Grey’s Anatomy Faces Grief

I don’t know if you watched the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy last Thursday, if not I’m sure you can watch the replay online.

It was a wonderful episode on how individual the grieving process is for everyone.  Many of the characters went through disbelief, denial, anger and even laughter.  I don’t think the episode ended in acceptance because that takes time and my hope is that the series writers will continue to shine a light on the grief journey the characters will continue to experience and how their lives will be changed.

As you and I well know, this journey takes time and the experience isn’t the same for any of us.  Our grief  is different depending on the relationship we shared with the person who passed as well as other factors.  I bring up this episode because I am thrilled that grief was talked about so openly, and I hope it will encourage both the mourners and the supports to speak openly about death and the grieving process rather than sweep it under a carpet as our society is so quick to do.

Unfortunately our society in general wants us to buck up and get over it!   Isn’t it ironic that we give 6 to 8 weeks paid family leave following the birth of a child but in the case of a close family members death,  our employers might give us a couple of days off for a funeral , and  family leave often  leaves grievers out in the cold to deal with their grief on their own time.

If any of you watched the episode, would love to read your coments on how they handled the topic of grief.

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Grieving After A Long Term Illness

Losing a loved one after they have struggled with a long-term illness, can present the bereaved with unique grieving challenges.  Even before we lose our loved one we may deal with grieving issues, also known as Anticipatory Grief.

Anticipatory grief means that we are doing our grief work, even before our loved one has died.  This happens because we see our loved one changing, day by day.  They become less able to do the things they used to do and become more dependent upon us for help and self-care.  The loved one could be a husband, who was strong and protective and now, through the disease process, is left bed bound and dependent on his wife for bathing and toileting.  A wife may feel intense sadness, not because she has to perform these duties, but because she knows how it may make her husband feel, having to depend on her in this way.  We also may be grieving the secondary losses that come from these situations.

One of the many secondary losses we can experience is the loss of our loved one’s income.  Imagine having to run a household on one income, if it were a two income home, or no income at all now that the loved one is seriously ill and can no longer work.  One must still pay the regular bills, in addition to the many medical bills that are coming in while our loved one is still struggling with their illness.  Add to these stressors, the stressors of being a caregiver and you have the recipe for caregiver breakdown and anticipatory grief.

Once our loved one dies, we may feel a mix of emotions – sadness, relief, guilt and regret – to name just a few.  These are typical grief reactions, but as a caregiver of a loved one who suffered a long time with an illness, we may also find ourselves wondering, “What now?” Our lives were so enmeshed with the care of our loved one, that it may have been to the exclusion of all else in our lives.  I know many caregivers who gave up socializing, working, and family events to be able to care for their loved one 24/7.  Now they may find themselves alone in the home, with no one to look after, and their normally structured day is now completely free to do whatever they like.  But what is that?

Part of the grieving process is to find our “new normal.”  Who are we without our loved one? What do we do now without our loved one? What kind of future do we have without our loved one?  A bereaved caregiver may find themselves wandering around the home trying to figure out what they need to do.  Often they get up to give their loved one their medication only to remember they don’t need to worry about that anymore, and with a heavy sigh, sit back down.  Or go to the other room to check on their loved one to make sure they are ok and walk into an empty room with the realization that their life has changed forever.  When we do understand that we have freedom and allow ourselves to venture out, we may be plagued with unease or guilt.  It’s as if we’re not comfortable in this new skin.  We have forgotten how to do for ourselves, how to enjoy ourselves, how to live a life without schedules or structure.

As with any kind of griever, a grieving caregiver needs to be patient with themselves, gentle with themselves, give themselves time to heal, time to figure out what the next step is going to be.  One of the biggest challenges is practicing self-care.  As a caregiver for our loved one, we typically put off our own self-care because we just don’t have the luxury of time or money.  By the time our loved one dies, our immune system is shot and we may find ourselves dealing with our own health issues, on top of our grief.  It is imperative that we make time for ourselves every day.  Take the time to eat properly, to rest, to exercise, to meditate or pray, to read, to listen to music, to spend quality time with our family or friends again.  I say this is one of the biggest challenges because when we are grieving, self-care is something we really don’t want to do.  Most find it difficult in the first few weeks to get out of bed, or venture out of the house. However, if we don’t – we will pay a heavy price and if we have children, or other family members, they will pay the price as well.

A new griever finds it hard to believe that things will get better. But it does!  Each person grieves and recovers in their own unique way.  Some will take longer than others, but with each passing day, it gets a little better and we usually find that we are starting to put a plan together for our new future, for our “new normal.”

Diana Sebzda, MA, LPC, CT
http://dianasgriefsupport.blogspot.com

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Grief Through A Child’s Eyes

Often we hear grieving children referred to as the forgotten mourners. We don’t mean to neglect our children in grief, but as grieving adults our world is filled with making funeral arrangements, dealing with guests, submitting paperwork that follows a death, and trying to deal with our own grief on top of that.

Part of our grief process is to struggle with the fact that our loved one is never coming back, deciding whether we are ready to go back to work, trying to take care of basic family needs, house and yard responsibilities and dealing with our well meaning family and friends who think we need to get out more and want to cheer us up – when that’s the last thing we want to do.

So where does that leave our children? Do we have the time to answer their many questions surrounding the death? Do we have the patience to answer the same question that has been asked for the 15th time, or to gently extricate them as they cling to us while we’re trying to get into the bathroom? Being a grieving parent can be a big challenge. Maybe if we knew more about what our children were thinking and why they were behaving a certain way, it would help us to support them better in their grief.

We do know that very young children do not have the ability to think of death as permanent. This is why a parent might hear questions like, “When will they come back?” or “What is dead?” Or sometimes we may hear statements like, “When they’re done playing in heaven, they’ll come back.” or “My mom is coming back tomorrow.” How we talk to our children about death and dying is instrumental in the understanding they will have about their own personal loss experience. “Teachable moments” are great for these types of discussions. Take advantage of the opportunity when finding a dead bird or animal in the yard. Have the discussion about what it means to “be dead.” They need to know that people don’t “come back from being dead.” Let them know that when a person dies, their body doesn’t feel anymore, it doesn’t get hungry anymore, it doesn’t need sleep anymore. Depending on religious/cultural beliefs we can describe the “soul” as leaving the body to go to heaven, or wherever, and that the body can be considered like an empty shell. Like when a hermit crab leaves one shell for a different shell. Keep the explanations/answers simple and concrete.

We also know that children can developmentally regress – temporarily. So a seven-year-old may want to be held like a baby again, or start drinking from a bottle, or wet his bed, or become clingy and not want us out of his sight. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense to do this. When we were babies, everything was great. Our every need was taken care of. Our parents were always available and always kept us safe. We didn’t have a care in the world. One child explained to me that she liked being rocked to sleep and drinking from a bottle because it reminded her of being a baby and she liked that. When I asked what the best part of being a baby was, she responded, “I didn’t have to think about sad things when I was a baby.” Yes, life was good back then. The clinginess develops from a fear that if one family member died, who’s to say that another family isn’t going to die? So they are going to hold tight to us and never let us out of their sight. EVER! So parents have to deal with trying to go to the bathroom or take showers – privately, or trying to get the child to school or letting the parent leave for work. These situations produce some heavy battles in the home. But knowing why their behavior is occurring can be helpful in figuring out how to deal with it. The best intervention is constant reassurance, structure and consistency. Their little world has been rocked and it’s just going to take some time for them to calm down and learn to relax again, and to trust again. But parents, take heart – this is just temporary! Patience and consistency is called for here.

Finally, we know that children have imagination and “magical thinking,” but it doesn’t always have a good outcome. It is very common for children to think they had something to do with the loved one’s death. If they were a better child, if they didn’t argue, if they would have finished their dinner, if they didn’t yell “I hate you. I wish you were dead” – the loved one would still be here. This can be a very closely guarded secret in a child for fear they will be judged a bad person, or that they did indeed cause their loved one’s death. It may take a professional to tease this out of them, but once it’s out in the open we can let the children know that it wasn’t their fault. Again, we just need patience and consistency – we need to repeat the same thing over and over again to reassure the child.

Not all children see grief and loss the same way, but if we try to put ourselves in the child’s place – knowing what we know now – and ask ourselves, “Why is this child behaving this way?”, we might be able to get the answer and know how to best support our children in their grief – which will help us in our grief.

Diana Sebzda, MA, LPC, CT
http://dianasgriefsupport.blogspot.com

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The Anguish of Sudden Death

The anguish of someone you love dying suddenly is one of those things you just can’t imagine will ever happen to you.  I couldn’t have imagined it either until it happened to me.  The moment still remains so surreal.  My husband and I owned a business together and were working in our building like we did everyday.   This particular day he was on a ladder installing some electrical conduit onto a wall when he fell from the ladder onto the concrete floor.  In that instant my life was forever changed.  I ran to him as soon as I heard the crash and I saw him lying on the floor unconscious and bleeding.  I had an employee call 911 as I held him in my arms for what seemed an eternity.  He regained conciseness and started to break away from my hold, I had no idea the extent of his injuries and thought I should try to keep him as immobile as possible until the ambulance arrived.  He was rushed to the hospital where he remained comatose for seven days in the intensive care unit until he died.  During that week as I sat by his bedside in my daily vigil, I talked to him with a certainty that I was sure he could hear me. I begged him to wake up, to come home and that we needed him.  I found myself making a pact with God to please let him wake up and be well and I would be repentant forever after.  I guess God had other plans.

Sudden death leaves you numb.  I never got to say good bye, I so desperately wanted to hear his voice one more time.  I wanted to feel his hands touch my face and hold my hand. I wanted to take back every cross word I ever used, I wanted to have one more day, just one more day.

Losing someone you love so quickly is a heartache of unbearable proportion. I recall feeling numb for days and weeks that followed. My life was forever changed and I hadn’t made plans to accommodate that change.  We make plans for our lives in so many areas from raising the children and planning their education to the short and long term planning of our personal and professional goals.  We did not have a plan for sudden death, we had no life insurance, and we had no back up “what if” plan.

The journey through grief was hard, I questioned the meaning of life, my faith and of whom I would become.  My self-identity as a wife had changed, how I was once defined was now different. I was now a widow. I did not sign up for this role and did not embrace it easily.

There were lessons learned from my journey. I did learn to be compassionate to myself and all the feelings I encountered.  I learned to go with the flow of the day and not judge myself so harshly. I eventually faced the reality of my husband’s death, embraced the pain and found hope for my future.  Most days now are good days, memories are sweet and oh so precious and life is a gift I do not take for granted.

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How Pets Help the grieving process

Statistics have shown that people who have a pet to care for live longer and have fewer health problems.   It is a way to support your mental health and pets are more loving than a therapist! (now all the therapists will email me, but you know what I mean)

I have a cat who has been with me since my husband died and she has been a surprisingly wonderful companion.  She is more attentive and loving than I had imagined. Somehow instinctively she senses when I need her warm touch, and she will come and sit on my lap.

Have you visited  a pet store lately?  If not,  you might be surprised at the wide array  of animals you can have as pets. Perhaps you aren’t a dog or cat person; consider having a rabbit, a hamster, or a fish.  A pet provides companionship and someone to talk to. (Pets are excellent listeners.) Choose a pet that fits your lifestyle because pets are a responsibility-, but are usually worth the effort and you will find them great healers on your journey through the grieving process. You might also consider visiting your local animal shelter or dog pound. They are always looking for loving homes for their animals.

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Inspiration & Hope

There are many lessons I have learned through loss, and I am coming to understand now that I probably knew these lessons all along, in other words they were within me, my core, who I am. However it took the tragedy of loss for me to remember those lessons and have the courage to take action and affirm how precious life is. I am not here to dwell on loss but rather support you in life.

Healing a broken heart can be done with time, courage and the desire to heal. Going through the grieving process and healing comes from within but we are not meant to walk the journey alone. Asking for the support of family and friends is necessary and perhaps spiritual healing from clergy or any spiritual advisor. From whomever gives you comfort, they too will help you to living life again.

Loss can bring clarity to your life and to the things that matter most, don’t ignore that. There is no going back for a do over, but there is another day to live a life of joy. Take each day as it comes, be grateful for where you are and what you have NOW, and be open to new possibilities. You can’t change the past, but you can direct the wind in your sails for the future.

For an inspirational read about the true value of living life, Please take the time to read - “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
–Randy Pausch

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Miracles in the grieving process

Each day miracles are operating around us and within our lives, even during the grieving process.  When we are most in need and we are open to receive they will appear. Allow your needs to be heard by the universe today and awaken a sacred invitation for a miracle.  This will allow you to receive and be open to love, hope, inspiration along your journey through the grieving process.

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Loneliness

The loneliness of loss can be one of the most painful of the emotions you will feel during the grieving process. I know for myself and for my Dad, after the loss of our spouse the evenings are particularly a lonely time because it’s the end of the day and the time you usually settled in for dinner and an evening with your spouse.  You might want to find something to do once or twice a week to break up the evening loneliness even if it is dinner at a friends or and evening playing cards with a local group.

Divorced people suffer the loneliness of loss just as much as a death, because it is a death or sorts. The end of a marriage can signify a great loss for many people and that feeling of loss, loneliness and despair are the same.

I encourage you to seek comfort from friends, family and if you are religious from your church. 

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Grief is not meant to be rushed

Sometimes people try to help by rushing you out of the grieving process back into the main stream of what your life was. People sometimes even say words like “You need to get back into life” but your life is forever changed by the transition of loss. The length of the grieving process is different for each person, and you know the grieving process needs to take place for healing to begin. This is not to say one should grieve forever and not move on with life, but grieve in your own way and while the healing takes place you will move on in your own pace. Life does go on and you will too in time.

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Grief Is More Difficult Than You Think

The hardest time to have to learn about grief is when you’re in the middle of it. This is when we are taking a crash course in learning how to feel and what to do, but I discovered there is no course you can take because grief is a journey none of us knows until we reach it. The grieving process is just that path we must take that will eventually get us to the other side of acceptance and joy. Until then, be gentle with yourself and take one day at a time. Oh, being in the moment with one day at a time is a whole lot easier than looking and feeling something beyond that, try it because it does work.

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