How Long Should You Tell Your Grief Story?
by JoAnne
Filed under HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH GRIEF
By Harriet Hodgson
Last week my husband and I went to a holiday party. We enjoyed the food, piano music, and visiting with friends. As we prepared to leave, a friend asked what I was doing these days. When I told her we were raising our twin grandchildren because their parents had died in separate car crashes, her jaw dropped.
“That’s unbelievable,” she said.
Another person overheard our conversation and was obviously uncomfortable with my honesty. This is not the first time this has happened. Years ago I had a similar experience. I answered a question honestly and a guest commented, “Please don’t spoil the party.” She was partially right. There is a time and place to tell your story, but sometimes you tell it because you are surprised or caught off guard.
You have a story to tell. But Vamik D. Vokan, MD and Elizabeth Zintl, in their book “Life After Loss,” say the American culture prohibits the expression of grief. “We are a culture of death deniers,” they write. Death deniers, which may include family members and friends, do not want any connection with your pain. Yet you must tell your story in order to cope, do your grief work, and create a new life.
Grief changes you forever. Not telling your story is to deny your identity and life experience. Though you are temporarily lost in the darkness, telling your story helps you find your way through grief. At least, that is my experience after losing four loved ones in nine months. If you are like me, you may have wondered how long you should tell your story.
Tell your story until you can do it without sobbing. In other words, you are starting to accept loss. Judith Viorst writes about this in her book, “Necessary Losses.” Some mourn quietly, she explains, while others mourn vocally. We experience terror, tears, and terrible emotions. “In our own different ways, having managed someow to work our way thorugh our confrontations and unacceptable losses, we can begin to come to the end of mourning.”
Tell your story until you can idenfity feelings. Repeating your story will help you identify confusion, anger, frustration, and stress. You may also recognize feelings of aloneness and abandonment. I didn’t realize how worried I was about money until I wrote an article about tracking down my deceased daughter’s assets. Getting feelings out in the open helps you cope with them.
Tell your story until it gets shorter. Your story will change over time. Though it still includes the basics — cause of death, memorial service, secondary losses, and other facts — you start to condense your story. Surprising as it seems now, the time will come when you can summarize your story in a few sentences. This is a sign of reconciliation.
Tell your story until you start to see progress. Humor may start to creep back into your story. The results of your grief work become apparent. You may use more positive words. Repeating your story will help you reinvent yourself. Today, I give talks about grief to help others. How long should you tell your story? As long as you need to, and then hold it close to your heart.
Copyright 2009 by Harriet Hodgson http://www.harriethodgson.com
Harriet Hodgson has been an independent journalists for decades. She is a member of the American Society of Journalists and Authors, Association of Health Care Journalists, and Association for Death Education and Counseling. Her 24th book, “Smiling Through Your Tears: Anticipating Grief,” written with Lois Krahn, MD, is available from Amazon.
Centering Corporation has published her 26th book, “Writing to Recover: The Journey from Loss and Grief to a New Life” and a companion journal with 100 writing prompts. Please visit Harriet’s website and learn more about this busy author and grandmother.
Article Source: [http://EzineArticles.com/?How-Long-Should-You-Tell-Your-Grief-Story?&id=3460063] How Long Should You Tell Your Grief Story?
How did you cope the first year of grief?
by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
I recently sent out an email letting you know that you can help others who will be grieving a loss of their loved one by sharing your tips for surviving the first year of grief in a new book called “Grief’s First Year.”
The first year of grief seems to be the toughest to get through according to all of you who I hear from on the Heartache To Healing site. We can help those new to grief by sharing what we learned to survive the first year.
Submit your short story of tips that you think will benefit someone else who might experience a similar loss to yours.
When you submit your story, include your name, name of the deceased you might be referring to in your story and your relationship to that person. Be sure to include your contact information so I can get in touch with you. Please send your tips to me by January 30th.
EMAIL ME: joanne@heartachetohealing.com
If you are unsure of what to write, let me share a recent submission;
My name is Anne, and my husband, JB, died suddenly of a stroke at the age of 43 in August 2003. We have 4 children, who at the time, ranged in age from 3 to 10. I had always thought that if something ever happened to JB, I too, would die. But somehow, every morning I woke up and found myself still breathing. And with 4 kids who really needed me I was able to get up, make their breakfast, and get them off to school. I was going through the motions, but that’s o.k. That’s how it starts.
It definitely wasn’t easy. But I discovered a lot of things. One, let people help you – now’s not the time to do it all yourself or be too prideful to accept help. Friends and family can’t bring your loved one back, but they can make your life a little easier. LET THEM! It helps them as much as it helps you. Even if it’s something you can do yourself, accept their offer graciously. I had meals brought to me every day for 3 months. Could I have done it on my own? Yes. Did it help knowing I didn’t have to figure out dinner every day? You bet.
Keep your life as routine as you possibly can. I was lucky enough to have some life insurance, so we were able to keep the house and I was able to continue staying home with the kids. They only missed a couple of days of school, and then they started back in their routine. It wasn’t long before we were signing up for sports and other activities. It helped all of us to get back to our life.
Get some counseling for you and the children. Our city has a wonderful (and free) grief support group geared toward the children. It helped them see they weren’t alone, and to begin expressing their feelings about their loss. It was also incredibly helpful for me to have time with others who were going through the same thing as me.
Establish traditions to remember your loved one. On JB’s birthday, the kids and I write a message to him on balloons and them release them to heaven. We go to his favorite restaurant on the anniversary of his death and raise a toast to his life. It seems to help all of us on these otherwise tough days.
Do what you can to take care of yourself. Get plenty of rest, go for a walk, take up your friend’s offer to go out to lunch, get your hair done. For me, this was never the life I had imagined for myself or my kids, but I’ve tried to make our lives as normal as possible. Eventually, you’ll establish a new “normal”. It’s not the same, but it’s good.
Always with love, inspiration & hope
JoAnne Funch
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Let’s Hang To What We’ve Got
by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
Today I heard this old song on the radio by Frankie Valli -”Let’s Hang On”
Let’s hang on to what we’ve got
Don’t let go girl we’ve got a lot
Got a lot of love between us
Hang on hang on hang on
To what we’ve got
and the song reminded me that despite our losses and grief, we need to remember to hold on to the love and people we do have in our lives. It’s easy to fall into the self-pity trap, I know this trap very well, been there a few times!
During the holiday season and other dates of significance we tend to fall into that trap and I’m just suggesting you too remember to hold on to what you’ve got – children, a loving spouse, parents and loyal friendships. These are the people who continue to sustain us through life’s difficult times and are there to celebrate life’s joyous times.
So…Let’s Hang On To What We Got
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How Will You Cope With Grief This Holiday Season?
by JoAnne
Filed under HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH GRIEF
We’re into the holiday season, we see all the ads on TV for all the latest and greatest products and sales, and the social activities are being planned. If you are grieving the death of a loved one, you might not be feeling very festive and jolly, in fact you might be more like Scrooge – ho hum bug, wondering how will you cope? Continue reading “How Will You Cope With Grief This Holiday Season?” »
Grief, Healing & Resilience Spoken At Women’s Conference
by JoAnne
Filed under death, HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH GRIEF
The annual California Women’s Conference broke some barriers this week by having a panel discussion about grief and the resilience it takes to walk through and heal. Continue reading “Grief, Healing & Resilience Spoken At Women’s Conference” »
What Can Faith Do to Heal Your Grief?
by JoAnne
Filed under SPIRITUAL HEALING
I talk with people about their losses all the time and it seems evident to me that more often than not it is ones faith that see’s them through their darkest, most difficult times. Continue reading “What Can Faith Do to Heal Your Grief?” »
Grieving Changes – Breast Cancer & Widows
by JoAnne
Filed under grief, GRIEF SUPPORT
October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and I bet everyone reading this has been touched by this insidious disease, either personally or through a friend or relative. Breast cancer is one of those few cancers that can leave a woman disfigured, leaving her often grieving how her body used to look and how she used to feel as a woman.
She grieves in many of the same ways as I have as a widow. I grieved for a life I used to have and was forced to find a new normal, so does she.
A woman with breast cancer often wonders how she will handle dating, sex and her self esteem, again similar stages of grief that a widow faces.
Often a woman with cancer will have daily reminders after her treatment ends of her loss – her loss of hair and often her breasts, a widow has reminders of her loss seeing pictures of her partner on every shelf reminders of a life gone by.
Both cancer patients and those of us grieving loss are faced everyday with the fear of what the next day, week or month will bring during the grieving and healing process.
During this month of awareness I recognize that loss and that grief come in many different forms and a thought I wanted to share with you.
Loss and grief surrounds us everyday, perhaps this awareness will make each of us more compassionate & hopeful with those who grieve loss in whatever form it takes.
I met a beautiful woman named Stephanie Sowder last week who has a line of butterfly jewelry to honor and support those whose lives are touched by cancer. The butterfly is a symbol of life. If interested you can check it out here: www.butterflyoflife.com
Grey’s Anatomy Faces Grief
by JoAnne
Filed under HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH GRIEF
I don’t know if you watched the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy last Thursday, if not I’m sure you can watch the replay online.
It was a wonderful episode on how individual the grieving process is for everyone. Many of the characters went through disbelief, denial, anger and even laughter. I don’t think the episode ended in acceptance because that takes time and my hope is that the series writers will continue to shine a light on the grief journey the characters will continue to experience and how their lives will be changed.
As you and I well know, this journey takes time and the experience isn’t the same for any of us. Our grief is different depending on the relationship we shared with the person who passed as well as other factors. I bring up this episode because I am thrilled that grief was talked about so openly, and I hope it will encourage both the mourners and the supports to speak openly about death and the grieving process rather than sweep it under a carpet as our society is so quick to do.
Unfortunately our society in general wants us to buck up and get over it! Isn’t it ironic that we give 6 to 8 weeks paid family leave following the birth of a child but in the case of a close family members death, our employers might give us a couple of days off for a funeral , and family leave often leaves grievers out in the cold to deal with their grief on their own time.
If any of you watched the episode, would love to read your coments on how they handled the topic of grief.
No Need to Grieve Alone
by JoAnne
Filed under GRIEF SUPPORT
JoAnne, Linda, Pam
Last week my friend Pam was faced with the two year anniversary of her husband Denny’s death and she didn’t want to do it alone. She had asked our mutual friend Linda and myself to accompany her to light a candle at church in his memory and to share a meal with her which we did to celebrate Denny’s life.
I was proud of Pam for asking for what she needed, and that was the support of friends who understood her loss, which both Linda and I did after losing our significant others and to not be alone.
Often grief can be isolating and we feel like we have to cry and grieve alone. If you are reading this and grieving loss you will understand when I say that after a relatively short period of public mourning most people think you should have gotten over it and moved on and can’t imagine why you would be grieving two years later. Those of us on this journey through grief know this is not true. Grief takes time and grief takes work, grief can be a roller coaster of emotions and no one knows this journey until they reach it themselves.
“One of the most important factors in healing from loss is having the support of other people, sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone.”
Pam, Linda and I became friends as a result of our losses. We have been able to support one another because our losses were all years apart and our stages of grief have been different. We are able to share, support and provide strength and hope for the future.
If you are unable to find your own support group whether it be a professional grief group or group of family or friends, here are some links that may offer help;
Widow Match
Grief Share
Thoughts on Change
by JoAnne
Filed under HOPE and INSPIRATION
This week while riding my bike I got to thinking about the word change and how it affects all of us who grieve loss.
Change is inevitable, just as death is an inevitable part of life, but as I rode on through the beautiful bike trails around my home I wondered how do we accept or embrace change when it isn’t a change we ever wanted and in some cases change we didn’t expect to happen?
Here are a few thoughts I came up with;
- we usually sit in fear of the unknown, which is when the change is unexpected or unwanted (surrender to the unknown, even if you have to force yourself)
- fear can paralyze us from moving (so do what you know how to do today and tomorrow the next step will be given)
- change is uncomfortable (so breathe your way through it, yes lots of deep breaths, be conscience of letting go of fear)
- Surrender to the fear, doubt and change ( out of surrender will come grace & a new you)
- Sometimes change just requires some faith in knowing everything will be alright (this doesn’t mean you forget, faith just asks that we believe in something greater than ourselves and our fear)
“Life is change – Growth is optional – Choose Wisely.” – Karen Kaiser Clark
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