Memorial Day – A Day to Remember

Memorial Day is that day we set aside to honor those who have served in our military and died.  Regardless of our political opinions on war and the military, today let us all honor those who had the courage to serve this country with honor.  I thank you.

Dad honoring my Mom

On this memorial weekend many people honor and pay respects to loved ones who have died.  I accompanied my Dad to visit the graves of my Mom, my grand parents, aunts and uncles.  We reminisced   about fond memories, shared a laugh or two as well as a private reflection.  I smiled as my Dad brushed off the dirt from the headstone where my Mom was laid to rest, pulled a couple of weeds and replaced old flowers with new.  He spoke a few words out loud to her and I was sure she was listening.

Me at Mom's gravesite

Flag honoring veteran

As we drove out of the cemetary I was deeply moved by the hundreds of flags I saw waving in the wind honoring those who died in service of our country, and all the beauty of the new flowers brightly adorning a site where someone was remembered.  Visiting a cemetary can be an important ritual to mourning because it helps us embrace our loss and remember those who have died.   If the body was cremated and the ashes not buried such as the case with my late husband, you may chose to visit the site where you scattered the ashes. Whatever rituals we choose to honor our loved ones who have died, it’s a time to give pause and thanks for those people who have shared your life.

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Lessons We Learn In Grief

This posting is being shared by my new friend Diana Sebzda, Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in issues of anticipatory grief, grief and pet loss.

WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?

When we lose someone we love, it is often our memories that sustain us and give us comfort, unless our memories are ones of regret.  How is it possible to have memories of regret?

Think about the last time we had an argument with our loved one and went to bed angry, left the house, or didn’t speak for days.  Think about how we tend to take for granted those that are closest to us.  Think about the times we may have forgotten a birthday, an anniversary or a special date that was important to our loved one.  Think about how many times we did what we wanted to do without any thought or regard to whether our loved one would be interested in doing the same thing.  Then think about hearing the news that your loved one died suddenly.

They are never coming back – they are gone forever.  Gone too are the opportunities we thought we had to make up from that argument, to say we’re sorry, to remember that special event, to ask our loved one “What would YOU like to do?”  Along with our feelings of grief and of missing them, we now have feelings of regret.  Typically when our loved ones are alive we have the time to make amends, to make things right.  What do we do when that opportunity is taken from us?

These are the lessons we learn in grief.  We learn that we have no control over the future; people die all the time, in many different ways – sometimes suddenly.  Our loved one could walk out that door to go to work and never come back.  We can’t make ourselves crazy with the “not knowing what our future holds.”  So we have to take the lessons and learn from them.  We can’t take our loved ones for granted.  We have to appreciate them every day, while they are still here.  Don’t make the same mistakes twice.  Tell our loved ones that we love them, that they matter, and that they are important to us.  Even when we’re mad at them.  We know that anger doesn’t last forever – love them “through” the anger, in spite of the anger.  Try to make each day special for them.  Hold their hand, give them a hug or a kiss, give them your time, listen to them – really listen to them.  Create loving memories that will sustain us and give us comfort, after they have gone.

Diana Sebzda, MA, LPC, CT

http://dianasgriefsupport.blogspot.com

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