Stages of Grief and Loss Change Over Time
August 10, 2010 by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
By Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP , Author of When Every Day Matters (Simple Abundance Press)
How we feel about a person’s death changes over time. I think it has everything to do with our relationship to that person and maybe even the age we are when we experience permanent loss. I also think it has to do with accepting the mystery of death. Sometimes the death of someone is so shattering in the beginning that we barely function. Then, as time moves ahead, little-by-little, we begin to heal a little at a time depending on the intensity of the love we felt for the deceased.
Sometimes, however, our grief experience is in reverse and delayed as mine was in the case of my father who passed away I was thirteen years old. Rarely talking about him it appeared on the outside that I was coping fine. It wasn’t until my early 30’s in graduate school – while attending workshops to deal with unconscious elements – my long ago grief for my father was uncovered. I discovered then how much pain and sorrow had been buried when he was layed to rest. I learned then that just because my father was at peace didn’t mean I necessarily was. I addressed then, consciously and seriously, my deep sadness and loss of him. And, while a delayed grief process, the-better-late-than-never paradigm was applicable.
Life After Loss
May 18, 2010 by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
We all lose loved ones. Some are gone before we really get to know them. Others are taken just on the brink of seeing how much the world really has to offer them. So very many are lost in the prime of their life. Others must wait what seems to be an eternity and we wonder what holds them here after living a full life.
Regardless of how we lose them the pain and grief some days seems endless and unbearable due to loves and bonds so strong they extend beyond mortal comprehension. There is life after loss.
We know we’ll never forget them but we want the rest of the world to know and remember them with us. We look for opportunities to talk about them and ways to memorialize them.
We erect shrines in their memory in the form of benches and gardens. We plant trees knowing at least they will out live us to somehow carry on the memory of our loved one. We donate our time in their honor. We place objects that remind us of them strategically throughout our day to day lives. We contribute to charities in their names. In essence we look for every way possible to immortalize our loved ones because we will always hold them close to our hearts.
Memorials For Loved Ones
May 12, 2010 by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
I often get asked how to honor the memory of their deceased loved one especially on the anniversary of a death. With permission I want to share a story from Heartache To Healing subscriber Mary A. Phillips because not only did I find it a touching memorial to her beloved husband’s memory but a unique way in which she chose to honor his birthday with an event of meaning and purpose.
“Yesterday I had a Pooh de Mayo charity event to celebrate with my husband’s friends. His birthday was May 5th Cinco de Mayo and his nickname was Pooh hence the name of the event. I had everyone bring a Pooh Bear or other bear to get in. Then we had a BBQ dinner for all. Collected 150 bears and had a good day. It had been 9 months since my husband’s death. Beautiful day and a good healing knowing that this is going to a local charity that grants wishes for children in Texas with life threatening diseases. It is like Make a Wish but a local one.
Just thought I would share this since I found it surprisingly a good day.” ~ Mary A. Phillips
150 Bears collected for charity
Thank You Mary for sharing!
How has a death put your life in perspective?
March 18, 2010 by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
Doris Good After losing 2 brothers and both parents in 7 years, their deaths taught me the preciousness of remembering. I have no one to call and say “remember when” with. I realize that I have to reinvent myself because I no longer live the rolls of Bill and Terry’s Sister or Bill and Doris Jean’s daughter. I didn’t know how much of me was a part of those relationships. Now I have rememberances, rituals to satisfy the need to say “remember when we….”. It taught me that the silence of sending balloons to my departed and visualizing them taking the balloons up to the heavens can be a very soothing and satisfying moment of peace and rememberance.
“Death puts life in perspective” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
The Other Day In Home Depot
March 6, 2010 by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
Just the other day I had to run into Home Depot searching for something for my house and as I wandered the aisles this great wave of anxiety and some sadness hit me like a pile of bricks…I remembered all the trips I made to Home Depot while my late husband was remodeling our house and he would send me out to pick something up and inevitably I would call him from the store because I couldn’t quite figure out what he wanted.
So as I wandered the aisles that day I thought, I have no one to call and ask if I was getting the right part? It’s funny how these emotions hit you in the most unexpected times and places.
As I was driving home the pictures that reminded me of times gone by kept flashing in front of me like an old movie and I took some deep breathes and just went with it, let the feelings flow and the memories stay alive within me just one more time.
As the years go by there still are times when something sets me back in time to remember the life I once had, it’s usually the little things that set my heart beating a little faster and the tears well up in my eyes, I’ve just learned that one one thing ends, something else begins and I am want to be open for whatever that is.
Grief Rituals, Creating Them Will Help You Heal
January 26, 2010 by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
For all of you who listened to my teleseminar last week, you know we discussed rituals and why they are important in the healing process. As a follow-up to that, I want to share the article below which gives some great examples of rituals and how they might apply to you.
Each society has its own rituals. These rituals connect us with support groups. Personal rituals also help you to heal. In fact, they may be more meaningful because you created them. What is a ritual? The dictionary defines it as “an established or prescribed procedure for a religious or other rite.” Another definition is “any practice or pattern of behavior repeated in a prescribed manner reminiscent of ritual.”
I am not a ritual kind of person. After four loved ones died in 2007, however, I created a few simple rituals to honor them. Each morning, when I awaken, I make a pledge to my daughter. This pledge, “I will not fail you Helen,” is for her children — the grandchildren I am raising. When I say the pledge tears come to my eyes.
We need rituals in order to heal. Rev. William Purdy, DD, Vice President or Provider Relations Continuum Hospice Care in New York City, makes this point in his article, “Giving Grief Ritual.” Despite the tragedy of September 11th, “for a significant number of people whose loved ones died unexpected deaths, ritual grieving remains unexplored,” he writes.
2010 Handbook of Life’s Best Reminders for Living
January 1, 2010 by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
A friend emailed this to me and I thought it was worth sharing the ideas in the 2010 HANDBOOK
Sometimes we need to be reminded about simple and inspiring ways to live a more meaningful life, that what the following ideas do for me.
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E’s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours..
10. Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Explore Simple Questions for the New Year
December 30, 2009 by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
I wish you hope
This week, we welcome a New Year into our lives. This is a good time for us to see what is to be released, what is to be kept and improved, and what is to be brought in. How can we heal our grief? Take time to ask and explore these simple questions:
How did you cope the first year of grief?
December 16, 2009 by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
I recently sent out an email letting you know that you can help others who will be grieving a loss of their loved one by sharing your tips for surviving the first year of grief in a new book called “Grief’s First Year.”
The first year of grief seems to be the toughest to get through according to all of you who I hear from on the Heartache To Healing site. We can help those new to grief by sharing what we learned to survive the first year.
Submit your short story of tips that you think will benefit someone else who might experience a similar loss to yours.
When you submit your story, include your name, name of the deceased you might be referring to in your story and your relationship to that person. Be sure to include your contact information so I can get in touch with you. Please send your tips to me by January 30th.
EMAIL ME: joanne@heartachetohealing.com
If you are unsure of what to write, let me share a recent submission;
My name is Anne, and my husband, JB, died suddenly of a stroke at the age of 43 in August 2003. We have 4 children, who at the time, ranged in age from 3 to 10. I had always thought that if something ever happened to JB, I too, would die. But somehow, every morning I woke up and found myself still breathing. And with 4 kids who really needed me I was able to get up, make their breakfast, and get them off to school. I was going through the motions, but that’s o.k. That’s how it starts.
It definitely wasn’t easy. But I discovered a lot of things. One, let people help you – now’s not the time to do it all yourself or be too prideful to accept help. Friends and family can’t bring your loved one back, but they can make your life a little easier. LET THEM! It helps them as much as it helps you. Even if it’s something you can do yourself, accept their offer graciously. I had meals brought to me every day for 3 months. Could I have done it on my own? Yes. Did it help knowing I didn’t have to figure out dinner every day? You bet.
Keep your life as routine as you possibly can. I was lucky enough to have some life insurance, so we were able to keep the house and I was able to continue staying home with the kids. They only missed a couple of days of school, and then they started back in their routine. It wasn’t long before we were signing up for sports and other activities. It helped all of us to get back to our life.
Get some counseling for you and the children. Our city has a wonderful (and free) grief support group geared toward the children. It helped them see they weren’t alone, and to begin expressing their feelings about their loss. It was also incredibly helpful for me to have time with others who were going through the same thing as me.
Establish traditions to remember your loved one. On JB’s birthday, the kids and I write a message to him on balloons and them release them to heaven. We go to his favorite restaurant on the anniversary of his death and raise a toast to his life. It seems to help all of us on these otherwise tough days.
Do what you can to take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest, go for a walk, take up your friend’s offer to go out to lunch, get your hair done. For me, this was never the life I had imagined for myself or my kids, but I’ve tried to make our lives as normal as possible. Eventually, you’ll establish a new “normal”. It’s not the same, but it’s good.
Always with love, inspiration & hope
JoAnne Funch
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Let’s Hang To What We’ve Got
December 9, 2009 by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
Today I heard this old song on the radio by Frankie Valli -”Let’s Hang On”
Let’s hang on to what we’ve got
Don’t let go girl we’ve got a lot
Got a lot of love between us
Hang on hang on hang on
To what we’ve got
and the song reminded me that despite our losses and grief, we need to remember to hold on to the love and people we do have in our lives. It’s easy to fall into the self-pity trap, I know this trap very well, been there a few times!
During the holiday season and other dates of significance we tend to fall into that trap and I’m just suggesting you too remember to hold on to what you’ve got – children, a loving spouse, parents and loyal friendships. These are the people who continue to sustain us through life’s difficult times and are there to celebrate life’s joyous times.
So…Let’s Hang On To What We Got
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