Thoughts on Change

This week while riding my bike I got to thinking about the word change and how it affects all of us who grieve loss.

Change is inevitable, just as death is an inevitable part of life, but as I rode on through the beautiful bike trails around my home I wondered how do we accept or embrace change when it isn’t a change we ever wanted and in some cases change we didn’t expect to happen?

Here are a few thoughts I came up with;

- we usually sit in fear of the unknown, which is when the change is unexpected or unwanted (surrender to the unknown, even if you have to force yourself)

- fear can paralyze us from moving (so do what you know how to do today and tomorrow the next step will be given)

- change is uncomfortable (so breathe your way through it, yes lots of deep breaths, be conscience of letting go of fear)

- Surrender to the fear, doubt and change ( out of surrender will come grace & a new you)

- Sometimes change just requires some faith in knowing everything will be alright (this doesn’t mean you forget,  faith just asks that we believe in something greater than ourselves and our fear)

“Life is change – Growth is optional – Choose Wisely.” – Karen Kaiser Clark

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Courage To Heal Your Heart

I got to thinking this week on what it takes to heal your broken heart after a loss and the word that came to me was courage.  I know it isn’t always easy to get up each day and go on with life after suffering a loss of a loved one, it takes courage.  Here are a few thoughts to help you through;

• Challenge yourself to be happy again
• Be grateful for the life you have NOW
• Time for change offers time to be creative, let your creativity blossom!
• Celebrate who you are, might mean really getting in touch with yourself (what do you love about yourself that  you can celebrate today?)
• Don’t feel this loss is an ending, look at the next step in your life and remember there are no “right steps” only the next step.
• Courage means staying faithful, knowing life hold more for you
• Having a courageous heart means your heart dares to believe in a happy future
• I believe if you hang in and have courage the universe will meet you
• Allow your heart to dive back into life, it takes courage
• Share your gifts with the world, yes we all have gifts, what are yours?

I wrote to you in a previous post about the courage two young widows have who started the American Widow Project. Through the loss of their husbands who were killed in Iraq Taryn Davis and Nicole Hart are making a difference in the lives of other women who are widows of war.  Here is a new video that is worth watching: CLICK

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Lessons We Learn In Grief

This posting is being shared by my new friend Diana Sebzda, Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in issues of anticipatory grief, grief and pet loss.

WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?

When we lose someone we love, it is often our memories that sustain us and give us comfort, unless our memories are ones of regret.  How is it possible to have memories of regret?

Think about the last time we had an argument with our loved one and went to bed angry, left the house, or didn’t speak for days.  Think about how we tend to take for granted those that are closest to us.  Think about the times we may have forgotten a birthday, an anniversary or a special date that was important to our loved one.  Think about how many times we did what we wanted to do without any thought or regard to whether our loved one would be interested in doing the same thing.  Then think about hearing the news that your loved one died suddenly.

They are never coming back – they are gone forever.  Gone too are the opportunities we thought we had to make up from that argument, to say we’re sorry, to remember that special event, to ask our loved one “What would YOU like to do?”  Along with our feelings of grief and of missing them, we now have feelings of regret.  Typically when our loved ones are alive we have the time to make amends, to make things right.  What do we do when that opportunity is taken from us?

These are the lessons we learn in grief.  We learn that we have no control over the future; people die all the time, in many different ways – sometimes suddenly.  Our loved one could walk out that door to go to work and never come back.  We can’t make ourselves crazy with the “not knowing what our future holds.”  So we have to take the lessons and learn from them.  We can’t take our loved ones for granted.  We have to appreciate them every day, while they are still here.  Don’t make the same mistakes twice.  Tell our loved ones that we love them, that they matter, and that they are important to us.  Even when we’re mad at them.  We know that anger doesn’t last forever – love them “through” the anger, in spite of the anger.  Try to make each day special for them.  Hold their hand, give them a hug or a kiss, give them your time, listen to them – really listen to them.  Create loving memories that will sustain us and give us comfort, after they have gone.

Diana Sebzda, MA, LPC, CT

http://dianasgriefsupport.blogspot.com

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Global Grief Requires Healing

Right now at this place in time I believe much of the world is experiencing grief from loss of jobs, income, savings and sense of self.  If you have lost a job you might feel a loss of your self-identity, isolated and alone.  These are all feelings that we go through when we experience loss.  We all know people experiencing this type of journey through grief and many people are mourning their losses outwardly.   We must mourn the loss in order to heal and move forward.

Here are a few tips to share with anyone mourning;

1. Acknowledge the  reality of the situation/loss

2. By acknowledging you will reconcile and begin to heal/move forward

3.  Let go of the identity of the lost job for instance and be open to receive a new identity

4.  Get support from others, don’t feel guilty about asking for help.  By opening yourself to help you also open yourself to new opportunities.  Remember to ask for what you want.

5,  Your loss may be physically and mentally demanding so be gentle and kind with yourself.  Take extra time for self care. Perhaps committed time for exercise, walking a massage or even just a haircut can improve our mood and self confidence.

6.  Focus on things you’re good at, even if its in your spare time. Who know, perhaps it could turn into a job or some sort of extra income. If not, you are spending your time doing something you love and that nurtures you.

7.  Break free from all the seriousness of your grief, give yourself permission to just be silly.  Afterall laughter is the best medicine.

8.  Make a list of short term goals, things you can work on everyday that will lead you to feeling better about your loss.

9.  Make a list of 2-3 people that you can turn to for help or mentoring and be sure they will be therew to support you. You will find those who don’t want to talk about your loss, so be sure whomever you chose is willing to listen and help you.

10.  Be patient.  Be present and Be hopeful.

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Reader Stories

2008 – Pam’s Story

“It’s a year since he’s passed and I was really waiting and anticipating on how I would deal with it. I wanted the day to be over with and get it behind me but I also wanted to honor him and made a promise to honor him every year. I went back to North Carolina and the place we were the happiest, the place we were going to retire to.

I found a small country church and asked if they would unlock the door for me to go inside with my dearest friends. I read a prayer that we gave out at his wake and the short note my daughter read at his grave sight. I cried and so did they and then I was left alone for a few minutes to sit there.

I came back home and made a very hard decision to take my wedding band off and put it the box with his. I’ll always be married to him in my heart. How will I deal with the second year when I honor him? So many questions to be answered and where will I find them?
I know the only way I can deal with this is one day at a time.”
Pam K.
Minneapolis

2009 -
Two Years out.

I am facing the second year anniversary of my husband’s death and some things are remarkably the same as the first anniversary. I started anticipating it about a month ago. I just want the day to be over with so I can say I got through it and now I can go on and face the third year.

I honored him last year by going back to North Carolina where we wanted to retire to and spent the day with two of my closest friends. We went to a small country church and I said some prayers and cried and swore “Why did you leave me alone?”. I thought there would be a great revelation but there wasn’t and I walked away and realized it was just another day of living. My friends and I went out to out to lunch and the day was over.

So many things have happened since he died, some really great things, some extraordinary things and I didn’t crawl into the box and pull the lid shut and wither. If we allow ourselves to see the world and be open to receive gifts, they will come.That’s not to say if I could have my life back with him, I would do it. I have him tucked away in a very quiet and secure place in my heart and he will always be there. It’s called eternal love.

Life goes on, trite as it may sound but I have moved on my journey of grief. It’s a life long progression and I have found joy through my tears. Keep your eternal love but live your moments with hope. Open the lid of the box and let the light in. I have written a poem that I would like to share. It’s a series of four Japanese Haiku’s.

Eternal Love

Keeping love alive
in your heart, soul, mind, body
soaring to the moon.

It takes two to fly
like paired monarch butterflies,
fluttering as one.

They reach their special
place and close their wings tightly
around each other.

They become as one
magnificent butterfly
asleep in the dark.

Fly with me.

Pamela M. King
Poet

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You Are Not Alone – Ask For Help

As we experience a loss it is important that you reach out and ask for help. Telling someone what you need is not shameful, nor is a sign of weakness. But asking for help may make you vulnerable and uncomfortable if you are used to doing everything yourself. (I say that from experience)

Most people feel helpless around you and would do anything to ease your pain, but we must remember to ask and not presume the people who love us are psychic!

Here are a few suggestions on tasks to start with;

- ask a neighbor kid to mow the lawn, pull some weeds or tend to your garden

- ask your brother, father or neighbor to help with anything related to fixing or repairing household projects

- ask someone for help with your finances, preferably someone you trust and feel has skill with money

- ask a friend to accompany you out to dinner once a week in the beginning of loss, this will aid in the feeling of lonliness

- ask a sister, mother or girlfriend to babysit the kids so you can have some time to yourself and take that time to rejuvenate

Now think of something in your situation and take the step to ask for help – you will be glad you did.

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Ask For Help

As we experience a loss it is important that you reach out and ask for help. Telling someone what you need is not shameful, nor is a sign of weakness. But asking for help may make you vulnerable and uncomfortable if you are used to doing everything yourself. (I say that from experience)

Most people feel helpless around you and would do anything to ease your pain, but we must remember to ask and not presume the people who love us are psychic!

Here are a few suggestions on tasks to start with;

- ask a neighbor kid to mow the lawn, pull some weeds or tend to your garden

- ask your brother, father or neighbor to help with anything related to fixing or repairing household projects

- ask someone for help with your finances, preferably someone you trust and feel has skill with money

- ask a friend to accompany you out to dinner once a week in the beginning of loss, this will aid in the feeling of lonliness

- ask a sister, mother or girlfriend to babysit the kids so you can have some time to yourself and take that time to rejuvenate

Now think of something in your situation and take the step to ask for help – you will be glad you did.

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Do you need to heal from misdirected anger?

Anger. We all experience it, some more than others like those who are grieving a loss. That applies to loss from death, divorce or even a job loss.

Anger does not necessarily follow a logical path. Different people will focus their anger in different directions. For instance, you might be angry with people or at circumstances surrounding your loss, or you may be angry at the person you lost – that could even be an ex-spouse who you are angry at for the loss of a marriage.

In any case, is your anger misdirected to those you think are responsible for the loss or are you just angry. For me I will say in no uncertain terms that I was pissed off angry when my husband died and left me alone to sort out our life – but I will say with time the anger subsided and with time I actually softened and healed. I wasn’t really angry at him as much as I was sad for my loss.

So is your anger misdirected? Maybe…….but you will heal with time.

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Meaning of Life

This week I got to thinking about a deeper meaning to my life, which I do from time to time and I remembered a quote by the late George Carlin “Just when I found out the meaning of life, they changed it.”

I know this sounds like a really heavy and profound subject, but  if you’ve experience death, it makes you think about life.  You reflect on lives and loves that are lost and your place in the world and usually that means a world that offers you more meaning, a purpose to exist and get up everyday to do what you do. Sometimes when you lose a child you question everything about life including your faith, when you lose a spouse you wonder how will I get through this life without my partner?  Yes, death has a way of making us question the meaning of our lives.

I believe we need to be flexible to the ebbs and flows of our life particularly after a loss. Our life will take many turns during this period and so being able to “go with the flow” of life will be less stressful and can often times bring more meaning if we allow ourselves to live in the moment.  As life changes, we also need to change.   Something to think about…

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Grieving Multiple Losses

If you have ever experienced multiple losses like I did when I lost my Mom and husband within a month of each other as well as an Uncle a few months later you know this will extend your journey through grief. Past losses can include the deaths of loved ones and pets, jobs, many are losing homes, and people move away. If you have not dealt with these losses, you may have feelings of regret, sadness and even anger that will affect how you grieve your current loss, so be sure you acknowledge each loss for they all held meaning in your life.

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