JoAnne & Suzann

This weekend I was invited to attend a retreat called “Sacred Journey – A Retreat for the Widowed” sponsored by The Grief Project and founder Suzann Eisenberg Murray.

The retreat began with grief counselors talking about grief as an experience of change and loss and how grief affects us spiritually mentally, physically emotionally and socially.   The attendees were encouraged to remember that death ends a life not a relationship!   We continue the relationship with those who have died by talking & praying to them, honoring their memory through new and old traditions, keeping photos in sight to remind us of our relationships.

They talked further about the idea that there is no going back to the person we were, rather we’re in between where we were and who we are going to be.  This applies to all loss, now just widowed people.

There was a session on Journaling  Your Way Through Grief.  Here we were encouraged to let go of our inner critic, connect with our creative side and simply write.  A simple tip to get connected with your inner self is to write down a question with your dominant hand and then write your answer in the non-dominant hand.  Generally then our answer will come from our intuition, that inner self that knows the all our answers.  Journaling through grief is a process and having trust that it will take you where you want to go in discovery and healing.

Indoor Labyrinth

We were introduced to Labyrinths, which are ancient patterns, thousands of years old and found all over the world. Labyrinth walking can provide a sense of calm that is conducive to meditation, self-exploration and prayer. For me walking the Labyrinth symbolized taking steps to move forward in my life.  For everyone else, their walking meant something equally as personal.

You can find Labyrinths all over the world,  check with your local church’s for more information or to learn more from our mentor Lisa Moriarty and Paths of Peace.

Grief retreats can offer the mourner a safe space to share their story, get support and find a place of hope among other who are on a similar journey.

I was humbled to be a companion to others on their grief journey, to witness their courage and strength in sharing their stories and the hope everyone shared when the weekend was over.  Yes, there was no going back, everyone was on a new path and through the tears, pain and heartbreak of loss it seemed just a little brighter when we left.

Retreat group

Remember you need other people to help you through your grief.  Grief retreats & other peer support groups are valuable despite the fact everyone grieves in different times and in different ways.  The support of others experiencing loss is powerful.  You are not alone.

Check out the resources page for a partial list of organizations that offer grief support.

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It got me thinking about how anyone grieving a death not only grieves because the person is gone but because our lives have changed in so many ways.  We used to have spouses, parents, sons or daughters that we counted on to perform a variety of roles in our life.  We grieve for what was and what the future might have been.

We need to adjust our sails so to speak and find new ways of dealing with day to day living. Following the death of my husband I learned to ask for help. Well, I didn’t do it right away, no I needed to act the part of a victim for a little while and do everything myself until one day I just couldn’t keep up with all the tasks of our business and home.

I spoke to the woman next to me in the car dealership again asking if she had help  or support from family or friends?  She said that she did when necessary and went on the explain that she just made up her mind to learn to do some things on her own.  She walked away with her head up and a smile on her face…and so did I knowing that I too had learned to handle some things on my own.

Need Resources? click our resource page, put a call out in your church, community or here online in our forum.

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**
- Accept the reality of the death
- Allow yourself to feel the pain & sorrow of the loss
- Allow yourself to openly remember & honor the person who died
- In time, develop a new identity
- Search for meaning in your life going forward
- Always let people in to help you during this time and always

with love, inspiration & hope

JoAnne Funch, Founder

P.S.  Do you need help? Need someone to walk you through the next steps in your grief journey?

I offer private consulting and small group workshops.  email me for details. joanne@heartachetohealing.com

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Healing does require support as you journey through the pain of your loss.  First, seek out those who you know will support, comfort and really be there for you.  Having those shoulders to cry on and the kindness of others to patiently listen will aid in your healing  journey.  Those who are genuinely caring and non-judgemental are best.   Sharing the pain doesn’t make it go away but the support of others makes the journey tolerable and knowing that life is worth living when others are there to strengthen and encourage us along.

Many people find comfort in their faith and talking with the pastor, minister or the like at their place of worship.

In most communities you will find support groups which are organized through church’s, hospitals, funeral homes, Hospice centers and even now through the Meet-Up organization (www.meet-up.com). I encourage anyone who is seeking more active listeners in a non-judgemental space who might not be receiving support through other means mentioned above to seek out a group in your area.

On-line grief support has grown dramatically in the past two years since I started this site.  There is a growing demand from people to connect on-line which is indicative of the explosion of social media.  Online grief support offers people immediate support from others who understand and are experiencing loss at the same time.  There is a quality of comfort in connecting with other who understand.  I will caution you however that at the same time you feel connected you can also feel isolated if you don’t seek comfort and support outside the online world.  Life is meant to be lived fully and that includes getting back involved in your business and social world prior to your loss.

Sometimes we tend to keep our grief to ourselves saying things like; “Everyone is sick of hearing about it” or “everyone has moved on except me” so in either case you may need a little help to get you transitioning onto your next step in life.  I started the Heartache To Healing 4 week classes just for those who need that extra guidance, you will also find local organizations in your town that may offer workshops in addition to the grief support group which can be very instrumental in giving you the help you need.

I also want to mention that chatting online in forums or blogs is not a substitute if you find your feelings so overwhelming that you’re afraid your life or someone you care about is in crisis. In this case PLEASE SEEK IMMEDIATE HELP.

Some signs of being in a crisis might include;

Thinking about or planning suicide, Not caring about yourself (eating, bathing or dressing), abusing drugs or    alcohol.

These are all signs that you need to seek help;

Contact 911, a local suicide hotline, local hospital or a professional therapist

Only you know what support feels best for you, the important thing to note is that you need not mourn your loss alone.

Remember, this online grief support site offers;

• 4-week grief guided classes – CLICK HERE for the details
• New chat forum – CLICK HERE for the details and to log-in
• Grief resources – CLICK HERE for the list

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Hi Jo Anne,

I have been reading some of the incredible stories that you have available on your website and have decided to share my own with you. It is my hope that you can use some, if not all, of the story to help convey my message not only to other men who have been down this tragic road, but to everyone who grieves the loss of a loved one.

For the past year, I have been involved with a grief support group and now, a year later, I am now ready to give back and offer my experience to those new people joining our support group and beginning their own journeys.

Part of the process in our support group is writing our own personal story to share with those coming into our group. These stories are read aloud (one each week) to the newcomers. This is my story, which I will be reading come next January when I begin my first term as a facilitator for the group. I thought I would share it with you and perhaps you can use all, or a part of it, to help others. Without babbling on any further (which I tend to do sometimes) here is my story:

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At times, adults have a tendency to talk at children while trying to dispense wisdom, concern, and love. The subject of death may be danced around, with euphemisms utilized and half-truths uttered. Of course, this is done with good intentions, for adults feel a need to protect innocent young ones.
You may want to consider the idea that children can be very powerful teachers to the adults who surround them. Accordingly, it may be better to step back and really listen to what they have to say.

Try not to tell a child how to feel – instead, you can ask him/her how he/she does feel. Each child is a unique individual with feelings of his or her own, and, consequently, each child will experience grief differently. For example, one child may constantly be in tears, and another may hide his/her tears and not want to talk about his/her loss. Letting a child know that there is no right or wrong way to feel allows him/her the freedom to grieve in his or her own personal fashion.

At a time when both parent and child are grief-stricken, it is very easy for communication to falter. Consequently, each may have a hard time really hearing what the other needs.

If a young child had enough wisdom to understand his/her actions/reactions to the loss of his/her parent and the words to express his/her emotions, the following might be communicated.

Dear Daddy/Mommy,

I had a special relationship with Daddy/Mommy, and I need to grieve for all the things I will miss doing with him/her. They are different than the things you will miss about him/her. Please don’t tell me how I should feel because it may not be right and then you will make me think I’m doing something wrong.

Please tell me the truth about what happened in terms that I can understand. If you tell me Daddy/Mommy went on a trip, then I will expect him/her to come home. I am more afraid of not knowing what really happened than to face sad and difficult truths.

Please allow me to attend my father’s/mother’s funeral. I might be scared and not understand everything, but I need to physically understand where he/she is going to be.

Please keep talking to me about life and death. Be patient when I ask many questions, even when they are the same ones over and over again. I am just trying to understand all these new concepts, and I need to hear the answers more than once. Try to explain it to me in different ways until I can grasp the idea. Pictures are helpful too.

Please explain to me that Daddy/Mommy didn’t die because I was a bad boy/girl and made him/her angry sometimes. Let me know that his/her death wasn’t a punishment for me. Tell me the real cause of the death, so I don’t have to feel guilty.

Be patient with me when I say, much too often, I have a stomachache or a headache. It is just that my heart hurts so much, it makes the rest of my body feel sick too. I am not faking to get out of going to school or having to do chores. I am using all my energy learning to adjust to a new life without a father/mother that sometimes my body becomes weak. I don’t want to feel this way, and I am trying very hard to be strong.

Please know that I am looking to you for guidance. I am going to follow your lead. If you pretend everything is fine, I will too. If you stay in bed all day because you can’t face the world, I will too. If you start acting wild by drinking and staying out late, I will too. If you become mean and mad at the world, I will too.

Please be a good role model. Show me the way to recovery through hard work, facing one’s fears and problems, and finding new ways to live, love and be happy. That is the greatest gift you can give me.

Keep in mind, each child will deal with his/her grief differently and on his/her own timetable. If everything is going smoothly for the moment, don’t look for hidden troubles. It may take some time for a child to process all the ramifications of the loss of a parent. Additionally, remember that a child must reprocess all this information at each new developmental stage of life. As desirable as it may sound, you can’t hurry up and get over grief. The journey to a healthy and successful new life is a long process, and the more triumphant the adult, the better the child will fare..

Ellen Gerst is the author of A Practical Guide to Widow/erhood. Born out of Ellen’s own experiences as a young widow, A Practical Guide provides suggestions to help a griever re-adjust each aspect of his/her life without his/her loved one. Ellen has also written two books for grieving children: Let’s Get A Grip on Grief (for ages 5-8) and Let’s Get A Grasp on Grief (for ages 9-12). For more information, go to http://www.lngerst.com/Library.html.

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She grieves in many of the same ways as I have as a widow. I grieved for a life I used to have and was forced to find a new normal, so does she.
A woman with breast cancer often wonders how she will handle dating, sex and her self esteem, again similar stages of grief that a widow faces.
Often a woman with cancer will have daily reminders after her treatment ends of her loss – her loss of hair and often her breasts, a widow has reminders of her loss seeing pictures of her partner on every shelf reminders of a life gone by.
Both cancer patients and those of us grieving loss are faced everyday with the fear of what the next day, week or month will bring during the grieving and healing process.

During this month of awareness I recognize that loss and that grief come  in many different forms and a thought I wanted to share with you.
Loss and grief surrounds us everyday, perhaps this awareness will make each of us more compassionate & hopeful with those who grieve loss in whatever form it takes.

I met a beautiful woman named Stephanie Sowder last week who has a line of butterfly jewelry to honor and support those whose lives are touched by cancer. The butterfly is a symbol of life. If interested you can check it out here: www.butterflyoflife.com

If you know a woman who is battling cancer and want to give her a meaningful gift of support, here are a few ideas; CLICK HERE

CLICK here for store link

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JoAnne, Linda, Pam

Last week my friend Pam was faced with the two year anniversary of her husband Denny’s death and she didn’t want to do it alone. She had asked our mutual friend Linda and myself to accompany her to light a candle at church in his memory and to share a meal with her which we did to celebrate Denny’s life.

I was proud of Pam for asking for what she needed, and that was the support of friends who understood her loss, which both Linda and I did after losing our significant others and to not be alone.
Often grief can be isolating and we feel like we have to cry and grieve alone. If you are reading this and grieving loss you will understand when I say that after a relatively short period of public mourning most people think you should have gotten over it and moved on and can’t imagine why you would be grieving two years later. Those of us on this journey through grief know this is not true. Grief takes time and grief takes work, grief can be a roller coaster of emotions and no one knows this journey until they reach it themselves.

“One of the most important factors in healing from loss is having the support of other people, sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone.”

Pam, Linda and I became friends as a result of our losses. We have been able to support one another because our losses were all years apart and our stages of grief have been different. We are able to share, support and provide strength and hope for the future.

If you are unable to find your own support group whether it be a professional grief group or group of family or friends, here are some links that may offer help;
Widow Match
Grief Share

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Just days before my fiftieth birthday last  April, my beloved dog Tanner became gravely ill. He was diagnosed with a rare, terminal condition and died in June.

My friend Suzy helped me bury Tanner in my backyard, right by some special lilies I’d planted in memory of my husband. Adam also had died of a rare illness, a relatively rare bone marrow cancer called Waldenstrom’s Macroglobulinemia, in May 2003.

In between losing Adam and Tanner, I lost my mother, as well, to complications from strokes she suffered at a family reunion on a beach in Maine in August 2005.

With three major deaths in five years, my grief has been profound. Sometimes it seems endless. And because these deaths occurred in such a relatively short stretch of time, just as the pain was beginning to soften from one loss, the next loved one died.

Yet for all the sorrow that has been telescoped into these last few years, I’ve come to appreciate the wisdom of giving grief its due.

Grieving takes time. Grieving takes energy. Grieving takes courage.

I have been amazed at grief’s power to affect every part of my being-physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

In early grief, an extreme fatigue wraps around me like a blanket I cannot throw off.  Some days, I crawl right back into bed after having just eaten breakfast.

Sleep doesn’t necessarily bring respite. The tears flow even then. And my loss seems even louder as evening comes and the quiet magnifies the emptiness.

The simplest chores take Herculean effort. The figures in my checkbook just won’t balance. Items I never misplace disappear into thin air. My words sputter and stop mid-sentence.

“Grief takes up a lot of space in my head,” I try to explain to friends.  It’s the only way to depict how my brain wrestles with a reality so devastating that it seems incomprehensible-that my loved one no longer breathes on this earth.

And my heart? Who knew it could break so many times and so sharply and into so many pieces? And that emotional pain creates a fatigue that surpasses my extreme physical exhaustion.

Contrary to popular myths, I don’t “get over” my grief in a week or two, after a month, or even following a year of first anniversaries.

But thanks to hospice bereavement groups, some wonderful books and friends who’ve walked through loss ahead of me, I’ve learned to live with grief as best as I can. I slog through it, in fits and starts, in bewilderment and clarity, in sorrow and in grace.

It is a much longer, harder process than popular modern culture would have us believe. It feels that as a society, we’ve lost touch with the wisdom and rituals and reality of death that our ancestors understood.

The difficult truth is that the healing comes through the grieving. The respite after the tears. My laughter is jumbled in with my sorrow. The same poignant memories that stab with heart-aching longing also hold the warm, soothing comfort that eventually flows.

Gradually, very gradually, over months and years, the gratitude for the life we shared takes up more space than the grief. It is hard work to heal. Personally, I don’t “get over” my loss. Why would I want to get over a love so sweet and maddening and dear?

I do, however, learn to live with the loss, to move forward in my life, in what friends call a “new normal.” And I’m let in on one of humankind’s deepest and, in this culture’s, often unspoken truths:  facing death changes life forever. How often we forget this reality. Yet how differently we might live, and treat others, when we remember.

Helene J. Powers, a freelance writer and educational consultant who lives in Florence, MA, contributes frequently to www.fiftyshift..com, where this essay first appeared.  She can be reached at hjpowers@verizon.net.

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The objective of the conference was to “celebrate how far we have come, to be inspired to truly live the life we have ahead of us, and to discover ways of honoring the past while rebuilding our future.” as described by Michele Neff Hernandez, Executive Director of Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation.

There were about 200 attendees from 28 states and 6 different countries all sharing this bond of widowhood. This is a bond, a group none of us ever wanted or imagined we would be apart of. This sentiment was expressed in the opening comments by Michele Neff Hernandez who said that this word unimaginable was what described her widowhood but as she took her journey through grief she knows it is not impossible. She went on to say “unimaginable and impossible are not the same thing and it doesn’t mean we can’t move forward…by moving forward we are honoring the person who has died, we have this choice each day…you are capable of being more than you think right now.”

Michele brought humor to her opening address by adding comments about widowhood most of us have also heard such as “You don’t look like a widow?” we all laughed at that one as she went onto say that’s because widows don’t have an identity in our culture, we don’t embrace widowhood. (we weren’t all wearing black and crying either).

Michele closed the opening remarks with “at the end of the day I’m whats left, and its up to me. I didn’t want to be strong, I had to be strong and its not impossible.”

Welcome Reception

Welcome Reception

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Saturday’s schedule was filled with a full day of educational break out sessions, some of those sessions were;

Widows and Money, by Dr. Kathleen Rehl

The presenter Dr. Rehl was herself widowed about 3 years ago so she spoke first hand about the challenges widows face with their financial choices.

Dr. Kathleen Rehl

kathleen@rehlmoney.com

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Widowed authors – panel discussion about their widowhood and subsequent books

Ann Marie Ginella – moderator and founder of   Widow Speak

Marian Fontana – A Widows Walk, Marian tells the story of losing her firefighter husband in the 9/11 tragedy

Carol Brody Fleet – Widow Wears Stilettos, Carol’s story of being a young widow

Gloria Lenhart – Planet Widow, Gloria’s story of losing her husband to a heart attack while out jogging

Amy Edelmen – Manless in Montclair, A story about how a happily married woman faces widowhood

Julie Mughal – Land Without Hats, Stories to widows from around the world facing challenges and adversity. Julie was widowed at the age of 31 and found purpose in seeking and sharing widows stories.

authors Panel

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Finding Your Purpose & Mission Again – presented by Miriam Neff

Miriam, a widow of three years talks of “Bob’s exit to heaven” and how she found purpose and meaning in a life without him.  She has a new book called “From One Widow To Another”

Finally I sat in on the Global Widowhood Panel Discussion – on the plight of widows in other countries

The key presenter was Dr. Raja Al-Khuzai, a doctor from Iraq who started an organization called the National Council for Women & Iraqi Widows Organization. She explained that the widows in Iraq want basically the same as widows everywhere and that is economic security fro herself and her children. She explained the many cultural differences and financial challenges. Dr. Al-Khuzai continues to work with the United National and the world bank to secure Mico financing for these widows.

Hilda Orimba Agola, Executive Chairperson of Widows and Orphans Welfare Society of Kenya

Hilda also explained that the widows in Kenya just want to share their experiences of widowhood and they want economic empowerment. She too works to gain micro financing programs for the widows.

Julie Mughal – from Save The Children joined this panel to talk about the widows she spoke with from around the world and highlighted the common link again was the economic support of their families.

International Panel

Hilda Orimba Agola

Julie Mughal

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Saturday evening Widows Bond Banquet

Saturday was packed with so many seminar sessions with topics for any age and stage in the grief journey. Everyone seemed to leave that afternoon filled with so much inspiration and hope.

The evening was filled with a beautiful banquet hosted again by the beautiful Michele Neff Hernandez.  Women came dressed up and with smiles on their faces.  There was much laughter and a buzz of hope filled the room.  As the faces of our loved ones flashed on the projection screen it was a symbol of honoring the love we shared, remembering the past and feeling the spirit and hopefulness for the future.

Michele Neff & myself

Tribute Tile Wall

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Attendees came with the common bond of widowhood and left with the bond of new found hope and friendship. I for one look forward to keeping in contact with the women I came to know and believe that many of us will collaborate to serve, strengthen and provide hope  not only to widows but to all grievers who feel they are alone in their journey of grief.

I believe this conference was and  is a step to publicly discussing death, bereavement, and grief in a manner that each attendee related to.  We asked each other questions like “what did you do with your wedding rings” to “did people ask you stupid questions like “are you over it?” or comments like “I’m sure you’ll find another husband” I wondered “Did you ever sleep with a piece of your husband’s clothes.”  or “How long did you keep his voice message in your sell phone?” So many of our seemingly quirky questions were discussed with those who understand. Yes, there is empowerment in a bond of widowhood.

I am grateful to have been apart of such a ground breaking conference and will post on this site information on the next event with the hopes that more will attend next year.  If you were not able to attend I encourage you to find a bond with another widow/widower.    You may contact Widows Bond for a match or contact me with your name, city, age, year your spouse died.    joanne@heartachetohealing.com

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