Anniversary of a Death
June 15, 2009 by admin
Filed under HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH GRIEF
Today marks the 4th anniversary of my husband Allan’s death. I still miss him and the life we had built together. People have asked me over the past couple of years if I have “gotten over” his death…Wow, what an unbelievable comment that is and I say ” I will never “get over” the death of my husband. That said, you probably wonder if I have been able to move forward with my life and how ?
The simple answer is YES, I did find hope through my grief and I did move forward with life without my dear husband. Was it easy – absolutely not! I took one day at a time which turned into one week and one month.
Allan
I learned to ask for help because it didn’t take too long for me to figure out I couldn’t possibly assume all the tasks my husband performed let alone my own. In my case, my husband and I owned a business together and therefore I not only had to assume his role in the company but I also assumed his responsibilities at home. Some days I sat and cried over how I would get everything done and keep my life together? But through the tears, the anger at him for leaving me, the challenges of keeping the business going I still had the support of family and friends and I just kept going one day at a time and you can too.
Here a few tips to share that helped me move on with my life;
1. I don’t believe you will ever “get over” the loss. But you will learn to accept the loss which is when you move forward.
2. I realized I had to find a new “normal” for me and my life as a widow, and eventually I accepted that too.
3. I didn’t make any serious life decisions until about 18 months after his death.
4. I let go of my ego and asked for alot of help, everything from help with yard work to help with my business.
5. I didn’t clean out my husband’s closet and personal belongings until I was ready, in my case that was 6 months after his death, don’t let anyone rush you into this until you are ready.
6. Each year on the anniversary of the death of my Mom I do something meaningful to honor her death, this year I wrote a story about her love of reading and I shared it with my brothers. In my husbands case I honor his memory by donating money in his name to an organization he loved and I do other things that honor his memory as well. Remembering is wonderful and I love to honor these deaths in a loving way. I also honor my Mom and husband through this website. Giving to others is a positive way of moving forward with life. Find something meaningful to you is the key.
7. On special days such as mother’s day, father’s day and birthdays I found ways of bringing fond memories into my day. I reminded my step daughter how wonderful of a father she had and we would laugh about silly memories and on mother’s day I would remember special things my mother did and sometimes would make a special meal my mother showed me how to make. Each year that passes the anniversaries will get easier to handle and often become that of a great day of remembrance.
So today I will find quiet moments to reflect on the love and laughter we shared, the life we made and memories I keep with me forever. Yes, I’ve shed some tears and wondered what might have been…
Allan and I share a martini!
I think I will also have a martini (something Allan loved) and I will raise my glass, smile and be grateful that I had been loved and cherished by a really great guy.
CLICK HERE to watch video on Anniversary of Death
Diana Sebzda on Mon, 15th Jun 2009 12:53 pm
I’ll be thinking of you on this special day today. Great YouTube video! My brother just wrote an article on how YouTube is THE way to get your message across now, especially coupled with blogs/websites/social media. You are on it!
I hope you take your own advice and take good care of yourself today, be gentle with yourself today, and enjoy that martini.
XO Di
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Pam King on Mon, 15th Jun 2009 7:29 pm
Jo Anne,
Today is the hardest day of the year and June 15th will always be a hard day. Honoring him in the smallest way will bring comfort not closure. I’m thinking of you and i know the empty feeling on this day.
Here’s a poem for you.
Time is like droplets of rain.
Some are fast and some are slow.
Savor each drop as there are so few,
and you will have a bucket of over flowing moments.
My thoughts are with you today and everyday as we both face grief.
Pam
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Gail on Mon, 15th Jun 2009 11:54 pm
JoAnn, I am thinking about you today,I hope in time I will be as strong as you.I do know I was very blessed to have Steve in my life for 10 wonderful years.
May God be with you
Gail
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Gabriella Holt on Tue, 16th Jun 2009 10:01 am
JoAnne, you always express yourself so beautifully. Today is a new day and I know you will make the most of it and carry the memories of your gr8t guy! It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all….take care my dear friend.
Gabriella
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Ann on Tue, 16th Jun 2009 10:52 am
You are a year and two days ahead of me down this path. My anniversary is tomorrow, June 17th. That date will never be the same for me and I struggle with how to mark the day. I have good friends who have offered to take me to lunch and others who will be taking me out in the evening. One is a widow herself and she knows that no matter how “busy” they keep me it will still be a hard day and there will still be tears shed.
My question is about his children. We stay in touch, one son more than the other. How do I approach them? Do I or do I let the day pass like every other? I can’t imagine that they don’t know what the day signifies as well as I do, but do I just call and say “how are you today?” Sharing a story about their father would be wonderfully healing. I love to talk about him! I’m just not sure how to approach it. Any suggestions?
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admin on Tue, 16th Jun 2009 11:36 am
Dear Ann,
Thanks for the note.
Regarding your upcoming anniversary date and the children -
first, I’m happy to hear you have caring friends that are offering to be with you, that’s great support. Yes, you will still shed tears but with friends.
Regarding the children, my personal feeling is that you should contact them and NOT beat around the bush about the death. I think too often in our culture we won’t even repeat the words “death” – We celebrate people’s birthday’s all the time so why don’t we celebrate someone’s life who has left us? I’m sorry but I don’t get that.
I contacted my step daughter and I said “I want to acknowledge the 4th anniversary of your Dad’s death, I miss him and know you must too. Just wanted you to know I am thinking about you today”
So Ann, I hope you celebrate your husbands life on this anniversary of his death and remember how lucky you were to have been together for whatever time you were granted.
with love, hope & inspiration,
JoAnne Funch
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Lee on Wed, 17th Jun 2009 7:24 pm
Thank you. Your shared thoughts and tips are the most helpful thing I’ve found in days of searching the internet, the Bible, books, friends and my heart.
Your pictures look so much like us! It has been only 41 days for me. I don’t know how I’m going to make it to 4 years as I dread each tomorrow without him.
But thank you so much for this website and I hope your day was full of loving memories that hurt less than mine.
lee
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admin Reply:
June 17th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Dearest Lee,
I am happy to know that you found some comfort in reading my blog post. I hope you will hang in here because I will try to provide the best tips and suggestions that I can. I also encourage other readers to comment because we can all comfort each other.
I know it has been too soon for you to find any hope and I understand. Your loss is so raw, so new and there is such a big hole in your heart.
Please be gentle with yourself, ask for support from your family and friends and know you are not alone. I encourage you to talk about your husband with anyone who will listen. Speak his name.
as the weeks and months go on you will find acceptance in his death and then you will have hope. Does that mean your heart aches less? Absolutely not. Will you no longer shed a tear? Absolutely not.
I also encourage you if you work to go back to it because it will give you purpose and a place to go, you need that right now.
Lee, you are not along. Please contact me anytime.
with love, hope & inspiration,
JoAnne Funch
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Barb on Fri, 25th Sep 2009 10:10 pm
Sept. 15 marked the 5th anniversary of my husband’s death. Most days are fine, easier with each year. But my youngest went far off to college this fall and the nest is too empty. The reality of dreams lost is overwhelming tonight.
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admin Reply:
September 27th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Barb,
I understand the overwhelm and by the time you read this I pray it has past. If it has not, you have to walk through that just like you did all the times these past five years. You are not alone with your feelings….my husband had been gone 4 years this past June and I also get days of overwhelm, sadness and especially lonliness as I am still alone. Does it pass? Yes, like you most days are pretty darn good, and I am happy and have found purpose and peace but with that said, I cut myself the slack I need when I’m not feeling so good. Remember, happiness is a choice and also remember happiness matters.
Hang in there and please share your feelings anytime, it let’s other know they are not alone.
with love, hope & inspiration,
JoAnne Funch
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Shannon Hoag on Mon, 28th Sep 2009 6:29 pm
Hi – tomorrow it will be 6 months since my daughter died and a little more than 4 months since my son in law took my grand daughters away from me. I lost all of my immediate family in one fell swoop. Now I am in a new job – how do I tell them that if they see me crying not to worry – how do I tell them my daughter died? They asked me last week how many children I had and I almost choked. What do you say? This is harder than I ever thought it would be.
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admin Reply:
September 28th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Dear Shannon,
My heart breaks for your loss, I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child and I thank you for opening your heart and sharing here.
I am a believer in being honest to your new employer, share in confidence that your daughter died and that you are still mourning her death and explain if they see you having a quiet and sad day to please be compassionate to your loss. I do not think you should grieve alone, and that means we need to ask for help and the support we need. We need to talk about our loved ones that have passed because it keeps their memory alive in us, its others who won’t speak the deceased name because they don’t want to hurt you.
I know this is the hard, and I want to encourage you to find the inner strength you have and share your sorrow because that sorrow is part of who you are. With all this said, you have to be comfortable in sharing this part of your life and please do whatever you need for your own peace.
You have my support and please feel free to email anytime.
Are you involved in any grief support groups?
with love, hope & inspiration,
JoAnne Funch
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Dee on Thu, 14th Jan 2010 11:59 pm
my mom died on jan. 23 2009 in my arms of pancreatic cancer. it wss horrible to see her decline so quick and even worse to be unable to make her better . so, it is approaching her anniversary and i am feeling anxious and having little flashbacks of her last few days of life. it just takes my breath way just thinking of it. my heart still hurts as if it was yesterday i miss her so very much . just thinking of her writting this makes me cry. is this normal? will i ever stop crying?
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