Loss of Spouse – Ageless

Tonight I had dinner with my 80 year old father and during dinner I asked him if it seemed like five years since Mom died, he shook his head and replied “No, not really, seems like it was much more recent.” There is a strange phenomenon that happens when you lose someone significant in your life, in this case grieving a spouse – its almost as if time stands still. We remember with great clarity how our life “used to be.”  During dinner I teased Dad about eating all of his vegetables and that I bet Mom was looking down to make sure that he was!  He laughed and agreed. He went on to say “I don’t eat as good as I should, Mom used to be sure I ate salads and the other vegetables”, I just nodded my head in agreement and knew that this strong, smart, articulate man who ran a successful business for 35 years didn’t know much about cooking let alone nutrition.  The loss of a spouse is life changing regardless of age or gender, we simply have lost one half of who we were and are faced with the challenge of finding a new normal alone.

Here are a few things to consider if you have lost a spouse;

• The change of being alone will take time to get used to, you may struggle with redefining who you are now, who you are without your partner and give yourself time to re-develop and remember who you are and who you were before you met your spouse.
• Remember you can and will exist alone, just as my Dad has had to learn to live without my Mom preparing his meals and providing a balanced diet, he now relies on other sources.
• Allow your family to be there for you, accept their love and support
• Maybe it’s time to reconnect to and old friend or colleague and renew a friendship if you are seeking companionship
• Sometimes long after the death, something simple like a picture, a sound or smell reminds you of your spouse and it brings on what is called a “griefburst” – allow yourself those feelings without judgement no matter where it occurs.
• Losing a spouse can happen at any age, it is sometimes helpful to remember some childlike behaviors to lighten up a little. Remember how children live in the moment and in wonder, so do something childish once in awhile – I guarantee it will lighten your load.

Have you read “Heartache To Healing, My Journey Through The Grieving Process” – it’s a book of practical ideas to help you, give you comfort and inspire you to better days ahead. For more info CLICK HERE

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Life After Loss

We all lose loved ones.  Some are gone before we really get to know them.  Others are taken just on the brink of  seeing how much the world really has to offer them.   So very many are lost in the prime of their life.  Others must wait what seems to be an eternity and we wonder what holds them here after living a full life.

Regardless of how we lose them the pain and grief some days seems endless and unbearable due to loves and bonds so strong  they extend beyond mortal comprehension.  There is life after loss.

We know we’ll never forget them but we want the rest of the world to know and remember them with us.   We look for opportunities  to talk about them and ways to memorialize them.

We erect shrines in their memory in the form of benches and gardens.  We plant trees knowing at least they will out live us to somehow carry on the memory of our loved one.  We donate our time in their honor.  We place objects that remind us of them strategically throughout our day to day lives.  We contribute to charities in their names.  In essence we look for every way possible to  immortalize our loved ones because we will always hold them close to our hearts.

Continue reading “Life After Loss” »

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Memorials For Loved Ones

I often get asked how to honor the memory of their deceased loved one especially on the anniversary of a death.  With permission I want to share a story from Heartache To Healing subscriber Mary A. Phillips because not only did I find it a touching memorial to her beloved husband’s memory but a unique way in which she chose to honor his birthday with an event of meaning and purpose.

“Yesterday I had a Pooh de Mayo charity event to celebrate with my husband’s friends. His birthday was May 5th Cinco de Mayo and his nickname was Pooh hence the name of the event. I had everyone bring a Pooh Bear or other bear to get in. Then we had a BBQ dinner for all. Collected 150 bears and had a good day. It had been 9 months since my husband’s death. Beautiful day and a good healing knowing that this is going to a local charity that grants wishes for children in Texas with life threatening diseases. It is like Make a Wish but a local one.

Just thought I would share this since I found it surprisingly a good day.” ~ Mary A. Phillips

Thank You Mary for sharing!

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Losing Mother

Losing a mother is a significant loss that we all will experience.  My Mom went to heaven May 18th, 2005 and as I approach the anniversary of her death as well as Mother’s Day I am  sad that she is gone and I am reminiscent over what a wonderful Mom she was.  When I sit quietly with my eyes closed I can smell her favorite perfume (which was Opium) and I can see her smile and almost feel her soft hands.

I don’t cry as much as I used to since she died rather I remember her love of the written word, her adoration of animals and her witty sense of humor.  She taught me to be strong, independent and to be a good steward in my community.  She encouraged me to follow my dreams and to stand up for what I believed.  So even though my mother isn’t here physically she is with me everyday.

If your mother has passed recently, you most likely still feel the ache and great sadness of your loss – that hole in your heart that you think will never be filled.  But Sunday is for honoring mother.  Honor your mother in spirit and honor mother’s still with us.

If you are a mother who has lost a child, remember you will always be a mother and even if your spirit is broken from your loss, your child’s memory with be honored and remembered always.

If you find this holiday difficult, please read my “Tips to Survive Anniversaries Following A Death“

“M” is for the million things she gave me,
“O” means only that she’s growing old,
“T” is for the tears she shed to save me,
“H” is for her heart of purest gold;
“E” is for her eyes, with love-light shining,
“R” means right, and right she’ll always be,
Put them all together, they spell “Mother,”
A word that means the world to me.

~ Howard Johnson

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