Understanding The Stress of Anticipatory Grief

This past week my sister-in-laws mother died after spending 10 days in Hospice and prior to that 7 months of at home critical care by the family knowing she would never get better from her cancer diagnosis.  My sister-in-law was the primary care giver to her mother spending 5 days a week at her side during the day and her other siblings stepped in to fill the other time.

I watched the toll this care giving took on all the family members while anticipating her inevitable death.  The symptoms of anticipatory grief can include  mood swings, forgetfulness, disorganized and confused behavior, anger, depression, denial, feeling disconnected from life and alone.   You may have health symptoms, too, such as weight loss or gain, problems sleeping, nervous behavior, depression and general fatigue.

Depending on your loved one’s illness, you may grieve for a year, five years, 10 years, or more. The slow decline of a loved one is a heavy burden. Edward Myers, in his book “When Parents Die,” says this burden comes with special hardships. Myers compares a slow decline to an advancing glacier.

A sudden death hits you like an explosion, Myers explains, and sends you into shock, whereas a slow decline “arrives more like a glacier, massive and unstoppable, grinding you down.” Dealing with the symptoms of anticipatory grief gets harder with each passing day.

One thing you can do is give yourself permission to cry. Tears are an emotional release, according to Jeffrey A. Kottler, author of “The Language of Tears.” He thinks crying brings people together. When you cry and share your story with others, they share their stories with you.

According to author Harriet Hodgson, you may compile a support list. Put contact names, phone numbers, and email addresses on your list. Add anticipatory grief “prescriptions” to your list, things like a daily walking group, half-day cooking class, or book club meeting.

Hodgson goes on to explain that anticipatory grief symptoms are a big deal. Handling these symptoms is one of the best deals you’ll ever make with yourself. The things you learn today will brighten your tomorrows.

FOR: RESOURCES FOR HOSPICE CARE

How To Cope With Grief During The Holidays

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Mourning’s Not Predictable

Mourning the loss of a loved one is not orderly or predictable, you will address the following needs when you are ready & will prepare you to take action on healing your broken heart.

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- Accept the reality of the death
- Allow yourself to feel the pain & sorrow of the loss
- Allow yourself to openly remember & honor the person who died
- In time, develop a new identity
- Search for meaning in your life going forward
- Always let people in to help you during this time and always

with love, inspiration & hope

JoAnne Funch, Founder

P.S.  Do you need help? Need someone to walk you through the next steps in your grief journey?

I offer private consulting and small group workshops.  email me for details. joanne@heartachetohealing.com

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Death of a Sibling

Dealing with death is an experience that is an individual as we are. We all will walk the journey through losing a Father, Mother, Grandparent, Spouse, Child and Sibling.  I want to share the following article about a personal perspective on dealing with the death of a sibling.

The Unique Nature of Sibling Loss – A Personal Perspective

By Tabitha Jayne Cameron

I can still remember the call that told me my younger brother was dead. It was from my grandmother. Funnily enough I’d been contemplating that my grandparents were getting old and that I needed to prepare myself for their death. I never expected that I would receive a call from them to tell me that my brother had crashed his car into a lamp post on the way home from a concert and was killed immediately. He was 17 – I was 22.

The death of a sibling is strange. Everyone asks how your parents and their partner are but everyone seems to forget about you. It’s as if you are not important. Your role is there to provide support to everyone else. Somehow it didn’t surprise me when I went looking for information on the internet and found that siblings were known as the “forgotten mourners”.

The relationship between siblings is unique. There is no-one else in the world that you have such a love-hate relationship with. I know that I would curse my brother harshly but if anyone else did, then I would attack them for it. Siblings have a right that no-one else has. It means that you can show your worst to them and know that they will still forgive you afterwards and speak to you like nothing was wrong.

Some people attibute this gift to parents too. Yet it is different. As a sibling you are allowed to know hidden activitives, beliefs, attitudes and dreams that are never shared with parents. As your sibling grows older this perspective can be transferred to partners but siblings seem to share the most information.

When you lose a sibling you also lose your identity. Your sibling has always been part of your life. They have helped define who you are and your role within the family. It leads you to question who you are and what your life purpose is.

If you are younger like myself, you also lose the chance to develop a relationship based on friendship with someone who has known you their whole life. I know that my relationship with my brother was changing as he died. Although he was my younger brother, his wisdom at times made him appear to be my older brother. I was grateful for someone who was looking out for me. And I was so angry that this had been taken away from me. I was also angry that I would never see him get married, have children or grow old so I could tease him about how ugly he was getting.

Your sibling is also your peer so it leads you to question your own mortality. It also leads you to question why them and not me. In my attempt to make sense of this question I moved into the realm of helping others affected by loss transform grief, find peace and feel more positive about the future. It was my way of justifying my brother’s death.

It’s now been over 8 years since my brother died and I am at peace with it. It’s ok that I’ll never fight with him again or hug and make up. It’s ok that I’ll never know what man he would have grown into. I still think about him every day and I talk to him a lot. I’ve created a new relationship with him that continues on after death. After all, he is my brother and always will be. Not even death can take that away from me.

Tabitha works as a grief & transition coach in Europe.

Contact me for a free 30 minute consulation.

Tel: (0044) 208 1234 919

Skype: tabi.cameron

Email: transformlossandlearntolive@gmail.com

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Healing Grief Includes Rest

Healing through grief includes getting alot of rest and actually is a good practice for all of us living in these crazy and unsettled times.   Following a significant death we are often anxious and our natural instinct to worry about the unfinished or unknown business looms large.   Remaining calm is great in theory but to practice this when your life has been forever shattered and changed isn’t easy.

I suggest to start by making a list of ways you can take time everyday for some extra rest, perhaps that might me sending the kids to the neighbors for a hour so you can take a nap, or scheduling an hour at the end of the day just to take a walk, breathe and let go of your worries for just that hour.  Also remind yourself that somethings are just out of your hands and so letting thoughts of worry go and intentionally making time to rest your weary mind and body is essential to your future well being. Continue reading “Healing Grief Includes Rest” »

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Telling Your Grief Story Without Turning Off Listeners

Every mourner has a story to share. You may share your story with family members, close friends, and community groups. But you need to share it without upsetting listeners so much they turn you off. How can you do this?

I have shared my story of multiple losses with many groups and take a “then and now” approach. It begins with the darkness of multiple losses, moves on to coping, doing my grief work, and the new life I am living today. You may take a similar approach.

Jenna Baddeley offers some tips in her “Psychology Today” website article, “Speaking of Grief: Tips for Grievers, Friends and Family on Talking About Loss.” Mourners are eager to share their stories, but society is not eager to hear them. “Weeks or months after a loss, grievers are expected to have rejoined ordinary life,” she writes.

According to Baddeley, listeners are more comfortable with negative emotion if it is in the past and the person has moved on to something better. Your grief may not be safely in the past, yet you may still share your life experience. In fact, I encourage you to do so. Keep these points in mind as you tell your story.

1. Avoid the rehash trap.

Telling a negative story again and again does not help you and does not help listeners. Grief is a sad story, to be sure, but it can become a story of resilience. You cannot control life events, but you can control your response to them. People appreciate my story because I have created a happy ending.

2. Observe body language.

Look for shifting positions and drastic changes in facial expressions. When you speak to a large group there is always someone sleeping in the back. I look for that person, and the instant I see drooping eyelids, perk up the pace of my delivery and/or tell a story to illustrate a point.

A person that moves away from you is a person who is uncomfortable with your story.

3. Add a dash of humor.

Life was not funny in 2007 when I lost four loved ones. I thought I would never laugh again and you may feel th same way. Thankfully, humans are meant to laugh, and as the months pass, your humor will return. I use humor to educate listeners about loss and grief. After a recent talk to a support group a woman came up to me and said, “Thank you for your funny stories and your smile.”

4. Limit details.

It is not necessary to cite every detail to get your story across. Death is painful enough, without adding suffering, blood, and gore. State the cause of death quickly and in one sentence, if possible. I say my daughter died from the injuries she received in a car crash and leave it at that.

5. Share coping tips.

Journaling is one of my best tips and I have developed a talk about it. What is working for you? Why is it working? Share these insights with others. You have a story to tell and can tell it in ways that help others.

Copyright 2010 by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson has been an independent journalist for 30+ years. She is a member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, Association of Health Care Journalists, and Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD is available from Amazon.

http://www.harriethodgson.com

Centering Corporation has published her 26th book, “Writing to Recover: The Journey from Loss and Grief to a New Life” and a companion journal with 100 writing jump-starts. Hodgson is a monthly columnist for the new “Caregiving in America” magazine, which resumes publication in August. She is also a contributing writer for the Open to Hope Foundation website. Please visit Harriet’s website and learn more about this busy author and grandmother.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Harriet_Hodgson

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Loss of Spouse – Ageless

Tonight I had dinner with my 80 year old father and during dinner I asked him if it seemed like five years since Mom died, he shook his head and replied “No, not really, seems like it was much more recent.” There is a strange phenomenon that happens when you lose someone significant in your life, in this case grieving a spouse – its almost as if time stands still. We remember with great clarity how our life “used to be.”  During dinner I teased Dad about eating all of his vegetables and that I bet Mom was looking down to make sure that he was!  He laughed and agreed. He went on to say “I don’t eat as good as I should, Mom used to be sure I ate salads and the other vegetables”, I just nodded my head in agreement and knew that this strong, smart, articulate man who ran a successful business for 35 years didn’t know much about cooking let alone nutrition.  The loss of a spouse is life changing regardless of age or gender, we simply have lost one half of who we were and are faced with the challenge of finding a new normal alone.

Here are a few things to consider if you have lost a spouse;

• The change of being alone will take time to get used to, you may struggle with redefining who you are now, who you are without your partner and give yourself time to re-develop and remember who you are and who you were before you met your spouse.
• Remember you can and will exist alone, just as my Dad has had to learn to live without my Mom preparing his meals and providing a balanced diet, he now relies on other sources.
• Allow your family to be there for you, accept their love and support
• Maybe it’s time to reconnect to and old friend or colleague and renew a friendship if you are seeking companionship
• Sometimes long after the death, something simple like a picture, a sound or smell reminds you of your spouse and it brings on what is called a “griefburst” – allow yourself those feelings without judgement no matter where it occurs.
• Losing a spouse can happen at any age, it is sometimes helpful to remember some childlike behaviors to lighten up a little. Remember how children live in the moment and in wonder, so do something childish once in awhile – I guarantee it will lighten your load.

Have you read “Heartache To Healing, My Journey Through The Grieving Process” – it’s a book of practical ideas to help you, give you comfort and inspire you to better days ahead. For more info CLICK HERE

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Losing Mother

Losing a mother is a significant loss that we all will experience.  My Mom went to heaven May 18th, 2005 and as I approach the anniversary of her death as well as Mother’s Day I am  sad that she is gone and I am reminiscent over what a wonderful Mom she was.  When I sit quietly with my eyes closed I can smell her favorite perfume (which was Opium) and I can see her smile and almost feel her soft hands.

I don’t cry as much as I used to since she died rather I remember her love of the written word, her adoration of animals and her witty sense of humor.  She taught me to be strong, independent and to be a good steward in my community.  She encouraged me to follow my dreams and to stand up for what I believed.  So even though my mother isn’t here physically she is with me everyday.

If your mother has passed recently, you most likely still feel the ache and great sadness of your loss – that hole in your heart that you think will never be filled.  But Sunday is for honoring mother.  Honor your mother in spirit and honor mother’s still with us.

If you are a mother who has lost a child, remember you will always be a mother and even if your spirit is broken from your loss, your child’s memory with be honored and remembered always.

If you find this holiday difficult, please read my “Tips to Survive Anniversaries Following A Death“

“M” is for the million things she gave me,
“O” means only that she’s growing old,
“T” is for the tears she shed to save me,
“H” is for her heart of purest gold;
“E” is for her eyes, with love-light shining,
“R” means right, and right she’ll always be,
Put them all together, they spell “Mother,”
A word that means the world to me.

~ Howard Johnson

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Grief Triggers Won’t Get You Down When You Have a Response Plan to Lift You Up

By Harriet Hodgson

Grief triggers – your deceased loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of your loss, and holiday festivities – are a recovery challenge. How will you respond? Will you continue to move forward with life or will the grief trigger stop you in your tracks? Worse, will you go backwards?

I ask these questions when I encounter grief triggers. Tuesday of this week was the third anniversary of my daughter’s death. Though I was not sure how I would respond, I knew the day would be hard. So I pulled myself together, revised my response plan, and used it.

First, I looked on the calendar for other grief triggers. No holidays were listed, thank goodness, nor were any birthdays. Still, I was worried about the third anniversary and shared my feelings with my husband. “We will get through it,” he said, “just like we have gotten through everything else.”

Evaluating my mental health came next. Usually I am an upbeat person, but after losing four family members in 2007 I was susceptible to situational depression – discouraging feelings caused by a life event. These multiple losses, especially my daughter’s death, knocked me down. But I tackled my grief work and continued to do it. All things considered, I thought my mental health was good.

Then I checked my support system and it was wobbly. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law, the mainstays of my system, had moved to Wisconsin. Other family members were moving to Wisconsin, too, and I felt abandoned. Who would I call in an emergency? The question bothered me and it has bothered some of my friends. In fact, we talked about this at a recent brunch.

One friend, who is a widow, described a frightening experience. “I didn’t know who to call,” she admitted. “It is hard when you live alone.”

“You can call me,” another friend replied. “We have to do this for each other at this time of life.” What a wise comment. I told my friend that she could call my husband and me as well.

When the anniversary of my daughter’s death came I was prepared. I let myself cry and then turned to the coping method that works best for me, writing. I wrote an article about my conflicting feelings, sadness at the death of a child, and satisfaction in raising my twin grandchildren. You may prepare for grief triggers by revising your response plan or creating a new one.

Your grief trigger response plan is like a protective shield. You feel the blow, shake it off, and return to living your life. Grief response plans can be revised to meet new situations and triggers. That is good news for you and all who love you.

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Copyright 2010 by Harriet Hodgson http://www.harriethodgson.com

Harriet Hodgson has been an independent journalist for decades. She is a member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, Association of Health Care Journalists, and Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD is available from Amazon.

Centering Corporation has published her 26th book, “Writing to Recover: The Journey from Loss and Grief to a New Life” and a companion journal with 100 writing prompts. Hodgson is a montly columnist for “Caregiving in America” magazine. Please visit her website and learn more about this busy author and grandmother.

Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?Grief-Triggers-Wont-Get-You-Down-When-You-Have-a-Response-Plan-to-Lift-You-Up&id=3829088] Grief Triggers Won’t Get You Down When You Have a Response Plan to Lift You Up

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Birth, Death & Inspiration

I asked Kevin McNamara to share a little of his story of the death of his daughter because we so often don’t hear from men and the feelings associated with grief.  Please take a few minutes to read the story and check out the good work he is now doing on his website listed below.

Birth, Death & Inspiration By Kevin McNamara

Holly Maree McNamara, was born on the 20^th August, 1988 at the Dandenong Valley Private Hospital in Melbourne, Australia. Holly died on the 18^th of January, 1989. She died from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (S.I.D.S). Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is also known as cot death. She was five-months-old. She was beautiful.

SIDS is described as being: ‘Sudden death of any infant or child which is unexpected by history and in which a thorough post-mortem examination fails to demonstrate an adequate cause of death’.

My own description of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome is this: ‘My beautiful five month old daughter Holly stopped breathing and died for reasons unknown to any living human being.’

Losing a child is one of the hardest things any parent will have to go through. Writing about it is even harder.

When Holly died my whole physical body shut down. It was like a brick wall had been placed around my emotions. I couldn’t cry, even at her funeral. I was just numb. It was a sad and depressing time.

It took much soul searching to come to terms with her death.

I started reading books and attending seminars on self development. I became a self development junkie. I had a realisation one day that I had a choice. I could either go down the road of the victim and blame everybody else for my miserable life or I could choose the road less travelled, the road where I took responsibility for my own life and my own decisions. It is easy to blame others and be miserable and get family and friends to feel sorry for you. But that wasn’t for me.

I was becoming inspired by the books I was reading. People like Dr Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle had a message to pass on. They were inspiring others to become the best they could be. They were helping other people. They were changing lives. They were changing mine.

I had always been fascinated by people who meditated and I was dabbling in that as well. Over time it became obvious to me that meditation, inspiring others and writing a book about my experience was what I had to do. I had my own message to pass on. I had been through my ‘dark night of the soul’ and had survived and thrived. I had found my life purpose.

Here are three tips I give people who are struggling in their lives:

1. Start a journal. Write down all your feelings and emotions about your circumstances. While your negative emotions are living inside you they have nowhere to go. They are actually doing damage to your body and causing disease. When you write things down it gives them an outlet. You are transferring those emotions through your fingers to the written page. It is a great release for your body and mind. It can be a very cathartic experience.
2. Serve others. When we start helping other people we start to focus away from our own situation and start looking at how we can assist other people. Giving of yourself is the best gift a person can receive. Join a local community association, volunteer to help out at the local Salvation Army store or any local charity shop, help out at your local hospital, start a fundraising campaign for a worthy cause. Help others and you help yourself.
3. Meditate. All man’s troubles could be eased by simply meditating for 10 minutes every day. The result of meditation is peace. The way to that peace is finding out who you really are. When we meditate and go deep within ourselves we find the inner peace and love that is our true self. My meditation is now part of my lifestyle. Twice a day, morning and night. It has changed my life and will change yours.

Click HERE for Kevin’s site

Do you need support on your grief journey from someone who understands? Check out upcoming class and coaching. click here

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Attainable and Measurable Goals Are Part of the Grief Journey

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