Anniversary of a Death

Today marks the 4th anniversary of my husband Allan’s death.  I still miss him and the life we had built together.  People have asked me over the past couple of years if I have “gotten over” his death…Wow, what an unbelievable comment that is and I say ” I will never “get over” the death of my husband.    That said, you probably wonder if I have been able to move forward with my life and how ?

The simple answer is YES, I did find hope through my grief and I did move forward with life without my dear husband.  Was it easy – absolutely not! I took one day at a time which turned into one week and one month.

I learned to ask for help because it didn’t take too long for me to figure out I couldn’t possibly assume all the tasks my husband performed let alone my own.    In my case, my husband and I owned a business together and therefore I not only had to assume his role in the company but I also assumed his responsibilities at home.  Some days I sat and cried over how I would get everything done and keep my life together?  But through the tears, the anger at him for leaving me, the challenges of keeping the business going I still had the support of  family and friends and I just  kept going one day at a time and you can too.

Here a few tips to share that helped me move on with my life;

1.  I don’t believe you will ever “get over” the loss.  But you will learn to accept the loss which is when you move forward.

2.  I realized I had to find a new “normal” for me and my life as a widow, and eventually I accepted that too.

3.  I didn’t make any serious life decisions until about 18 months after his death.

4.  I let go of my ego and asked for alot of help, everything from help with yard work to help with my business.

5.  I didn’t clean out my husband’s closet and personal belongings until I was ready, in my case that was 6 months after his death, don’t let anyone rush you into this until you are ready.

6.  Each year on the anniversary of the death of my Mom I do something meaningful to honor her death, this year I wrote a story about her love of reading and I shared it with my brothers.   In my husbands case I honor his memory by donating money in his name to an organization he loved and I do other things that honor his memory as well. Remembering is wonderful and I love to honor these deaths in a loving way.  I also honor my Mom and husband through this website. Giving to others is a positive way of moving forward with life.  Find something meaningful to you is the key.

7.   On special days such as mother’s day, father’s day and birthdays I found ways of bringing fond memories into my day.  I reminded my step daughter how wonderful of a father she had and we would laugh about silly memories and on mother’s day I would remember special things my mother did and sometimes would make a special meal my mother showed me how to make.  Each year that passes the anniversaries will get easier to handle and often become that of a great day of remembrance.

So today I will find quiet moments to reflect on the love  and laughter we shared, the life we made and memories I keep with me forever.  Yes, I’ve shed some tears and wondered what might have been…

I think I will also have a martini (something Allan loved) and I will raise my glass, smile and be grateful that I had been loved and cherished by a really great guy.

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