Giving Grief Its Due

Just days before my fiftieth birthday last  April, my beloved dog Tanner became gravely ill. He was diagnosed with a rare, terminal condition and died in June.

My friend Suzy helped me bury Tanner in my backyard, right by some special lilies I’d planted in memory of my husband. Adam also had died of a rare illness, a relatively rare bone marrow cancer called Waldenstrom’s Macroglobulinemia, in May 2003.

In between losing Adam and Tanner, I lost my mother, as well, to complications from strokes she suffered at a family reunion on a beach in Maine in August 2005.

With three major deaths in five years, my grief has been profound. Sometimes it seems endless. And because these deaths occurred in such a relatively short stretch of time, just as the pain was beginning to soften from one loss, the next loved one died.

Yet for all the sorrow that has been telescoped into these last few years, I’ve come to appreciate the wisdom of giving grief its due.

Grieving takes time. Grieving takes energy. Grieving takes courage.

I have been amazed at grief’s power to affect every part of my being-physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

In early grief, an extreme fatigue wraps around me like a blanket I cannot throw off.  Some days, I crawl right back into bed after having just eaten breakfast.

Sleep doesn’t necessarily bring respite. The tears flow even then. And my loss seems even louder as evening comes and the quiet magnifies the emptiness.

The simplest chores take Herculean effort. The figures in my checkbook just won’t balance. Items I never misplace disappear into thin air. My words sputter and stop mid-sentence.

“Grief takes up a lot of space in my head,” I try to explain to friends.  It’s the only way to depict how my brain wrestles with a reality so devastating that it seems incomprehensible-that my loved one no longer breathes on this earth.

And my heart? Who knew it could break so many times and so sharply and into so many pieces? And that emotional pain creates a fatigue that surpasses my extreme physical exhaustion.

Contrary to popular myths, I don’t “get over” my grief in a week or two, after a month, or even following a year of first anniversaries.

But thanks to hospice bereavement groups, some wonderful books and friends who’ve walked through loss ahead of me, I’ve learned to live with grief as best as I can. I slog through it, in fits and starts, in bewilderment and clarity, in sorrow and in grace.

It is a much longer, harder process than popular modern culture would have us believe. It feels that as a society, we’ve lost touch with the wisdom and rituals and reality of death that our ancestors understood.

The difficult truth is that the healing comes through the grieving. The respite after the tears. My laughter is jumbled in with my sorrow. The same poignant memories that stab with heart-aching longing also hold the warm, soothing comfort that eventually flows.

Gradually, very gradually, over months and years, the gratitude for the life we shared takes up more space than the grief. It is hard work to heal. Personally, I don’t “get over” my loss. Why would I want to get over a love so sweet and maddening and dear?

I do, however, learn to live with the loss, to move forward in my life, in what friends call a “new normal.” And I’m let in on one of humankind’s deepest and, in this culture’s, often unspoken truths:  facing death changes life forever. How often we forget this reality. Yet how differently we might live, and treat others, when we remember.

Helene J. Powers, a freelance writer and educational consultant who lives in Florence, MA, contributes frequently to www.fiftyshift..com, where this essay first appeared.  She can be reached at hjpowers@verizon.net.

Share on Facebook

Grieving After A Long Term Illness

Losing a loved one after they have struggled with a long-term illness, can present the bereaved with unique grieving challenges.  Even before we lose our loved one we may deal with grieving issues, also known as Anticipatory Grief.

Anticipatory grief means that we are doing our grief work, even before our loved one has died.  This happens because we see our loved one changing, day by day.  They become less able to do the things they used to do and become more dependent upon us for help and self-care.  The loved one could be a husband, who was strong and protective and now, through the disease process, is left bed bound and dependent on his wife for bathing and toileting.  A wife may feel intense sadness, not because she has to perform these duties, but because she knows how it may make her husband feel, having to depend on her in this way.  We also may be grieving the secondary losses that come from these situations.

One of the many secondary losses we can experience is the loss of our loved one’s income.  Imagine having to run a household on one income, if it were a two income home, or no income at all now that the loved one is seriously ill and can no longer work.  One must still pay the regular bills, in addition to the many medical bills that are coming in while our loved one is still struggling with their illness.  Add to these stressors, the stressors of being a caregiver and you have the recipe for caregiver breakdown and anticipatory grief.

Once our loved one dies, we may feel a mix of emotions – sadness, relief, guilt and regret – to name just a few.  These are typical grief reactions, but as a caregiver of a loved one who suffered a long time with an illness, we may also find ourselves wondering, “What now?” Our lives were so enmeshed with the care of our loved one, that it may have been to the exclusion of all else in our lives.  I know many caregivers who gave up socializing, working, and family events to be able to care for their loved one 24/7.  Now they may find themselves alone in the home, with no one to look after, and their normally structured day is now completely free to do whatever they like.  But what is that?

Part of the grieving process is to find our “new normal.”  Who are we without our loved one? What do we do now without our loved one? What kind of future do we have without our loved one?  A bereaved caregiver may find themselves wandering around the home trying to figure out what they need to do.  Often they get up to give their loved one their medication only to remember they don’t need to worry about that anymore, and with a heavy sigh, sit back down.  Or go to the other room to check on their loved one to make sure they are ok and walk into an empty room with the realization that their life has changed forever.  When we do understand that we have freedom and allow ourselves to venture out, we may be plagued with unease or guilt.  It’s as if we’re not comfortable in this new skin.  We have forgotten how to do for ourselves, how to enjoy ourselves, how to live a life without schedules or structure.

As with any kind of griever, a grieving caregiver needs to be patient with themselves, gentle with themselves, give themselves time to heal, time to figure out what the next step is going to be.  One of the biggest challenges is practicing self-care.  As a caregiver for our loved one, we typically put off our own self-care because we just don’t have the luxury of time or money.  By the time our loved one dies, our immune system is shot and we may find ourselves dealing with our own health issues, on top of our grief.  It is imperative that we make time for ourselves every day.  Take the time to eat properly, to rest, to exercise, to meditate or pray, to read, to listen to music, to spend quality time with our family or friends again.  I say this is one of the biggest challenges because when we are grieving, self-care is something we really don’t want to do.  Most find it difficult in the first few weeks to get out of bed, or venture out of the house. However, if we don’t – we will pay a heavy price and if we have children, or other family members, they will pay the price as well.

A new griever finds it hard to believe that things will get better. But it does!  Each person grieves and recovers in their own unique way.  Some will take longer than others, but with each passing day, it gets a little better and we usually find that we are starting to put a plan together for our new future, for our “new normal.”

Diana Sebzda, MA, LPC, CT
http://dianasgriefsupport.blogspot.com

Share on Facebook

Choose Words That Comfort Grief

When you talk to someone who is grieving, words often don’t come, you don’t know what to say. But remember that the one who is grieving does want to hear from you. May I suggest you don’t ask questions like, “How Are You Doing?” because when your logical mind thinks about that question, how do you think someone would be doing who just lost a loved one? Rather, ask a more specific question like, “Can I help with anything around the house this week?” or “I’m sure you are overwhelmed right now, but I will check on you again next week” and be sure that you do follow-up. To speak to someone immediately following a death a better statement might be, “I can’t imagine the sorrow you are feeling right now, but know that I am here whenever you need support”

Another suggestion is, don’t assume someone else is going to step in and help, because if everyone thinks that way the one grieving will have little to no support. Amazingly once the funeral is over, people move on except those grieving, that is the time when support is needed most. Also don’t be afraid to ask how you can help and sometime it might require a gentle push, but the effort and support will never be forgotten.

Any other suggestions are welcomed, please comment below or email me at; joanne@heartachetohealing.com

My Book, “I Don’t Know What To Say” is a wonderful reference for every family, because we all face death at sometime.

CLICK HERE TO ORDER YOUR COPY

Share on Facebook

The American Widow Project

Last week I had the honor of speaking with  Taryn Davis, founder of  the American Widow Project and her partner Nicole Hart.  These two women amidst the grief of losing their husbands  in the Iraq war, have become dedicated to support the new generation of widows – that of the military widow.  They want other military widows to know they are not alone so Taryn produced a documentary DVD about the journey of six military widows, their struggles and sorrow and is FREE of charge to all military widows simply by sending a request to their website.  Anyone else can purchase the DVD for a small donation. Their goal is to have the military distribute a DVD in each packet given to the widow after the soldiers death, this way the widow will immediately know she is not alone.

These women have a beautiful RV with the names of all the fallen soldiers from Iraq and Afghanistan.  Nicole told me this to “honor the fallen, the heros, not to make a head count of war, this represents the life behind each name as well as the survivor behind each name” They plan on making a trip from the west coast to Washington DC where they plan to be on Memorial Day 2009.  They will be stopping at military bases along the way to talk with other widows and share the DVD.  They need our help to make this journey, so I encourage you to DONATE today and help these brave women reach out to those who are grieving a loss.

At the age of 23, these young women are wise beyond their years. Taryn said to me “we all understand that grief is universal even if you are not a military widow”and they wanted to share a few tips on healing they have learned;

1.  FOLLOW YOUR HEART – said Taryn, do what you think is right and not what others think might be best for you or how other think you should feel.

2. HOLD TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE – said Taryn, don’t think what I tell you about grief is what you should do. We’re all different.

3.  HOLD ON – said Nicole, when people tell you to let go or move on, it’s OK to hold on to memories. Those memories helped her through this journey called grief.

4. ONE DAY AT A TIME – said Nicole, to concentrate on today only helped. Don’t try to think about next week, rather take each day as it comes.

Their mission is not to tell people how to grieve but to talk and share stories but most of all to comfort and let these widows know they are not alone, that’s true Heartache To Healing. Taryn told me someone once said, “Its not so much about the road you take it’s how you take it.”  I think that’s awfully profound.

I humbly thank Michael Davis and David Hart who gave their lives for liberty, for freedom and for the United States of America.

Share on Facebook

Why do we regress during the holidays?

Holiday time is all about regression, we think alot about the past, what was and those loved ones no longer here that we celebrated the holidays with, this is why holiday time can be so difficult.

Family will often stop you from grieving during this time because they don’t want you to be sad so they won’t bring up the loved one that died. So often times its easier  to be with friends who will let you talk about the great times you had with your deceased loved one. Talking is a part of grieving and just know that especially during the holiday season you moods might wave up and down because you should feel a longing for the ones that are no longer with you.  Just  know you will get through this time of year and you will even laugh and find joy.  You might even feel guilt for being happy instead of being grief ridden – many people experience this too.  Just know you will get through the holiday season as long as you feel hope and love from those you surround yourself with.

Wishing each one of you much joy during this holiday season.

in love & hope,  JoAnne

Share on Facebook