medication only to remember they don’t need to worry about that anymore, and with a heavy sigh, sit back down.  Or go to the other room to check on their loved one to make sure they are ok and walk into an empty room with the realization that their life has changed forever.  When we do understand that we have freedom and allow ourselves to venture out, we may be plagued with unease or guilt.  It’s as if we’re not comfortable in this new skin.  We have forgotten how to do for ourselves, how to enjoy ourselves, how to live a life without schedules or structure.

As with any kind of griever, a grieving caregiver needs to be patient with themselves, gentle with themselves, give themselves time to heal, time to figure out what the next step is going to be.  One of the biggest challenges is practicing self-care.  As a caregiver for our loved one, we typically put off our own self-care because we just don’t have the luxury of time or money.  By the time our loved one dies, our immune system is shot and we may find ourselves dealing with our own health issues, on top of our grief.  It is imperative that we make time for ourselves every day.  Take the time to eat properly, to rest, to exercise, to meditate or pray, to read, to listen to music, to spend quality time with our family or friends again.  I say this is one of the biggest challenges because when we are grieving, self-care is something we really don’t want to do.  Most find it difficult in the first few weeks to get out of bed, or venture out of the house. However, if we don’t – we will pay a heavy price and if we have children, or other family members, they will pay the price as well.

A new griever finds it hard to believe that things will get better. But it does!  Each person grieves and recovers in their own unique way.  Some will take longer than others, but with each passing day, it gets a little better and we usually find that we are starting to put a plan together for our new future, for our “new normal.”

Diana Sebzda, MA, LPC, CT
http://dianasgriefsupport.blogspot.com

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Thoughts on Father’s Day

I wanted to share some thoughts I have about Father’s today. First, I am blessed to have my father still here with our family. At 79 years old he is still vibrant, relatively healthy and interested in life. He golfs twice a week, still cares for his yard and house, owns a business he participates in when necessary and usually is the one partner with all the creative and savvy ideas.

My step daughter isn’t so blessed to have her Dad with us as many of my regular readers know my husband died in June of 2005. Kindra was just 15.  She dealt with her grief differently than I did or other family members.   I recall a statement made by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross that says “Children are old enough to grieve if they are old enough to love; they are the forgotten grievers.  They are forgotten because often times the surviving parent is often so overwhelmed with emotions that he or she is doing everything possible just to get through a day.” I encourage you to talk with your children regardless of their age about death, be open and ask how they feel, explain that death is a part of life.  If you are experiencing a recent death of your child’s father you might look into a bereavement group for your children. Sometimes talking with stangers about how they feel about death can be easier than opening up to a spouse who is also mourning.

Honor the memory of your father if he is no longer with you. Here are a few suggestions to get you started;

1.  Write a letter to your father, its a great way to express your feelings and release what you want to say.

2.  Write a story about your father and send it to a newspaper or magazine for publication, your are honoring his spirit and sharing him with others

3.  Do something your Dad loved to do, maybe he liked to go fishing – so so fishing for the day wearing dad’s old fishing hat and reminisce about times you fished together.

4.  Go to the cemetery or burial place and bring flowers or a memento that reminds you of him

5.  Volunteer or donate money to an organization that your father supported in life and do it in his memory

6.  Start a family tradition of something new that the entire  family agrees on that will build a lasting memory for all the family members

This past Friday the Oprah show was a dedication to father’s and a wonderful statement was made that said “Every father has a dream for his family…” So on this day I honor my father and my late husband for their courage and determination to provide a loving and secure home, and to instill character, honor and integrity into our lives.

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Anniversary of a Death

Today marks the 4th anniversary of my husband Allan’s death.  I still miss him and the life we had built together.  People have asked me over the past couple of years if I have “gotten over” his death…Wow, what an unbelievable comment that is and I say ” I will never “get over” the death of my husband.    That said, you probably wonder if I have been able to move forward with my life and how ?

The simple answer is YES, I did find hope through my grief and I did move forward with life without my dear husband.  Was it easy – absolutely not! I took one day at a time which turned into one week and one month.

I learned to ask for help because it didn’t take too long for me to figure out I couldn’t possibly assume all the tasks my husband performed let alone my own.    In my case, my husband and I owned a business together and therefore I not only had to assume his role in the company but I also assumed his responsibilities at home.  Some days I sat and cried over how I would get everything done and keep my life together?  But through the tears, the anger at him for leaving me, the challenges of keeping the business going I still had the support of  family and friends and I just  kept going one day at a time and you can too.

Here a few tips to share that helped me move on with my life;

1.  I don’t believe you will ever “get over” the loss.  But you will learn to accept the loss which is when you move forward.

2.  I realized I had to find a new “normal” for me and my life as a widow, and eventually I accepted that too.

3.  I didn’t make any serious life decisions until about 18 months after his death.

4.  I let go of my ego and asked for alot of help, everything from help with yard work to help with my business.

5.  I didn’t clean out my husband’s closet and personal belongings until I was ready, in my case that was 6 months after his death, don’t let anyone rush you into this until you are ready.

6.  Each year on the anniversary of the death of my Mom I do something meaningful to honor her death, this year I wrote a story about her love of reading and I shared it with my brothers.   In my husbands case I honor his memory by donating money in his name to an organization he loved and I do other things that honor his memory as well. Remembering is wonderful and I love to honor these deaths in a loving way.  I also honor my Mom and husband through this website. Giving to others is a positive way of moving forward with life.  Find something meaningful to you is the key.

7.   On special days such as mother’s day, father’s day and birthdays I found ways of bringing fond memories into my day.  I reminded my step daughter how wonderful of a father she had and we would laugh about silly memories and on mother’s day I would remember special things my mother did and sometimes would make a special meal my mother showed me how to make.  Each year that passes the anniversaries will get easier to handle and often become that of a great day of remembrance.

So today I will find quiet moments to reflect on the love  and laughter we shared, the life we made and memories I keep with me forever.  Yes, I’ve shed some tears and wondered what might have been…

I think I will also have a martini (something Allan loved) and I will raise my glass, smile and be grateful that I had been loved and cherished by a really great guy.

CLICK HERE to watch video on Anniversary of Death

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Courage To Heal Your Heart

I got to thinking this week on what it takes to heal your broken heart after a loss and the word that came to me was courage.  I know it isn’t always easy to get up each day and go on with life after suffering a loss of a loved one, it takes courage.  Here are a few thoughts to help you through;

• Challenge yourself to be happy again
• Be grateful for the life you have NOW
• Time for change offers time to be creative, let your creativity blossom!
• Celebrate who you are, might mean really getting in touch with yourself (what do you love about yourself that  you can celebrate today?)
• Don’t feel this loss is an ending, look at the next step in your life and remember there are no “right steps” only the next step.
• Courage means staying faithful, knowing life hold more for you
• Having a courageous heart means your heart dares to believe in a happy future
• I believe if you hang in and have courage the universe will meet you
• Allow your heart to dive back into life, it takes courage
• Share your gifts with the world, yes we all have gifts, what are yours?

I wrote to you in a previous post about the courage two young widows have who started the American Widow Project. Through the loss of their husbands who were killed in Iraq Taryn Davis and Nicole Hart are making a difference in the lives of other women who are widows of war.  Here is a new video that is worth watching: CLICK

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Grief Through A Child’s Eyes

Often we hear grieving children referred to as the forgotten mourners. We don’t mean to neglect our children in grief, but as grieving adults our world is filled with making funeral arrangements, dealing with guests, submitting paperwork that follows a death, and trying to deal with our own grief on top of that.

Part of our grief process is to struggle with the fact that our loved one is never coming back, deciding whether we are ready to go back to work, trying to take care of basic family needs, house and yard responsibilities and dealing with our well meaning family and friends who think we need to get out more and want to cheer us up – when that’s the last thing we want to do.

So where does that leave our children? Do we have the time to answer their many questions surrounding the death? Do we have the patience to answer the same question that has been asked for the 15th time, or to gently extricate them as they cling to us while we’re trying to get into the bathroom? Being a grieving parent can be a big challenge. Maybe if we knew more about what our children were thinking and why they were behaving a certain way, it would help us to support them better in their grief.

We do know that very young children do not have the ability to think of death as permanent. This is why a parent might hear questions like, “When will they come back?” or “What is dead?” Or sometimes we may hear statements like, “When they’re done playing in heaven, they’ll come back.” or “My mom is coming back tomorrow.” How we talk to our children about death and dying is instrumental in the understanding they will have about their own personal loss experience. “Teachable moments” are great for these types of discussions. Take advantage of the opportunity when finding a dead bird or animal in the yard. Have the discussion about what it means to “be dead.” They need to know that people don’t “come back from being dead.” Let them know that when a person dies, their body doesn’t feel anymore, it doesn’t get hungry anymore, it doesn’t need sleep anymore. Depending on religious/cultural beliefs we can describe the “soul” as leaving the body to go to heaven, or wherever, and that the body can be considered like an empty shell. Like when a hermit crab leaves one shell for a different shell. Keep the explanations/answers simple and concrete.

We also know that children can developmentally regress – temporarily. So a seven-year-old may want to be held like a baby again, or start drinking from a bottle, or wet his bed, or become clingy and not want us out of his sight. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense to do this. When we were babies, everything was great. Our every need was taken care of. Our parents were always available and always kept us safe. We didn’t have a care in the world. One child explained to me that she liked being rocked to sleep and drinking from a bottle because it reminded her of being a baby and she liked that. When I asked what the best part of being a baby was, she responded, “I didn’t have to think about sad things when I was a baby.” Yes, life was good back then. The clinginess develops from a fear that if one family member died, who’s to say that another family isn’t going to die? So they are going to hold tight to us and never let us out of their sight. EVER! So parents have to deal with trying to go to the bathroom or take showers – privately, or trying to get the child to school or letting the parent leave for work. These situations produce some heavy battles in the home. But knowing why their behavior is occurring can be helpful in figuring out how to deal with it. The best intervention is constant reassurance, structure and consistency. Their little world has been rocked and it’s just going to take some time for them to calm down and learn to relax again, and to trust again. But parents, take heart – this is just temporary! Patience and consistency is called for here.

Finally, we know that children have imagination and “magical thinking,” but it doesn’t always have a good outcome. It is very common for children to think they had something to do with the loved one’s death. If they were a better child, if they didn’t argue, if they would have finished their dinner, if they didn’t yell “I hate you. I wish you were dead” – the loved one would still be here. This can be a very closely guarded secret in a child for fear they will be judged a bad person, or that they did indeed cause their loved one’s death. It may take a professional to tease this out of them, but once it’s out in the open we can let the children know that it wasn’t their fault. Again, we just need patience and consistency – we need to repeat the same thing over and over again to reassure the child.

Not all children see grief and loss the same way, but if we try to put ourselves in the child’s place – knowing what we know now – and ask ourselves, “Why is this child behaving this way?”, we might be able to get the answer and know how to best support our children in their grief – which will help us in our grief.

Diana Sebzda, MA, LPC, CT
http://dianasgriefsupport.blogspot.com

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