Grief Retreat Offers Peer Support

Having grief support is an important part of the grief journey and healing process.  Grief support can come in many different forms including grief support groups through your church, hospice, hospitals, grief centers, bereavement organizations that support a specific group of mourners and even now through Meet-Up groups.

This weekend I was invited to attend a retreat called “Sacred Journey – A Retreat for the Widowed” sponsored by The Grief Project and founder Suzann Eisenberg Murray.

The retreat began with grief counselors talking about grief as an experience of change and loss and how grief affects us spiritually mentally, physically emotionally and socially.   The attendees were encouraged to remember that death ends a life not a relationship!   We continue the relationship with those who have died by talking & praying to them, honoring their memory through new and old traditions, keeping photos in sight to remind us of our relationships.

They talked further about the idea that there is no going back to the person we were, rather we’re in between where we were and who we are going to be.  This applies to all loss, now just widowed people.

There was a session on Journaling  Your Way Through Grief.  Here we were encouraged to let go of our inner critic, connect with our creative side and simply write.  A simple tip to get connected with your inner self is to write down a question with your dominant hand and then write your answer in the non-dominant hand.  Generally then our answer will come from our intuition, that inner self that knows the all our answers.  Journaling through grief is a process and having trust that it will take you where you want to go in discovery and healing.

We were introduced to Labyrinths, which are ancient patterns, thousands of years old and found all over the world. Labyrinth walking can provide a sense of calm that is conducive to meditation, self-exploration and prayer. For me walking the Labyrinth symbolized taking steps to move forward in my life.  For everyone else, their walking meant something equally as personal.

You can find Labyrinths all over the world,  check with your local church’s for more information or to learn more from our mentor Lisa Moriarty and Paths of Peace.

Grief retreats can offer the mourner a safe space to share their story, get support and find a place of hope among other who are on a similar journey.

I was humbled to be a companion to others on their grief journey, to witness their courage and strength in sharing their stories and the hope everyone shared when the weekend was over.  Yes, there was no going back, everyone was on a new path and through the tears, pain and heartbreak of loss it seemed just a little brighter when we left.

 

Remember you need other people to help you through your grief.  Grief retreats & other peer support groups are valuable despite the fact everyone grieves in different times and in different ways.  The support of others experiencing loss is powerful.  You are not alone.

Check out the resources page for a partial list of organizations that offer grief support.

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Lessons Learned Getting an Oil Change

Today I went to the auto dealership to get an oil change on my car and I sat next to woman who was waiting for the work on her car to be done.  Before too long an employee came over to the woman, he spoke with her about some repairs needed for her car.  After he walked away the woman turned to me and said, “my husband used to take care of this before he died” I nodded and said yes, so did mine.

It got me thinking about how anyone grieving a death not only grieves because the person is gone but because our lives have changed in so many ways.  We used to have spouses, parents, sons or daughters that we counted on to perform a variety of roles in our life.  We grieve for what was and what the future might have been.

We need to adjust our sails so to speak and find new ways of dealing with day to day living. Following the death of my husband I learned to ask for help. Well, I didn’t do it right away, no I needed to act the part of a victim for a little while and do everything myself until one day I just couldn’t keep up with all the tasks of our business and home.

I spoke to the woman next to me in the car dealership again asking if she had help  or support from family or friends?  She said that she did when necessary and went on the explain that she just made up her mind to learn to do some things on her own.  She walked away with her head up and a smile on her face…and so did I knowing that I too had learned to handle some things on my own.

Need Resources? click our resource page, put a call out in your church, community or here online in our forum.

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Grief Support Groups

Grief support comes in many forms including family, friends, church, organized grief groups, online grief support, online forums and blogs and grief coaching and professional therapy.

Healing does require support as you journey through the pain of your loss.  First, seek out those who you know will support, comfort and really be there for you.  Having those shoulders to cry on and the kindness of others to patiently listen will aid in your healing  journey.  Those who are genuinely caring and non-judgemental are best.   Sharing the pain doesn’t make it go away but the support of others makes the journey tolerable and knowing that life is worth living when others are there to strengthen and encourage us along.

Many people find comfort in their faith and talking with the pastor, minister or the like at their place of worship.

In most communities you will find support groups which are organized through church’s, hospitals, funeral homes, Hospice centers and even now through the Meet-Up organization (www.meet-up.com). I encourage anyone who is seeking more active listeners in a non-judgemental space who might not be receiving support through other means mentioned above to seek out a group in your area.

On-line grief support has grown dramatically in the past two years since I started this site.  There is a growing demand from people to connect on-line which is indicative of the explosion of social media.  Online grief support offers people immediate support from others who understand and are experiencing loss at the same time.  There is a quality of comfort in connecting with other who understand.  I will caution you however that at the same time you feel connected you can also feel isolated if you don’t seek comfort and support outside the online world.  Life is meant to be lived fully and that includes getting back involved in your business and social world prior to your loss.

Continue reading “Grief Support Groups” »

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How Friends Benefit The Stress of Death

I just read this great article about the study proving the physical and emotional benefits of friends and especially women who benefit from their girlfriend relationships. Be sure to pay attention to the paragraph that talks about how much better women do after the death of their spouse if they have support of their girlfriends, a confidant to help them through the difficult times.

JoAnne Funch

UCLA STUDY ON FRIENDSHIP AMONG WOMEN
By Gale Berkowitz

A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special.
They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our
tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and
help us remember who we really are. By the way, they may do even more.

Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can
actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us
experience on a daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women
respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to
make and maintain friendships with other women. It’s a stunning find
that has turned five decades of stress research—most of it on
men—upside down . “Until this study was published, scientists
generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a
hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee
as fast as possible,” explains Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an
Assistant Professor of Biobehavioral Health at Penn State University
and one of the study’s authors. “It’s an ancient survival mechanism
left over from the time we were chased across the planet by
saber-toothed tigers.

Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral
repertoire than just “fight or flight.” “In fact,” says Dr. Klein,”it
seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress
responses in a woman, it buffers the “fight or flight” response and
encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead.
When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies
suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress
and produces a calming effect. This calming response does not occur in
men”, says Dr. Klein, “because testosterone—which men produce in
high levels when they’re under stress—seems to reduce the effects of
oxytocin. Estrogen”, she adds, “seems to enhance it.”

The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was
made in a classic “aha!” moment shared by two women scientists who
were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. “There was this joke that when
the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned
the lab, had coffee, and bonded”, says Dr. Klein. “When the men were
stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own. I commented one day to
fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress
research is on males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the two
of us knew instantly that we were onto something.”

The women cleared their schedules and started meeting with one
scientist after another from various research specialties. Very
quickly, Drs. Klein and Taylor discovered that by not including women
in stress research, scientists had made a huge mistake: The fact that
women respond to stress differently than men has significant
implications for our health.

It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that
oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other
women, but the “tend and befriend” notion developed by Drs. Klein and
Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men. Study after
study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by
lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. “There’s no
doubt,” says Dr. Klein, “that friends are helping us live.” In one
study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends
increase d their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another
study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their
risk of death by more than 60%.

Friends are also helping us live better. The famed Nurses’ Health
Study from Harvard  Medical School found that the more friends women
had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they
aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In
fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that
not having close friends or confidantes was as detrimental to your
health as smoking or carrying extra weight! And that’s not all! When
the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the
death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this
biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend confidante
were more likely to survive the experience without any new physical
impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends were
not always so fortunate.

Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much
of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to
our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with them? That’s a
question that also troubles researcher Ruthellen Josselson, Ph.D.,
co-author of “Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls’ and
Women’s Friendships (Three Rivers Press, 1998). “Every time we get
overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of
friendships with other women,” explains Dr. Josselson.”We push them
right to the back burner. That’s really a mistake because women are
such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And
we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind
of talk that women do when they’re with other women. It’s a very
healing experience.”

Taylor, S. E., Klein, L.C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T. L., Gurung,
R. A. R., & Updegraff, J. A. Female Responses to Stress: Tend and
Befriend, Not Fight or Flight

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Support Groups for Widows

Today I attended a luncheon sponsored by a local Funeral Home and partner of the LIFT Program.  I wanted to see first hand what they offered to widows/widowers.   The program is a social support program that  provides monthly luncheons and various other outings and activities.  The benefits of the LIFT group and other social groups for widows and widowers are many;

1.  Provides a place to meet others who have lost their spouse, others who understand your loss.

2.  Provides support from feeling isolated and alone

3.  Opportunity to meet new friends

4.  Great way to participate in organized activities without feeling like the 3rd wheel (often those who have lost a spouse feel like the 3rd wheel with their friends that have spouses)

LIFT offers groups nationwide. you can click on this link to find one nearest you.

*My personal experience today was that the group was all seniors. That’s not to say all groups all the same so be sure to ask the organizer the ages of the attendees.

Remember, you don’t have to be alone.  If you can’t find a group in your area, contact me and I will try to help!

JoAnne

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Tips for Grief Support

Please don’t think you have to walk the journey of the grieving process alone…

1.  Ask for help if you feel isolated or alone. Reach out to your family, friends. Share with them how you are feeling.

2.  Reach out to your church, often you will find a grief support group within your church so ask.

3.  You can also locate a group near you through grief share.

4. Get back into a routine that brings some normalcy back into your life.

5. Stay connected to family & friends.  Meet for dinner or other activities outside the home.

6.  Feeling hopeful and laughing does not mean you are forgetting your loss, rather hope is a sign of healing.

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Gaining Support From A Church Family

This weekend I was able to travel back to my old neighborhood to attend the funeral of my neighbor Jim and to be there for his widow Louise during her time of sorrow.  It was an occasion really of family, friends and support of a whole church community and seeing that made me grateful to be apart.  Funerals can be a time of comfort, and of true support and respect.

I was particularly impressed with how the church community came together and supported one of their members by a attending the service and then bringing food over to my neighbors house for a gathering afterward.  Church family can bring great comfort and support to those after a death of a loved one.  Many church’s offer grief support groups so when looking for resources they can be as close as your community church.

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