Grieving Changes – Breast Cancer & Widows

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and I bet everyone reading this has been touched by this insidious disease, either personally or through a friend or relative. Breast cancer is one of those few cancers that can leave a woman disfigured, leaving her often grieving how her body used to look and how she used to feel as a woman.

She grieves in many of the same ways as I have as a widow. I grieved for a life I used to have and was forced to find a new normal, so does she.
A woman with breast cancer often wonders how she will handle dating, sex and her self esteem, again similar stages of grief that a widow faces.
Often a woman with cancer will have daily reminders after her treatment ends of her loss – her loss of hair and often her breasts, a widow has reminders of her loss seeing pictures of her partner on every shelf reminders of a life gone by.
Both cancer patients and those of us grieving loss are faced everyday with the fear of what the next day, week or month will bring during the grieving and healing process.

During this month of awareness I recognize that loss and that grief come  in many different forms and a thought I wanted to share with you.
Loss and grief surrounds us everyday, perhaps this awareness will make each of us more compassionate & hopeful with those who grieve loss in whatever form it takes.

I met a beautiful woman named Stephanie Sowder last week who has a line of butterfly jewelry to honor and support those whose lives are touched by cancer. The butterfly is a symbol of life. If interested you can check it out here: www.butterflyoflife.com

If you know a woman who is battling cancer and want to give her a meaningful gift of support, here are a few ideas; CLICK HERE

CLICK here for store link

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The Bond of Widowhood

I had the privilege of attending the first National Conference on Widowhood sponsored by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation.

The objective of the conference was to “celebrate how far we have come, to be inspired to truly live the life we have ahead of us, and to discover ways of honoring the past while rebuilding our future.” as described by Michele Neff Hernandez, Executive Director of Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation.

There were about 200 attendees from 28 states and 6 different countries all sharing this bond of widowhood. This is a bond, a group none of us ever wanted or imagined we would be apart of. This sentiment was expressed in the opening comments by Michele Neff Hernandez who said that this word unimaginable was what described her widowhood but as she took her journey through grief she knows it is not impossible. She went on to say “unimaginable and impossible are not the same thing and it doesn’t mean we can’t move forward…by moving forward we are honoring the person who has died, we have this choice each day…you are capable of being more than you think right now.”

Michele brought humor to her opening address by adding comments about widowhood most of us have also heard such as “You don’t look like a widow?” we all laughed at that one as she went onto say that’s because widows don’t have an identity in our culture, we don’t embrace widowhood. (we weren’t all wearing black and crying either).

Michele closed the opening remarks with “at the end of the day I’m whats left, and its up to me. I didn’t want to be strong, I had to be strong and its not impossible.”

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Saturday’s schedule was filled with a full day of educational break out sessions, some of those sessions were;

Widows and Money, by Dr. Kathleen Rehl

The presenter Dr. Rehl was herself widowed about 3 years ago so she spoke first hand about the challenges widows face with their financial choices.

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Widowed authors – panel discussion about their widowhood and subsequent books

Ann Marie Ginella – moderator and founder of   Widow Speak

Marian Fontana – A Widows Walk, Marian tells the story of losing her firefighter husband in the 9/11 tragedy

Carol Brody Fleet – Widow Wears Stilettos, Carol’s story of being a young widow

Gloria Lenhart – Planet Widow, Gloria’s story of losing her husband to a heart attack while out jogging

Amy Edelmen – Manless in Montclair, A story about how a happily married woman faces widowhood

Julie Mughal – Land Without Hats, Stories to widows from around the world facing challenges and adversity. Julie was widowed at the age of 31 and found purpose in seeking and sharing widows stories.

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Finding Your Purpose & Mission Again – presented by Miriam Neff

Miriam, a widow of three years talks of “Bob’s exit to heaven” and how she found purpose and meaning in a life without him.  She has a new book called “From One Widow To Another”

Finally I sat in on the Global Widowhood Panel Discussion – on the plight of widows in other countries

The key presenter was Dr. Raja Al-Khuzai, a doctor from Iraq who started an organization called the National Council for Women & Iraqi Widows Organization. She explained that the widows in Iraq want basically the same as widows everywhere and that is economic security fro herself and her children. She explained the many cultural differences and financial challenges. Dr. Al-Khuzai continues to work with the United National and the world bank to secure Mico financing for these widows.

Hilda Orimba Agola, Executive Chairperson of Widows and Orphans Welfare Society of Kenya

Hilda also explained that the widows in Kenya just want to share their experiences of widowhood and they want economic empowerment. She too works to gain micro financing programs for the widows.

Julie Mughal – from Save The Children joined this panel to talk about the widows she spoke with from around the world and highlighted the common link again was the economic support of their families.

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Saturday evening Widows Bond Banquet

Saturday was packed with so many seminar sessions with topics for any age and stage in the grief journey. Everyone seemed to leave that afternoon filled with so much inspiration and hope.

The evening was filled with a beautiful banquet hosted again by the beautiful Michele Neff Hernandez.  Women came dressed up and with smiles on their faces.  There was much laughter and a buzz of hope filled the room.  As the faces of our loved ones flashed on the projection screen it was a symbol of honoring the love we shared, remembering the past and feeling the spirit and hopefulness for the future.

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Attendees came with the common bond of widowhood and left with the bond of new found hope and friendship. I for one look forward to keeping in contact with the women I came to know and believe that many of us will collaborate to serve, strengthen and provide hope  not only to widows but to all grievers who feel they are alone in their journey of grief.

I believe this conference was and  is a step to publicly discussing death, bereavement, and grief in a manner that each attendee related to.  We asked each other questions like “what did you do with your wedding rings” to “did people ask you stupid questions like “are you over it?” or comments like “I’m sure you’ll find another husband” I wondered “Did you ever sleep with a piece of your husband’s clothes.”  or “How long did you keep his voice message in your sell phone?” So many of our seemingly quirky questions were discussed with those who understand. Yes, there is empowerment in a bond of widowhood.

I am grateful to have been apart of such a ground breaking conference and will post on this site information on the next event with the hopes that more will attend next year.  If you were not able to attend I encourage you to find a bond with another widow/widower.    You may contact Widows Bond for a match or contact me with your name, city, age, year your spouse died.    joanne@heartachetohealing.com

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Widow Shares Heartbreaking Story

I’ve read several blogs on widowhood recently, yours has a sense of peace and hopefulness. Thank you.

I lost my husband three years ago this June while we were traveling in Europe, my husband was an invited speaker at a distance education conference in Vienna, Austria. The day after his presentation we were getting on a cruise of the Danube River when he had a strong pain in his belly and couldn’t catch his breath. Gratefully two men were immediately by my side helping him – they both spoke English. They recognized the seriousness of his symptoms and called for the paramedics. He was rushed to the hospital, where they confirmed that he had had a heart attack. He was 51 years old, very healthy otherwise. They said the heart was caused by a blood clot.

He lived for over 36 hours and stayed alert most of the time but he was very weak and his heart was pounding in his chest. It never occurred to me that he could die. People had heart attacks all the time and lived. I was just wondering how long we would be in Austria, how long before he could fly again. When I finally spoke to his doctor in the US who had gotten through to the doctors in Austria I grasped the critical situation we were in. I was told that if he went into renal failure the only thing that would save him would be a heart transplant and they didn’t perform those at the hospital we were in. I begged them to move him to a hospital that could and would perform such an operation. They refused because he was not yet IN renal failure. I asked them that if he were, would they move him, they told me no, it would be too dangerous to move him at that point. The frustration! His condition worsened and I was escorted out of the room so they could intubate him. Before I left I looked him in the eye and told him that I loved him. He blinked back his response.
Two hours later I knocked on the door and begged them to simply let me be in the same room with him. The nurse looked at me and said in his far too casual and less than perfect English, “Sure, you can come in. But he died.” Those words will echo in my mind for the rest of my life. I could not believe that the God I had been praying to, been pledging everything to if he would only save my sweethearts life would leave me alone in a country where I knew no one and didn’t speak the language!

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had been in contact with the local missionaries as soon as possible after arriving at the hospital. I could not have survived without the sweet and tender care of those boys. They were at a loss as to how to help me but they had access to resources and people who could. Other members took me into their homes; they helped me with the piles of paperwork and red tape involved with the death of a citizen abroad.In less than two weeks we were able to fly his body back to the US.

A sad side note to this sad story. My husband and I had only been married for 14 months. It was a second marriage for both of us. We had finally found what we had both missed for so many years! I had never been happier. We had plans for the future, plans we had never been able to make with previous spouses. It was all before us. Until it wasn’t. I was hurt and angry. I felt cheated beyond belief. My faith assures me that there is life beyond this. I am not at all sad for my husband. I believe he is in Paradise patiently waiting for me to join him. I believe we will be together again. And for him, it will be but a small moment in time. But for me, it will be years and years of loneliness.

Between us, we have six children. He had two boys and I had two boys and two girls. They are all young adults now, going through all the typical stuff and none of them lives at home. My nest seems prematurely empty.

Since my husband’s death I have completed an advanced degree, found a new job and am managing day by day. I cycle through periods of great hope, of contentment with my situation, to periods of resentment, frustration and anger. But I truly do try to focus on the positive.

I was given a second chance to discover what love really is, what marriage should be like. I count that among my greatest blessings. I don’t believe God punished me by taking him away, I believe he blessed me by giving him to me in the first place.
I remember saying to myself” I didn’t sign up for this! This was not the plan!” But then I realized that if the choice were; to have this man in my life, for only a short time, but with the promise of eternity with him or, never know him, never feel the loss of his death. I would have signed up gladly.

This was long. I’m sorry. I haven’t really told the story before. Thank you for giving me the opportunity.

Ann

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The American Widow Project

Last week I had the honor of speaking with  Taryn Davis, founder of  the American Widow Project and her partner Nicole Hart.  These two women amidst the grief of losing their husbands  in the Iraq war, have become dedicated to support the new generation of widows – that of the military widow.  They want other military widows to know they are not alone so Taryn produced a documentary DVD about the journey of six military widows, their struggles and sorrow and is FREE of charge to all military widows simply by sending a request to their website.  Anyone else can purchase the DVD for a small donation. Their goal is to have the military distribute a DVD in each packet given to the widow after the soldiers death, this way the widow will immediately know she is not alone.

These women have a beautiful RV with the names of all the fallen soldiers from Iraq and Afghanistan.  Nicole told me this to “honor the fallen, the heros, not to make a head count of war, this represents the life behind each name as well as the survivor behind each name” They plan on making a trip from the west coast to Washington DC where they plan to be on Memorial Day 2009.  They will be stopping at military bases along the way to talk with other widows and share the DVD.  They need our help to make this journey, so I encourage you to DONATE today and help these brave women reach out to those who are grieving a loss.

At the age of 23, these young women are wise beyond their years. Taryn said to me “we all understand that grief is universal even if you are not a military widow”and they wanted to share a few tips on healing they have learned;

1.  FOLLOW YOUR HEART – said Taryn, do what you think is right and not what others think might be best for you or how other think you should feel.

2. HOLD TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE – said Taryn, don’t think what I tell you about grief is what you should do. We’re all different.

3.  HOLD ON – said Nicole, when people tell you to let go or move on, it’s OK to hold on to memories. Those memories helped her through this journey called grief.

4. ONE DAY AT A TIME – said Nicole, to concentrate on today only helped. Don’t try to think about next week, rather take each day as it comes.

Their mission is not to tell people how to grieve but to talk and share stories but most of all to comfort and let these widows know they are not alone, that’s true Heartache To Healing. Taryn told me someone once said, “Its not so much about the road you take it’s how you take it.”  I think that’s awfully profound.

I humbly thank Michael Davis and David Hart who gave their lives for liberty, for freedom and for the United States of America.

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Support Groups for Widows

Today I attended a luncheon sponsored by a local Funeral Home and partner of the LIFT Program.  I wanted to see first hand what they offered to widows/widowers.   The program is a social support program that  provides monthly luncheons and various other outings and activities.  The benefits of the LIFT group and other social groups for widows and widowers are many;

1.  Provides a place to meet others who have lost their spouse, others who understand your loss.

2.  Provides support from feeling isolated and alone

3.  Opportunity to meet new friends

4.  Great way to participate in organized activities without feeling like the 3rd wheel (often those who have lost a spouse feel like the 3rd wheel with their friends that have spouses)

LIFT offers groups nationwide. you can click on this link to find one nearest you.

*My personal experience today was that the group was all seniors. That’s not to say all groups all the same so be sure to ask the organizer the ages of the attendees.

Remember, you don’t have to be alone.  If you can’t find a group in your area, contact me and I will try to help!

JoAnne

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