Attainable and Measurable Goals Are Part of the Grief Journey
February 26, 2010 by JoAnne
Filed under HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH GRIEF
you because the idea of setting goals for yourself in the grief
process may seem a little out of your realm of comprehension, and
yet I hope you will see some value for yourself by the end of the
article.
this lesson from experience. After my daughter and father-in-law
died on the same February weekend I started thinking about goals.
Thinking was hard because I was overcome with grief and stress.
The loss of a child, no matter what their age, is devastating and
my first goal was to make it to the next hour. Then I vowed to make
it through the morning, through an afternoon, and through an entire
day. I worked on these goals and was making progress when my
brother had a heart attack and died. Three loved ones were gone
forever.
In November of the same year my former son-in-law died suddenly, a
tragedy that made my twin grandchildren orphans. Instantly, my
goals shifted from me to my grandchildren — my top priority. The
Cancer Net website discusses priorities and goals in its article,
“Coping with Change After a Loss.” Death changes your life and,
according to the article, “It may also be necessary to change
priorities for practical reasons.”
My twin grandchildren were 15 1/2 when they moved in with my
husband and me. At first my goals for them were basic: cook healthy
meals, get them settled, and research counseling options. As the
months passed these goals grew to include supporting school
activities, helping with homework (when asked), and having fun
together as a family.
Angela Morrow, RN, writes about goal setting in her article,
“Letting Go of Grief: Entering a New Season in Life.” Morrow thinks
mourners should set one goal for the coming year, another goal for
the second year after loss, and a third goal for the fifth year
after loss. “Having goals to work towards will keep you moving on
your new journey,” she writes.
Raising teenagers at this stage of life was a challenge and my
goals should meet this challenge. I read Internet articles about
setting goals and one, on the Top Achievement website, “Creating
S.M.A.R.T. Goals,” by Gene Donohue, was really helpful. The word
“smart” stands for specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and
timely. “When you identify goals that are most important to you,”
Dononue notes, “you begin to figure out ways you can make them come
true.”
I applied the S.M.A.R.T. approach to grief recovery goals. My first
goal was go get the twins safely and lovingly to their 18th
birthdays. We reached this goal last week. Goal two would be
getting them through high school. College graduation would come
next, and if the twins wanted it, graduate school. Diplomas would
be the measurable outcomes of these goals.
These are attainable goals and, most important, will prepare my
grandchildren for life. I will have to take good care of myself and
follow my doctor’s orders to reach these goals. This goal setting
has been a surprising chapter in my grief journey. You may have
surprises, too, as your journey evolves. Enjoy them.
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“How To Write the Right Words to Comfort” – By JoAnne Funch40 Ways to Write Words of Comfort to Anyone Going Through Life’s Most Difficult Situations
Where is God in Grief?
February 19, 2010 by JoAnne
Filed under SPIRITUAL HEALING
Crisis of most any kind brings our spirituality to the forefront of our world. The death and loss of a loved one is a traumatic time and one during which we often turn to our spirituality for support. Witnessing or experiencing the passing of one we love, is a harsh reminder of our own mortality and can easily induce questions about our own life worth. Our spiritual beliefs provide a meaning, if you will, to the dying process and death itself. It is through these beliefs that comfort is often found.
The term “spirituality,” does not necessarily refer to the religion with which you identify. Though certainly spirituality and religion are often viewed as one and the same, they are just as often seen as complete opposites. There is a broader meaning. Spirituality for many consist of relationships, meanings that are given to life and death, and our passion, commitments, and connections. For some, religion is where they go to church or temple, whereas spirituality is found in nature, meditation, or a personal relationship with a named or unnamed higher power. It not necessarily a creed-it is a way of being.
Understanding how we make sense of life helps us tremendously in how we make sense of death. There is a connection between the places in which we have found meaning in our world and what we perceive to be the meaning of the end of life as we know it. Those places and situations can change throughout our lives, as well. What you knew and believed as a child may not be what you adhere to now. It is helpful to look at how you have progressed and changed on your own spiritual journey.
The death of a loved one suddenly reminds us of our own mortality. It is a time at which we seem to automatically consider what really happens after death. We find ourselves thinking about what really does happen when the body ceases to function. Our spiritual understanding is the only resource we have at this time, as we often have no personal experience to help us. Unless you are among those who have had a near-death experience yourself, knowing whether there is an after-life and what it is like is based solely on what our religious background and current belief system have suggested.
Often it is our spiritual beliefs that decrease our anxiety and fears about death. Embracing your beliefs and spirituality can ease your worries.
Pray is an important piece of this process. If we think in terms of our thoughts being prayers to the Universe, we are always praying! There is, of course, absolutely nothing wrong with folding our hands, kneeling down, and asking the God of our beings to assist us and others. Prayer in this manner is perhaps more beneficial for us. What we are doing when we pray for help, is turning our problems over to the Divine. There comes a time when we are so overwhelmed that turning it over to God is precisely what we need to do. Experiencing grief is one of those times.
As part of the healing process, having a place to take the feelings and share them helps us to not always have to hold onto them, especially when they become too overpowering. The act of “giving it over to God” can be a powerful release for many. In some religions there are specific prayers for the dead. In Jewish tradition, for instance, the Kaddish, also known as the “The Mourners’ Kaddish,” is said as part of the mourning rituals in services, as well as at funerals and memorials. In other traditions, the 23rd Psalm is often recited, or a rosary is said. Some feel that prayer is one of the greatest acts of charity that can be given for the departed. It certainly has the ability to relieve anxiety and even depression.
Grief is a difficult process. By turning to God of our being our Spiritual understanding we are able to seek guidance on the road to healing.
Christine is the author of “This is not Goodbye: A holistic guide to helping children” And “Warming the Stone Children.” She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Ordained Minister. Her work can be seen at her site: http://www.christinesandor.com.
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