Choose Words That Comfort Grief
May 16, 2009 by JoAnne
Filed under GRIEF SUPPORT
When you talk to someone who is grieving, words often don’t come, you don’t know what to say. But remember that the one who is grieving does want to hear from you. May I suggest you don’t ask questions like, “How Are You Doing?” because when your logical mind thinks about that question, how do you think someone would be doing who just lost a loved one? Rather, ask a more specific question like, “Can I help with anything around the house this week?” or “I’m sure you are overwhelmed right now, but I will check on you again next week” and be sure that you do follow-up. To speak to someone immediately following a death a better statement might be, “I can’t imagine the sorrow you are feeling right now, but know that I am here whenever you need support”
Another suggestion is, don’t assume someone else is going to step in and help, because if everyone thinks that way the one grieving will have little to no support. Amazingly once the funeral is over, people move on except those grieving, that is the time when support is needed most. Also don’t be afraid to ask how you can help and sometime it might require a gentle push, but the effort and support will never be forgotten.
Any other suggestions are welcomed, please comment below or email me at; joanne@heartachetohealing.com
My Book, “I Don’t Know What To Say” is a wonderful reference for every family, because we all face death at sometime.
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Michele on Tue, 15th Sep 2009 8:46 am
I had given some of my son’s ashes to 3 women who helped me towards the end of his life. Since he passed, almost 4 years ago, they stopped calling me (after 3 months he passed) have memorials for my son and invite his friends but don’t invite me. I feel betrayed. They told my son they would be there for me when he asked in the end. I am now deciding on buring Nicky as one and asked for his ashes back. I received one so far and the other two never responded. How do you react to something like this? They claim their love for Nicky is immeasurable, yet they don’t have the respect or dignity to come forth and acknowledge the very person who brought them into this life? There are no excuses for this type of behavior.
And I forgot to say, that maybe an answer would be, they don’t know how to react or what to say, that is very untrue because these women are all chatterboxes in town and know exactly what to say to anyone.
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admin Reply:
September 15th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Michele,
I understand your pain and sense of betrayal, if you can find it in your hurting heart to contact these women who still have the ashes and simply acknowledge that they probably don’t know what to say to you any longer now that your son has passed, but none the less you want his ashes back because it means the world to you. You might also have to ask for their support in specific ways, because I have found that the more specific we are with what we want, then our needs are met and isn’t that what you really want? We all go along hoping people will intuitively know what we want and step up to the plate, but that is simply not the case. Learning to ask for what we want and need from others ultimately is more empowering to us, I hope you will give it a try rather than remaining hurt and alone with those feelings.
(By the way, I am not condoning the behavior of your friends, just acknowledging sometimes we can’t change that)
I am so sorry for the loss of your son, I know it has left a huge hole in your heart. I pray his memories comfort you with the happiness you brought into your life.
with love, hope and inspiration,
JoAnne
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Michelle on Tue, 13th Apr 2010 1:44 pm
It’s been 6 months today that I lost my husband, best friend and love of my life. I have yet to find words of comfort or people who truly care. I just don’t care anymore and am simply waiting patiently day by day for God to hopefully remember who I am and come collect me.
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