I know some of you reading this are like me in that I was not prepared when my husband died suddenly, in my case, we never talked about these types of future plans, and so I was unprepared and called the only funeral home I knew in town.  I was at the mercy of the funeral home and being in a state of shock to begin with, I probably did not make any rational and certainly not good economic decisions, I just wrote the check.

I have come to understand that the funeral industry is big business, and many funeral homes are owned by corporations not by caring people who has served the community for years and know your name and care about your best interest and not up-selling you a casket and funeral package you can’t afford.  Often they use terms that a vulnerable person who just lost their loved one buys into like “doesn’t your loved one deserve the best legacy” or “doesn’t your loved one deserve this type of celebration.”

Let me share a portion of the article that got me so hot today;

If you have visited (website will remain anonymous, but this was written my a funeral industry association that supports funeral directors) in the past few months, you have surely noticed articles covering the topic of the “Boomer” generation. The current “death trough” and the sinking economy are beginning to take their toll on the funeral industry. For funeral directors the deaths of baby boomers – people born between 1946 and 1964 – is a windfall worth lusting over, if they can make it through the current decline in death that is projected to last a few more years.

Reports from federal agencies that track population and health statistics indicate the nation’s death rate has dropped slightly and is expected to plateau for several more years. But baby boomers won’t be able to escape the inevitable forever. The U.S. Census Bureau projects the annual number of deaths in the United States will rise from 2.6 million in 2010 to 3 million in 2024 and 4 million in 2043.

The Boomers are a generation who has changed just about everything in their path as they have made their way through life; they are even beginning to change the way we handle death.

What really ticked me off were the words “death trough” and “is a windfall worth lusting over” not very comforting words when you have to plan a funeral is it. So be aware!

So I am sharing this to encourage you to help a family member or friend with some difficult and yet important planning both financially, legally and medically;

What is an Advance Health Care Directive (AHCD)?

An Advance Health Care Directive (AHCD) is a document that instructs others about your care should you be unable to make decisions on your own.

How do I create an Advance Health Care Directive?

Advance Health Care Directive forms are available by state CLICK HERE

Request a Free Financial Planning Resource Kit

Also, in my  November Heart of the Matter Newsletter I am including an article from a financial planner friend of mine who has some good advice for any of us who are and have been unprepared financially.

Share on Facebook

Maria spoke about grief in terms I know all of you understand. She said “grief can cause a disconnect between how you feel and how you think you’re supposed to behave, and cracks your heart into little pieces.”

California First Lady Maria Shriver began her speech by sharing some of the feelings, experiences and emotions she had this summer after both her mother, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, and her uncle, Senator Edward M. Kennedy’s passed away.

Maria was then joined by an amazing  group of women living in every stage of grief: actress and dancer Lisa Niemi (widow of Patrick Swayze), actress Susan St. James, and  Elizabeth Edwards.

Shriver began by asking Lisa Niemi, wife of Patrick Swayze, if it’s easier to let go if you know death is coming.  Lisa shared that she thought the long months of her husband’s illness would help her get used to the idea of loss but it didn’t. When Patrick’s death came, it made the “sadness and grief prior to that look like an intellectual concept.”

Susan St. James lost her son Teddy in a plane crash five years ago.  Shriver asked her, “Listening to Lisa, is the pain five years later still the same?”

Susan says it is and shared how she once told her husband that if she ever lost a child she’d never speak again.  But of course, right after the crash she had to deal with it.  “You take your character and then you choose how you’re going to go on.”

Elizabeth Edwards lost her son 14 years ago and she says, “The truth is you honor somebody by taking whatever greatness they had in their life and incorporate it…translate it into your own life as you move forward.”

Edwards went on to share, “You’re not going to get over it.  You’re never ever going to get over it.” And you don’t know what the trigger will be.  She shares how she dissolved into tears last week when she saw a picture of a young woman that’s the age her son would be right now. But you try to turn these things into something positive.

Maria also made the comment that “so many people don’t know what to say” and asked the panel about things that were said to them, the funniest being Susan St James who said that some guy said to her that he understood her loss because his dog died!

Maria Shriver ended the discussion by saying the most important thing is that the grieving process hasn’t beaten these women, “And you’re an inspiration to all of us.”

I encourage you to take a half an hour to listen to the interview you will find on this LINK. Click the play button on the viewer, the video starts with several other interviews, that personally I found very worthwhile, but should you want to skip forward to the interview with Maria Schriver move the slider on the timer to 1:22 minutes.

Maria Shriver, Elizabeth Edwards, Susan Saint James, Lisa Niemi

Share on Facebook

At times, adults have a tendency to talk at children while trying to dispense wisdom, concern, and love. The subject of death may be danced around, with euphemisms utilized and half-truths uttered. Of course, this is done with good intentions, for adults feel a need to protect innocent young ones.
You may want to consider the idea that children can be very powerful teachers to the adults who surround them. Accordingly, it may be better to step back and really listen to what they have to say.

Try not to tell a child how to feel – instead, you can ask him/her how he/she does feel. Each child is a unique individual with feelings of his or her own, and, consequently, each child will experience grief differently. For example, one child may constantly be in tears, and another may hide his/her tears and not want to talk about his/her loss. Letting a child know that there is no right or wrong way to feel allows him/her the freedom to grieve in his or her own personal fashion.

At a time when both parent and child are grief-stricken, it is very easy for communication to falter. Consequently, each may have a hard time really hearing what the other needs.

If a young child had enough wisdom to understand his/her actions/reactions to the loss of his/her parent and the words to express his/her emotions, the following might be communicated.

Dear Daddy/Mommy,

I had a special relationship with Daddy/Mommy, and I need to grieve for all the things I will miss doing with him/her. They are different than the things you will miss about him/her. Please don’t tell me how I should feel because it may not be right and then you will make me think I’m doing something wrong.

Please tell me the truth about what happened in terms that I can understand. If you tell me Daddy/Mommy went on a trip, then I will expect him/her to come home. I am more afraid of not knowing what really happened than to face sad and difficult truths.

Please allow me to attend my father’s/mother’s funeral. I might be scared and not understand everything, but I need to physically understand where he/she is going to be.

Please keep talking to me about life and death. Be patient when I ask many questions, even when they are the same ones over and over again. I am just trying to understand all these new concepts, and I need to hear the answers more than once. Try to explain it to me in different ways until I can grasp the idea. Pictures are helpful too.

Please explain to me that Daddy/Mommy didn’t die because I was a bad boy/girl and made him/her angry sometimes. Let me know that his/her death wasn’t a punishment for me. Tell me the real cause of the death, so I don’t have to feel guilty.

Be patient with me when I say, much too often, I have a stomachache or a headache. It is just that my heart hurts so much, it makes the rest of my body feel sick too. I am not faking to get out of going to school or having to do chores. I am using all my energy learning to adjust to a new life without a father/mother that sometimes my body becomes weak. I don’t want to feel this way, and I am trying very hard to be strong.

Please know that I am looking to you for guidance. I am going to follow your lead. If you pretend everything is fine, I will too. If you stay in bed all day because you can’t face the world, I will too. If you start acting wild by drinking and staying out late, I will too. If you become mean and mad at the world, I will too.

Please be a good role model. Show me the way to recovery through hard work, facing one’s fears and problems, and finding new ways to live, love and be happy. That is the greatest gift you can give me.

Keep in mind, each child will deal with his/her grief differently and on his/her own timetable. If everything is going smoothly for the moment, don’t look for hidden troubles. It may take some time for a child to process all the ramifications of the loss of a parent. Additionally, remember that a child must reprocess all this information at each new developmental stage of life. As desirable as it may sound, you can’t hurry up and get over grief. The journey to a healthy and successful new life is a long process, and the more triumphant the adult, the better the child will fare..

Ellen Gerst is the author of A Practical Guide to Widow/erhood. Born out of Ellen’s own experiences as a young widow, A Practical Guide provides suggestions to help a griever re-adjust each aspect of his/her life without his/her loved one. Ellen has also written two books for grieving children: Let’s Get A Grip on Grief (for ages 5-8) and Let’s Get A Grasp on Grief (for ages 9-12). For more information, go to http://www.lngerst.com/Library.html.

Share on Facebook

*Christian and Hebrew Scriptures say that loss and grief are universal human experiences and psychologists tell us that the process of mourning is often prolonged, painful, and emotionally complex.

Members of the clergy are often sought for counsel in situations associated with grief and loss. In a survey of over 1,200 American adults, 89 percent said that if they were facing their own death, they would find comfort in “believing in [the] loving presence of God or [a] Higher Power,” and 71 percent said they would be comforted by a visit from a clergyperson.

According to the National Funeral Directors Association, clergy officiate at approximately 1.5 million funeral or memorial services annually in the US. This means that every year clergy and other church leaders interact with millions of people who are grieving the loss of a close friend and/or family member.

Religious faith can help individuals cope with the death of a loved one. Several studies in diverse populations have shown a positive relationship between religious involvement and a successful response to the loss of a family member or close friend. Faith communities can offer both social support and a cognitive framework to address grief and loss.

A friend emailed me this song recently, its beautiful and powerful song about What Faith Can Do and I want to share it with you, regardless of your specific faith I hope the song gives you hope and inspires comfort;

CLICK LINK: That\’s What Faith Can Do

*portion of post by Andrew J. Weaver is a United Methodist minister and research psychologist living in New York City, USA. He has co-authored 14 books including Counseling Survivors of Traumatic Events (Abingdon, 2003) and Reflections on Grief and the Spiritual Journey (Abingdon, 2005).

Share on Facebook

She grieves in many of the same ways as I have as a widow. I grieved for a life I used to have and was forced to find a new normal, so does she.
A woman with breast cancer often wonders how she will handle dating, sex and her self esteem, again similar stages of grief that a widow faces.
Often a woman with cancer will have daily reminders after her treatment ends of her loss – her loss of hair and often her breasts, a widow has reminders of her loss seeing pictures of her partner on every shelf reminders of a life gone by.
Both cancer patients and those of us grieving loss are faced everyday with the fear of what the next day, week or month will bring during the grieving and healing process.

During this month of awareness I recognize that loss and that grief come  in many different forms and a thought I wanted to share with you.
Loss and grief surrounds us everyday, perhaps this awareness will make each of us more compassionate & hopeful with those who grieve loss in whatever form it takes.

I met a beautiful woman named Stephanie Sowder last week who has a line of butterfly jewelry to honor and support those whose lives are touched by cancer. The butterfly is a symbol of life. If interested you can check it out here: www.butterflyoflife.com

If you know a woman who is battling cancer and want to give her a meaningful gift of support, here are a few ideas; CLICK HERE

CLICK here for store link

Share on Facebook

It was a wonderful episode on how individual the grieving process is for everyone.  Many of the characters went through disbelief, denial, anger and even laughter.  I don’t think the episode ended in acceptance because that takes time and my hope is that the series writers will continue to shine a light on the grief journey the characters will continue to experience and how their lives will be changed.

As you and I well know, this journey takes time and the experience isn’t the same for any of us.  Our grief  is different depending on the relationship we shared with the person who passed as well as other factors.  I bring up this episode because I am thrilled that grief was talked about so openly, and I hope it will encourage both the mourners and the supports to speak openly about death and the grieving process rather than sweep it under a carpet as our society is so quick to do.

Unfortunately our society in general wants us to buck up and get over it!   Isn’t it ironic that we give 6 to 8 weeks paid family leave following the birth of a child but in the case of a close family members death,  our employers might give us a couple of days off for a funeral , and  family leave often  leaves grievers out in the cold to deal with their grief on their own time.

If any of you watched the episode, would love to read your coments on how they handled the topic of grief.

Share on Facebook

JoAnne, Linda, Pam

Last week my friend Pam was faced with the two year anniversary of her husband Denny’s death and she didn’t want to do it alone. She had asked our mutual friend Linda and myself to accompany her to light a candle at church in his memory and to share a meal with her which we did to celebrate Denny’s life.

I was proud of Pam for asking for what she needed, and that was the support of friends who understood her loss, which both Linda and I did after losing our significant others and to not be alone.
Often grief can be isolating and we feel like we have to cry and grieve alone. If you are reading this and grieving loss you will understand when I say that after a relatively short period of public mourning most people think you should have gotten over it and moved on and can’t imagine why you would be grieving two years later. Those of us on this journey through grief know this is not true. Grief takes time and grief takes work, grief can be a roller coaster of emotions and no one knows this journey until they reach it themselves.

“One of the most important factors in healing from loss is having the support of other people, sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone.”

Pam, Linda and I became friends as a result of our losses. We have been able to support one another because our losses were all years apart and our stages of grief have been different. We are able to share, support and provide strength and hope for the future.

If you are unable to find your own support group whether it be a professional grief group or group of family or friends, here are some links that may offer help;
Widow Match
Grief Share

Share on Facebook

Change is inevitable, just as death is an inevitable part of life, but as I rode on through the beautiful bike trails around my home I wondered how do we accept or embrace change when it isn’t a change we ever wanted and in some cases change we didn’t expect to happen?

Here are a few thoughts I came up with;

- we usually sit in fear of the unknown, which is when the change is unexpected or unwanted (surrender to the unknown, even if you have to force yourself)

- fear can paralyze us from moving (so do what you know how to do today and tomorrow the next step will be given)

- change is uncomfortable (so breathe your way through it, yes lots of deep breaths, be conscience of letting go of fear)

- Surrender to the fear, doubt and change ( out of surrender will come grace & a new you)

- Sometimes change just requires some faith in knowing everything will be alright (this doesn’t mean you forget,  faith just asks that we believe in something greater than ourselves and our fear)

“Life is change – Growth is optional – Choose Wisely.” – Karen Kaiser Clark

Share on Facebook

Just days before my fiftieth birthday last  April, my beloved dog Tanner became gravely ill. He was diagnosed with a rare, terminal condition and died in June.

My friend Suzy helped me bury Tanner in my backyard, right by some special lilies I’d planted in memory of my husband. Adam also had died of a rare illness, a relatively rare bone marrow cancer called Waldenstrom’s Macroglobulinemia, in May 2003.

In between losing Adam and Tanner, I lost my mother, as well, to complications from strokes she suffered at a family reunion on a beach in Maine in August 2005.

With three major deaths in five years, my grief has been profound. Sometimes it seems endless. And because these deaths occurred in such a relatively short stretch of time, just as the pain was beginning to soften from one loss, the next loved one died.

Yet for all the sorrow that has been telescoped into these last few years, I’ve come to appreciate the wisdom of giving grief its due.

Grieving takes time. Grieving takes energy. Grieving takes courage.

I have been amazed at grief’s power to affect every part of my being-physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

In early grief, an extreme fatigue wraps around me like a blanket I cannot throw off.  Some days, I crawl right back into bed after having just eaten breakfast.

Sleep doesn’t necessarily bring respite. The tears flow even then. And my loss seems even louder as evening comes and the quiet magnifies the emptiness.

The simplest chores take Herculean effort. The figures in my checkbook just won’t balance. Items I never misplace disappear into thin air. My words sputter and stop mid-sentence.

“Grief takes up a lot of space in my head,” I try to explain to friends.  It’s the only way to depict how my brain wrestles with a reality so devastating that it seems incomprehensible-that my loved one no longer breathes on this earth.

And my heart? Who knew it could break so many times and so sharply and into so many pieces? And that emotional pain creates a fatigue that surpasses my extreme physical exhaustion.

Contrary to popular myths, I don’t “get over” my grief in a week or two, after a month, or even following a year of first anniversaries.

But thanks to hospice bereavement groups, some wonderful books and friends who’ve walked through loss ahead of me, I’ve learned to live with grief as best as I can. I slog through it, in fits and starts, in bewilderment and clarity, in sorrow and in grace.

It is a much longer, harder process than popular modern culture would have us believe. It feels that as a society, we’ve lost touch with the wisdom and rituals and reality of death that our ancestors understood.

The difficult truth is that the healing comes through the grieving. The respite after the tears. My laughter is jumbled in with my sorrow. The same poignant memories that stab with heart-aching longing also hold the warm, soothing comfort that eventually flows.

Gradually, very gradually, over months and years, the gratitude for the life we shared takes up more space than the grief. It is hard work to heal. Personally, I don’t “get over” my loss. Why would I want to get over a love so sweet and maddening and dear?

I do, however, learn to live with the loss, to move forward in my life, in what friends call a “new normal.” And I’m let in on one of humankind’s deepest and, in this culture’s, often unspoken truths:  facing death changes life forever. How often we forget this reality. Yet how differently we might live, and treat others, when we remember.

Helene J. Powers, a freelance writer and educational consultant who lives in Florence, MA, contributes frequently to www.fiftyshift..com, where this essay first appeared.  She can be reached at hjpowers@verizon.net.

Share on Facebook

Well you might say, “I’m not a writer” – but I challenge you to just jot your thoughts in a journal or a spiral notebook or what ever works for you.    Writing is a process just as grief is a process and remember no one has to read your thoughts if you want to keep them private, but in the act of doing sometimes we learn alot about ourselves, how we view our life, our loves, our challenges and our future.

I write in my journal often, I don’t plan what to write, I simply write about my day before I go to bed.  I find that if I let the pen lead I tend to write from my heart and not my head.  When I’m thinking too hard about what to write it is more contrived then when I even write words that express the day.

I wrote many things just after my husband died, I wrote about the week he was in the hospital and after he died I wrote about being mad that he left me and how that made me feel.  I wrote about my struggles and pondered what I would do next. It made me slow down and sort through my mixed feelings.

If you read the August newsletter I sent out, I asked for writing submissions from anyone who wanted to share a story  relating to their grief process.  I challenge you to share because often times you can help someone else who might be experiencing what you are going through.

The story I choose for September will receive  an autographed copy of the book “The Shack” & as a bonus a writing journal.

Email your submission to:  joanne@heartachetohealing.com

Include (optional)  your name, small photo and email address if you want the readers to be able to contact you.  You can also say “Anonymous” and I will leave off your name.

Please include you mailing address with your submission. Send by August 31st if possible for consideration for September.

Share on Facebook