Sandy & Ken Gambone

1.  Be compassionate with yourself.

All feelings are OK and valid. You feel what you feel. You may feel anger, guilt, regret and many others, even relief about something. It’s all OK. It does not mean you did not love them, it means you are human.

2.  Feel what you feel.

I don’t always do this, but the times that I have, I’ve realized the truth in the advice of really feeling your feelings. This helps them to move (feelings are energy) and it helps you realize that you are not your feelings.

One night I was in a place of deep despair over Ken’s death – I actually felt physical pain in my heart – and I sat and felt the pain. I did not judge it or try to describe it or explain it to myself, just felt it inside my body, and after not too long it dissipated. I felt lighter and freer. Sometimes I think we are afraid to feel the grief, or fear or anger or whatever. But if we do sit with it and truly feel it, then it can be released.

3.  You will have ups and downs.

I was feeling better, and then the 6-month anniversary was approaching. I had what is called anticipatory grief. I dreaded that upcoming day and felt very sad. Yet when the day arrived, it wasn’t as bad as I’d feared. I actually felt some peace and calm.

As of this writing, I am at the 7-month  anniversary of Ken’s death and have felt sad and not so sad and OK. back and forth, as the day goes on.

There are many triggers for sadness. I passed a man in a car who looked like Ken and tears came to my eyes, even though I’d felt fine for days. I don’t listen to love songs, as they make me sad. I went to a wedding this past weekend, and thought about the ‘what might have been’ during the ceremony.

4.  Realize that others may not understand how you feel and may not understand why you are not ‘over it yet.

Grief takes time. There is no timetable. Everyone goes at their own pace. Give yourself the time that you need. Spend time alone when you need to. It’s OK to decline invitations you may have otherwise accepted. It’s OK not to feel up to driving somewhere (I’ve run into this a few times).

One of the women in my support group has a friend who is a widow who told her that unless someone has been through it, they cannot understand. I have found that of my friends, a woman who has been a widow for 20 years is the one I feel most at ease talking to. Another friend told me that she does not know what I am going through and is not sure how to best support me. I found that honesty so refreshing and I love her dearly for saying it.

A couple of people have commented on my ‘coming out of it’ or ‘How is your grieving process going?’ I mostly let the comments slide off of me and don’t say much to them. I know it will ebb and flow and there is no ‘getting over it’. It will always be with me, become a part of who I am. I am surviving and in some ways thriving. In other parts of my life, not so much yet. I do not judge myself, I will get there.

5.  Talking with others who do understand and writing about it helps.

I attend a support group for those who have lost a loved one to suicide held by the suicide prevention organization Samaritans. It is called Safe Place. And it is. It is comforting to be with those that have been through the same thing, who understand the extra layer that suicide adds to a death. There are women who have lost husbands of 40 years, parents who have lost only sons, those who have lost siblings, a man who lost his mother, and those like me, who lost a boyfriend.

It is not therapy, exactly, but it is being with others who are going through the ‘If only’, the ‘what if’, the regrets that this kind of death brings up so strongly. And I find that helps me immensely. It doesn’t matter how long it has been since the death, it is a group that you can discuss the issues with, people with whom you don’t feel like you have to act fine around because you wonder if they are tiring of hearing about it.

Writing has helped me, also, as I don’t have a lot of people I am close to that I feel I can talk about my grieving process. I found writing in my journal helped me to sort through my feelings and to get them out.

6.  Honoring their memory

I need to talk to Ken and have his picture around where I can see him often. Most of the people in my support group said they could not bear to have pictures around, or had them in only one room that they didn’t go in all the time. I even have a picture of Ken and I as my computer wallpaper and I say Hi to him every time my computer boots up. A couple of those in my support group had a voicemail that they liked to listen to and keep saving it so it won’t get deleted. This is all a personal thing and there is no right or wrong choice. Do what feels right in your heart for you. I have some recordings from when Ken had his own radio talk show and I have listened to a few of those and I enjoy hearing his voice. One from several years ago mentioned a former girlfriend, so I won’t be listening to that one again.

I am doing a 5K walk put on by the suicide prevention organization, the Samaritans, in a couple of weeks. I feel that Ken would be proud to have some of us walking in his name for a great cause, even if he never and never would have contacted them for help.

I had a reading with a medium and was told that Ken wanted me to remember him how he is now more than how he was. Now he is radiating light like a sun. So I looked for and bought a necklace of a sun, with the center a dome of amber, and I bought a wind chime with a sun on the top. I wear the necklace often and tell some people what it represents to me.

As I said, I talk to Ken often. Sometimes I sense he answers me, mostly I just want to say Hi and to tell him I love him and to send him love. During the reading with the medium Ken talked about him not seeing his own light when he was alive, but that I did. He wanted me to share that when people die from suicide their loved ones often focus on the pain their loved one must have felt in order to take their own life. He said this doesn’t help their soul and that we need to send them love. I had been doing that since he died (I had read years ago something about it) and he said it really helped him. So, I want to let others know that no matter how your loved one died, send them love, as it helps their soul on the other side.

**Thanks  Sandy  for submitting such helpful tips. Please share your comments about these tips  in the box below.

Would you give the same tips as Sandy or can you share your experience in the comments section below.

If you want to submit a story for the Heartache To Healing site, you can learn more by clicking here.

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It was a wonderful episode on how individual the grieving process is for everyone.  Many of the characters went through disbelief, denial, anger and even laughter.  I don’t think the episode ended in acceptance because that takes time and my hope is that the series writers will continue to shine a light on the grief journey the characters will continue to experience and how their lives will be changed.

As you and I well know, this journey takes time and the experience isn’t the same for any of us.  Our grief  is different depending on the relationship we shared with the person who passed as well as other factors.  I bring up this episode because I am thrilled that grief was talked about so openly, and I hope it will encourage both the mourners and the supports to speak openly about death and the grieving process rather than sweep it under a carpet as our society is so quick to do.

Unfortunately our society in general wants us to buck up and get over it!   Isn’t it ironic that we give 6 to 8 weeks paid family leave following the birth of a child but in the case of a close family members death,  our employers might give us a couple of days off for a funeral , and  family leave often  leaves grievers out in the cold to deal with their grief on their own time.

If any of you watched the episode, would love to read your coments on how they handled the topic of grief.

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Anticipatory grief means that we are doing our grief work, even before our loved one has died.  This happens because we see our loved one changing, day by day.  They become less able to do the things they used to do and become more dependent upon us for help and self-care.  The loved one could be a husband, who was strong and protective and now, through the disease process, is left bed bound and dependent on his wife for bathing and toileting.  A wife may feel intense sadness, not because she has to perform these duties, but because she knows how it may make her husband feel, having to depend on her in this way.  We also may be grieving the secondary losses that come from these situations.

One of the many secondary losses we can experience is the loss of our loved one’s income.  Imagine having to run a household on one income, if it were a two income home, or no income at all now that the loved one is seriously ill and can no longer work.  One must still pay the regular bills, in addition to the many medical bills that are coming in while our loved one is still struggling with their illness.  Add to these stressors, the stressors of being a caregiver and you have the recipe for caregiver breakdown and anticipatory grief.

Once our loved one dies, we may feel a mix of emotions – sadness, relief, guilt and regret – to name just a few.  These are typical grief reactions, but as a caregiver of a loved one who suffered a long time with an illness, we may also find ourselves wondering, “What now?” Our lives were so enmeshed with the care of our loved one, that it may have been to the exclusion of all else in our lives.  I know many caregivers who gave up socializing, working, and family events to be able to care for their loved one 24/7.  Now they may find themselves alone in the home, with no one to look after, and their normally structured day is now completely free to do whatever they like.  But what is that?

Part of the grieving process is to find our “new normal.”  Who are we without our loved one? What do we do now without our loved one? What kind of future do we have without our loved one?  A bereaved caregiver may find themselves wandering around the home trying to figure out what they need to do.  Often they get up to give their loved one their medication only to remember they don’t need to worry about that anymore, and with a heavy sigh, sit back down.  Or go to the other room to check on their loved one to make sure they are ok and walk into an empty room with the realization that their life has changed forever.  When we do understand that we have freedom and allow ourselves to venture out, we may be plagued with unease or guilt.  It’s as if we’re not comfortable in this new skin.  We have forgotten how to do for ourselves, how to enjoy ourselves, how to live a life without schedules or structure.

As with any kind of griever, a grieving caregiver needs to be patient with themselves, gentle with themselves, give themselves time to heal, time to figure out what the next step is going to be.  One of the biggest challenges is practicing self-care.  As a caregiver for our loved one, we typically put off our own self-care because we just don’t have the luxury of time or money.  By the time our loved one dies, our immune system is shot and we may find ourselves dealing with our own health issues, on top of our grief.  It is imperative that we make time for ourselves every day.  Take the time to eat properly, to rest, to exercise, to meditate or pray, to read, to listen to music, to spend quality time with our family or friends again.  I say this is one of the biggest challenges because when we are grieving, self-care is something we really don’t want to do.  Most find it difficult in the first few weeks to get out of bed, or venture out of the house. However, if we don’t – we will pay a heavy price and if we have children, or other family members, they will pay the price as well.

A new griever finds it hard to believe that things will get better. But it does!  Each person grieves and recovers in their own unique way.  Some will take longer than others, but with each passing day, it gets a little better and we usually find that we are starting to put a plan together for our new future, for our “new normal.”

Diana Sebzda, MA, LPC, CT
http://dianasgriefsupport.blogspot.com

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Part of our grief process is to struggle with the fact that our loved one is never coming back, deciding whether we are ready to go back to work, trying to take care of basic family needs, house and yard responsibilities and dealing with our well meaning family and friends who think we need to get out more and want to cheer us up – when that’s the last thing we want to do.

So where does that leave our children? Do we have the time to answer their many questions surrounding the death? Do we have the patience to answer the same question that has been asked for the 15th time, or to gently extricate them as they cling to us while we’re trying to get into the bathroom? Being a grieving parent can be a big challenge. Maybe if we knew more about what our children were thinking and why they were behaving a certain way, it would help us to support them better in their grief.

We do know that very young children do not have the ability to think of death as permanent. This is why a parent might hear questions like, “When will they come back?” or “What is dead?” Or sometimes we may hear statements like, “When they’re done playing in heaven, they’ll come back.” or “My mom is coming back tomorrow.” How we talk to our children about death and dying is instrumental in the understanding they will have about their own personal loss experience. “Teachable moments” are great for these types of discussions. Take advantage of the opportunity when finding a dead bird or animal in the yard. Have the discussion about what it means to “be dead.” They need to know that people don’t “come back from being dead.” Let them know that when a person dies, their body doesn’t feel anymore, it doesn’t get hungry anymore, it doesn’t need sleep anymore. Depending on religious/cultural beliefs we can describe the “soul” as leaving the body to go to heaven, or wherever, and that the body can be considered like an empty shell. Like when a hermit crab leaves one shell for a different shell. Keep the explanations/answers simple and concrete.

We also know that children can developmentally regress – temporarily. So a seven-year-old may want to be held like a baby again, or start drinking from a bottle, or wet his bed, or become clingy and not want us out of his sight. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense to do this. When we were babies, everything was great. Our every need was taken care of. Our parents were always available and always kept us safe. We didn’t have a care in the world. One child explained to me that she liked being rocked to sleep and drinking from a bottle because it reminded her of being a baby and she liked that. When I asked what the best part of being a baby was, she responded, “I didn’t have to think about sad things when I was a baby.” Yes, life was good back then. The clinginess develops from a fear that if one family member died, who’s to say that another family isn’t going to die? So they are going to hold tight to us and never let us out of their sight. EVER! So parents have to deal with trying to go to the bathroom or take showers – privately, or trying to get the child to school or letting the parent leave for work. These situations produce some heavy battles in the home. But knowing why their behavior is occurring can be helpful in figuring out how to deal with it. The best intervention is constant reassurance, structure and consistency. Their little world has been rocked and it’s just going to take some time for them to calm down and learn to relax again, and to trust again. But parents, take heart – this is just temporary! Patience and consistency is called for here.

Finally, we know that children have imagination and “magical thinking,” but it doesn’t always have a good outcome. It is very common for children to think they had something to do with the loved one’s death. If they were a better child, if they didn’t argue, if they would have finished their dinner, if they didn’t yell “I hate you. I wish you were dead” – the loved one would still be here. This can be a very closely guarded secret in a child for fear they will be judged a bad person, or that they did indeed cause their loved one’s death. It may take a professional to tease this out of them, but once it’s out in the open we can let the children know that it wasn’t their fault. Again, we just need patience and consistency – we need to repeat the same thing over and over again to reassure the child.

Not all children see grief and loss the same way, but if we try to put ourselves in the child’s place – knowing what we know now – and ask ourselves, “Why is this child behaving this way?”, we might be able to get the answer and know how to best support our children in their grief – which will help us in our grief.

Diana Sebzda, MA, LPC, CT
http://dianasgriefsupport.blogspot.com

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Sudden death leaves you numb.  I never got to say good bye, I so desperately wanted to hear his voice one more time.  I wanted to feel his hands touch my face and hold my hand. I wanted to take back every cross word I ever used, I wanted to have one more day, just one more day.

Losing someone you love so quickly is a heartache of unbearable proportion. I recall feeling numb for days and weeks that followed. My life was forever changed and I hadn’t made plans to accommodate that change.  We make plans for our lives in so many areas from raising the children and planning their education to the short and long term planning of our personal and professional goals.  We did not have a plan for sudden death, we had no life insurance, and we had no back up “what if” plan.

The journey through grief was hard, I questioned the meaning of life, my faith and of whom I would become.  My self-identity as a wife had changed, how I was once defined was now different. I was now a widow. I did not sign up for this role and did not embrace it easily.

There were lessons learned from my journey. I did learn to be compassionate to myself and all the feelings I encountered.  I learned to go with the flow of the day and not judge myself so harshly. I eventually faced the reality of my husband’s death, embraced the pain and found hope for my future.  Most days now are good days, memories are sweet and oh so precious and life is a gift I do not take for granted.

Myself & late husband Allan

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I have a cat who has been with me since my husband died and she has been a surprisingly wonderful companion.  She is more attentive and loving than I had imagined. Somehow instinctively she senses when I need her warm touch, and she will come and sit on my lap.

Have you visited  a pet store lately?  If not,  you might be surprised at the wide array  of animals you can have as pets. Perhaps you aren’t a dog or cat person; consider having a rabbit, a hamster, or a fish.  A pet provides companionship and someone to talk to. (Pets are excellent listeners.) Choose a pet that fits your lifestyle because pets are a responsibility-, but are usually worth the effort and you will find them great healers on your journey through the grieving process. You might also consider visiting your local animal shelter or dog pound. They are always looking for loving homes for their animals.

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Healing a broken heart can be done with time, courage and the desire to heal. Going through the grieving process and healing comes from within but we are not meant to walk the journey alone. Asking for the support of family and friends is necessary and perhaps spiritual healing from clergy or any spiritual advisor. From whomever gives you comfort, they too will help you to living life again.

Loss can bring clarity to your life and to the things that matter most, don’t ignore that. There is no going back for a do over, but there is another day to live a life of joy. Take each day as it comes, be grateful for where you are and what you have NOW, and be open to new possibilities. You can’t change the past, but you can direct the wind in your sails for the future.

For an inspirational read about the true value of living life, Please take the time to read - “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch

“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.”
–Randy Pausch

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Divorced people suffer the loneliness of loss just as much as a death, because it is a death or sorts. The end of a marriage can signify a great loss for many people and that feeling of loss, loneliness and despair are the same.

I encourage you to seek comfort from friends, family and if you are religious from your church. 

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