How Friends Benefit The Stress of Death

I just read this great article about the study proving the physical and emotional benefits of friends and especially women who benefit from their girlfriend relationships. Be sure to pay attention to the paragraph that talks about how much better women do after the death of their spouse if they have support of their girlfriends, a confidant to help them through the difficult times.

JoAnne Funch

UCLA STUDY ON FRIENDSHIP AMONG WOMEN
By Gale Berkowitz

A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special.
They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our
tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and
help us remember who we really are. By the way, they may do even more.

Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can
actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us
experience on a daily basis. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women
respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to
make and maintain friendships with other women. It’s a stunning find
that has turned five decades of stress research—most of it on
men—upside down . “Until this study was published, scientists
generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a
hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee
as fast as possible,” explains Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an
Assistant Professor of Biobehavioral Health at Penn State University
and one of the study’s authors. “It’s an ancient survival mechanism
left over from the time we were chased across the planet by
saber-toothed tigers.

Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral
repertoire than just “fight or flight.” “In fact,” says Dr. Klein,”it
seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress
responses in a woman, it buffers the “fight or flight” response and
encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead.
When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies
suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress
and produces a calming effect. This calming response does not occur in
men”, says Dr. Klein, “because testosterone—which men produce in
high levels when they’re under stress—seems to reduce the effects of
oxytocin. Estrogen”, she adds, “seems to enhance it.”

The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was
made in a classic “aha!” moment shared by two women scientists who
were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. “There was this joke that when
the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned
the lab, had coffee, and bonded”, says Dr. Klein. “When the men were
stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own. I commented one day to
fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress
research is on males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the two
of us knew instantly that we were onto something.”

The women cleared their schedules and started meeting with one
scientist after another from various research specialties. Very
quickly, Drs. Klein and Taylor discovered that by not including women
in stress research, scientists had made a huge mistake: The fact that
women respond to stress differently than men has significant
implications for our health.

It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that
oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other
women, but the “tend and befriend” notion developed by Drs. Klein and
Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men. Study after
study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by
lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. “There’s no
doubt,” says Dr. Klein, “that friends are helping us live.” In one
study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends
increase d their risk of death over a 6-month period. In another
study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their
risk of death by more than 60%.

Friends are also helping us live better. The famed Nurses’ Health
Study from Harvard  Medical School found that the more friends women
had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they
aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In
fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that
not having close friends or confidantes was as detrimental to your
health as smoking or carrying extra weight! And that’s not all! When
the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the
death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this
biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend confidante
were more likely to survive the experience without any new physical
impairments or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends were
not always so fortunate.

Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much
of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to
our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with them? That’s a
question that also troubles researcher Ruthellen Josselson, Ph.D.,
co-author of “Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls’ and
Women’s Friendships (Three Rivers Press, 1998). “Every time we get
overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of
friendships with other women,” explains Dr. Josselson.”We push them
right to the back burner. That’s really a mistake because women are
such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And
we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind
of talk that women do when they’re with other women. It’s a very
healing experience.”

Taylor, S. E., Klein, L.C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T. L., Gurung,
R. A. R., & Updegraff, J. A. Female Responses to Stress: Tend and
Befriend, Not Fight or Flight

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Choose Words That Comfort Grief

When you talk to someone who is grieving, words often don’t come, you don’t know what to say. But remember that the one who is grieving does want to hear from you. May I suggest you don’t ask questions like, “How Are You Doing?” because when your logical mind thinks about that question, how do you think someone would be doing who just lost a loved one? Rather, ask a more specific question like, “Can I help with anything around the house this week?” or “I’m sure you are overwhelmed right now, but I will check on you again next week” and be sure that you do follow-up. To speak to someone immediately following a death a better statement might be, “I can’t imagine the sorrow you are feeling right now, but know that I am here whenever you need support”

Another suggestion is, don’t assume someone else is going to step in and help, because if everyone thinks that way the one grieving will have little to no support. Amazingly once the funeral is over, people move on except those grieving, that is the time when support is needed most. Also don’t be afraid to ask how you can help and sometime it might require a gentle push, but the effort and support will never be forgotten.

Any other suggestions are welcomed, please comment below or email me at; joanne@heartachetohealing.com

My Book, “I Don’t Know What To Say” is a wonderful reference for every family, because we all face death at sometime.

CLICK HERE TO ORDER YOUR COPY

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The American Widow Project

Last week I had the honor of speaking with  Taryn Davis, founder of  the American Widow Project and her partner Nicole Hart.  These two women amidst the grief of losing their husbands  in the Iraq war, have become dedicated to support the new generation of widows – that of the military widow.  They want other military widows to know they are not alone so Taryn produced a documentary DVD about the journey of six military widows, their struggles and sorrow and is FREE of charge to all military widows simply by sending a request to their website.  Anyone else can purchase the DVD for a small donation. Their goal is to have the military distribute a DVD in each packet given to the widow after the soldiers death, this way the widow will immediately know she is not alone.

These women have a beautiful RV with the names of all the fallen soldiers from Iraq and Afghanistan.  Nicole told me this to “honor the fallen, the heros, not to make a head count of war, this represents the life behind each name as well as the survivor behind each name” They plan on making a trip from the west coast to Washington DC where they plan to be on Memorial Day 2009.  They will be stopping at military bases along the way to talk with other widows and share the DVD.  They need our help to make this journey, so I encourage you to DONATE today and help these brave women reach out to those who are grieving a loss.

At the age of 23, these young women are wise beyond their years. Taryn said to me “we all understand that grief is universal even if you are not a military widow”and they wanted to share a few tips on healing they have learned;

1.  FOLLOW YOUR HEART – said Taryn, do what you think is right and not what others think might be best for you or how other think you should feel.

2. HOLD TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE – said Taryn, don’t think what I tell you about grief is what you should do. We’re all different.

3.  HOLD ON – said Nicole, when people tell you to let go or move on, it’s OK to hold on to memories. Those memories helped her through this journey called grief.

4. ONE DAY AT A TIME – said Nicole, to concentrate on today only helped. Don’t try to think about next week, rather take each day as it comes.

Their mission is not to tell people how to grieve but to talk and share stories but most of all to comfort and let these widows know they are not alone, that’s true Heartache To Healing. Taryn told me someone once said, “Its not so much about the road you take it’s how you take it.”  I think that’s awfully profound.

I humbly thank Michael Davis and David Hart who gave their lives for liberty, for freedom and for the United States of America.

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Support Groups for Widows

Today I attended a luncheon sponsored by a local Funeral Home and partner of the LIFT Program.  I wanted to see first hand what they offered to widows/widowers.   The program is a social support program that  provides monthly luncheons and various other outings and activities.  The benefits of the LIFT group and other social groups for widows and widowers are many;

1.  Provides a place to meet others who have lost their spouse, others who understand your loss.

2.  Provides support from feeling isolated and alone

3.  Opportunity to meet new friends

4.  Great way to participate in organized activities without feeling like the 3rd wheel (often those who have lost a spouse feel like the 3rd wheel with their friends that have spouses)

LIFT offers groups nationwide. you can click on this link to find one nearest you.

*My personal experience today was that the group was all seniors. That’s not to say all groups all the same so be sure to ask the organizer the ages of the attendees.

Remember, you don’t have to be alone.  If you can’t find a group in your area, contact me and I will try to help!

JoAnne

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Grief Support Guide For Families

Family and friends are often at a loss knowing how to support their loved one who is grieving a loss.  I have written a useful guide that will benefit anyone.

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Do You Have A Circle of Strength?

I last wrote about asking for help, because we can’t get through grief or any stressful life challenges alone. I realized some time back that I was blessed by people in my life that I considered as part of my “circle of strength” – those who are there for me when I ask and even when I don’t. We all need a circle of those who support us through the thick and thin of life, those we know we can truly count on support – so who is your circle of strength and are you calling on them for support during your time of need?

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Ask For Help

As we experience a loss it is important that you reach out and ask for help. Telling someone what you need is not shameful, nor is a sign of weakness. But asking for help may make you vulnerable and uncomfortable if you are used to doing everything yourself. (I say that from experience)

Most people feel helpless around you and would do anything to ease your pain, but we must remember to ask and not presume the people who love us are psychic!

Here are a few suggestions on tasks to start with;

- ask a neighbor kid to mow the lawn, pull some weeds or tend to your garden

- ask your brother, father or neighbor to help with anything related to fixing or repairing household projects

- ask someone for help with your finances, preferably someone you trust and feel has skill with money

- ask a friend to accompany you out to dinner once a week in the beginning of loss, this will aid in the feeling of lonliness

- ask a sister, mother or girlfriend to babysit the kids so you can have some time to yourself and take that time to rejuvenate

Now think of something in your situation and take the step to ask for help – you will be glad you did.

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Steps To Healing

Taking those first steps to healing are not easy, but let me share with anyone who is enduring a recent loss that there is hope and taking a few simple steps will ease your pain.

You can download a copy of those steps below;

Proven and Simple Steps From Heartache To Healing

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