Birth, Death & Inspiration

I asked Kevin McNamara to share a little of his story of the death of his daughter because we so often don’t hear from men and the feelings associated with grief.  Please take a few minutes to read the story and check out the good work he is now doing on his website listed below.

Birth, Death & Inspiration By Kevin McNamara

Holly Maree McNamara, was born on the 20^th August, 1988 at the Dandenong Valley Private Hospital in Melbourne, Australia. Holly died on the 18^th of January, 1989. She died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (S.I.D.S). Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is also known as cot death. She was five-months-old. She was beautiful.

SIDS is described as being: ‘Sudden death of any infant or child which is unexpected by history and in which a thorough post-mortem examination fails to demonstrate an adequate cause of death’.

My own description of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is this: ‘My beautiful five month old daughter Holly stopped breathing and died for reasons unknown to any living human being.’

Losing a child is one of the hardest things any parent will have to go through. Writing about it is even harder.

When Holly died my whole physical body shut down. It was like a brick wall had been placed around my emotions. I couldn’t cry, even at her funeral. I was just numb. It was a sad and depressing time.

It took much soul searching to come to terms with her death.

I started reading books and attending seminars on self development. I became a self development junkie. I had a realisation one day that I had a choice. I could either go down the road of the victim and blame everybody else for my miserable life or I could choose the road less travelled, the road where I took responsibility for my own life and my own decisions. It is easy to blame others and be miserable and get family and friends to feel sorry for you. But that wasn’t for me.

I was becoming inspired by the books I was reading. People like Dr Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle had a message to pass on. They were inspiring others to become the best they could be. They were helping other people. They were changing lives. They were changing mine.

I had always been fascinated by people who meditated and I was dabbling in that as well. Over time it became obvious to me that meditation, inspiring others and writing a book about my experience was what I had to do. I had my own message to pass on. I had been through my ‘dark night of the soul’ and had survived and thrived. I had found my life purpose.

Here are three tips I give people who are struggling in their lives:

1. Start a journal. Write down all your feelings and emotions about your circumstances. While your negative emotions are living inside you they have nowhere to go. They are actually doing damage to your body and causing disease. When you write things down it gives them an outlet. You are transferring those emotions through your fingers to the written page. It is a great release for your body and mind. It can be a very cathartic experience.
2. Serve others. When we start helping other people we start to focus away from our own situation and start looking at how we can assist other people. Giving of yourself is the best gift a person can receive. Join a local community association, volunteer to help out at the local Salvation Army store or any local charity shop, help out at your local hospital, start a fundraising campaign for a worthy cause. Help others and you help yourself.
3. Meditate. All man’s troubles could be eased by simply meditating for 10 minutes every day. The result of meditation is peace. The way to that peace is finding out who you really are. When we meditate and go deep within ourselves we find the inner peace and love that is our true self. My meditation is now part of my lifestyle. Twice a day, morning and night. It has changed my life and will change yours.

Click HERE for Kevin’s site

Do you need support on your grief journey from someone who understands? Check out upcoming class and coaching. click here

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How has a death put your life in perspective?

Doris Good After losing 2 brothers and both parents in 7 years, their deaths taught me the preciousness of remembering. I have no one to call and say “remember when” with. I realize that I have to reinvent myself because I no longer live the rolls of Bill and Terry’s Sister or Bill and Doris Jean’s daughter. I didn’t know how much of me was a part of those relationships. Now I have rememberances, rituals to satisfy the need to say “remember when we….”. It taught me that the silence of sending balloons to my departed and visualizing them taking the balloons up to the heavens can be a very soothing and satisfying moment of peace and rememberance.

“Death puts life in perspective” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Coping With Significant Dates

Following the death of your loved one you will face the significant days that will make you remember  your loved one who is now gone.  On those days your emotions may be more fragile as you reflect on a life that is gone by. Continue reading “Coping With Significant Dates” »

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What Can Faith Do to Heal Your Grief?

I talk with people about their losses all the time and it seems evident to me that more often than not it is ones faith that see’s them through their darkest, most difficult times.  Continue reading “What Can Faith Do to Heal Your Grief?” »

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Anniversary of a Death

Today marks the 4th anniversary of my husband Allan’s death.  I still miss him and the life we had built together.  People have asked me over the past couple of years if I have “gotten over” his death…Wow, what an unbelievable comment that is and I say ” I will never “get over” the death of my husband.    That said, you probably wonder if I have been able to move forward with my life and how ?

The simple answer is YES, I did find hope through my grief and I did move forward with life without my dear husband.  Was it easy – absolutely not! I took one day at a time which turned into one week and one month.

I learned to ask for help because it didn’t take too long for me to figure out I couldn’t possibly assume all the tasks my husband performed let alone my own.    In my case, my husband and I owned a business together and therefore I not only had to assume his role in the company but I also assumed his responsibilities at home.  Some days I sat and cried over how I would get everything done and keep my life together?  But through the tears, the anger at him for leaving me, the challenges of keeping the business going I still had the support of  family and friends and I just  kept going one day at a time and you can too.

Here a few tips to share that helped me move on with my life;

1.  I don’t believe you will ever “get over” the loss.  But you will learn to accept the loss which is when you move forward.

2.  I realized I had to find a new “normal” for me and my life as a widow, and eventually I accepted that too.

3.  I didn’t make any serious life decisions until about 18 months after his death.

4.  I let go of my ego and asked for alot of help, everything from help with yard work to help with my business.

5.  I didn’t clean out my husband’s closet and personal belongings until I was ready, in my case that was 6 months after his death, don’t let anyone rush you into this until you are ready.

6.  Each year on the anniversary of the death of my Mom I do something meaningful to honor her death, this year I wrote a story about her love of reading and I shared it with my brothers.   In my husbands case I honor his memory by donating money in his name to an organization he loved and I do other things that honor his memory as well. Remembering is wonderful and I love to honor these deaths in a loving way.  I also honor my Mom and husband through this website. Giving to others is a positive way of moving forward with life.  Find something meaningful to you is the key.

7.   On special days such as mother’s day, father’s day and birthdays I found ways of bringing fond memories into my day.  I reminded my step daughter how wonderful of a father she had and we would laugh about silly memories and on mother’s day I would remember special things my mother did and sometimes would make a special meal my mother showed me how to make.  Each year that passes the anniversaries will get easier to handle and often become that of a great day of remembrance.

So today I will find quiet moments to reflect on the love  and laughter we shared, the life we made and memories I keep with me forever.  Yes, I’ve shed some tears and wondered what might have been…

I think I will also have a martini (something Allan loved) and I will raise my glass, smile and be grateful that I had been loved and cherished by a really great guy.

CLICK HERE to watch video on Anniversary of Death

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Memorial Day – A Day to Remember

Memorial Day is that day we set aside to honor those who have served in our military and died.  Regardless of our political opinions on war and the military, today let us all honor those who had the courage to serve this country with honor.  I thank you.

On this memorial weekend many people honor and pay respects to loved ones who have died.  I accompanied my Dad to visit the graves of my Mom, my grand parents, aunts and uncles.  We reminisced   about fond memories, shared a laugh or two as well as a private reflection.  I smiled as my Dad brushed off the dirt from the headstone where my Mom was laid to rest, pulled a couple of weeds and replaced old flowers with new.  He spoke a few words out loud to her and I was sure she was listening.

As we drove out of the cemetary I was deeply moved by the hundreds of flags I saw waving in the wind honoring those who died in service of our country, and all the beauty of the new flowers brightly adorning a site where someone was remembered.  Visiting a cemetary can be an important ritual to mourning because it helps us embrace our loss and remember those who have died.   If the body was cremated and the ashes not buried such as the case with my late husband, you may chose to visit the site where you scattered the ashes. Whatever rituals we choose to honor our loved ones who have died, it’s a time to give pause and thanks for those people who have shared your life.

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The Anguish of Sudden Death

The anguish of someone you love dying suddenly is one of those things you just can’t imagine will ever happen to you.  I couldn’t have imagined it either until it happened to me.  The moment still remains so surreal.  My husband and I owned a business together and were working in our building like we did everyday.   This particular day he was on a ladder installing some electrical conduit onto a wall when he fell from the ladder onto the concrete floor.  In that instant my life was forever changed.  I ran to him as soon as I heard the crash and I saw him lying on the floor unconscious and bleeding.  I had an employee call 911 as I held him in my arms for what seemed an eternity.  He regained conciseness and started to break away from my hold, I had no idea the extent of his injuries and thought I should try to keep him as immobile as possible until the ambulance arrived.  He was rushed to the hospital where he remained comatose for seven days in the intensive care unit until he died.  During that week as I sat by his bedside in my daily vigil, I talked to him with a certainty that I was sure he could hear me. I begged him to wake up, to come home and that we needed him.  I found myself making a pact with God to please let him wake up and be well and I would be repentant forever after.  I guess God had other plans.

Sudden death leaves you numb.  I never got to say good bye, I so desperately wanted to hear his voice one more time.  I wanted to feel his hands touch my face and hold my hand. I wanted to take back every cross word I ever used, I wanted to have one more day, just one more day.

Losing someone you love so quickly is a heartache of unbearable proportion. I recall feeling numb for days and weeks that followed. My life was forever changed and I hadn’t made plans to accommodate that change.  We make plans for our lives in so many areas from raising the children and planning their education to the short and long term planning of our personal and professional goals.  We did not have a plan for sudden death, we had no life insurance, and we had no back up “what if” plan.

The journey through grief was hard, I questioned the meaning of life, my faith and of whom I would become.  My self-identity as a wife had changed, how I was once defined was now different. I was now a widow. I did not sign up for this role and did not embrace it easily.

There were lessons learned from my journey. I did learn to be compassionate to myself and all the feelings I encountered.  I learned to go with the flow of the day and not judge myself so harshly. I eventually faced the reality of my husband’s death, embraced the pain and found hope for my future.  Most days now are good days, memories are sweet and oh so precious and life is a gift I do not take for granted.

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Lesson In Life’s Kind Moments

I like to share inspirational stories on occasion just because it keeps both life and death in a healthy perspective. Enjoy this story.

in hope & inspiration, JoAnne

RED MARBLES

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes.

I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean,
hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh
green peas.

I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes.
Pondering the peas, I couldn’t help overhearing the conversation
between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

‘Hello Barry, how are you today?’

‘H’lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus’
admirin’ them peas. They sure look good.’

‘They are good, Barry. How’s your Ma?’

‘Fine. Gittin’ stronger alla’ time.’

‘Good. Anything I can help you with?’

‘No, Sir. Jus’ admirin’ them peas.’

‘Would you like take some home?’ asked Mr. Miller.

‘No, Sir. Got nuthin’ to pay for ‘em with.’
‘Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?’

‘All I got’s my prize marble here.’

‘Is that right? Let me see it’ said Miller.

‘Here ’tis. She’s a dandy.’

‘I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of
go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?’ the store owner
asked.

‘Not zackley but almost.’

‘Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip
this way let me look at that red marble’, Mr. Miller told the boy.

‘Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.’

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me.

With a smile said, ‘There are two other boys like him in our
community, all three are in very poor circumstances.
Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or
whatever.

When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he
decides he doesn’t like red after all and he sends them home with a
bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on
their next trip to the store.’

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man.

A short time later I moved to Colorado , but I never forgot the story
of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one.

Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho
community and while I was there learned that Mr.
Miller had died.

They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends
wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.

Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives
of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men.

One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark
suits and white shirts…all very professional looking.

They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her
husband’s casket.

Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke
briefly with her and moved on to the casket.>
Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man
stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand
in the casket.

Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded
her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me
about her husband’s bartering for marbles.

With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

‘Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about.
They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim ‘traded’ them.

Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or
size…they came to pay their debt.’

‘We’ve never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,’ she
confided, ‘but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man
in Idaho ‘.

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased
husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral : We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind
moments that take our breath.

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Those Who Die Still Live

I just read a lovely post by Marianne Williamson I wanted to share with you.  She wrote about the passing of the actress Natasha Richardson and the spiritual perspective that those that die still live.  “It is not the reality of death, but only our belief about its reality, that ultimately causes us sorrow and pain.” I hope you will CLICK HERE and read the entire story.

with  love & inspiration,

JoAnne Funch

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What Do You Fear From Loss?

We all have fear surrounding the death of a loved one, and I think addressing those fears will help you in the grieving and healing process.

After the death of my husband, some of my fears were as follows, please send me your comments in the space below as to what were or are your fears?

• How will I ever get over this overwhelming sadness
• Unbelieving that he is actually gone
• How will my life go on without him
• How will I manage our business
• How will I financially make it

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