Resilience

Today Elizabeth Edwards died after her long battle with cancer.  I so admired this woman who taught us much about resilience and facing life’s adversities.  She shared publicly her private moments of joy and sorrow all while holding her head high and using each step of her life as a teaching opportunity for her children.

Elizabeth Edwards seemed to face life with grace and dignity up to the end and on her own terms.  She was determined to spend her remaining days living,  according to the reports.   She had said that she had to reconcile with God , no longer as an intervening God because she new that was past but with a God where she seeks salvation and enlightenment. “It’s the God I have now” she said.

I have thought often about resilience myself, I believe I have found it for myself, but have YOU?  Do you believe you have or can be resilient?

Is resilience a learned skill?  Or are we born with a gene that makes us more resilient than someone else?  Is our resilience predictable?  How do we measure resilience?  I hadn’t thought much about this until 2005 when I experienced the most devastating year of my life and my own resilience was tested following the deaths of my mother, husband and uncle.  I know that first couple of years I wondered how I would survive let alone how would I thrive and feel joy again, but I did.  I am resilient and I am living life with joy, on my own terms.

My Dad taught me a great lesson while following my mom’s death and while he was with me helping me following my husbands death, he said “JoAnne, we just play the cards we’re dealt, we might not like it but we just do what we need to do.” I have encountered a number of adversities in my life and yet here I am, I keep pulling myself up by my boot straps, wipe away my tears, yell out in frustration occasionally and keep living.

Elizabeth Edwards said in her book Resilience, “I have said before that I do not know what the most important lesson is that I will ever teach my children, Cate and Emma Claire and Jack. I do know that when they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not go her way — and surely it has not — she adjusted her sails.”

Rest in peace dearest Elizabeth, thank you for sharing apart of your life with us…

Are you resilient?  How have you lived life since your loss?  Please, share your comments below;

You can get Elizabeth Edwards book “Resilience” though Amazon, click the link below;

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Grief arising from sudden and traumatic loss

by Good Grief

Although any bereavement is difficult to accept and process, it is well known that bereavement through sudden, accidental or traumatic can be a special case. This post aims to communicate a better understanding of how and why this type of loss can be particularly traumatic.

It is the sudden nature of these events that poses the problem. Examples of this type of loss include heart attacks, strokes, accidents, post-operative complications, allergic reactions and natural disasters. These events suddenly change our world leaving us shaken, unsure and vulnerable and with a sense that there is no order in the world.

For those left behind there may be special problems not associated with other types of loss. Specific issues may complicate and compound the level of grief and make the grieving process more intense. For example there may be unfinished business in that there was, most likely, no opportunity to say goodbye or to apologize for wrongdoing or arguments.

Sudden tragic events also tend to increase the vulnerability of those left behind. Fears of a repeat of the event that caused the loss or a general anxiety about unfamiliar situations may be present. A general pessimism about the future may also be experienced. Along with this may come losses of income or status which adds to the burden of the bereaved. In some cases the survivor may have experienced the traumatic event and may themselves be injured. This adds to the stress of the situation and may be accompanied by survivor’s guilt.

The article describes how grievers might react to various causes of death. This is useful in understanding our own feelings and in helping those we are close to deal with their loss.
Natural losses are illnesses and natural disasters—heart attack, stroke, earthquake or hurricane. With natural losses the resulting anger is directed towards the deceased or God. Human-caused losses include homicide, bombings, or acts of war and may be due to individual hostile actions. In human-caused disasters the survivor’s anger can be focused on the responsible person(s).

In accidental deaths there is no clear focus of intentionality. There is a high degree of intentionality with deaths such as homicide. Anger and blame for the death can be directed at a responsible person.
Illnesses like a sudden heart attack or ruptured aneurysm and natural disasters earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes may not be perceived as being preventable. Others such as homicide may be highly preventable. When deaths are perceived as preventable, there may be a strong sense of the “What if’s.”     Preventable deaths are likely to increase a sense of guilt, especially if one feels responsible or a sense of anger or if one holds others at fault.
With some losses, the death is instantaneous. Immediate death may leave feelings that the person who died had no time to prepare for the death. Many survivors find the knowledge of an instantaneous death to be comforting. In others situations, there is a question whether the deceased suffered pain or anxiety prior to dying. These memories, particularly if the person’s relative died in extremely distressing circumstances may dominate the person’s thoughts, rather than the memories of the person themselves. This can become a diversion from grieving for the deceased person disrupting the grieving process. Imaginings or memories of the traumatic death may cause so much distress, that remembering the person who died may be actively avoided.
The number of people affected by the loss can affect the intensity of grief. When large numbers of people are involved as with a devastating hurricane, the ability of others to offer support maybe limited, because of the extent of those involved. Conversely, highly public losses such as the September 11th tragedy, Littleton Shootings or losses due to war can result in a greater community response and demonstration of support, allowing survivors to bond and grieve together.
Some sudden losses are still somewhat expected, even if just retrospectively. The heart attack of someone at risk or the sudden loss of someone struggling with a life-threatening illness, frequently do not come as a total surprise. Other losses, such as accidents or random acts of violence, offer little to no forewarning and are a shock to the survivor.

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Finding a New Normal

Contributed by Jan LaPitz

At various stages in our lives, for a variety of reasons, our lives take a huge shift, and we must find a new normal.  Whether it be due to empty nesting, divorce, death of a spouse, loss of a job/career change, family issues, illness, etc. The list is almost endless.  We plan for our futures in many ways.   However, are we ever really prepared to adjust to a life changing event, sometimes, a series of events? Some of us are more skilled than others, but essentially no one is totally prepared for what’s around the “disaster corner”, or our perceived life path “detours”…

For over 20 years, a friend and her husband owned and operated an upscale lodge. After experiencing a wonderful successful life, they decided to sell, found a comfortable home close to family, and prepared to enjoy new life style. He suffered a fatal heart attack the day after closing on their new home. Her path with him ended that day. She never lived in the new house and  her struggle to recover from her loss was a steep daily climb out.

However, after three years on her emotional roller coaster she is now preparing for a fresh adventure with a new love. Who knows for how long they’ll share paths, or where their relationship will lead. However, with the aid of various substances and counseling she continues to moved forward, regaining her courage, setting aside her fears, and choosing to open her heart again. She is finding, for however long – no one knows, a new normal.

I believe there are two subjects to explore here. One is the “path” theory. Understanding that we each have our own path, our own walk, our own journey on this earth is, to me, key to a happier, healthier, more fulfilling life.

For those with children in their lives, we raise our children to the best of our abilities. Regardless of the values we instill, and the directions we point them in, they each have their own path, their own purpose, their own destiny, and they will make their own choices.

The other subject is the choice theory – we make choices. Each choice takes us on an adventure of lessons, experiences, and consequences. We make choices. Those choices are not necessarily good or bad, but yes, there are always consequences to our actions. We make choices based on a variety of circumstances, education levels, and the influence of others, but they are choices not mistakes. And, we are given the opportunity to learn from each choice we make.

Understanding and acceptance of this must come from a much higher level of intellect than most of us take time to ponder on a day to day basis. Often times until we’re faced with a catastrophic event we’ve been so very busy “doing life” that we haven’t had time to ask and answer the bigger, harder questions.   At that point it is almost too late – the world doesn’t stop spinning for us to regroup, rest, take an emotional and intellectual deep breath, and get through our grieving process. The fact that our society, in general, doesn’t recognize or associate grief with losses other than the physical loss of a loved one often times creates a huge barrier to regaining a healthy self.

Women are skilled damage control artists. We’re actually wired/programmed to fix all the problems in our individual day to day worlds. However, we’re not necessarily capable of fixing ourselves. Nor, and almost more importantly, are we geared to believe we’re “breakable”. We won’t break, we can’t break – too many others depend upon us to hold their world together. In fact, we have chosen, often time for very valid reasons, to allow them to be dependent upon us. We have made that choice, because of the path we’ve chosen to walk today. Think about how those choices may put you into a position of needing to find a future new normal.

Be mindful of the fact that you may actually want to find a new normal.  There are the healthy decisions of continuing your education after the kids have moved out; or starting a new business because you now have “me” time – want to devote volunteer hours to your community? Don’t forget to also plan the weekend spa trips with your gal pals.  Now could truly be the time in your life to have the well rounded life you’ve so desired and deserve. Yes, you are worthy of happiness, fun, love, and adventure – “new normals”.

No one can determine what the path of another is, or should be. We can offer a supportive ear, a hug, and endearing, loving words of encouragement to each other. Bolstering each others’ confidence, sense of self worth, beauty, wisdom, and courage to take “risks”, make bold choices, and move forward are essential components of nurturing friendships as we each find our “new normals”.

Finding a new normal seems to have been the norm for me and my friends during various stages of our lives. Some people believe we out grow friendships; we go our separate ways, lose touch; paths differing so much we’re left nothing in common. I believe, to the contrary, friendships cultivated decades ago are more important than ever to ourselves and each other.

Everyone has something to bring to the table of life – sharing our gifts of self with each other, at times, can be everything.

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It’s Your Life, Follow Your Dreams

By Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP

Author of When Every Day Matters (Simple Abundance Press)

It was 1992.  Four years had lapsed since my daughter Katie’s diagnosis of a brain tumor.  She was now healthy and back working in New York City.  Because my maternal stress levels were greatly relaxed, my professional dreams began to reemerge. It was time to think about making them come true.

Both my dreams and my interests had become undeniably centered on the concepts developed by psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung because I realized, in hindsight, I had been living an archetypal experience during the trauma of Katie’s illness.  I realized also that while I was not the first mother to have been frightened by her child’s cancer, I needed to discover some meaning in it all and quench my thirst for understanding my time of monumental stress.  I also had a burning desire to explore Jung’s concepts of archetypes, dreams, the anima, the animus, the collective unconscious, synchronicity, the shadow, complex theory and other topics he developed.  And, I wanted to study where Dr. Jung developed his theories.  Yes, my psychic pathways for studious wanderlust beckoned.  I had no doubt that I needed to honor this dream.

Down the stairs I came that night of awakening, eager to share this new revelation with my husband, St. Richard. ”I’ve been called to Switzerland,” I announced with an ecstasy of St. Teresa of Avila swooning with awareness.  Responding with his normal sincerity and humor that I often write about, he said, “Tonight?”

Three days later I registered for my program of study dealing with the symbolic world and depth psychology. Ninety-one people from the world over would become my classmates at The Jung Institute.  The program I signed up for would be held in Kusnacht, Switzerland, right on Lake Zurich, Jung’s hometown for many years.

Several months later, as a parent would attach little mittens, my husband handed me my passport and boarding pass, kissed me goodbye and said, “You’ll be all right.”  I would I thought? I didn’t speak German, I’d never been away more than two days without him – never mind to Europe by myself – and what in God’s holy name was I doing?  When the plane soared into the night sky I quietly wiped away a few nervous tears.

Hours later, looking out the window on the chain of Swiss Alps snaking across the earth below, I gasped at their beauty and magnificence.  Here in Switzerland I would begin a pilgrimage.  Here in Switzerland I would feed my spirit and share experiences with others who would teach me and whom I would teach.  Here in Switzerland I would learn first-hand the nature and importance of one of Jung’s most profound concepts: individuation which is to understand the psychological process that makes a person an individual.

On the last day of the program I rode the train with a small group of seven newly formed friends to see Jung’s summer cottage. There at Bollingen we held one another’s hands and sang “Amazing Grace” because each of us had come to Switzerland to find something extraordinary and each of us did: we found the miracle in the mystery.  We found the joy in personal pursuit.  We found the guaranteed blessing that is the ultimate reward whenever we take the time to follow our dream and Make Every Day Matter.

www.WhenEveryDayMatters.com

www.MJHB.net

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Stages of Grief and Loss Change Over Time

By Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP , Author of When Every Day Matters (Simple Abundance Press)

How we feel about a person’s death changes over time.  I think it has everything to do with our relationship to that person and maybe even the age we are when we experience permanent loss.  I also think it has to do with accepting the mystery of death.  Sometimes the death of someone is so shattering in the beginning that we barely function.  Then, as time moves ahead, little-by-little, we begin to heal a little at a time depending on the intensity of the love we felt for the deceased.

Sometimes, however, our grief experience is in reverse and delayed as mine was in the case of my father who passed away I was thirteen years old.  Rarely talking about him it appeared on the outside that I was coping fine.  It wasn’t until my early 30’s in graduate school – while attending workshops to deal with unconscious elements – my long ago grief for my father was uncovered.  I discovered then how much pain and sorrow had been buried when he was layed to rest.  I learned then that just because my father was at peace didn’t mean I necessarily was.  I addressed then, consciously and seriously, my deep sadness and loss of him.  And, while a delayed grief process, the-better-late-than-never paradigm was applicable.

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Life After Loss

We all lose loved ones.  Some are gone before we really get to know them.  Others are taken just on the brink of  seeing how much the world really has to offer them.   So very many are lost in the prime of their life.  Others must wait what seems to be an eternity and we wonder what holds them here after living a full life.

Regardless of how we lose them the pain and grief some days seems endless and unbearable due to loves and bonds so strong  they extend beyond mortal comprehension.  There is life after loss.

We know we’ll never forget them but we want the rest of the world to know and remember them with us.   We look for opportunities  to talk about them and ways to memorialize them.

We erect shrines in their memory in the form of benches and gardens.  We plant trees knowing at least they will out live us to somehow carry on the memory of our loved one.  We donate our time in their honor.  We place objects that remind us of them strategically throughout our day to day lives.  We contribute to charities in their names.  In essence we look for every way possible to  immortalize our loved ones because we will always hold them close to our hearts.

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Memorials For Loved Ones

I often get asked how to honor the memory of their deceased loved one especially on the anniversary of a death.  With permission I want to share a story from Heartache To Healing subscriber Mary A. Phillips because not only did I find it a touching memorial to her beloved husband’s memory but a unique way in which she chose to honor his birthday with an event of meaning and purpose.

“Yesterday I had a Pooh de Mayo charity event to celebrate with my husband’s friends. His birthday was May 5th Cinco de Mayo and his nickname was Pooh hence the name of the event. I had everyone bring a Pooh Bear or other bear to get in. Then we had a BBQ dinner for all. Collected 150 bears and had a good day. It had been 9 months since my husband’s death. Beautiful day and a good healing knowing that this is going to a local charity that grants wishes for children in Texas with life threatening diseases. It is like Make a Wish but a local one.

Just thought I would share this since I found it surprisingly a good day.” ~ Mary A. Phillips

Thank You Mary for sharing!

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How has a death put your life in perspective?

Doris Good After losing 2 brothers and both parents in 7 years, their deaths taught me the preciousness of remembering. I have no one to call and say “remember when” with. I realize that I have to reinvent myself because I no longer live the rolls of Bill and Terry’s Sister or Bill and Doris Jean’s daughter. I didn’t know how much of me was a part of those relationships. Now I have rememberances, rituals to satisfy the need to say “remember when we….”. It taught me that the silence of sending balloons to my departed and visualizing them taking the balloons up to the heavens can be a very soothing and satisfying moment of peace and rememberance.

“Death puts life in perspective” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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The Other Day In Home Depot

Just the other day I had to run into Home Depot searching for something for my house and as I wandered the aisles this great wave of anxiety and some sadness hit me like a pile of bricks…I remembered all the trips I made to Home Depot while my late husband was remodeling our house and he would send me out to pick something up and inevitably I would call him from the store because I couldn’t quite figure out what he wanted.

So as I wandered the aisles that day I thought, I have no one to call and ask if I was getting the right part? It’s funny how these emotions hit you in the most unexpected times and places.

As I was driving home the pictures that reminded me of times gone by kept flashing in front of me like an old movie and I took some deep breathes and just went with it, let the feelings flow and the memories stay alive within me just one more time.

As the years go by there still are times when something sets me back in time to remember the life I once had, it’s usually the little things that set my heart beating a little faster and the tears well up in my eyes, I’ve just learned that one one thing ends, something else begins and I am want to be open for whatever that is.

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Grief Rituals, Creating Them Will Help You Heal

For all of you who listened to my teleseminar last week, you know we discussed rituals and why they are important in the healing process.  As a follow-up to that, I want to share the article below which gives some great examples of rituals and how they might apply to you.

ByHarriet Hodgson

Each society has its own rituals. These rituals connect us with support groups. Personal rituals also help you to heal. In fact, they may be more meaningful because you created them. What is a ritual? The dictionary defines it as “an established or prescribed procedure for a religious or other rite.” Another definition is “any practice or pattern of behavior repeated in a prescribed manner reminiscent of ritual.”

I am not a ritual kind of person. After four loved ones died in 2007, however, I created a few simple rituals to honor them. Each morning, when I awaken, I make a pledge to my daughter. This pledge, “I will not fail you Helen,” is for her children — the grandchildren I am raising. When I say the pledge tears come to my eyes.

We need rituals in order to heal. Rev. William Purdy, DD, Vice President or Provider Relations Continuum Hospice Care in New York City, makes this point in his article, “Giving Grief Ritual.” Despite the tragedy of September 11th, “for a significant number of people whose loved ones died unexpected deaths, ritual grieving remains unexplored,” he writes.

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