Stages of Grief and Loss Change Over Time

By Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP , Author of When Every Day Matters (Simple Abundance Press)

How we feel about a person’s death changes over time.  I think it has everything to do with our relationship to that person and maybe even the age we are when we experience permanent loss.  I also think it has to do with accepting the mystery of death.  Sometimes the death of someone is so shattering in the beginning that we barely function.  Then, as time moves ahead, little-by-little, we begin to heal a little at a time depending on the intensity of the love we felt for the deceased.

Sometimes, however, our grief experience is in reverse and delayed as mine was in the case of my father who passed away I was thirteen years old.  Rarely talking about him it appeared on the outside that I was coping fine.  It wasn’t until my early 30’s in graduate school – while attending workshops to deal with unconscious elements – my long ago grief for my father was uncovered.  I discovered then how much pain and sorrow had been buried when he was layed to rest.  I learned then that just because my father was at peace didn’t mean I necessarily was.  I addressed then, consciously and seriously, my deep sadness and loss of him.  And, while a delayed grief process, the-better-late-than-never paradigm was applicable.

Continue reading “Stages of Grief and Loss Change Over Time” »

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What Can Faith Do to Heal Your Grief?

I talk with people about their losses all the time and it seems evident to me that more often than not it is ones faith that see’s them through their darkest, most difficult times.  Continue reading “What Can Faith Do to Heal Your Grief?” »

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Tips on Self-Care

Often when we are grieving a loss, we become so overcome in our sorrow that we neglect ourselves;

Please consider some of the following ideas;

1. Keep up on your normal appointments for hair care and nail care.  You may feel sad inside, but looking good does help go along way to helping you feel better.

2. If you can go one step beyond the hair and nail care, take time for a massage or reflexology. These are wonderful pampering services that help you relax and take a breath for an hour.

3. Go out for lunch and/or dinner. Getting out of the house for the change of scenery and letting someone else cook gives you an hour of relaxation.

4.  If someone offers help, please say YES.   Remember family, friends and neighbors  want to help you during this difficult time and if they can help mow your lawn, run errands, make a meal, help with finances or the car let them.

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When Life Happens – Hints For Surviving Traumatic Loss

Life happens to all of us, but have you noticed that some people come out of trials stronger, and some come out crushed? We can’t stop bad things from happening, but we do have some control over how we respond to them. I wasn’t much better at this than the next guy before my wife and son were murdered five years ago. But I have learned a few tricks.

In times of loss we need friends and family more than ever, to help us from feeling isolated and helpless. But the sad thing is, now people don’t know how to talk to you. They want to say the right thing, but don’t know what that is, and are afraid that they might make matters worse. Sometimes this indecision blocks them from saying anything, they get embarrassed and then start to avoid you, and isolation is your worst enemy. That isn’t what either of you want! Snip this in the bud and be proactive; send an email to everyone telling them that you know they don’t know what to say, and you don’t care; you just want them to call or drop by. Just being with you, knowing that they care is all you want. Put yourself in their shoes: isn’t that what you would want them to tell you if you were unsure what to do?

It is also important to realize that our bodies and minds are affected when we suffer a significant loss. At first I thought that something was really wrong with me because my memory got so bad. A friend who had lost her husband told me I just had what she called “Widow Brain”, and that it would get better in time. Although it is temporary, an emotional loss triggers physical changes to our brain cells that affect our mental processes. While this is very aggravating, it is also a blessing in disguise: God does this to slow us down so healing can take place. Imagine experiencing the full measure of significant loss without this numbing effect!

There are other physical consequences of loss as well. Grief and tension wear us out; we need more sleep. This is particularly hard because another characteristic of loss is that we are less efficient, so activities take longer. Accomplishing things takes on an added importance because it helps us think we are back in control of our life. Since we think we must get everything done it is very easy to steal time from our sleep. That is like a college student who stays up three days studying, and then fails because he sleeps through the exam. We must discipline ourselves to let some things go so that our rest is not lost. Most emotional healing takes place while we sleep.

How do we reconcile needing more rest, taking longer to get things done, and (as often happens within life’s hard times) handle the new problems that pop up as a result of the loss?

One thing we can do is accept help from those who offer it. When my wife and son died I had many friends and family ask what they could do to help. Everybody offered, but since I have never felt comfortable asking for help, I thought I was being courteous when I declined. But one of my wife’s best friends surprised me by stepping into my face, grabbing my shirt and shaking me.

“Kent! We are ALL hurting! It is your job to find something for us to do so we can feel like we are helping!”

I realized that there were many little jobs that others could do. The next Saturday I set up a work day, and the guys worked on the yard while the ladies gave my house a thorough cleaning. Then I made hamburgers and we all had a burger party. Friends want to help; they just don’t know what to do. Use your imagination!

Profound loss is not for the faint of heart, but we are stronger and more resilient than we think. Right now you may feel like you are drowning, but this will pass. With the help of friends, family, faith, and an understanding of how our bodies have been affected we can come out a victorious and stronger person. Trust me!

Kent Whitaker is a nationally recognized speaker and author, whose first book, [http://www.kent-whitaker.com/]Murder by Family, reached the New York Times Best Seller List. His story of faith and forgiveness has been featured on Oprah!, 48 Hours Mystery, and ABC’s Primetime. Visit his website at [http://www.Kent-Whitaker.com/]http://www.Kent-Whitaker.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Kent_Whitaker http://EzineArticles.com/?When-Life-Happens—Hints-For-Surviving-Traumatic-Loss&id=2036980

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Why Do Some People Heal Faster?

Did you ever why some people seem to walk the journey through grief and loss faster than you? Well, I say give that thought up because we all walk this journey in our own time. But the key is to fell the pain and keep moving forward with life. Oh, I know sometimes it feels like our life has stopped because of our loss, but remember in reality our life does not stop. We still have to forge forth into living life. I found that as I got back into a routine of work, household chores and even getting out socially I was able to heal and keep moving ahead. Don’t worry about how fast you heal, just be certain with each passing day that you will.

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