How One Mother Honored the Death of Her Son

By Madeline Sharples

 The day our son Paul died, the director of development at Crossroads School, where Paul and his brother Ben had attended high school, called. She was sympathetic, soothing, and selling as is the way with development directors for non-profits. I know. I used to be one. What she suggested was an endowment fund in his memory that would benefit the high school’s jazz music program. How smart she was. As a jazz pianist and composer Paul had greatly benefited from that program, so I was sold on giving back to it immediately. By the time of his funeral we had it set up.

In that first year we made several other donations.  The charity nearest and dearest to our hearts is the Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services. Besides money donations each year we walk in its suicide prevention run/walk and attend its Erasing the Stigma luncheon. I truly believe this stigma and shame kept Paul from seeking help and talking about his illness. The work Didi Hirsch does to erase that stigma and to prevent suicide would have been so useful to us while Paul was alive, if only we had known that a place like Didi Hirsch existed.

We donated a plaque in his memory at the Jazz Bakery to memorialize the last time Paul played piano in public. He played in the Crossroads School Jazz Ensemble reunion concert the December before he died. He only played one tune, and it was hard for him to even focus on that.

And we gave the Micronesian handicrafts we had collected while we lived in the South Pacific to the Pacific Asia Museum in Pasadena, California in Paul’s memory because the time we lived in the South Pacific – on Kwajalein in the Marshall Islands and visiting Ponape, Yap, Palau, and Guam – were some of his happiest times growing up.

On the first anniversary of Paul’s death we planted a tree on our property. It stands at the edge of our driveway like a welcoming sentry in the place where an old Monterey pine once grew and died. We knew we wanted a flowering and climbing tree. We had hoped that whether we’re still at this house or not, some little boy or girl would find joy in climbing that tree and sitting in the leaves as Paul did in the old pine as a boy.

Also on the first anniversary we had a ceremony to dedicate his gravestone. Officially this ceremony marks the end of the Jewish year of mourning. And even though I made much progress in that first year toward surviving his loss, official or not, I was not through mourning for Paul. I couldn’t stop thinking he shouldn’t be here, that he doesn’t belong here in a plot surrounded by old, old dead people, that he has too many things to do and places to go yet, and that he can’t do any of them because he is here.

Bob was at my side and held my hand during the dedication ceremony as we gathered in a circle on the grass next to Paul’s grave. The Rabbi spoke, said some prayers in both Hebrew and English, and recited a beautiful poem. Then we all recited the Lord’s Prayer and the Mourner’s Kaddish  – a prayer that affirms life rather than rants about death. The Rabbi then took off the red cloth that covered Paul’s black granite stone and the dedication was over. Just like that. One year of mourning officially over with the swift removal of a red cloth – like the curtain rising at the start of a play. Well, I wasn’t ready for the play to start. I had more mourning, grieving, wallowing to do. The first year was over. I had made a lot of progress in that first year, but I still had a long way to go.

Since Paul’s death it has been our tradition to visit this site on his birthday and death day every year. We don’t stay long. All I need is a few minutes to reconnect, to stop what I’m doing in my busy life to just be with Paul. But, really he is with me everywhere – all around our home, in my office, in the car, wherever we are when we travel, in my words, in my mind, in my heart. I don’t need to look for him in the cemetery. Being there affirms his death. The other places keep him alive for me.

During that first year, I made a memory list of things unique to Paul. At first it was in prose form and then I turned it into a poem that I like to post on my blog on his birthday. I also have it in my memoir Leaving the Hall Light On: A Mother’s Memoir of Living with Her Son’s Bipolar Disorder and Surviving His Suicide (Lucky Press LLC, May, 2011). I felt like I was racing with time because I didn’t want the passage of time to fade his memory from my mind. However, even though he died twelve years ago, I haven’t forgotten my memories of Paul. Here are a few items on the list.

• I’ll always remember he slept without closing his eyes all the way
• I’ll always remember he played the piano, legs crossed at the knees, leaning
• way down over the keyboard
• I won’t ever forget the feel of his cool pale skin the last night I saw him or the sound of his voice
• I’ll always remember he loved to fish

Madeline still honors her sons memory through suicide prevention work and donations to mental health and suicide prevention organizations, such as Didi Hirsch Mental Health Services, NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness, and the Facebook page Putting a Face On Suicide. She also continues to write to keep his memory alive and aid in her healing. Last December, Paul’s birthday month, she profiled a mental health or suicide prevention organization every day on her blog Choices. She also blogs for Red Room, PsychAlive, and Naturally Savvy, and she is currently working on a novel.

 IF YOU’VE EXPERIENCED SUICIDE IN YOUR FAMILY OR WOULD LIKE TO SHARE COMMENTS ON HOW YOU HONOR THE MEMORY OF A LOVED ONE, PLEASE SAHRE YOUR COMMENTS BELOW:

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How Can We Grieve & Be Grateful?

During your time of sorrow you may find it impossible to find anything to be grateful for.  But I assure you even during our darkest time there are things we can be grateful for.

I am going to suggest you remain open minded to gratitude, while you may be feeling sad and alone with your grief, there are other ways to look at this moment in time.

I have heard terrible stories of those who have lost their loved ones to tragic deaths and for those it is more difficult to find any gratitude. However…

 Gratitude can be a healer and a teacher.  Be open to gratitude and you will find comfort and peace.  Here are just a few examples of grateful thinking;

 

• Be grateful for the comfort & support you receive from others
• Find gratitude in the faces of children who see wonder and possibility in holiday traditions or whimsy
• Be grateful for your faith and the strength you gain for that faith
• Be grateful that you are able to write you thoughts in your journal everyday
• Find blessings in the kindness of strangers who have reached out
• Be thankful if you have a loving family
• Be grateful that you feel joy, peace and love during the holiday season despite your loss
• Be grateful for the tears, for they wash away the sadness of your loss and remind you that you are and have been loved
• Be grateful if you have a pet that offers you comfort in your time of grief

What do you find gratitude in?  Please share your comments below

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Lessons Learned About the Grieving Process

Lessons Learned About the Grieving Process- By Sandy Gambone

1.  Be compassionate with yourself.

All feelings are OK and valid. You feel what you feel. You may feel anger, guilt, regret and many others, even relief about something. It’s all OK. It does not mean you did not love them, it means you are human.

 

2.  Feel what you feel.

I don’t always do this, but the times that I have, I’ve realized the truth in the advice of really feeling your feelings. This helps them to move (feelings are energy) and it helps you realize that you are not your feelings.

One night I was in a place of deep despair over Ken’s death – I actually felt physical pain in my heart – and I sat and felt the pain. I did not judge it or try to describe it or explain it to myself, just felt it inside my body, and after not too long it dissipated. I felt lighter and freer. Sometimes I think we are afraid to feel the grief, or fear or anger or whatever. But if we do sit with it and truly feel it, then it can be released.

 

3.  You will have ups and downs.

I was feeling better, and then the 6-month anniversary was approaching. I had what is called anticipatory grief. I dreaded that upcoming day and felt very sad. Yet when the day arrived, it wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. I actually felt some peace and calm.

As of this writing, I am at the 7-month  anniversary of Ken’s death and have felt sad and not so sad and OK. back and forth, as the day goes on.

There are many triggers for sadness. I passed a man in a car who looked like Ken and tears came to my eyes, even though I’d felt fine for days. I don’t listen to love songs, as they make me sad. I went to a wedding this past weekend, and thought about the ‘what might have been’ during the ceremony.

4.  Realize that others may not understand how you feel and may not understand why you are not ‘over it yet.

Grief takes time. There is no timetable. Everyone goes at their own pace. Give yourself the time that you need. Spend time alone when you need to. It’s OK to decline invitations you may have otherwise accepted. It’s OK not to feel up to driving somewhere (I’ve run into this a few times).

 

One of the women in my support group has a friend who is a widow who told her that unless someone has been through it, they cannot understand. I have found that of my friends, a woman who has been a widow for 20 years is the one I feel most at ease talking to. Another friend told me that she does not know what I am going through and is not sure how to best support me. I found that honesty so refreshing and I love her dearly for saying it.

 

A couple of people have commented on my ‘coming out of it’ or ‘How is your grieving process going?’ I mostly let the comments slide off of me and don’t say much to them. I know it will ebb and flow and there is no ‘getting over it’. It will always be with me, become a part of who I am. I am surviving and in some ways thriving. In other parts of my life, not so much yet. I do not judge myself, I will get there.

5.  Talking with others who do understand and writing about it helps.

I attend a support group for those who have lost a loved one to suicide held by the suicide prevention organization Samaritans. It is called Safe Place. And it is. It is comforting to be with those that have been through the same thing, who understand the extra layer that suicide adds to a death. There are women who have lost husbands of 40 years, parents who have lost only sons, those who have lost siblings, a man who lost his mother, and those like me, who lost a boyfriend.

It is not therapy, exactly, but it is being with others who are going through the ‘If only’, the ‘what if’, the regrets that this kind of death brings up so strongly. And I find that helps me immensely. It doesn’t matter how long it has been since the death, it is a group that you can discuss the issues with, people with whom you don’t feel like you have to act fine around because you wonder if they are tiring of hearing about it.

Writing has helped me, also, as I don’t have a lot of people I am close to that I feel I can talk about my grieving process. I found writing in my journal helped me to sort through my feelings and to get them out.

6.  Honoring their memory

I need to talk to Ken and have his picture around where I can see him often. Most of the people in my support group said they could not bear to have pictures around, or had them in only one room that they didn’t go in all the time. I even have a picture of Ken and I as my computer wallpaper and I say Hi to him every time my computer boots up. A couple of those in my support group had a voicemail that they liked to listen to and keep saving it so it won’t get deleted. This is all a personal thing and there is no right or wrong choice. Do what feels right in your heart for you. I have some recordings from when Ken had his own radio talk show and I have listened to a few of those and I enjoy hearing his voice. One from several years ago mentioned a former girlfriend, so I won’t be listening to that one again.

I am doing a 5K walk put on by the suicide prevention organization, the Samaritans, in a couple of weeks. I feel that Ken would be proud to have some of us walking in his name for a great cause, even if he never and never would have contacted them for help.

I had a reading with a medium and was told that Ken wanted me to remember him how he is now more than how he was. Now he is radiating light like a sun. So I looked for and bought a necklace of a sun, with the center a dome of amber, and I bought a wind chime with a sun on the top. I wear the necklace often and tell some people what it represents to me.

As I said, I talk to Ken often. Sometimes I sense he answers me, mostly I just want to say Hi and to tell him I love him and to send him love. During the reading with the medium Ken talked about him not seeing his own light when he was alive, but that I did. He wanted me to share that when people die from suicide their loved ones often focus on the pain their loved one must have felt in order to take their own life. He said this doesn’t help their soul and that we need to send them love. I had been doing that since he died (I had read years ago something about it) and he said it really helped him. So, I want to let others know that no matter how your loved one died, send them love, as it helps their soul on the other side.

**Thanks  Sandy  for submitting such helpful tips. Please share your comments about these tips  in the box below.

Would you give the same tips as Sandy or can you share your experience in the comments section below.

If you want to submit a story for the Heartache To Healing site, you can learn more by clicking here.

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Grief & Loss – Life Changing, Growth Optional

One of my favorite quotes before I was widowed and remains today is “Life is change, Growth is optional. Choose wisely.” This quote is framed on the wall above my desk.  Continue reading “Grief & Loss – Life Changing, Growth Optional” »

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Commemorate and Remember

This Memorial Day in the U.S. — like every Memorial Day — we commemorate and remember those who’ve given their lives for our freedoms and our nation.  For every veteran and every active duty soldier and individual in military uniform — thank you. Thank you for the sacrifice you continue to make every day on our behalf. And for every family who’s lost a soldier due to service to their country — thank you.

Visiting a cemetery is really an important mourning ritual.  It can help us to embrace our loss and remember the person who died.

This memorial weekend I honored the memory of many of my family members with a visit to the cemetery.  As my Dad and I laid new flowers on my mother’s grave, I said abit of a prayer and told Mom how much we missed her.

My Dad buried buried two of their dogs next to my Mom, said they were part of the family and should be honored and remembered. If you are a pet owner, you will understand the love and devotion one has to a pet. 

 

We reminisced about each of our family members as we walked along this beautiful cemetery and spoke about the vast number of American flags that adorned the graves of those who served our great nation.

Did you visit a cemetery over the weekend?  What are your rituals for honoring and remembering your loved ones who have passed?

 

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Grief & Loss – Finding the Road

By Nicolle Cantiero

I’ll never forget feeling like my life was over; I had no foundation and nothing to look forward to.  Everything seemed to be falling apart.  My health, my marriage, my family, and my job all seemed to be deteriorating. Continue reading “Grief & Loss – Finding the Road” »

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Resilience

Today Elizabeth Edwards died after her long battle with cancer.  I so admired this woman who taught us much about resilience and facing life’s adversities.  She shared publicly her private moments of joy and sorrow all while holding her head high and using each step of her life as a teaching opportunity for her children.

Elizabeth Edwards seemed to face life with grace and dignity up to the end and on her own terms.  She was determined to spend her remaining days living,  according to the reports.   She had said that she had to reconcile with God , no longer as an intervening God because she new that was past but with a God where she seeks salvation and enlightenment. “It’s the God I have now” she said.

I have thought often about resilience myself, I believe I have found it for myself, but have YOU?  Do you believe you have or can be resilient?

Is resilience a learned skill?  Or are we born with a gene that makes us more resilient than someone else?  Is our resilience predictable?  How do we measure resilience?  I hadn’t thought much about this until 2005 when I experienced the most devastating year of my life and my own resilience was tested following the deaths of my mother, husband and uncle.  I know that first couple of years I wondered how I would survive let alone how would I thrive and feel joy again, but I did.  I am resilient and I am living life with joy, on my own terms.

My Dad taught me a great lesson while following my mom’s death and while he was with me helping me following my husbands death, he said “JoAnne, we just play the cards we’re dealt, we might not like it but we just do what we need to do.” I have encountered a number of adversities in my life and yet here I am, I keep pulling myself up by my boot straps, wipe away my tears, yell out in frustration occasionally and keep living.

Elizabeth Edwards said in her book Resilience, “I have said before that I do not know what the most important lesson is that I will ever teach my children, Cate and Emma Claire and Jack. I do know that when they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not go her way — and surely it has not — she adjusted her sails.”

Rest in peace dearest Elizabeth, thank you for sharing apart of your life with us…

Are you resilient?  How have you lived life since your loss?  Please, share your comments below;

You can get Elizabeth Edwards book “Resilience” though Amazon, click the link below;

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Grief arising from sudden and traumatic loss

by Good Grief

Although any bereavement is difficult to accept and process, it is well known that bereavement through sudden, accidental or traumatic can be a special case. This post aims to communicate a better understanding of how and why this type of loss can be particularly traumatic.

It is the sudden nature of these events that poses the problem. Examples of this type of loss include heart attacks, strokes, accidents, post-operative complications, allergic reactions and natural disasters. These events suddenly change our world leaving us shaken, unsure and vulnerable and with a sense that there is no order in the world.

For those left behind there may be special problems not associated with other types of loss. Specific issues may complicate and compound the level of grief and make the grieving process more intense. For example there may be unfinished business in that there was, most likely, no opportunity to say goodbye or to apologize for wrongdoing or arguments.

Sudden tragic events also tend to increase the vulnerability of those left behind. Fears of a repeat of the event that caused the loss or a general anxiety about unfamiliar situations may be present. A general pessimism about the future may also be experienced. Along with this may come losses of income or status which adds to the burden of the bereaved. In some cases the survivor may have experienced the traumatic event and may themselves be injured. This adds to the stress of the situation and may be accompanied by survivor’s guilt.

The article describes how grievers might react to various causes of death. This is useful in understanding our own feelings and in helping those we are close to deal with their loss.
Natural losses are illnesses and natural disasters—heart attack, stroke, earthquake or hurricane. With natural losses the resulting anger is directed towards the deceased or God. Human-caused losses include homicide, bombings, or acts of war and may be due to individual hostile actions. In human-caused disasters the survivor’s anger can be focused on the responsible person(s).

In accidental deaths there is no clear focus of intentionality. There is a high degree of intentionality with deaths such as homicide. Anger and blame for the death can be directed at a responsible person.
Illnesses like a sudden heart attack or ruptured aneurysm and natural disasters earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes may not be perceived as being preventable. Others such as homicide may be highly preventable. When deaths are perceived as preventable, there may be a strong sense of the “What if’s.”     Preventable deaths are likely to increase a sense of guilt, especially if one feels responsible or a sense of anger or if one holds others at fault.
With some losses, the death is instantaneous. Immediate death may leave feelings that the person who died had no time to prepare for the death. Many survivors find the knowledge of an instantaneous death to be comforting. In others situations, there is a question whether the deceased suffered pain or anxiety prior to dying. These memories, particularly if the person’s relative died in extremely distressing circumstances may dominate the person’s thoughts, rather than the memories of the person themselves. This can become a diversion from grieving for the deceased person disrupting the grieving process. Imaginings or memories of the traumatic death may cause so much distress, that remembering the person who died may be actively avoided.
The number of people affected by the loss can affect the intensity of grief. When large numbers of people are involved as with a devastating hurricane, the ability of others to offer support maybe limited, because of the extent of those involved. Conversely, highly public losses such as the September 11th tragedy, Littleton Shootings or losses due to war can result in a greater community response and demonstration of support, allowing survivors to bond and grieve together.
Some sudden losses are still somewhat expected, even if just retrospectively. The heart attack of someone at risk or the sudden loss of someone struggling with a life-threatening illness, frequently do not come as a total surprise. Other losses, such as accidents or random acts of violence, offer little to no forewarning and are a shock to the survivor.

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Finding a New Normal

Contributed by Jan LaPitz

At various stages in our lives, for a variety of reasons, our lives take a huge shift, and we must find a new normal.  Whether it be due to empty nesting, divorce, death of a spouse, loss of a job/career change, family issues, illness, etc. The list is almost endless.  We plan for our futures in many ways.   However, are we ever really prepared to adjust to a life changing event, sometimes, a series of events? Some of us are more skilled than others, but essentially no one is totally prepared for what’s around the “disaster corner”, or our perceived life path “detours”…

For over 20 years, a friend and her husband owned and operated an upscale lodge. After experiencing a wonderful successful life, they decided to sell, found a comfortable home close to family, and prepared to enjoy new life style. He suffered a fatal heart attack the day after closing on their new home. Her path with him ended that day. She never lived in the new house and  her struggle to recover from her loss was a steep daily climb out.

However, after three years on her emotional roller coaster she is now preparing for a fresh adventure with a new love. Who knows for how long they’ll share paths, or where their relationship will lead. However, with the aid of various substances and counseling she continues to moved forward, regaining her courage, setting aside her fears, and choosing to open her heart again. She is finding, for however long – no one knows, a new normal.

I believe there are two subjects to explore here. One is the “path” theory. Understanding that we each have our own path, our own walk, our own journey on this earth is, to me, key to a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life.

For those with children in their lives, we raise our children to the best of our abilities. Regardless of the values we instill, and the directions we point them in, they each have their own path, their own purpose, their own destiny, and they will make their own choices.

The other subject is the choice theory – we make choices. Each choice takes us on an adventure of lessons, experiences, and consequences. We make choices. Those choices are not necessarily good or bad, but yes, there are always consequences to our actions. We make choices based on a variety of circumstances, education levels, and the influence of others, but they are choices not mistakes. And, we are given the opportunity to learn from each choice we make.

Understanding and acceptance of this must come from a much higher level of intellect than most of us take time to ponder on a day to day basis. Often times until we’re faced with a catastrophic event we’ve been so very busy “doing life” that we haven’t had time to ask and answer the bigger, harder questions.   At that point it is almost too late – the world doesn’t stop spinning for us to regroup, rest, take an emotional and intellectual deep breath, and get through our grieving process. The fact that our society, in general, doesn’t recognize or associate grief with losses other than the physical loss of a loved one often times creates a huge barrier to regaining a healthy self.

Women are skilled damage control artists. We’re actually wired/programmed to fix all the problems in our individual day to day worlds. However, we’re not necessarily capable of fixing ourselves. Nor, and almost more importantly, are we geared to believe we’re “breakable”. We won’t break, we can’t break – too many others depend upon us to hold their world together. In fact, we have chosen, often time for very valid reasons, to allow them to be dependent upon us. We have made that choice, because of the path we’ve chosen to walk today. Think about how those choices may put you into a position of needing to find a future new normal.

Be mindful of the fact that you may actually want to find a new normal.  There are the healthy decisions of continuing your education after the kids have moved out; or starting a new business because you now have “me” time – want to devote volunteer hours to your community? Don’t forget to also plan the weekend spa trips with your gal pals.  Now could truly be the time in your life to have the well rounded life you’ve so desired and deserve. Yes, you are worthy of happiness, fun, love, and adventure – “new normals”.

No one can determine what the path of another is, or should be. We can offer a supportive ear, a hug, and endearing, loving words of encouragement to each other. Bolstering each others’ confidence, sense of self worth, beauty, wisdom, and courage to take “risks”, make bold choices, and move forward are essential components of nurturing friendships as we each find our “new normals”.

Finding a new normal seems to have been the norm for me and my friends during various stages of our lives. Some people believe we out grow friendships; we go our separate ways, lose touch; paths differing so much we’re left nothing in common. I believe, to the contrary, friendships cultivated decades ago are more important than ever to ourselves and each other.

Everyone has something to bring to the table of life – sharing our gifts of self with each other, at times, can be everything.

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It’s Your Life, Follow Your Dreams

By Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP

Author of When Every Day Matters (Simple Abundance Press)

It was 1992.  Four years had lapsed since my daughter Katie’s diagnosis of a brain tumor.  She was now healthy and back working in New York City.  Because my maternal stress levels were greatly relaxed, my professional dreams began to reemerge. It was time to think about making them come true.

Both my dreams and my interests had become undeniably centered on the concepts developed by psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung because I realized, in hindsight, I had been living an archetypal experience during the trauma of Katie’s illness.  I realized also that while I was not the first mother to have been frightened by her child’s cancer, I needed to discover some meaning in it all and quench my thirst for understanding my time of monumental stress.  I also had a burning desire to explore Jung’s concepts of archetypes, dreams, the anima, the animus, the collective unconscious, synchronicity, the shadow, complex theory and other topics he developed.  And, I wanted to study where Dr. Jung developed his theories.  Yes, my psychic pathways for studious wanderlust beckoned.  I had no doubt that I needed to honor this dream.

Down the stairs I came that night of awakening, eager to share this new revelation with my husband, St. Richard. ”I’ve been called to Switzerland,” I announced with an ecstasy of St. Teresa of Avila swooning with awareness.  Responding with his normal sincerity and humor that I often write about, he said, “Tonight?”

Three days later I registered for my program of study dealing with the symbolic world and depth psychology. Ninety-one people from the world over would become my classmates at The Jung Institute.  The program I signed up for would be held in Kusnacht, Switzerland, right on Lake Zurich, Jung’s hometown for many years.

Several months later, as a parent would attach little mittens, my husband handed me my passport and boarding pass, kissed me goodbye and said, “You’ll be all right.”  I would I thought? I didn’t speak German, I’d never been away more than two days without him – never mind to Europe by myself – and what in God’s holy name was I doing?  When the plane soared into the night sky I quietly wiped away a few nervous tears.

Hours later, looking out the window on the chain of Swiss Alps snaking across the earth below, I gasped at their beauty and magnificence.  Here in Switzerland I would begin a pilgrimage.  Here in Switzerland I would feed my spirit and share experiences with others who would teach me and whom I would teach.  Here in Switzerland I would learn first-hand the nature and importance of one of Jung’s most profound concepts: individuation which is to understand the psychological process that makes a person an individual.

On the last day of the program I rode the train with a small group of seven newly formed friends to see Jung’s summer cottage. There at Bollingen we held one another’s hands and sang “Amazing Grace” because each of us had come to Switzerland to find something extraordinary and each of us did: we found the miracle in the mystery.  We found the joy in personal pursuit.  We found the guaranteed blessing that is the ultimate reward whenever we take the time to follow our dream and Make Every Day Matter.

www.WhenEveryDayMatters.com

www.MJHB.net

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