Everyone experiences loss of those they love, but the intensity of your grief can be doubled by your relationship to the person who died such as a parent, spouse or child and this is the first holiday without that person who was so important in your life.

Like me and most other people who face this holiday season with a huge void, a hole in our hearts we have many questions and thoughts that are conjured up in your mind like, How can I survive this?, I want to hide until the holiday season is over, I don’t feel like celebrating, I can’t act normal because my life isn’t normal, I can’t face happy people, No one understands the grief I am going through and how will our holiday traditions now be different?

You should know that there really are no right or wrong answers to all the questions and all the questions you ponder may not have answers, maybe not now anyway.

Before you are totally overcome with anxiety, overwhelm and sadness there are things you can do to ease your pain and sorrow.

Here are just a few ideas that will help you cope immediately this year. You will feel so much better honoring yourself and the memories of your loved one. You will also release expectations and surprises you don’t want to face.

Lower Your Expectations

Don’t feel obligated to send the holidays cards and bake all the cookies like you used to.

Honor What You Feel

These are your feelings and whatever you do this holiday, claim those feelings.

Planning Ahead

You now realize that this year’s holidays and perhaps holidays yet to come will not be the same or unfold how you’d wish. It is best to plan your days ahead as this will help you cope.

Empower yourself where you can

Obviously there are many changes you can’t escape from and you may feel your power has been taken away. Perhaps this is a good time to evaluate your holiday traditions, which ones hold meaning and which ones you want to keep.

Major changes

For the first year or two without your loved one, it usually isn’t a good idea to make any major changes to your traditions like leaving town only to escape or ignoring all sense of traditions you used to share.

Get and maintain a support system

The holiday season is a time when emotions naturally are running high

as are the memories making this a difficult time to be alone. I encourage you to find support of family and friends who can pitch in and offer help.

Remembering

If your loss was recent you will want everyone to remember your loved one, I know I did. You may choose to plan a ceremony or special tribute to honor your loved one, or a casual round the table recalling stories kind of sharing.

Gratitude

During your time of sorrow you may find it impossible to find anything to be grateful for. But I assure you even during our darkest time there are things we can be grateful for.

You too can cope with grief during the holidays if you are gentle with yourself and try some of these ideas and more than anything, finding some joy during this festive time of year is also a wonderful way of honoring the memories of those who have brought us so much joy and those still with us.

I was  interviewed on by Mary T Okeefe, founder of Well Within on her radio program.  Here is a link to that short interview.  CLICK this link to listen: 

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The journey through grief, for me, began long before my mother died. Choosing to be a caregiver meant that life as I knew it would be completely changed. I stepped full-time into my Care Bear role at age 59 when my mother’s dementia took a stronger hold on her brain, causing her to mix up her meds. Making the choice to leave a full-time job as group counselor at an alternative school for expelled high school students was not an easy choice for me to make, especially for financial and health benefit reasons. I enjoyed my work. Yet, it seems as if there had always been invisible threads of connection between my mother and me, beyond our roles as mother and daughter. My heart especially yet, also, the inability for her to afford nursing home care made the decision for me. During the first year of mother-sitting, I came to visualize us as having always been joined by one of those leash-like contraptions that some mothers use to keep their toddlers from wandering away. Ours was just heart-felt and invisible!

 There were moments when anger, frustration, and depression came on me because I had let go my job and thus, my financial security, benefits and even a piece of my identity. My freedom to come and go went out the window along with the habit of getting a good night’s sleep. The weight of grief, however, came from the settling in of dementia into my mother’s brain. Although it was difficult at first for my independent mother to hand over the reins of her life to me, the dance of dementia in her brain was such that she eventually lost the memory of being a nurse, a mother, a sister, and an adult. Within a year of her death, my mother had no inkling of death or grief or loss because, within the mind of a child, each day was always fresh and new.

For my sisters and me, however, our dances with the journey of grief had become a daily affair. The experience through grief was made tolerable for me because the grief process had long been an interest of mine. I had read a lot of books. Previously, I had been involved in support group environments where people could talk openly about their situations, losses and emotions. Throughout my Care Bear experience, friends and family checked in with me daily so I always felt supported.  When my mother was napping, Wii Fitness bowling and tennis helped me burn off the fires of anger and frustration. The despair, helplessness and hopelessness of depression took a back seat during those moments in which I tuned out from grief and into healthy distractions like jigsaw puzzles, funny movies, reading or journaling. When my mother was awake and we were dealing with the obstinate responses of her brain and the tired, frustrated responses of my brain, I began to practice a simple, inexpensive exercise. This exercise required of me only one thing, that I be willing to practice.

There is no easy way to make it through the dance known as grief. Distractions might work for a while yet, because we are human, we will face grief head-on at some time and for various reasons. In those moments when anger, frustration, sadness and despair hit me the hardest, I began to practice the art of breathing through the tidal wave of emotions that threatened to pull me under. There were moments in which it felt as if I were having a heart attack. I even took my blood pressure a few times to see if a stroke was imminent. At first, I wanted some quick fix to escape the pressure yet the strongest emotions came when I was trying to cope with some dementia-related, out-of-the-blue behavior of my mother’s. I could not turn away, take five or do anything that would leave my mother in an unsafe situation. Breathing through the heaviness of emotion was a hands-free, non-interruptive practice. Yes, I also muttered a lot at first. Here is what I now know.   For me, continuing to breathe through the tightness, the heaviness, eventually brought me to the sense of calm that I needed in order to get things done. This practice was akin to a prayer. A focus on breathing through anger, sadness and despair invited prayerful thoughts into my mind. With practice, I came to experience a sense of a peace that passed all of my understanding. Every night when I had gotten my mother to sleep, I called someone, usually a sister, and talked out my day.

Because of our wonderful Hospice care staff, our mother was able to pass from this world while at home. During that last week of her life, there were moments when, looking at my sleeping mother, my breath would become still and a powerful wave of loving emotion would well up within me. At such moments, it seemed as if I might die or, at least, disappear if I stayed caught up in this emotion’s strength for too long. Religions have their ways of explaining love, using words that evoke or awaken one to an experience of God’s love. For me, it seemed as if there were instances near the end of my Care Bear journey in which Love simply gathered me in its strong, gentle arms and, for a moment, took me some place beyond the strongest emotions of grief. Always, afterwards, there was a sense of graciousness and freshness in place of the heaviness in my heart. Grace sat within my spirit after the heavy emotions of grief had had their release. Breathing through instead of resisting those emotions brought peace to me.

 When my mother died, a sense of this peace stayed with me even as I mourned the loss of her physical presence in my life. We had been mother and daughter, friends and, at the end, I played the role of mother while her brain saw herself as my daughter. I had lived out of state for a number of years and was the daughter who had written our mother many letters.  One day while going through my mother’s files not long after she had died, I found her cache of saved letters and cards.  Sitting and reading them while tears of anguish flowed, the sadness at no longer having her physical presence in my life became overwhelming. Continuing to breathe through the sadness, I finally had to get up and move around, doing various chores in order to burn up that overwhelming energy. When I sat back down, I was able to read the rest of the letters, still crying yet without the heaviness of despair. Sweet memories sat with me instead. As was my healthy habit, I called a sister.

There is no set formula that I have stumbled upon that might have helped me be able to immediately step out of those Care Bear and mother-sitting roles, pick up the missing pieces of my life and get the pieces all glued back together again in some kind of satisfied way. The words in my journal turned into a book, Adventures in Mother-Sitting. Writing and editing was cathartic for me and created a concentrated focus for the next year of my life. There are still those moments in which grief grabs my attention and breathing through again takes me to a peaceful shore named grace. My sisters and other family and friends and I continue to offer emotional support to each other.  I still have a connection with our Hospice chaplain and other staff who offered support to my family.

    It has been two years now since my mother, my cheerleader in life, has died. Something in my 63 year old spirit seems to be waking up. Though there is no clear direction yet for my life, I find that I am tuning more into social networking venues that relate to caregivers and grief issues. It feels timely now for me to make contact with local agencies and volunteer in some way. I do see a part-time job in my future, one that keeps me in contact with others versus one that is behind a desk. More will be revealed on that front. Other people that I cared about have since died. As my own deep level of grief has waned, it has become easier for me to offer more direct emotional support to others who are experiencing loss in their lives. Grief, as we know, is a journey to be shared. I no longer wait for grief to visit me out of the blue. Each day, I take some moments to sit and breathe through the sweet sadness of grief then sit quietly and reverently for a while with grace.

**Thanks Doreen for submitting such a beautiful story. Please share your comments in the box below.

If you want to submit a story for the Heartache To Healing site, you can learn more by clicking here.

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This experience made me realize the power and need to maintain perspective.  I could have let this take over my being, like it did when my mom was sick and after she passed, but I didn’t get depressed or out of control.  I went through the grieving process slowly as things were happening.  I cried a lot, but did not lose myself throughout it all.  And then I came to terms with the fate of the situation, and am truly at peace with it now.  This is such a change from where I was 15 years ago.  I know you cannot compare the loss of a mother to the loss of an early pregnancy, but I feel like I’ve made huge strides in dealing with grief as well as dealing with life and keeping things in perspective.  I hope that I can remember this feeling for the next time I experience a big loss in my life so that I can take that with grace and perspective as well.

As was the situation with my mom passing, family and friends have been a huge support and comfort through this difficult time.  They are truly my inspiration to get through the situation and be okay, knowing that I have their support and love.  If there’s one lesson to share with the world about both experiences, it is to lean on your family and friends during such trying times in your life – they will be there to let you cry, hear your story, and make you laugh when you need it.  They are also there to be your rock and keep you going forward.  For the past 15 years, I have made it a point to never take my family and friends for granted, because they are such an important part of my life.

 **This story was submitted by a Heartache To Healing  reader who prefers to remain anonymous…Please share your comments about this story below, we love to hear from the readers.

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When a child dies

I got the chance to ask Dave about his personal experience coping with the loss of a child and how he came to council other bereaved parents on their journey of grief.

Dave explained that the loss of Jeannine was unbearable and left him broken as all parents experience.  “You never expect to bury your children, Dave said.”  With support and working through it  he found meaning through his experience and now gives voice and companionship to other bereaved parents.   As we talked, Dave shared  stories about his relationship with Jeannine and how much fun they had together and how they truly enjoyed similar interests as adults.    The stories keep Jeannine’s memory alive and he shared with me that “forgetting is not a requirement of the grief journey, remembering is.”   That is such a powerful statement!  He also went on to say that he has re-written his life by taking the best parts of Jeannine which gives his life meaning and remembering allows him to adjust to the new reality of life without her physical presence.

I asked Dave how siblings such as his own deal with their grief when parents are grieving.  He explained that “often siblings will experience disenfranchised grief “ because they are told things like “be good for your parents now” or “help out your parents during this time”  so the message they get is take care of the parents and put your own grief on the back burner.  Siblings need their stories validated by their parents and friends and should consider seeking sibling grief groups through organizations such as Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents USA.  Dave went on to explain that its the “untold stories that cause the most pain.”  This is certainly true for all losses.

I felt optimistic for the bereaved parents that would be attending the annual conference this year where Dave Roberts was teaching a workshop and lending out a hand hope to others who were now walking the all too familiar journey he had begun only eight years earlier.

Dave Roberts

Dave  has been employed in the addictions field for 25 years and is also an adjunct professor in the psychology and psychology-child life departments at Utica College, Utica, New York.  Mr. Roberts also developed a topics course on Parental Bereavement issues, and teaches a Death, Dying and Bereavement course for Utica College.  He is a volunteer for Hospice and Palliative Care, Inc, in New Hartford, New York and a member of the All Inclusive Care for Children Coalition.  He has a website:  Bootsy and Angel

Dave’s recommended reading;

Books- Loss of a Child

      Blowey, Carla.  Dreaming Kevin: The Path to Healing.  Infinity Publishing.Com.

Brant, Mary Jane Hurley. When Everyday Matters: A Mother’s Memoir on Love, Loss and Life. Simple Abundance Press

Cimador(Rosigno), Diana. I Am Still His Mother. Infinity Press

Carmody,Mitch .Letters to My Son- Turning Loss to Legacy

    Crider, Thomas. Give Sorrow Words: A Father’s Passage Through Grief.  Algonquin Books. ISBN: 1-56512-116-3

Peart, Neil. Ghost Rider: Travels on the Healing Road   ECW Press. (Peart’s book also addresses death of his spouse)

Sibling Loss

The Empty Room – Elizabeth Devito Rayburn

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If you asked me on July 20, 2008, where I’d be in three years, it would have involved all the things I would be doing with my beautiful baby boy.  Like any parent, from the day I found out I was pregnant, all my thoughts, hopes and dreams for the future were filled with images of our family together, happy and loving life.  I would have never imagined in 24 hours, those dreams would be shattered and who I once was would cease to exist.

My son, Mason, was three and a half months old when he died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).  That mid-summer day was without a doubt the worst day of my life.  Everything I had ever thought, known and believed about my life was completely erased.  When my child died, a huge part of me died too.  The first few days and weeks my pain was masked by the shock I felt.  Did this truly happen?  Is this a nightmare that I’ll wake up from?  People thought I seemed to be dealing well with the circumstances, but little did they know that I hadn’t even begun to deal with what would be my lifelong journey through grief.  When the shock started to fade, an incredibly raw and gut wrenching pain followed.   I felt sad, depressed, lost, alone, confused, angry and hopeless.  Some days the pain, would literally take my breath away.  It was hard to function like a normal human being; hard to live knowing my child was not.

After my son died, one of my first instincts was to reach out to other parents that had been through my situation.  I had friends and family that supported me, but unless they had lost a child too, they could only help so much.  Their lives went on – as they should – but mine had not, and in some ways my life had permanently paused on the day my child died.  To understand this, you must walk the same journey.

Talking to parents in various stages of loss helped me know that what I was feeling was normal.  They reassured me that I wasn’t alone, they understood, and they were there for me.  As hard as it was to see that others knew my pain, it was also comforting.  These parents knew they couldn’t change what happened, they knew I wouldn’t ever be better, and there was no talk of “moving on” because they knew it would never truly happen.

The parents I found support in helped me in so many ways, but one of the most precious gifts I was given was the gift of HOPE.   That although I will never be the person I used to be, one day I would learn to be happy again.  That although the pain and heartache I felt would never be fully erased, I would be able to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face instead of tears in my eyes.  That by moving forward, I was not forgetting my child, but rather living my life as a tribute to him.

If you have lost a child, I encourage you to reach out to those who are on the same journey.  I am where I am today, in large part because of the wonderful mothers and fathers I was supported by.  We live in a world that wasn’t made for bereaved parents.  Every day is hard for us.  From simple conversations, to going to the store – not to mention, holidays, birthdays and other important milestones we have to live through without our children; life is challenging.   No one understands this more than another parent who has lost a child.

This journey is not an easy one; we will always miss our children, wish things were different and wonder what should have been, but we must remember, we are not alone.  Others have gone before us, and others will come after us.  We travel this road together, supporting, encouraging and understanding each other’s pain.  It may never go away, but by leaning on each other, we can find support and hope that there is a light at the end of this dark and lonely tunnel.
*************************************************************************************
Brittianee Neu lives in Blaine, MN with her husband, daughter and a baby on the way.  Her first child, Mason, died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) in July 2008 when he was three and half months old.  Neu is involved with the nonprofit organization, Baby Angels Foundation, a statewide initiative to maximize the supports available to parents and families who have lost an infant.  The Baby Angels Foundation’s 2nd Annual 5K Run/Walk to Remember is on June 12, 2011 at Bunker Hills Regional Park in Coon Rapids, MN.  For more information visit: www.babyangelsfoundation.org

GRIEF RESOURCES;

Bereaved Parents USA
Bereaved Parents of the USA (BP/USA) is a nationwide organization designed to aid and support bereaved parents and their families who are struggling to survive their grief after the death of a child.

Faith’s Lodge – A place for those dealing with a serious illness or death of a child

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• Visit the cemetery, it can be an important mourning ritual. It helps to embrace the loss and remember
• Publish a memorial poem in the newspaper, church bulletin. Again its another way to honor your mother with a poem
• Plant your mother’s favorite flower, afterall its spring and gardening represents growth, beauty and the natural cycles of life & death
• Reach out to other family members and share a meal where you can all talk about fond memories of your Mother
• Be silly, do something you loved as a kid and recall how much fun your Mom had with you as a child
• Be mindful of someone else who might need comfort and guidance just as your Mom provided you, let a little bit of your Mom’s good works rub off, you’ll be glad you did!

Please share in the comments below, how do you remember and honor your mother?

Idea to honor mom’s memory…

Place this lovely pewter stake in your garden or at the grave site as a constant reminder of your departed loved one. One side of the dangling heart is engraved with “In Loving Memory”. Click Here

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Lauren & her Mom

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 5 years old. I never knew much about her prognosis and she didn’t look sick, and almost never acted sick. The first time I noticed a change in my mother I was home from college for a wedding, four months later I visited for Thanksgiving, by then my mother had lost her hair and her mobility. The transformation shocked my system. When she passed away one month later, I was stunned.  I left the funeral and flew back to start my spring semester the next day, I was only 20 years old and grief hadn’t entered my vocabulary.

It was subconscious but I somehow completely avoided dealing with the loss of my mother for almost three years. The word advice can have a bad connotation so I won’t give advice but here is my suggestion for dealing with a death;  accept that you’ll make mistakes,  commit to figuring out how to cope,  love and respect the people who love you,  be patient and over time you’ll gain clarity.

Bottling up your feelings isn’t right or wrong but when your feelings rear their heads, it’s inevitable that they will need to be dealt with.

Not knowing how to cope is understandable. Being young we’re not experienced with grief.  Even in circumstances where we see it coming, it’s hard to prepare for something so heavy.  It’s hard to deal with all of the emotions that come along with such a situation.  It’s even harder to know the right way to handle it. My deflection of choice was conformity.  In May of 2007 I was graduating from American University with a Cum laude on my diploma and a job waiting for me at an established publisher in town. If that sounds cool,  it’s less cool in practice but it is the societal standard and presumption of what you’re supposed to do.

Before my mom passed away I was a little wild. I went out five nights a week and let my developing frontal lobe rule. After she passed I took her words, “You can’t stop living because I do,” very seriously. I became a much more conscientious student. I opted for an internship leaving my fledgling career as part health food store cashier part yoga instructor behind. Then I pushed my friends away. In my last year of school my roommate and I were studying one night and I said something that offended her. She was upset I didn’t notice so she stopped talking to me. I was devastated because I thought we were such good friends. Normally I would have talked it out with her but I wasn’t feeling capable of a constructive conversation at that time so I let it fester. Eventually she moved out so my boyfriend and I moved in together. I had the full package: the diploma, the steady boyfriend and the job.

My graduation ceremony fell on Mother’s day. I was an anxious mess. I wanted everything to be perfect so of course everything went wrong. My hair color turned out heinous. The restaurants I picked fell flat. The directions I gave led to unprecedented traffic. And the party my brother threw started with me sitting on the bathroom floor crying because my hair, outfit and venue were “all wrong”. More likely I was crying because my mother wasn’t there. I missed her and I didn’t know how best to handle it.

After a year of grief counseling and a U-Haul out of my premature domesticity, I realized the two things that helped me most were simple but challenging. First of all, I had to take care of myself. Second, writing about the experience of losing my mom helped me figure out how I felt. That revelation led to http://MamaQuest.org, a blog I started to share my journey through loss and talk about how my mom was truly one of a kind. The response overwhelmed me. I became an available listener. Because I shared my experience of grief, people feel safe to tell me their story. Hearing other people’s stories is both cathartic for them and comforting for me. As a result I launched Trauma to Art (http://Trauma2art.com), a movement to encourage creative expression from those who have experienced loss. After the launch my theory was confirmed. Everyone’s experience is unique but we all share a common problem: how do we cope?

(Teenagers and young adults often walk through their grief differently than older adults. Lauren’s story shares some of what she experienced and I encourage young people to visit her blog and share your feelings because peer to peer support is often the very support we need.  ~ JoAnne Funch, Heartache To Healing)

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The first steps begin with grieving the loss of your loved one and through that experience you begin to understand that you do not have to dwell in this place forever. You will find your way out of the deep sadness to live life fully again. Every day, people die and those who loved that person start the grieving process. Some people suffer loss in tragic, unfathomable ways and yet rise up against seemingly overwhelming odds to survive and thrive through another day.  Others remain stuck in their grief unable to reconcile their loss and go on living life with guilt, or uncontrollable sorrow.

So do we get over our grief?

People do not “get over” grief and following a significant loss we never return to the way life used to be, because our life is forever changed by our loss.  Rather, we work to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the one who has died.

Pain and grief are part of life

As we reconcile to our loss, we find a renewed sense of energy and confidence. We are able to acknowledge that our sadness and grief is hard, probably one of the hardest things we’ve ever experienced and yet a part of life.

It is up to you to transform your life.

One day you realize in your heart that your loved one will not return nor will the life you used to share with this person. This realization begins to change the relationship from your beloved being with you physically to the memory and thus re-focusing your energy toward the future. This is a combination of your intellect, emotional and spiritual realizations all coming to accept the death.

Mourning the loss through crying, talking, thinking, shouting and whatever other means by which you experience your loss is the process that is necessary to transform and heal.

Healing and reconciling is an ongoing process, but it is a process. If you don’t begin the process you will remain stuck in your sadness and grief.

Are you mourning your loss? Are you working through the reconciliation or are you stuck and don’t feel or see how you will find happiness again?

“Fear doesn’t stop death, fear stops life” – David Kessler

If you feel isolated and alone with no one to turn to, please consider grief coaching, I can help you live life again while honoring the memory of your loved one..CLICK HERE

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I watched the toll this care giving took on all the family members while anticipating her inevitable death.  The symptoms of anticipatory grief can include  mood swings, forgetfulness, disorganized and confused behavior, anger, depression, denial, feeling disconnected from life and alone.   You may have health symptoms, too, such as weight loss or gain, problems sleeping, nervous behavior, depression and general fatigue.

Depending on your loved one’s illness, you may grieve for a year, five years, 10 years, or more. The slow decline of a loved one is a heavy burden. Edward Myers, in his book “When Parents Die,” says this burden comes with special hardships. Myers compares a slow decline to an advancing glacier.

A sudden death hits you like an explosion, Myers explains, and sends you into shock, whereas a slow decline “arrives more like a glacier, massive and unstoppable, grinding you down.” Dealing with the symptoms of anticipatory grief gets harder with each passing day.

One thing you can do is give yourself permission to cry. Tears are an emotional release, according to Jeffrey A. Kottler, author of “The Language of Tears.” He thinks crying brings people together. When you cry and share your story with others, they share their stories with you.

According to author Harriet Hodgson, you may compile a support list. Put contact names, phone numbers, and email addresses on your list. Add anticipatory grief “prescriptions” to your list, things like a daily walking group, half-day cooking class, or book club meeting.

Hodgson goes on to explain that anticipatory grief symptoms are a big deal. Handling these symptoms is one of the best deals you’ll ever make with yourself. The things you learn today will brighten your tomorrows.

FOR: RESOURCES FOR HOSPICE CARE

How To Cope With Grief During The Holidays

***

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**
- Accept the reality of the death
- Allow yourself to feel the pain & sorrow of the loss
- Allow yourself to openly remember & honor the person who died
- In time, develop a new identity
- Search for meaning in your life going forward
- Always let people in to help you during this time and always

with love, inspiration & hope

JoAnne Funch, Founder

P.S.  Do you need help? Need someone to walk you through the next steps in your grief journey?

I offer private consulting and small group workshops.  email me for details. joanne@heartachetohealing.com

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