When An Ex-Spouse Dies

This past week one of my dearest friends told me her ex-husband had died.   She expressed her deep grief and told me that other friends wondered why she was experiencing such grief when they were divorced?

We grieve because we love, simple as that.  Think about people you don’t know personally that died. You feel bad for the family, but because you don’t know the person who died it doesn’t effect you.

We love people throughout our life regardless of how a relationship ends. When we grieve the loss of a marriage from divorce, we also grieve loss of the future and loss of a life partner.   So when an ex-spouse dies it is normal to grieve the loss.  In either case, we grieve what might have been.

Just as people feel grief differently, they also deal with it differently.  My friend felt as if she couldn’t mourn outwardly the sadness she felt, but I have encouraged her to share with me some good memories of the times they had together and to acknowledge that his life mattered and the time they were together mattered.

Often when I talk with those grieving a death, it is of utmost importance  to know their loved ones life mattered and one way we can be supportive is to talk about the person who died, share memories and be willing to speak their name.  If there are children involved, keeping positive memories alive often helps children to know that it’s okay to talk about their parent and share their feelings.  I don’t think divorce should define who we loved and who and how we grieve.

If you have and ex-spouse that died, please share your experience in the comments section below, I’d love to hear learn more about what you are feeling. – JoAnne


404 Responses to When An Ex-Spouse Dies

  • We buried my ex husband yesterday. The grief and pain is more than I could have imagined. We married when I was 20 and he was 35, it did not work out, i have guilt about that, but we remained friends for the last 12 years. Neither of us had remarried and I retained his last name…I feel absolutely horrible about having this meltdown and that my current significant other has to barr witness to my emotional state and me crying over another man…I dont understand why I feel the way I do and feel like I’m losing my mind…I’m glad I’m not alone…when I got to the funeral home yesterday, my best girlfriend from that time period happened to be in the parking lot, if it had not been for her I dont think I could have even gone in…when I got inside and saw him, It was like a kick in the chest…it hit me,the man I thought would always be there for me, was gone.. It hurts like hell and I feel like I have no one to talk to because people seem to think it’s not my grief to bare..Death is so finale, ther is no bargaining to bring them back death does not discriminate and will eventually take us all, but yes in death there still seems to be an invisible tie that binds us to the ones we have loved…

  • I married my ex husband at age 16 with our 1st child the way . He was just 17. We stayed married for 8 yrs and had another child during that time. Out of the 8 yrs we were on again off again because he drank and did drugs and it was abusive throughout our entire marriage.

    I finally found the courage to end it for good. Our two girls were age 8 and 4 when the marriage ended. It was a messy divorce and all these years later he and I rarely spoke. His drug and drinking continued and his reckless lifestyle battered his body over the yrs to the point he is in hospice care with the end near.

    I went on to marry wonderful man 4 yrs after my divorce in 1986 and am still happily married in spite of all the crap my ex put us through over the early years of our marriage over support and visitation etc or should I say lack thereof!

    Our girls are now grown with families of their own. My youngest who was only 4 when we divorced didn’t have a relationship with her dad and now grown lives in the USA but our oldest child maintained a relationship with him which I felt was not good on lots of levels due to his drinking and drugging.

    I think she felt she needed to babysit him so to speak and also that she could change him and make him better which no one could do that but him and he chose the drugs and booze over anything else which landed him in hospice.

    I told my oldest daughter I couldn’t be there for her going through this terrible time with her dad now due to his and mine volatile history and that it just wouldn’t be morally right for me to….well she got so angry with me and now wont even talk to me.

    I am not going to be a hypocrite over this and as far as I am concerned as cold as it may sound she needs to understand my point of view over this turn of events. She lived the marriage to her father and she was old enough to know it was anything but good for any of us living that way!! She has always pitted us against one another over the yrs and I guess she has decided to do it one last time.

    I know she is grieving her fathers pending death and is also the only person who is really there for him in his final moments on this earth . Her sister living in the USA isn’t coming back to CA she told me that herself but she is using social media to stay in contact with her sister and has facetimed her father a couple times .

    She told me she did that for herself more then for him as she needed to make peace and be ok with the outcome ! I know he is her father and she loves him but he was not there for her growing up her step dad ( my husband of almost 40 yrs ) has been. We even offered her a plane ticket back here but she declined. We understand but I am not so such her sister does!!

    If anyone else has been where I am and find their ex husband dying in hospice and endured a really bad marriage and never had a post divorce relationship with the ex where there are children involved… what is the proper thing to do . I feel terrible that I can not be by my daughters side as she goes through this with her father but I just feel its not my place …he has no partner there for him its just my daughter. This has like I mentioned really hurt my daughter by me telling her I can not be there in the way she may feel I should be and I am not going to put strain on my marriage over this either !! I have reached out a few times to my daughter since her dad entered hospice but she has basically threw me away over all of this . I feel so sad and I feel like a bad mom ! Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thanks in advance.

  • My ex-husband died last summer, quite unexpectedly at only age 57. The week before, he had visited his daughter and ran 10 miles, as he was training for a marathon. No issues during that weekend, but within three days, he was gone. My stepdaughter called me in tears and I could not believe what she was saying.

    Although we were divorced, we remained friends and usually went for dinner together when we were both in the same town. I went to the funeral and, somewhat oddly, found myself treated as family by his siblings, who had pretty much disengaged after the divorce. (This was unlike how they treated his girlfriend, who many of us blame in part for his death, at least due to negligence, but there is a longer story behind that.)

    Thankfully, his daughter and I have remained close, as we did through the past years after he and I divorced. In fact, I’m invited to her graduation this year. But I do still cry and mourn his absence often and wish he was still here. One thing that haunts me is that both my stepdaughter and her mom believe that if he and I had stayed together, he might still be alive because I wouldn’t have delayed forcing him to meet with a doctor to address the symptoms he was having, which his girlfriend ignored… another longer story as to how we know this. I miss him, especially when I return to the area where he lived, which I do often, and automatically think of contacting him for dinner.

  • My ex husband past on 1/21/2020 we have been divorced for 20 plus years, but it was as if someone ripped my heart out and stomped on it. We have a beautiful daughter and two beautiful granddaughters, one of which was born the day he past. I have been searching for some outlet to help me through the grief. It comes in waves. One minute I am thankful that I have my current husband and that we have been married for 19 years. Yet I feel like I am being selfish for feeling that way. The next minute I am so overtaken by pain that starts in my chest and my whole body just aches. The services were this past weekend. I spent a lot of time on the fence about whether or not I should go as I did not want to disrespect his wife. They had only been married 4 years but I know he loved her with all his heart. I did not want to hurt my daughter or his family either. But I felt as though I needed closure also. I felt if I did not go I was disrespecting him and I am so glad I went. I reconnected with so many people that I had not seen in years. I will never get over this loss I know. He will forever be with me. RIP SLF 8/16/74-1/21/2020 I will Always Love You

  • @Carl Taylor thanks for sharing such a lovely tribute! JoAnne

  • I just buried my ex-wife last week. We had five kids together over the span of a ten year marriage. We wetre young and made a lot of mistakes, but grew to be close friends over the years. I loved her deeply. I eulogized heart the service and it would be very healing for me if I could post what I said about her here. Maybe it can help someone else:

    My name is Carl Taylor and I am Dee’s Ex-husband.
    It may seem odd that an ex-husband would be standing here eulogizing Dee… It feels odd, as never in life did I picture a planet without Dee on it. She was …my family.
    Dee was the baby of her family. You wouldn’t have known this by her personality, as she grew to be the bossiest person in the group. To know Dee was to know her opinion… and she would give it to you straight… no chaser. But if you knew Dee, then you also knew that if she took the time to give you her opinion, it was because she… CARED about you. She wanted to understand where you were coming from so you understood where SHE was coming from. She wanted you to know that she was… your friend… that she was your family
    Nothing was more important to Dee than family. She loved all of you. She never missed the chance to brag on a new birth, a graduation, or just some anecdotal story she heard from a sibling. She enjoyed surrounding herself with people she loved. I have five children with Dee, but she adopted dozens more. There are a bunch of you here now that called her “Mom”, and I know she adored each of you for that. She was more than just…your friend… She was your family
    In both life and her transition, Dee was a role model. When Dee decided that something needed to be done… she did it! When she said she felt like she needed her degree, she went out and got it! When she felt that it was time to explore new parts of the country, she went and did it. And when she received her diagnosis, she faced it. She was brave enough to assess everything and rely on the strength and faith of … her friends… her family
    This is not to say she didn’t have her fears. I remember when our pastor visited her as she lay bedridden and he asked her “are you afraid”? She responded that she was. She felt things were progressing too fast and she wouldn’t have enough time. She worried about leaving behind her children, She worried about what comes next for her. But mostly, she worried about you. She worried that this moment may be too hard on us…especially those that may find faith difficult after dealing with this heartbreak. So If I may, for those of us who may be suffering a crisis of faith, let me just say that if it is hard to believe in God right now… thats ok…because He believes in you. Dee had faith, but said she would miss you… her friends…. Her family.
    This family has never had a problem hearing the voices of loved ones who have passed into the infinite. Dea’s voice will always be prominent. As I matter of fact, if I were to hear her now she would probably be telling me to “hurry up and finish, Carl”.
    But Dee left us with something extra. She ensured her immortality within her children. She embodied them with a very special gift. I saw this manifest as she watched the five of them interact together this past Christmas holiday. The look of pride and satisfaction on her face was beautiful. And as I watched them all, I learned the lesson, I saw what she saw. That wherever Dea’s children are gathered…that is where Dea will be. If ever one of you beloved individuals find Dea’s voice muffled, or hard to hear, reach out to them. They were Dea’s heart. They are the representation of her soul. They are your “hot line” to Dee’s spirit.
    So, at the end of this, I am grateful. I thank God that Dee had family like you in her life. I am thankful that for Dee, it isn’t about how long she lived, but how well. I appreciate the love that Dee found with Will Miller and the adventure they shared. I am so very thankful to Dee that she chose me as a partner in the biggest undertaking either of us will ever be a part of… the raising to adulthood of our five children. I don’t know how to be a parent without you, Dee… But I promise to try as best I can… and I have help… I have our family.

  • I found out through a google search my ex of 10 years died. It was so strange, we were together 6-7 years and married young, the marriage was a mistake and we split shortly after but not before I got pregnant and then lost the baby. After we split he just disappeared, I never saw or heard from him – even on our divorce papers (that I filed and paid for) he showed up as ‘no known address/representative’. I was 23 and he was 24 when we married. I always hoped sometime in the future we could meet and talk and just come to peace with the past we shared. Every so often I would search his name or even a few times I tried to call his number I had for him (he’d changed it) this past time a few weeks ago I searched him and found his obituary- I found out he had died over 4 months ago at the age of 34 and all it said was ‘unexpectedly’. I was shocked, and now I’m so confused about how I’m feeling, we had be apart for so long and didn’t actually have a child together. I feel bad for the negative feelings I had to him over the years and this sudden motivation to finish the healing I never was able to do all these years. I’m so thankful to find this post and hear from others their stories. It’s comforting to know it is normal to grieve someone you once loved no matter how long ago or how you parted ways.

  • @Arthur thank you for sharing your story. It is amazing the emotions that get stirred even after all those years. – JoAnne

  • I want to start out by thanking you for leaving this forum open for all these years. It has helped me greatly reading each of these people’s heartfelt stories. Obviously everyone’s story is different and the way everyone deals with something like this seems to be all over the map. Here’s my story.

    We married very young, she was 19 and I was 23 and divorced 3 1/2 years later, no kids. This was really a first real love for both of us. At that time my mother and father’s lives both went to hell culminating in a bitter divorce where my brother and I were caught in the middle and eventually the slow death of my father. My brother dealt with it by turning to drugs. Fortunately he made it out without ending up in jail and put his life together. But that’s another story. I was trying to keep life together with a new marriage and my first real job.

    My family’s problems must have brought nothing but stress and unhappiness into my then wife’s life as she had to be there and attempt to be supportive of me as I attempted to deal with it. I know now that I was not as considerate as I could have been and wish I had been. I saw what it was doing to me but did not understand what it must have been doing to her. That was probably way too much for such a young woman to handle. All of that contributed must have to ending our marriage.

    We rarely fought and I thought our marriage was doing pretty well. We saved up and came up with the down payment for a condo and got our own property. Great! Then after 2 1/2 years or so almost overnight she just withdrew from me. She had found someone else and was cheating on me I found out later. She would not discuss the reasons and to this day I don’t know the details of what happened or why. At the time I thought that she found someone better/richer/more handsome, whatever and of course I resented it greatly. I had been true to her always and I deserved more than just cold silence that was all I got from her from that point on.

    My mother-in-law was just great and treated me like a son, more so than my own mother. She helped me deal with the breakup far more than anyone could have expected. How much she knew about what was going on with her daughter I do not know. She was kind to me, helped me talk about things and helped me get my life back together as the divorce progressed. I was no longer part of her family and it wasn’t fair to pretend otherwise but we parted on very good terms. I missed her but we both knew that it would be best for her mother/daughter relationship which had it’s own amount of strain if I was out of the picture.

    So life went on. It got better. Much better. Towards the end of the divorce process I met a much better woman and we’ve been together for nearly 40 years and married for almost 35 years. We’ve had a loving relationship and have grown old together. Life has been very, very good to us. We have been through all of the good times and all of the hardships that come in life and managed to do it together the way a marriage should be. This has been by far and away the biggest blessing in my life.

    All of these years I blamed my ex-wife for the breakup of our marriage. After all – she’s the one who cheated. She filed for divorce. She turned cold as ice and refused to discuss things. I was the victim. Eventually I got past thinking about the relationship at all which was exactly what I wanted. Never looked for or found out where her life went after our divorce. As far as I know she made no attempt to see where I was. As I aged I could see things a bit more from her point of view and what she must have been going through. She didn’t sign up for a life like ours started up as and I am sorry that it was the way it was.

    Did I ever forgive her for cheating on me? No. In a perfect world we would have had a chance to talk about the marriage somewhere down the line and maybe come to a better understanding of where each of us was at that time. Obviously since you are reading this post that can never happen.

    I did wonder about my former mother in law. A couple of days ago I looked up her name online and unfortunately found her obituary. She died in 2009. That saddened me of course but she had lived a reasonably long life so the news of her passing was understandable. Her obituary said that she was preceded in death by her daughter, my ex-wife. My ex-wife died from cancer in 2006. I had never wanted to see or hear from my ex-wife again. I got my wish. Be careful what you wish for.

    I definitely feel grief for my ex mother-in-law passing. She was a very good woman with a very kind heart.

    I’m not sure what I feel about the death of my ex-wife. I found her obituary and saw that she died at her home with her husband and friends by her side. She left two daughters from a previous marriage who were in their teens when she died.

    She’s been dead now for almost 14 years. Both of her daughters are now older than she was the last time I saw her.

    A lot of people seem to feel guilt or regrets when something like this happens. I’m not feeling much of either. Mostly the shock of learning of her death and curiosity about what her life had been like. If I were a better human being I’d probably feel some guilt for not attempting to touch base with her while she was alive.

    Somehow it seems wrong that I am not more sad right now for someone I once loved. I hope that during her life she forgave me for whatever crap I brought into her life. The fact that I didn’t do it intentionally doesn’t mean that it hurt any less.

    Surprisingly even though I only learned of their existence a couple days ago I find that the sadness that I do feel goes mostly to her daughters who probably do not even know my name. I hope that they will have long and happy lives.

    This is what my experience of grief at the death of an ex-spouse feels like. Writing this has been my form of therapy. Hopefully it will help the next reader.

  • I was estranged from my ex-wife for 30 years. I loved her but we were killing each other. I finally broke away when she attempted suicide to force me to stay. We loved each other but we couldn’t be together. We divorced after nearly 20 years. I went back to find her again, to make peace. I was prepared to be abused, beaten up whatever. I just wanted her and I to have closure, maybe to talk, at least for her to know I would never forget her. I couldn’t find her. Instead I ran into tons of hostility, threats. I didn’t like it but I didn’t much care. They weren’t who I was interested in. Eventually I found out she had passed away. Further digging couldn’t turn up a death certificate or any other details. Finally I found out she had died a horrible death. She’d gotten zHIV, died in a nursing home, a slow lingering death. I can’t find the nursing home, where she’s interred or whatever. I have some guilt: if I’d come looking for her sooner etc. it was right for us to not be together but I’ve been crying for a week, as if my best friend just died and in a way, sometime ago she did. She died 3 to 6 years ago,alone. I’m at a loss as what do do to honor her memory and memorialize her.

  • Back in August of this past year, my ex passed away, unexpectedly. We have 2 children together. My daughter is 18 and son who is 15. Since our split, he married and had another child. We lived close to each other, so it was easy bringing the kids back and forth. In the beginning of our split, it was ugly. Down right Jerry Springer ugly. Both of us grew up and became civil with each other and the spouse. My ex and I got close again. He was my friend. We would talk on the phone for hours about the kids, work and life in general.
    Ever since his passing, I can’t stop thinking about him. Our life together, our kids, our split and his death. It’s consuming me. I feel guilty for feeling this way but I miss him.

  • @sarah as you can see from the comments on this post you are not alone. What you are experiencing is normal because this was someone you once loved. If you feel you need to talk to someone then by all means, I encourage you to seek out grief counseling. – JoAnne

  • My ex husband (43) just died. The morning after Christmas. An apparent overdosing. We have been divorced almost 19 years. He wasnt a good husband, and had been an absent father. I (40) received a call from a medical examiner in SF because they couldn’t get an answer with our daughter (22) and his next of kin, or his mother. So I had the unfortunate opportunity to be the first in the family to have this information. I had to call my daughter at work to tell her, then I tried her Aunt, my ex’s sister. She eventually called me back, and I told her. I didnt want to tell her mom or grandparents alone, so myself, my daughter, and her aunt met at the moms house, then all went together to the grandparents to inform them.

    It’s been almost 19 years, and I had no idea this was going to hit me this hard. My significant other doesnt understand why I’m grieving like I am since he was such a horrible man and father. And I cant explain it except that he wasnt always a horrible person. At one time I loved him. And he IS the father of my child.

    I’m not grieving because I’m in love with him. No, that boat sailed almost 2 decades ago. But I do love him. Of course I do. Hes my daughters father. Good one or not. We call him her sperm donor, because that’s basically what he was. Unfortunately.

    But I’m crying. All the time. And I’m sad inside. And my eyes hurt. I’m drinking a gallon of water a day to not feel dehydrated. I scream. I dont want to feel this way, and really, even with all the above said, I don’t understand why I feel this way. He was a piece of $#!+. Because of his actions while we were married, I went to prison. I spent 18 months away from my daughter when she was little. Like I said, horrible man.

    So again, I dont understand why I’m feeling this pain inside me. Why it feels like my heart has been ripped from my chest. Why all I want to do is lay in bed and mope or the complete opposite, go outside and do yard work.

    I’m not sure if I should see a grief counselor or if this will pass.

    I dont know what to feel and/or think.

    No one is checking in on me to see how I’m doing. It’s like no one cares that this man was a part of my life and now that part is dead. I’ve already contemplated going and getting his favorite alcohol (he was an alcoholic as well as a junkie) and getting piss drunk…but what would that solve? It wouldn’t make me feel any better. Or would it? And then, if I feel that way, SHOULD I even drink? I know that answer…

  • My ex is near death, very near. I met him when I was 17 and he as 29. We had two children now adults. Our daughter is estranged from both of us and does not know he is dying. His daughter from a previous marriage is not interesed in him at all either. Our son has been caring for him. We divorced 20 years ago after 33 years of marraige and after a bit we became friends mostly because I didn’t want the kids and grandkids to be upset by hard feelings between us. During our marraige he was terribly emotionally abusve and he was always in love with someone else. My mother had Munchausen by Proxy so my childhood was dangerous and weird. My ex essentially reared me and taught me how the world works. He was my “life-line” for a long time. Two years ago I found some of his writings and realized he had a separate secret life the entire time I knew him. He had sexual assaults and murder in his history. I haven’t spoken to him since I discovered this. But now that he’s dying I have feelings I do not understand. I hate him and I am frightened because he is going. I loved him for many years but that ended a few years ago. I’m confused and can’t really identify my emotions right now. It’s as though a piece of the world is missing. I tried to write down what I am feeling but that is not working very well. Not sure how to process this event. I have a counselor but she’s not very good so I haven’t yet told her he dying. I live in a rural area and resources are poor. I wonder how the process will take shape so I can anticipate emotions and keep them from overwhleming me. [When I discovered the murder I did report it to the police – it occurred in 1956.] I only have my son for support and we speak freely about everything. He is sad and relieved at the imminent death. His dad was a poor father. Maybe because of my history and my youth when we met we became enmeshed and that is why I feel something is missing? I do not want to be a burden to my son.

  • @Rochelle you are so right – hopefully we do love those who were part of our lives.

  • My ex died 2 weeks ago when he fell down at his home, hit his head and bled to death. I am deeply grieving. I always knew I’d be sad, but it’s worse than expected. We were divorced 12 years ago after 16 years of marriage. He was a really talented guy with many wonderful qualities, which now come flooding back. I know he was not good at being married or being a real dad, and I remember that, but we were still friends, we spoke or texted at least every week, and he continued to tell me he would always love me and would never be with anyone else. I did not want to be married anymore after trying so hard and failing so I tried to tell him to enjoy life and go on some dates, that it wasn’t all his fault as he kept saying but I just didn’t want to have a big romance with anyone again. I didn’t want him to be hung up on me, but he wouldn’t listen. I wasn’t comfortable with him saying these things all the time, but in our past several conversations, when he would close with “I love you”, I started saying it back because I thought it was okay to express love since he knew I wasn’t looking for a romance. Our last talk, I said it back and he said “thank you”. I said, well, I do, I will always care for you. It feels like a sucker punch every day.

  • I am so glad that I found this site. I have been going through every emotion and wondering if I should be feeling this way. I was married to my ex-husband for 23 years and we had lived together for 2 years prior to our wedding. Due to his alcoholism, we separated in 2011 when our son was a Junior in high school. I gave him the choice of getting help or leaving. He chose to leave and never looked back. He never contacted our son, never came to see him; no birthday or Christmas cards, and certainly no support. I had no contact with him until 2014, when I called to let him know that my grandmother had died. At that conversation, he asked to see our son, after a 3 1/2 year absence. I explained that our son was studying in Germany at the time, but I would speak with him after he returned and see if he would be agreeable. He then asked if he could come and see me. After some thought, I decided it would be fine. To make a long story short, he drove to my home and entered with a case of beer. Quickly, he thought we were getting back together. I thought otherwise as long as his beer was in the picture. My son agreed to see him and my ex-husband came to my home again on Christmas night. It did not go well. My son still harbored a great deal of resentment toward his father. My ex-husband went back home and I think it was about 5 days later, he showed back up at my house with all of his belongings, telling me he had quit his job, and was moving in with me. I really didn’t know what to do at the moment, finally telling him that we would have to talk about it because I thought he was moving a little quickly. I allowed him to stay (in the guest room) and the next day, he started drinking around 10 in the morning which quickly progressed to the nastiness and anger. After one outburst, I told him that I could not do it again and as long as he was still drinking, he would not be able to stay. He left, and again made no effort to stay in contact with his son. I served him with divorce papers in 2015 and have had no contact with him since. My son was contacted by his brother that his father passed away a few weeks ago in November. And I have been grieving ever since and continue to wonder why. He really was awful to us and I don’t know why I feel this way. I mean, of course, I am sad that the father of my child is gone at the age of 56, but I think I am also grieving over the fact that any hope that he will ever get sober and do right by his son and me is gone forever. I continue to waver back and forth between sadness, sobbing, guilt, anger, and resentment.

  • My ex well idk if I should even say ex we had a very weird relationship for 3 years on and off but when we eventually ended it we ended it on a positive note and always said that we would remain friends no matter what and check up on one another well life happened and he passed away a week ago we both moved on but idk if it’s okay to even feel like I should be grieving am I owed that We weren’t ever public so I feel weird about even saying anything publicly but I also don’t want to leave all my emotions trapped i find myself randomly thinking about him and just crying but when he was alive I didn’t think about him much I’m so thankful I found this website and I was able to get that off my chest

  • My ex husband of 10 years passed away on Thanksgiving from advanced liver cancer. Just a few days ago. We were together for 25 years before our divorce and it wasn’t amicable because I wanted it and he didn’t. We have an adult daughter. I remarried and he never did. We did see each other from time to time over the past 10 years and always friendly. His death has really hit me hard. My mother was his caregiver and I saw him the week before he passed and the day before he passed. I was able to be alone with him and say my final goodbye. It was so very sad and I’m sad. My current husband has been very understanding and feels sad as well. Even though you may not be in love with that person you still have love for them as a human being who was suffering. Still crying.

  • My ex fiancé of 4 years passed away almost 3 weeks ago of a sudden heart attack at 38. This has been the most difficult loss that I’ve gone through after losing my grandmother 4 years ago and my father 2 years ago. I feel completely shattered and heartbroken. Although we had been apart “officially” for almost 5 years he was a huge part of my life; we have several mutual friends and family. He and my cousin were more than best friends, they were brothers. Everyone knew of our connection and felt that we were the ones for each other. Since his passing, I have not stopped thinking of his aura – his smile, his laugh, and our intimacy. Some of the happiest moments of my life were shared with him. Our connection always remained, we last spoke about 6 months ago. He last declared to me that despite our history, he would always love me…that sticks to me every day. He knows I left the same way. And it stings that we never took the next step. I have not stopped crying since the day he left us.

    Over the last few weeks I’ve moved through every emotion, so much pain, depression, anger, regret (I have so many now). I felt he was the one and we were, through all our circumstance just “waiting for each other” and now the time suddenly ran out. I don’t see how to recover from this…

  • My former spouse of 39 years died unexpectedly one week ago. I have known him since I was 13. Our marriage crumbled because we just drifted apart. I remarried after 2 years. I have been devastated. I am grieving so.
    All of his arrangements and taking care of his belongings are left to our son. Our son wrote the Obituary and there was no word written about me, the former spouse and mother of our child. I have been so hurt. I had hoped that perhaps at some point my ex-husband and I could be closer. My current husband is 86. Seventeen years my senior. I suppose I made a foolish decision. I feel so guilty that perhaps I could have been stronger during the troubling months of our marriage and reached out and insisted that we talk. He would always get angry and walk out of the room before a discussion hardly got going. When I mentioned that I wanted a divorce he actually seemed glad. Why do I grieve so for him? His death has left me feeling completely lost with no desire for a future. I always loved and needed him.even though I never felt he needed me. I am just so sad.
    The stories I have read have truly helped me.

  • @Sarah Please know you DO have a right to your feelings, that #1.
    Second, you loved the father of your children at one time, that’s why you grieve. It doesn’t matter that you have a new mate, that doesn’t mean we forget, it just means your new mate is the newest chapter of your life.
    Your children need your support to grieve and move forward through that grief. – JoAnne

  • @Shana thanks for sharing your story and your wisdom. – JoAnne

  • My ex husband died a little over a week ago we have been separated for over 8 years and we’re together almost 16 had two children and a volatile relationship. I am struggling with the emotional side of it all. Our children are my main concern and his mum and brother. Having lost their grandfather, husband, father only 4 weeks ago it’s been a really tough time. I have a close relationship with my in-laws and my father in laws death wasn’t a shock as he’d been unwell for a long time but incredibly sad and upsetting all the same. Then to lose Mark too it has really hit hard. I am in a wonderful relationship with a fantastic man whom I am marrying next year and I’ve never truly been happier. He is my happy ending to a turbulent life this far. However I feel I’m betraying him by my emotional outbursts over my ex. I feel I have no right to grieve in front of him or my children. I feel I’m in limbo and don’t know where I fit. The range of emotions are from sadness to anger to disbelief. My ex had tried to commit suicide several times, the first two times within a day of each other firstly sticking a knife into his neck followed by a head first jump out of a second floor in a hospital. He was paralysed from the chest down and that was a little over three years ago. He has since cut his legs failing attempts one and two to only succeed in attempt three. The children have been through so much and after Marks initial attempts I was there to support him but he had mental health issues that made it hard to care for him, plus we had a violent relationship that I still held against him and he had numerous affairs. So it wasn’t easy. However I never stopped the children from having a relationship with him as children need both parents in their lives regardless of what went on between Mark and I.
    I guess what I don’t know is how to deal with his death, I feel an outsider as I’m not involved with the funeral although the children have asked me to support them but they are dealing with the lot of it. I feel I don’t belong in this and keep telling myself I’ve no right to be upset. I hope you could advise me if my feelings are just and that it’s acceptable for me to feel the way I do.

  • Both of my ex-husbands have passed away in the last four years. My first husband, father of my children, passed away at the age of 45 on August 6th, 2015. My second husband passed away at the age of 57 on September 30th, 2019.

    I never really grieved my first divorce as we had two small children and I had to get busy with life and raising them and making a living. When he died, thirteen years later, it was like going back in time and grieving everything about him – our youth and maturing together and our troubled marriage and the love I felt for him that I had all but forgotten about.

    My second husband was part of my life for ten years. We were in the midst of making amends and talking about the future, even though we lived three thousand miles apart. He had some health issues but I had no idea they were this serious and he passed away very unexpectedly just three days after our last talk and saying I love yous.

    The loss of my first husband felt like the loss of the past and young love. The loss of my second husband feels like the loss of midlife and mature love.

    Death is certain but love is forever. Make sure you tell everyone how you truly feel before you never get the chance again.

  • I just recently lost my ex this last week and it was one of the hardest times of grieving I have ever been through.

    We were married 30 years ago and have been split up about 27. His cousin is one of my best friends and her mother his aunt was like a second mother to me so we’ve always maintain a connection. We have remained friendly and he and his wife actually took one of my dogs when we relocated to Hawaii.

    He was my first love he was my first boyfriend he was my first husband he was my first everything. We just got married too young – at least I was anyway.

    I was a spoiled horrible little brat to him and I feel terrible about the way that I had behaved. All those tremendous feelings of guilt came crashing back at his passing.

    Now after the initial shock and grief I’m starting to turn it over in my brain again and remembering that it wasn’t totally all my fault. But the feelings of regret are still there.

    He was deployed back in 2006 so we got to say almost all the things we need to say to each other then – which I understand is not a chance that everybody has and I’m very fortunate. But I’m still sad and just wanna cry to the heavens how very very sorry I am and how much I miss him. Even though we were not together anymore I felt better and I felt safer with him in the world. Without him in the world it is making me feel alone and untethered.

    He was a fire fighter and he died in a horrible fashion. So that really does not help matters at all. I cannot believe something so horrible and so painful happened to him. But he died a hero – deservedly so. All very well loved and well respected man in his community.

    I live in Hawaii so attending his service is not feasible for me but his wife and family have been wonderful to me.
    I just hope he still felt connected to me in some fashion and still feels connected to me in death because I’ve always missed him and I always will.

    I just miss him so very much and he had such a huge impact In my life. I’m going to miss him until the day I die.

    Rest in Love Christian
    Your Cinnamon Bear

  • @Gertrude yes life is strange, but then grief is not predictable either. – JoAnne

  • Divorced my ex 24 years ago. We weren’t together more than five years, but those five years packed a punch. I’ve never remarried and he didn’t either. He was loving but abusive and would beat me up when we drank. We were both out of bad relationships when we met—two hurting people who hurt each other for no reason other than being mad at our circumstances. He could be very kind and generous. Every once in a while I would call him up and he would always flirt with me. My kids were glad I split up with him and would get mad at me if I talked about him because they never forgave him for hurting me physically. I forgave him because in my heart I know that our circumstances caused us to act the way we did to each other. I can’t believe I am grieving so hard for this man. He was a mean drunk but gentle when sober. Life is so strange.

  • I have two adult boys and two step boys that lost their father when my ex husband passed. We had settled our differences years before and it was hard for me to lose my friend and former husband, but it was so much harder on the boys to lose their father. My step boys did not have a mother at their side because she was not well, so I did my best to be supportive to all of them. I helped drove my boys 4 hours in the night to be by him at his death bed and staid with them all night. I helped plan the funeral and bought anything they needed to get ready. I was numb and my friends were all asking my why I seemed so down, I mean after all, he was my EX right? I really couldn’t put my finger on it except that I felt so bad for my boys losing their father at such a young age. Two of them expecting children of their own for the first time and not being able to share that with their father was heart breaking. My oldest son and I were going through some of his things and my son found a folder in his top drawer. It had two pictures of me in it and all of the letters I wrote to him when we were dating. I searched and searched for other momentos from other relationships and found nothing. That floored me. My sister showed up at the visitation and went through the line patiently and when she came to me she said she needed to talk to me alone. We went into the foyer where it was quiet and she took my hand and asked me how I was doing. It seemed like an odd question. My boys had lost their dad and I felt horrible for them. How was I? No one had asked me that since all of this had began. All of sudden I was bawling in her arms. She just held me and said she knew. She knew what? After all of those years, divorce does not wipe the love that you shared or the time you spent together. After finding those pictures of me it was quite clear that he had never lost his love for me either. Just because we could not live together doesn’t mean we did not love each other any more.

  • My ex-husband Darryl died October 2018. Our divorce finalized in 2011. We were married in 1982. Our three sons now are 35, 33 and 28. He was 56 at the time of his death. A great shock as Darryl was such a strong healthy man. In the end an aneurysm at the base of his brain would prove stronger. After 3 brain surgeries spanning from July to his death would leave him with stroke symptoms. I’ve mourned this man so many times. First when we split. I did the splitting. Again when he remarried. Then his death. We had not spoken since 2011, mostly because I was angry and I’m unable to deal with emotions and I find it easier to cut it away than let it heal. My sons have no relationship with his wife. So I am left on my own to parent adult children, their wives, my grandchildren. I dream of Darryl often, always we are still married and the boys are young. I finally reached out to my ex-mother-in-law. But I’m guarded to actually tell her how heart broken I really am. Or anyone for that matter as the response I’m sure is you made your bed sort of thing. He was a good solid man, hard working and decent. The reasons for our break was more my issues than his. So I find myself regretful. Sad for not being a better person. And I miss him. I have no illusion that their would have been a reconciliation, but rather I miss knowing he is there, even if it’s just to say to his boys, “go ask your Dad”.

  • My ex husband was lost in a winter storm here in Alaska. From feb . To April. Sadly he didn’t make it. We have a child together. He is 15. He wasn’t able to see him or have that father / son relationship due. To his girlfriend. My cousin. I wasn’t able to go to funeral because of her controlling and bully ways. Long story. This lady who took my husband away from has always been a bully to me since we were young. At any rate. I have a husband now whom I love and adore. He is the best thing to me and my son. But at times I feel very alone. Because I don’t want to make him or myself feel awkward. I cry in silent and my heart hurts. For my ex. I’m not sure why. Because he wasn’t a great father nor a husband. I just try to let the feelings feel. And know that I need to forgive him, her and myself. Before I can move forward.

  • My ex had been shot in October of 2018. We had only broken up about a month prior to that so it hit me pretty hard. He was my first boyfriend and first love. We had met back in 2017 and we’ve been on and off a few times during that period but we had a lot of love for each other. We were both each others first relationship and first love so we didn’t spend that much time apart. Even at the times when we weren’t together we saw each most of the time and if we didn’t physically see each other we spoke everyday. When we broke up in August 2018 it was really hard for me and not even a month later I found out through social media that he was murdered. It still feels weird saying that. I was only 19 at the time that it happened so I haven’t experienced a death of someone that close to me. It’s been almost 10 months now and I still cry about it to this very day. Sometimes I feel guilty about crying because I wasn’t even with him when he passed and he had already moved on. I tried reaching out to his friends for comfort or support only for them to ignore me. So i’ve just been silently dealing with it by myself because I don’t know anybody that can relate. It is a little bit comforting to see all of these people that have gone through something similar though

  • My ex and I have been divorced for over 4 years, and our twins are now almost 11. He has been living with cancer since they were 5, and in September, multiple tumors started growing rapidly. Three types of chemo and a surgery have failed. About three weeks ago, the medical team told me he wouldn’t live until the end of June. On June 29, he was admitted to the hospital with fluid in his lung and stomach and remains there on a chest tube five days later. Our relationship has always been friendly, our divorce was amicable and consensual, and we co-parent the kids and share equal parenting time. Despite this, I still harbor serious feelings of resentment and anger at the way he treated me during our relationship and continues to treat me, although I am much more able to put that aside since it doesn’t affect me on a daily basis. Still, he hasn’t changed. We still have the relationship today that we’ve had for 16 years, even though he’s dying. (On the other hand, I sobered up and *have* changed – recovery is one reason I’m able to act and respond differently since the divorce.) Since September, my communications and interactions with him have remained fairly passive and amicable, but in the last couple of weeks, he is back to the control games that he has always played, and now it’s affecting our children (withholding of medical information from me (and hence from our children), directing his friends and executors only to communicate with me if he is unconscious, lying to the children’s therapists, refusing to provide full and clear information about the content of his will w/r/t our children, denying me access to his home to retrieve the children’s belongings for camp while he is in the hospital, refusing to provide me with the passwords to the laptops he took in the divorce that contain our children’s baby photos, etc.). And I am FURIOUS. I feel incredibly guilty for being angry at him while he’s on his deathbed, but he is still him and these are still the reasons that we separated. I’ve considered that people act and think out of character when they are facing (their own or someone else’s) death, but these behaviors are those he’s exhibited since we’ve met. They are even more triggering to me now because I don’t feel that this is the time for evasiveness or mind games, especially when there are children involved who are about to lose a parent. This should be a time for cooperation, empathy, and kindness. I’m anxiously anticipating that my increasing anger towards him will complicate my grief and leave me with no closure or resolution or path to move forward but instead with just a bad, bad taste in my mouth. I am worried that I will not feel at all warmly towards him at the moment of his death.

    I can’t find anywhere to find feedback about this (although I am in therapy and have a large sober network – I’m talking empirically) so thought I’d share it here. Thanks.

  • @Michelle as you can see from the comments on this post – you are not alone! I encourage you to be true and honest with your current husband – this is the life you have now. You cannot change the past, you can heal it and live the life you have now. – JoAnne

  • I just found out today that my ex-husband and we have been divorced for about 12 an hour of years but we were together for 18 years and married for 13, that he has cancer and they are giving him on the positive side weeks but more likely days to live. We do not have children together but I have a daughter from a previous relationship that he raises his own and Even after the divorce he still kept her part of his life and part of that family. When we were together and I got pregnant it was by another man and my daughter was given my ex-husband‘s last name because he wanted to raise her as his own. Thinking that her biological father would never come back into the picture. But in the end it so happens that her biological father did come back into the picture and there were other incidences that led to a mutual divorce although I still loved him he was the first man in my life that treated me well and made me or help me learn to trust men because of my past and he was just a really good guy like anyone that knows me will tell you I never speak badly of him there were just a lot of differences with us after so many years and it was time for us to MoveOn eventually I actually ended up with my daughter‘s biological father we have now been together since 2008. But my ex-husband always requested to remain a part of my daughters life and that is something I have always granted him because he was there when she was born he was the first person to hold her and they had a bond and she has his last name and for as much as it bothers her biological father I said it was a mistake we made and it’s a bed we must lien, so it is what it is and we have to deal with that. And we have been and my daughter and my ex-husband have remained extremely close throughout all these years. And it’s breaking my heart because my daughters heart is so broken knowing that a man she calls daddy and has since she could first learn to say daddy is dying and I don’t know how to comfort her and all I keep thinking about is all the great times that him and I had together over all those years and how much I respect him and admire him for even though we separated and divorced he would not let go of his love for that child and I respect that more than I could say in words but I also don’t want my husband who is her biological father to be offended but my daughter has never changed her last name from my ex-husband’s to her biological father‘s last name that’s her choice and I respect that and I don’t force it upon her. And when she found out about my ex husband having cancer and not long to live she was beyond devastated this Saturday before she graduated high school. The day after she graduated high school she found out exactly how bad it truly is. And my heart broke for her for the pain that she was feeling. And today with learning everything that we know, I find myself even more heartbroken for her but for some reason I am having my own emotional issues and I don’t know why I don’t know why and I don’t know how to react or express it I’m feeling a lot of pain a little bit of regret some what if‘s and just memories of some really awesome amazing times that we shared not even thinking about the really fucked up bad times but just how he changed me as a person and the fun we had together and it’s just bringing up so much emotions that I am not sure how to handle it because I don’t know if it’s right or wrong and I don’t want to upset my husband now by having these emotional feelings for my ex husband but at the same time this is a man that I loved and cared about for so many years and I watched him love and adore and take care of my daughter from another man even though he knew he didn’t care he wanted her and gave her his last name how do I handle this? I want to be respectful and I know his family they were never fond of me to begin with and they certainly aren’t now but I feel like I need to say goodbye or do something but yet I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to upset them I don’t want to upset the woman he’s been dating for the last few years who is now being by his side through the all of this and his family and his other children which one is still friendly with me and excepting of me the other one isn’t some family members of his are still OK with me some orange but I also don’t want to upset my husband or the family that I have now but I also feel the need to be there for my daughter because this is going to be painful for her this was someone she thought of as a father and is much is she has spent as many years if not more with her biological father who she loves and calls dad and she adores him and they have Sunday breakfast together every Sunday just the two of them at the diner it’s beautiful but it was like she had two fathers that she loved equally and no one is dying and I think she’s confused I’m confused and I just don’t know how to handle it so I guess I’m just crying for help on how do I deal with this what is the right thing to do here? Mostly what is the best thing for me to do for my daughter? And how do I not hurt my current husband?

  • My first husband and I were married for 14 years and have 3 beautiful kids together. He committed suicide 8 years ago. I had been remarried for a year at the time. Our children were 16, 13, and 9 years old. My current husband has been a devoted father to all three since day one and has completely and equally loved them as he loves his own two children. They all are doing so amazing! Oldest finishing her masters degree in behavioral analysis, middle child is just finishing a 2 year mission for our church and headed to college in the fall, and youngest just finished junior year of high school with honors. I know they love their bonus dad but he feels so sad on holidays like Father’s Day, because despite them recognizing his love and support of them, they always recognize their real dad first. My current husband feels under appreciated and less than. I feel like despite my kids father’s problems and mistakes, when someone dies young they are elevated to a hero status, leaving those still here to pick up the pieces without the fanfare.

  • My ex and I were raised in a religious environment and married young. I wanted a family, and he wanted to lose his virginity. To his credit, I think he did try to stick around. We had two children and stayed married for over 9 years before he suddenly moved out and left us to get evicted from our home. We were eating from the food bank and living in a single room while he was travelling around Europe with his new girlfriend. I was so angry. I had to sue him for child support. He stole my car. He took loans and credit cards out in my name, leaving me in financial chaos.

    The hurt and betrayal devastated me. For my part, I can honestly say that I really loved him. The loss of that relationship changed me. I put my energy into building a life for myself and my kids. I met a great guy a few years later, and now we have a home and a child together, and he treats my two older children like his own.

    This past winter, my ex asked me if he could skip his visitation with the kids. I hated it when he missed time with our kids, but I didn’t ask questions. I wish I’d taken the time to talk to him. I got the call from his mom. Knowing that he couldn’t swim, that there was a weather advisory, and that there was no lifeguard, he decided to go for a swim in the ocean. He was not drunk or high or in mental distress. I can’t wrap my head around it. Part of me is grief stricken, part of me feels validated. There was a time when that idiot meant the world to me, and now he’s gone, but it was undeniably fully his fault. I’m broken by the loss my children are enduring, and simultaneously flooded with relief now that everyone can see the truth about this ticking time-bomb of a human being.

    Still, happy memories from when we were young are constantly bubbling up. Telling the kids that he was gone was horrible. I felt intensely guilty, like I had lied to them. Even once I had the death certificate in my hands, I still kept thinking that it couldn’t be true. His remains had to be cremated, so we never saw his body. I keep seeing people who look like him, and my heart is instantly in my throat. Months later, the tears still come so easily. I don’t think it would be above him to fake his own death, so there is real room for doubt. There’s so much emotion all the time, but because of the divorce, I feel like I have to hide my feelings. I don’t want my current husband to think there were unresolved feelings between me and my ex. The truth is more complicated.

    His parents and friends took his side in the divorce, so most of them have cut ties now. They don’t check in on the kids. They didn’t include us in the funeral, and refuse to inter my ex’s ashes, so the kids have no place to go to honor their dad’s memory. It’s a million miles of tears. I don’t know if I can ever fully recover.

  • It is so comforting to know I’m not alone in this overwhelming grief for my ex husband. I didn’t see it coming. I am drowning in sorrow some days and I was completely over him. I loved him as a friend and father of my son but this is like he died at the height of our love affair that ended over 20 years ago. WTH?
    I ache for this lost love.

  • My ex-husband Duane, died on May 7, 2019 and I am still struggling with believing the realness of it all. We have been in some sort of relationship since we were both 15 years old (I am 63 years old now). We have two children, were married for 28 years at the time of divorce, and neither of us remarried. Why we divorced was because I felt I was being an enabler to him and his alcohol (and other things). However he was always in denial about our divorce. We lived separately for 9 years following our divorce in 2005, but we continued “dating” each other and he convinced me to move back in with him which I did, but finally I had to realize he was happy because I was there taking care of all his needs and once again being that enabler so I moved into an apartment. last year. Now that he died I am feeling so sad because I am dealing with the what if I stayed would he still be alive. I am thankful for not being judged for my grieving because this has really hit me hard. Besides the fact that from age 15 to 63 I am still cleaning up his messes because I am clearing out his house and disposing of things my children do not want. Even though we were divorced on paper we were still always together. He asked me several times to remarry him but financially it was not a good thing to do because he developed many health problems and with me working (and him finally having to stop working and collect SSI Disability) he wouldn’t have gotten the medical care he needed. He still introduced me as his wife (and I felt like his wife because I never dated another man EVER), and when he died everyone came to get me to deal with the coroner/funeral home issues. This is what makes me so angry over everything, and that is the fact that we were divorced on paper but in real life in our minds we were married but I am going through hell trying to get information related to the things he left behind. He was my first love, my only husband, my children’s father, the man I loved with all my heart and it just breaks my heart looking at our wedding pictures, pictures from in March 2019 when we went to Charlotte, NC to visit our daughter, and now as I go into the house we shared (for 5 years) to clean it out is just killing me. I have the best co-workers and friends because they know how much I loved Big Keys and they have gone above and beyond helping me to go through this process. In most peoples mind I have lost my sole mate.I have to believe that God makes no mistakes and I just pray that I am able to move forward and not keep grieving over the lost of the man I loved until death separated us. It all seems so unfair. I hope I can snap out of this what if and move on to live my life in somewhat happy way. I pray that my inter me has not died with Duane. Our daughter is having her second child next week and I am going to Charlotte to be there for the delivery. I am so glad we had the chance to visit her together and he was able to buy her a few things for the new baby (that he will never know). I will keep in memory alive for the sake of our grandchildren. His remains (we had him cremated) are sitting on my table near the TV because he loved watching TV and at the end of June we are planning a FUNMORIAL in his honor to share the memories of his life and release 62 balloons for each year of his life (he died 3 months before his 63 birthday). I have this feeling that I will never love a man the way I loved Duane and I will forever be alone. Rest in Peace Big Keys knowing that I loved and looked after you until the VERY END. I am just heartbroken!!!

  • I just learned yesterday that my ex died suddenly of a heart attack a month ago. We were together for five years and it ended ten years ago. We’d stayed friendly, though it had been a tumultuous relationship. Wonderful in the beginning, but over time his jealousy destroyed it. He remarried five years ago and they seemed very happy, and I was happy for him. He was 15 years older than me. My fiance is 21 years older and the thought of losing him scares the pants off me. This is bringing that home even more and I’m feeling lost…

  • When I was sisters years old I met the man of my dreams smart funny handsome amazing ! I ended up pregnant he wasted no time on marrying me we had two boys however we were young and made dumb decisions and separated I still hve never remarried , however we remained the closet of friends , over 20 sum odd years we grew with one another and watched each other grow , he left bed me to no end ,,,, I remember the night he walked in and said “ ya know Leah why don’t we just say hell with all this dumb stuff get our kids and be a family again , I know it took everything in him to muster the courage to say that to me … I shot him down .:(( we continued to be close despite whom we were with at the time , he began to really struggle with a current girlfriend quite freaquently ending up hanging out at my home with my new baby , last time I saw him he took my baby and I to the pediatricians cause my car broke down , he called the fallowing Monday saying life wasn’t worth living anymore , I told him I loved him and he wS always welcome here , I recurved a text about 12:30 am saying not one mention of suicide he asked me a question I responded at 8:30 am the time the paramedics cut him down from the beam in the back shed of his home with that girlfriend ….. my life will never be the same , I hve my questions ……Justin told a medium the answers will come ,,,,, the earth lost an angel that day at the age of 39 , at least passing will certainly have one perc I’ll get to see his handsome face and most radiant smile as he holds me tightly in his arms again . I love you Justin and will never stop or will I ever give up on you ! I promise

  • Wow. There are so many people here who have been or are going through similar things. When I was 14, I met my “first love”. We dated off and on and had an emotional relationship. We got engaged when I was 19 and broke up a year later. This time for good. I’m married now, six years, and have a four year old daughter. My life is everything I could have ever wished for, and I don’t wish I could be with my ex from my childhood. It’s been six years since he and I even talked. We kept in touch with little hello’s throughout the years thanks to social media, but nothing more. We were happy for each other. He had a fiancé and a sweet little girl. What I didn’t know, was that the drug abuse that plagued our young relationship still pulled him under. I didn’t expect to feel such heartache. I feel angry and sad. I know I couldn’t do any more to change how it turned out for him. I tried for seven years, but I think the devil had him long before I was around. Still, where do I place these feelings? I grieved his loss when we broke off our engagement. We said goodbye, and he was gone. But now that his ashes are floating in the lake where I last saw him, I feel like he is everywhere. Every gust of wind. Every white Ford truck. Every early 2000’s song. Time heals. It always does. I’m glad I found this thread. I’m glad to know I’m not alone and I have a place to share my grief.

  • @Loretta – as you can see from this post you are not alone in your feelings. We grieve because we had feelings for the person who has passed. Please honor your grief – perhaps plant a tree in his honor.

  • We were married for 26 years. We had three beautiful children. Sadly, alcohol addiction came between us. I tried so hard to help him overcome his addiction but in the end, I had to divorce him as he’d become abusive. I subsequently remarried. But in 2016 he died of organ failure. I felt the losd as acutely as I would have if we’d still been married but I couldn’t show it. I have recently split from my second husband, who has narcissistic personality disorder. I endured physical, emotional, mental and verbal abuse, including threats to kill me. I am now trying to pick up the pieces of my life, whilst still grieving the loss of my first husband. I think of the life we could have had, had things been different. Loss is loss. We can’t turn our feelings off, just because a piece of paper says we are no longer married. I keep going for my children. But it’s hard.

  • My first love, the first one that could have been marriage-worthy, died this week suddenly after surgery. I had not seen his face for 40 years. In recent 8 years or so I had taken a stab at writing to him to get his email address to see how he was doing in life…and he responded and we have been email “pen pals” for the better part of 8 years, checking in two or three times per year. It had been a pleasant experience to reminisce together and just be good friends. He married, I married, both had kids…all that good stuff. And now he has died. He lives 6 hours away and I would not be comfortable going to the funeral. I am stricken with sadness, crying, can’t concentrate. I had not seen his face in 40 years until his obituary photo. My heart felt like it shattered like glass. My husband wouldn’t understand so I’ve said little about it to him. I feel I have to grieve alone, and even if I am deserving of that. I am so so sad. I was sure one day we would be able to meet again face to face. Never got to that. Now I just pray for him and his wonderful family.

  • 6 Years ago today I got a text from my Ex-wife. The text said. “I am not feeling very well. Can you watch the kids?”. 3 Days later she would be gone. I think about it often. It seems to never leave my mind and I am haunted by our breakup and divorce. I had married 10 months before she had passed away to a wonderful woman to whom I am still with. She is fantastic, beautiful and a companion beyond what I deserve, but I feel guilt feeling this way about my Ex-wife even 6 years later.

  • My ex-Wife and I separated 7 years ago this month, we have an amicable relationship and 2 young children together 11 and 8. She is very close to the end of her life at the moment with stage 4 cancer and the children are with her at the hospice right now. I feel so scared and do not know how to deal with the situation. I feel upset because we have history together and I am worried about the children for how they are feeling and also the impending fight that I know I am going to have with the ex in-laws and her current husband for the children. I am the only other person with parental responsibility although I was asked to grant it to her husband and mother to which I refused. There will be fall outs I know and all at the same time that we all need to grieve. I am desperate to be there and comfort my children but I have a feeling that refusal will be given to me. HELP!

  • My now-ex recently died. We divorced six years ago after a brief marriage (and two year courtship before that) when it became clear that his drinking was out of control, and he refused to get into recovery. I was not willing to subject my child (then 11) or myself any further to how we had been living for those eight months. His body was found by a neighbor, who had called the property manager. He had been deceased for two weeks. He died like he had lived, in self-isolation and degradation. All of this said, with the news of his death I am feeling a sometimes overwhelming sense of guilt, deep anger, sorrow and grief. When he left the marriage, he didn’t as much as say good-bye, he simply left. He refused to talk on his cell, so I had to call him at work to hash-out the divorce papers; his replies to me emails were perfunctory at best. I did not get the closure that I openly sought with him and I think that he actually enjoyed the fact that this hurt me deeply. Up until his death, I remained hopeful that he might get into recovery and that we might make peace; that did not happen. His death in some ways feels like the same as his exit from my life ..like there’s no closure and the pain of it is real. I know that our culture would say I am crazy for this sense of bereavement, but that doesn’t take ANY of my pain away. My chest hurts, I can barely sleep and my head is spinning with “what might have been.”

  • My first real love (Paul) died yesterday after a two year battle with cancer. We have known each other for over 30 years, We were friends before we became partners and he was the love of my life. After 5 years together he broke up with me and I was devastated. Nearly all of my social life went away with him. After years I met my current partner of 19 years. I would occasionally see Paul but I learned I needed to keep him at arm’s length. It was too difficult and if I got too close I would somehow be disappointed or hurt. I never felt I measured up. I needed to focus on my life without him. He has since had several partners and has married. When he was diagnosed with cancer I was the first person he called. I have tried to be there for him but he wanted to see me more than I could. I rushed him to the ER once when he needed me. I would visit occasionally and was near his bedside with others when he was taken to hospice barely able to breath.
    Now he is gone and I am heartbroken. I cry and can’t read all of the posts on Facebook. I don’t think my partner fully understands the depth of my grief. I feel like I could have done more with him over the last two years. I feel things were left unresolved.

  • My ex-husband died this past weekend. I have been grieving him and know many may not understand. We divorced over 13 years ago. He had a secret drinking problem and even though everyone around us would see the man that I fell in love with, I would would experience the unpleasant side of an alcoholic and it finally had become too much too bear after 17 years of marriage. His family always saw our divorce as a form of betrayal. You see, I am a cancer survivor and at one point in our marriage I had the unpleasant experience and fear of dealing with cancer along with trouble in our marriage. His family believed that he was by my side the whole step of the way (and he even believed it himself), although I was the one that would drive myself to/from my treatments and sit through them by myself. I didn’t let them believe otherwise, so when we divorced they viewed it as I was abandoning him when he needed me. We had a lot of anger between us that eventually subsided and we became friends again and had a good friendship and we could talk on the phone for hours just about anything. He would look to me for advice at times. He professed his love for me and apologized for the years of anger between us. Our kids, which are adults, had an unsteady relationship, but there was no doubt they loved him very much and he loved them as well. Our kids were his pride and joy. Now that he has passed, his family is making all the arrangements and were there for him during his difficult times in the hospital and leading up to his passing, but are breaking my heart because they may not be doing it intentionally, but they are excluding mentioning our kids when talking about the arrangements and only mention that they are celebrating the loss of their beloved brother. I understand to an extent, but it almost comes across as if my ex-husband had no children at all.

  • My former husband died 4 days ago from a massive heart attack. We were married a total of 17 years, with 15 of those years together. We had major division in the marriage due to his strict religious beliefs which resulted in us attending separate churches for the entirety of the marriage, though he married me in my church. In addition, he had been neglected & unloved as a child that caused him to have huge self esteem issues. Regardless, I believe that even if I had attended church with him and accepted the doctrine’s “holiness standards”, it still would have ended in divorce; not because of ME, but his inability to let go of resentment & his ‘conditional love’.
    I begged him for us to go to counseling with his pastor, but he refused. He, more or less, put me out (in 2012) & I moved in to take care of my Dad, who I took care of for 2 years, until he passed. Then my husband was EAGER for divorce saying he would pay for it if it was uncontested. , Unbeknownst to me, he had just began a relationship with another woman and didn’t even come to see me or call after my father’s death. So I gave him the divorce, with pressure from family, tax attorney, and probate lawyers. Didn’t feel a thing for 5 months, then BAM! I bought a house, moved in (starting from scratch because I sold everything I had to marry him). I was really alone!
    I began drinking heavily again & am still fighting addiction. Me and his daughter became very close, she stayed with me a lot the last 2 years and was here at my home when she got the call to come to the house. I drove her there. He was dead, the first responders asking me questions since I knew all his health issues. We pulled the insurance policies…I was still on one of them, which I will be giving everything to her. He had put the other woman on one of his policies, but thankfully, had recently changed it since he realized what a skank she was. I personally called that woman and told her about his death. I told her exactly how it made me feel that she was in the picture, etc. It was freeing for me…I was not mean or hateful, just let out my feelings and hung up.
    I was involved in service preparations, as well as the viewing, they let me have time alone with him.
    After the service, I went to the sister’s house and was met outside and tactfully told not to come in, they did not want “a scene” (wth). Said my stepdaughter was ‘very emotional’ & needed to be with “family” only. I left, came home, & found out I had deeply hurt my stepdaughter with my drunken pity party and selfishness. Now I have that to contend with…I wrote her a letter of apology, taking full accountability for my actions & words. That’s all I can do. I’m mailing the letter today. I am truly remorseful, I feel empty as I have lost my stepdaughter & my ex husband. We were supposed to attend a concert for New Years…now I go alone. I’m devastated, but trying to move forward. I pray she will forgive me for my insensitivity, but I must accept it.

  • @Elizabeth thanks for sharing your story. I suspect your husband didn’t share the details of his ex-wife’s illness because he thought you wouldn’t understand or show empathy. Ex’s often have complicated relationships and forget that they had families and people they loved before getting into the new relationship. Because we divorce doesn’t mean we don’t care about the welfare of someone we once loved. Try to be patient and not resentful and ask your husband to talk about his feelings with you. – JoAnne

  • @Brenda I’m sorry for your losses. If you have read all the comments to this post you know you are not alone. You are trying to find a place to put your feelings and others often don’t understand and can’t unless they experienced the type of loss you have. As I always say, you are grieving someone you once loved and that’s why it hurts so much. But to heal we must work through the grief/feelings and find a way to keep living life again. – JoAnne

  • @Anders I am sorry for your loss. Sounds like your wife was amazing in life and I suspect will continue to inspire in her death. Remembering those we loved with great memories helps us to continue through life. I encourage your entire family to speak of her often. When you find yourself in doubt, just as her for help or say to yourself what would she have done – listen for the guidance. – JoAnne

  • My husband’s ex wife (they were married 19 years) died of cancer recently. He knew she was at the end stages of her life and didn’t tell me anything until 3 weeks before her death and then it was “she is dying and I need to be with my kids more” No details were forthcoming even when I pressed. I knew she had cancer for years and was in and out of remission, so this actually did take me by surprise since as of this past July, my stepchildren told me their mother was, “fine.”. They have been secretly talking and preparting for her death without my knowledge. It’s the highest form of infidelity in my view. When she died, he immediately walked out on me. Left our home, didn’t pack anything, and moved into HER home the day after her death to purportedly take care of his grieving kids (who already lived with their mother when she was alive) and his former in-laws still live there, too! No discussion with me. He just left. Now my young child (his stepdaughter) who he has helped raised since she was 1 is devastated. I am beyond angry and feel completely betrayed.

  • My ex-husband, Jonathan, was murdered a few days after my birthday earlier this year. I was dating someone that I later became engaged to. That relationship was not healthy at all and I wished I was with Jonathan. I had a chance to go skiing with my ex-husband and chose to stay home and work on the new relationship. When my ex died, the boyfriend was instantly supported and held me while I grieved. I felt like I had to quickly get over it to hold onto this new relationship. But I secretly and silently mourned the loss. I always dreamed Jonathan and I would end up together in the end. He left too soon. He left painfully and cruelly. It was so disturbing, I couldn’t believe it. Then my boyfriend/fiance deceived and betrayed trust and I couldn’t recover from that. It was all just too much so I asked for space for us to process it all. He left and two weeks later ended up on a dating site and a new girlfriend a month after that. The loss feels endless… like it won’t stop. It’s so much. I don’t know if I am aching for my ex-husband or my ex-fiance or myself or the future that is so uncertain now. I have been hopeful about the future my entire adult life because I always believed Jonathan was in it. It’s all so uncertain now. This year has been so extremely painful. And I’m so alone in it. My family and friends don’t understand why I can’t let go and move on from either loss. Why am I still suffering seven months after Jonathan’s death and two months after my fiance left? How do people get through it and move on…. besides “time”.

  • My wife that I recently separated from passed away suddenly when visiting her mom at hospice… This came totally out from nowhere – she was healthy and had so many things going for her. We were married for 25 years with two wonderful children 20 and 24… Although we were separated we were still close and as a family with the “kids” we worked all issues together. For me this loss is larger then I can put in words… We grew apart – I did stupid things – didn’t work the marriage like I should have – I failed her but I always have had a deep love for her… She was the rock in the family – she was Wondermom… Dealing with this grief is difficult and surreal… It is so unfair – she visiting her mom at hospice and she ended up to pass away – in one day everything in our lives was thrown up in the air… Now I am stepping up and being the father she wanted me to be although I was always there – but not like her – she was there 24*7 for our children… I am trying to see my life moving forward but not really sure exactly how… I am afraid I will fail my kids – not being up to her amazing standard… In the end I am thankful that I was her husband when she died… She is an amazing woman and her spirit will live on for ever…

  • @Wiles Crista why would you want to stop thinking of him is perhaps a different question to ask yourself. People do come and go from our lives but that doesn’t mean we stop a thought about them from entering our minds. Sometimes it can be helpful to write a letter to our loved ones who have passed and say everything we wanted to say in life – read it aloud and then burn it letting it go to the universe. It can be a healing act – give it a try. – JoAnne

  • @Lisa renga I encourage you to ask the hospice where your ex is for grief support groups – you will benefit from the support and don’t let anyone or yourself place judgement on being the ‘ex’ – this was someone you loved. – JoAnne

  • @Brittany Peyton As you can tell from the many comments in this post – you are not alone. You are mourning someone you once loved – honor your feelings

  • @Jim I’m sorry for your loss – remember she was someone you once loved – that’s why your heart is broke for her.

  • My ex-husband died November 2005 From an accidental overdose – we were together for 15 years we were only married for 5 years but he was the love of my life and I was his. He was in an alcoholic. In 1999 he robbed a bank and went to prison he wanted me to get a divorce that way if anything happened to him in prison I would get everything so I did we stayed friends. He only served 2 years, I remarried and about 6 months later he remarried in 2003 I left my husband and got a divorce and moved to Michigan where I met my new husband we have been together since 2004 but I can’t stop thinking about my ex-husband and all the songs that I hear reminds of him. He called me 2 weeks before he died wanting me back and I told him that I was in a new relationship and I wanted to see were it was going but I still loved him and I always will I just was not in love with him anymore. Will I ever stop thinking about him? It’s been 13 years and every day I think of him and the songs and all the good times we had together not very many bad times at all please let me know

  • My ex is in hospice care and there are times I cry for no reason. We divorced four years ago. I feel sorry for him cause he is too young to die. But I know he didn’t take care of himself. Our children are grown adults but didn’t keep in touch with him that much. They blame him for the divorce. I told them bad or good he was still your father and you need to find closure with your father dying. I am still in shock he is slowly going. I have visited him in hospice care to find closure with me and I did say my goodbyes to him even though he was out of it. It is still hard to believe he will be gone soon.

  • 20 years gone, still feel what is missing, such intense suadade. I don’t miss you as much as I miss the love that once was there and I search endlessly for love which can never be replaced but feel the safety of knowing it is there. I’m happily married 18 years, the grief never leaves but there is new life since from one death grew a new life in another love, in my case the new love was very very very different but had a familiarity I knew. Chasing the same type of love as before just didn’t seem possible and I think I would not have been so strong as I am today without a different life.

  • My ex husband and I were together for 14 years. We had 2 children together. We finalized our divorce about a month ago. It was amicable, not messy at all, we loved each, we just weren’t compatible and he had a lot of issues, lying and alcohol. He was living with his new girlfriend and her daughter. He got drunk and shot himself, about a two weeks ago, in front of his girlfriend, poor girl. I didn’t expect to be this sad or heartbroken about it. I miss him, despite everything. I just didn’t realize it would be this hard or that I would have so many different feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, betrayl, it’s like a roller coaster.

  • My ex-wife died earlier this year. I dream about her all the time. She died alone having shut everyone out and her alcohol problem was a major factor in her death. We had two sons together who live with my partner and I. I separated from her due to her drinking and I know if we’d stayed together she’d still be alive which is heart breaking. I can’t show I’m sad in front of my current partner. Her death was totally unnecessary. She was still just a young woman. Also a voice inside of me told me to reconcile with her in the week before she died but I never did as I thought it’d upset my current partner. I also saved her life three years before by getting her to hospital when she was critically ill. This time I couldn’t save her.

  • @Lily
    I’m sorry for your grief. As you can see from the comments on this blog – you are not alone. JoAnne

  • @Anne
    Don’t disregard your feelings, regardless of how the marriage ended, this was a man you loved and had children with. I hope you will find peace and forgiveness for the past. – JoAnne

  • My ex boyfriend committed suicide five months ago. We weren’t compatible dating long term but I cared about him so much. He was one of the only guys I dated that I felt so emotional over and had a deep bond with…. We were kindred spirits. My current long term boyfriend never stirred my emotions as Brad did. Brad helped me through really dark times in my life. He was living out of state with his current partner when I found out of his passing…. Joe (my current partner), Brad and I all worked together. So Joe was aware that I dated Brad, but didn’t know we’d still keep in contact over the years and see how the other was doing. A few months before Brad passed away, he asked me if I’d like to meet up and grab coffee when he was in town. Instead I blew him off and I really wish I hadn’t. I regret not being there for him and a listening ear…. to help fight away his demons as he always helped me fight off mine. His passing haunts me so much. I have yet to tell Joe that Brad has passed away…. they never kept in contact after we stopped working together. But Joe constantly reminisces of our old work days and mentions Brad all the time.

    I found out Brad passed away through social media by checking up on him (Joe doesn’t have social media and thought we stopped talking to each other after we stopped working together). Do I tell Joe that Brad has passed? It’s so hard for me to keep it in…. I break down so much and have never grieved over losing someone. I had and always will have so much unconditional love in my heart for Brad, even though our paths didn’t align. He taught me a lot about my own personal journey and depth. I don’t think Joe would understand why I am upset over the situation and just tell me to get over it. Which might hurt even worse than dealing with these feelings alone… I think if I tell Joe I’ve known Brad has passed months ago he’ll be hurt I kept it from him . I even bought a memorial shirt for Brad which I’ve yet to bring home and just leave it at work… I feel maybe I can explain why I bought it after Joe is aware of the passing… I could go on and on… but thank you so much for this blog, it really helps.. xx

  • My ex and I married young. I was 18 and he was 20. We had 2 kids together and stayed married for only 6 years. The divorce was messy though and I really really didn’t like him after all was said and done. That was 14 years ago. The ‘kids’ are now adults. The last 4 years he really seemed to have changed. He wanted to be involved and also help out financially. He took the kids on lavish vacations and promised to stick around. Unfortunately, in August, he went missing. In September, we were notified he had been found several states away and had killed himself. I didn’t expect it to hurt me as much as it did. I feel like I’m not entitled to feel sad about losing him since we didn’t have much of a relationship the last 14 years. But all of the memories came back, slowly, but every day something reminds me of him. I wish I recognized the signs of his mental illness way back when were a couple. I can see them now, clear as day. I try to tell the kids about all of the good things I remember about when we were together but I feel like it’s too little too late…like I’m a hypocrite or something. I guess I’m just saw and wish things were different. I’m glad I found a place to at least say that.

  • @Ashley
    I believe you have every right to grieve another human being especially someone you cared about. You obviously are a caring individual – I encourage you to honor your feelings and work though them. You will heal those feelings in time. – JoAnne

  • I just found out that my first love died 6 months ago we were close for 6 years it ended bad and we haven’t talked in two years. I was going him to see how his business is holding up and a found his obituary. I’m confused by my feelings in every happy relationship right now but my heart aches and I feel sick I dont feel like i have the right to grieve

  • @Patty YES you were connected by love and that’s why you are heartbroken. Society thinks we should not have feelings for “ex’s” – but think about it – this was someone you loved and had children with. I would speak with your husband and share your feelings and ask that he support you in your grief journey.

  • @Donna Why is dead different? Because there is no longer the same closure. It’s also hard to hate someone who is dead. I might suggest you write him a letter telling him everything you were mad about and then forgive him and yourself by burning the letter as a symbol of letting it go. Rituals such as this are valuable as an act of letting go & healing – JoAnne

  • I lost my ex husband 2 months ago and still can’t believe he is gone. He left this world at age of 57, suddenly, in his sleep. We share a 32 year old daughter together. We both don’t have other children. I remarried and left our native country with our daughter 16 years ago, but my ex had never remarried. Our daughter is devastated since his passing. Although, we live so far away from him, he supported her unconditionally and they talked almost every day. I am in shock, I cant stop thinking and crying and praying. My second husband has not a clue what I am going thru now and I am not able to share with him my feelings. I know he would be upset, maybe some kind of jealous and will not understand why I am grieving my ex husband. My first husband was my high school love, my friend, the father of my child and we had such wonderful years together, being young and in love. I feel like I lost forever my ground and stability. We divorced because of other woman he felt in love, I just could not forgive him that and asked for divorce. Now I am realizing, I still love him and my grief, and our child’s grief is nothing but love, and we three were connected by this love.

  • My ex passed away after just 27 days after our divorce was final. We were together for 26 years. His dependency of pain killers was the death of our marriage. He became violent and hateful. We went through 4 years of court battles and he tried to ruin me in every way possible. He had no relationship with his 2 minor children and never supported them until court interference. He died and left all of his assets to his college friend and nothing to his children. This was one final F you to his family. Still after more than a year of him being gone, I find myself not knowing how to feel exactly. I no longer loved the man he was so I don’t know why I can’t get over this. If he was still alive I would hate him. Why now that he is dead do I feel different?

  • My ex-husband died two days ago.
    We met at university, I was 19, he was 22. We were together for 16 years and had two children. We have been divorced for more than 20 years.
    I divorced him because he was an alcoholic. A successful businessman but an abusive alcoholic who spent a fortune on hookers, slept with my best friend, drove my children when drunk, generally made my life hell for many years, even after the divorce. He died a horrible death, due to liver disease.
    A few years ago, I wouldn’t have attended his funeral. I thought I wouldn’t have cared.
    I now find myself in the invidious position of the ex-wife, as he had remarried, but his second wife (who had left him (for the same reasons I did) is the widow in the eyes of the world.
    I am struggling at the moment, as i have no place in the funeral process. I (and the part I played in his life) am going un-acknowledged – not by my children, obviously- but I feel airbrushed out of the picture, out of his life.
    I am grieving very badly for the lovely, funny, smart beautiful boy I met and married and whose children I bore. After i left him, he never apologised or even acknowledged what he had done, nor did he ever admit to being an alcoholic- right to the day he died. So much is unresolved and unresolvable and I accepted that long ago. I thought I’d grieved for what I’d lost and what we could have, should have, had.
    I am crying for the mess that he became, that his life became- it could all have been so different, and (most of all) I am crying for the terrible loss of that beautiful boy- the father of my children

  • My husband and I have three beautiful young children. I left him about three years ago because he was emotionally abusive and drank excessively. He passed away on 07.25.18. He was only 29. It’s so strange. This man was horrible to me the last three years we’ve been apart. Harassing me nonstop. Threatening me. I don’t know how to feel. Sad. Scared. Frustrated. Angry. But because we were not divorced and there are no separation papers I am now responsible for everything. Including the nice house I walked away from. He had no health coverage. And was behind on all his bills. I’ve had to cover all of them just to keep power to the house on. It’s so overwhelming. I’m trying to only focus on the children at this point. I have such an amazing family behind me but I never talked about what I went through. I don’t want to go to the memorial. I don’t belong.
    I’m so confused.
    And on top of it all the children are begging to live in his house again. I’m really a mess.

  • My ex-husband and I have been divorced for 18 years, we have a daughter – the only child for both of us. I re-married 16 years ago to a man from another country and moved there with my daughter. She occasionally visited her dad, but it was not that often as they both would like. They still had phone and online communication almost every day. My ex passed yesterday and our daughter is now traveling to our native place to bury him. She is devastated. I feel lost and heartbroken, can’t stop crying for him and for her. we will miss him terribly, I feel we three were always connected by love.

  • @Marty – It hurts because you cared – you loved him and he was part of our life if only for a time. Honor those feelings and you will heal in time. – JoAnne

  • @Michele I am so sorry for your loss but happy you shared your story. How lucky you were to have spent 20 years with Bob and that your kids have beautiful memories. – JoAnne

  • My ex-husband died 2 months ago; I and our son and his sister learned of it only last week. My ex remarried around 4 years ago, so he and/or his new wife elected not to inform any of us from his “former life” of his illness and then death. Our son feels dismissed and diminished on top of the shock of the death of his father. I have been overwhelmed at times with emotions – which surprise me to no end. He was the love of my life , for sure but an alcoholic who could not or would not stay in recovery. So our last chapter finally ended 8 years ago and we have spoken only occasionally since then. So my grief was surprising. I am mourning what we once had, what we then never had, but I think most of all it is the finality of it. As irrational as this is, the sentiment is “well, damn, now it really can’t be fixed”. Though it was unfixable for years, and I was certain of that. My reservoir of trust had gone to zero with him. He didn’t lie about much, but he lied constantly about alcohol and sobriety. So I was certain that there was no more future with him — so why does THIS finality feel so awful?

  • My ex husband, Bob, passed away on April 14, 2018. He stopped over to help me shovel snow and collapsed on my driveway. He suffered a major heart attack. When I saw him drop to his knees, I knew it wasn’t good. I called 911 instantly and he had help within 5 min but it wasn’t enough. When I arrived at the hospital, they continued to work on him for 20 minutes more, let me be by his side and talk to him. In that moment, my hand was on his naked shoulder and his smell brought back so many good memories. It was heartbreaking saying good bye to him and couldn’t stop saying how sorry I was. Our 18 yr old son was in the waiting room. Hardest thing I ever had to tell him was his dad did not make it. Our daughter was on her way home from college, thankfully she had her boyfriends parents drive her. Again, to have to tell her that her dad passed. The three of us were able to spend time with him while his body was still warm. I was happy for that as he didn’t look the same in the casket.
    Bob and I were married for 20 years, divorced for 4. Neither of us remarried or had another relationship. I planned the funeral with our kids as his family mostly had passed. I’m greatful I was with him when he died but I’m recently overcome with grief. I have sudden moments of crying and sadness that he’s no longer here. He didn’t want the divorce, I did. The last 2 years we’ve become closer and he always told our daughter, he’d only marry me again. I feel we had a love story but I will never know how it could’ve ended with us. I always told him he set the bar high. I don’t think I will ever meet another. I wish I would’ve tried harder and now I miss him so much. Our 18 yr old has changed and on a path of distruction and our daughter is confused with life. I feel we all are grieving in our own way. I’m hoping my son will see a therapist with me next week.
    Life is so short and never thought this would’ve happened but the one thing that keeps me going is knowing how much he really loved me.

  • @Chris Thanks for sharing your story – as you can read from the many comments on this post, you are not alone.

  • My ex-husband was very sick for many years and died in Jan. 2018. We divorced after 24 years when he got a girlfriend, drugs were also involved. We remained friendly for 15 yrs. I took care of him through triple bypass surgery instead of his girtfriend who was emotionally abusive and couldn’t have cared less. He promised me all his assets upon his death ($250,000) but he left it all to her even after all her abuse. In addition to the grief of watching him suffer and die. the grief of his betrayal, resentment toward his girlfriend and remorse for divorcing him are with me constantly. My family’s input is “it’s in the past.” Therapy only serves to vent. I live alone and am consumed with bitterness.

  • I was not expecting the grief that came with finding out my ex (who was an escort after being a stripper for years) who i divorced several years ago had passed. We had been together for a few years and married after my 1st marriage ended. We were only married a short while due to stresses that type of lifestyle brings to a relationship. i can’t seem to turn off my feelings.

  • @CD thanks for your comment. Trust your intuition on what the message my have meant, you will know. – JoAnne

  • I list my ex husband a few weeks ago. He was not I’ll and had no health problems. He was remarried for over 30 years. I too had remarried and had children from both marriages. We shared a grandchild so occasionally I would see him. We were on friendly terms. He even told me once that he eventually grew up and that I was still the love of his life.
    The reason I’m commenting is because of what happened a few hours before his sudden death.
    He contacted me through several text messages. He sent me a few pics of places we had been together when we were younger. He then told me he had to go. Then he said bye bye girl…. see you next time. He never talked like that.
    I got a call a few hours later telling me of his motorcycle accident and death. A chill went over me. I had not heard from him in forever and it seems like he knew, or had a strong urge to contact me to say goodbye,
    It’s been extreamly hard for me to understand what happened. Was it a coincidence or did he somehow know, because it sure does seem like he said goodbye to me forever.
    Any thoughts?

  • @Donna @all You are feeling grief because you loved! You have 3 children that have kept you connected. You are not alone here. – JoAnne

  • My ex husband had massive heart attack 6 days ago and is barely hanging on to life. I’m so overwhelmed by the intensity of grief I am feeling, I am so afraid he will die. My heart feels so broken. We were married for 9 yrs and had 3 amazing children together. Our marriage ended terribly, destroyed by his drug addiction. He was my first love. We have been apart for 20 years. I am remarried for 9 yrs together with my husband now 18 years. I’m so confused by my grief, do I still have love for my ex husband? Why am I hurting so bad?! Is this grief going to ruin my marriage now? I’m having such a hard time.

  • I am heartbroken. My first love died suddenly on April 13, 2018. We had been separated over 20 years. I have been married to another man for over 15 years. I just wasn’t expecting this deep aching hurt in my heart. I’m confused by it. I thought I loved him but it was my past. I thought I was past these feelings. But my only wish was that I had or more chance to tell him “I love you.” It’s been 20 years.
    I claimed his body, cremated his remains and brought him home. He is on my nightstand. I morbidly think I would sleep with his ashes if I could. It’s so bizarre to me. Why am I grieving so deeply and why aren’t his other ex-girlfriends or his immediate family? Why don’t they feel the loss? His presence has has disappeared from the universe and I feel it’s gone. I’m just, I don’t know, lost, hurt, heartbroken, angry, and so many other emotions I don’t even have names for yet.

  • My former husband passed away 11-11-2017. We were supposed to be remarried. He had a Drug Addiction that caused him an Enlarged heart and less than a month later he passed unexpectedly.

    I have not had any family support on either side and I feel all alone and angry.

    The only one who tried to help and bring to light that he needed recovery but I met walls EVERYTIME.
    I now am 57 no car no home homeless and wanting to not go on.
    I feel overlooked.

  • Deep loss and grief. He and I fell deeply in love more than 25 years ago. I was in an unhappy marriage and was naive, unconscious, immature, and impressionable, and had no family or friends to counsel me. So that we could be together, I divorced my husband and broke up my family of two children, while he promised me every weekend for a over a year that he would also leave his wife and young son. He didn’t have the courage to do it; eventually, though, she left him. We had a child together a few years later. A year and a half after, we broke up.
    He died suddenly on April 3. His ex-wife and son drove a long way to help with preparations and so that her son (who hadn’t seen his father for 12 years) could meet his sister (our daughter). I feared that meeting, yet the person he’d made out to be an angry monster, his ex-wife, was kind and beautiful; and his son is a wonderful human being, deeply spiritual, highly intelligent, compassionate. My daughter and her son are very happy to meet one another and want to continue their relationship despite the 4-hour-drive distance.
    I am grieving for both myself and my daughter. I don’t know how I can carry both of our sadness and loss.

  • @Muddlepup I am sorry for your sudden loss. Anytime we lose someone suddenly it is a shock. Remember, you are grieving because these were people you loved – that is simply why we grieve a death. Feeling your feelings and supporting your children during the time of their grief will be important. As you can see from this long thread of comments, you are not alone. – JoAnne

  • Hi! I just lost my ex on Easter Sunday 2018. He died in a fire with his mother whom I adored. Even though we have been divorced 25yrs we had two children and I’m devastated. I don’t know if it was the horrible and tragic way they died or the suddenness of the accident but I’m having a bad time. I couldn’t go to the funeral because my daughter needed me to stay behind to care for her children while she made arrangements for her father and grandmother.

    I’m scared I won’t be of any comfort to her when she returns or I will say the wrong thing.

  • I just lost my ex husband yesteday (3/29/18) from Stage IV Prostate Cancer. I am totally devastated!

    Here is my story.
    Our marriage was a quickie marriage, we had not dated very long, we eloped and married in Las Vegas. I would say we both were rather young both in our mid and late 20s. Our marriage lasted for three short years, no children. I was the one who ended up divorcing my husband due our marriage was just wanning and lost it’s luster. One night we had a huge argument which ended up in a very painful physical fight. The next morning I decided the marriage was not worth saving so I filed for divorce. I moved out and we both went our separate ways. I remarried 7 years later while he remarried 3 years later.

    To make a long story short if I can that is —my ex husband came back into my life two and one-half years ago.( Please note, 50 years had past by this time.) On day, out of the blue, I received a short letter in the mail writing he still loved me and wanted to get in touch with me, gave me his phone # to call him also asked for my email address. (I said no not at this time.) I was more or less happily married then. Since he never received a letter from me because I never answered, along came a second letter about a month later requesting same as the first note. He mentioned that his wife had passed away two years earlier. OMG, said to myself, I better write him back and let him know I was happily married and not interested. Well, he answered my letter, which was his third letter to me. When he found out I was married he apoligized profusely for writing as he had information that my husband had passed away. NOT.He was set straight. By that time something about him picqued my interest just a little so again another letter was written to him. That is how our friendship started again.

    Now two and one-half years have past. I must confess since we have written each other many letters (all of them have been saved) all this time and the more we wrote the more we both became interested in each other all over again. A romance soon blossomed (at least on my part) and I was hooked all over again. (My husband is a very understanding husband. I asked him first before we started to correspond if he would be okay with it. He said okay. Some of our letters I have read to him, all friendly of course.

    T/O these past few years my ex has been very caring, very giving toward me like I never knew he could be . He had apologized profusely for all his wrong doings during our marriage and took all the blame for our breakup. Another problem in our marriage. (You see my ex was VERY jealous of me that I felt so uncomfortable most of the time if we went out anywhere or to parties, etc. Oh, yes, there were some big scenes to contend with.) My ex told me how heartbroken he was when I left him and what a rough time he had by me leaving him, and the divorce, too..

    Rcently he had sent me money, (won a good size amt. $$$ /lotto and shared with me) , stamps for my letters to him, flowers for every holiday, money for our pet dog who needs vet attention, Christmas presents (a huge pack of frozen foods for my husband and I.) Also, I found out my husband did very well financially t/o the years. That is another story.

    Okay, that is the good news. Now for the bad news. We were going along very nicely, our friendship was growing solid, then all of a sudden, he went to see his doctor for prostate problems. He took all the tests to be given and then waited for the results. He wrote back to me that “It was not good.” it was Stage IV Prostate Cancer! My heart dropped when he told me the bad news. That was back in September 2017. Why was this hapopening to us just when we were getting to know each other so much more than we ever had in our three years of marriage. We found out we really liked each other all over again! Our friendship was going along at a strong pace.

    The months have passed to the present. He had been getting a little worse with his cancer with each passing month. I finally gave him my email address and what a blessing. We had been able to send old photos, old memories of us from years past. Last Christmas with our emails, we both professed our secret love with one another.There was nothing we could do but keep it a secret.

    My ex took a turn for the worse this past month, was put on Hospice care. Last Monday night was the very last night we spoke with one another on the phone. At that time he was in really good spirits, very aware of what was going on around him. We even made a committment to meet each other for the first time in 50 years in just two weeks time! (I live in the next state over so it was not easty to see him.) I had prayed and prayed he would last for us to finally meet. It did not happen. He was back in the hospital again with big problems — blood in his urine and a Foley Catheter for blood clotting. His cancer had spread to his bones and his lymph nodes. Yesterday morning I received the call from his son in law, that my ex had passed away in the hospital. I AM HEARTBROKEN! I just lost my best friend forever. I am in shock.

  • My ex husband passed on 2/28/2018 suddenly at 45 yrs of age. We shared 1 son together who is now 24 yrs old. We had been divorced 22 years and Im remarried but we always kept in touch over the years and he always told me how me he loved me still after being seperated so long! I thought is this man crazy we have been apart 22 years?!I have 3 children with my 2nd husband! But now I just feel guilt. My son was pushed to make the arrangements but was so broken he couldnt. So guess who did? Me. And im bothered by that as well. He got the last laugh i suppose because I honestly believe that he would of loved that it was me who did it all. But I was broken to.I never thought I would feel this way. I spoke to him the day before he passed and were close the last couple month before he passed. My son had just had his first child and we were so excited to have our first grandchild! He was giving things away as if he knew his death was near. This haunts me…what ifs haunt me…Im so sad i can barely function and luckily I have a understanding husband I can cry to.Im so thankful for that! But dealing with the cremation and picking up his belongings from the funeral home. Prayers he had written at work that were found that i have and his cousin telling me when I got married he cried. Although my 2nd husband and I have been together 22 yrs we only married last year in July. Has been more then i can bare and has made the loss worse. Im not sure how to cope, my son seems to be dealing with it better and my main focus was him and making things easier on him but now im left to pick up the pieces and not sure how….

  • My ex husband passed on 2/28/2018 suddenly at 45 yrs of age. We shared 1 son together who is now 24 yrs old. We had been divorced 22 years and Im remarried but we always kept in touch over the years and he always told me how me he loved me still after being seperated so long! I thought is this man crazy we have been apart 22 years?!I have 3 children with my 2nd husband! But now I just feel guilt. My son was pushed to make the arrangements but was so broken he couldnt. So guess who did? Me. And im bothered by that as well. He got the last laugh i suppose because I honestly believe that he would of loved that it was me who did it all. But I was broken to.I never thought I would feel this way. I spoke to him the day before he passed and were close the last month he passed. He was giving things away as if he knew his death was near. This haunts me…what ifs haunt me…Im so sad i can barely function and luckily I have a understanding husband I can cry to.Im so thankful for that! But dealing with the cremation and picking up his belongings from the funeral home. Prayers he had written at work that were found that i have and his cousin telling me when I got married he cried. Although my 2nd husband and I have been together 22 yrs we only married last year in July. Has been more then i can bare and has made the loss worse. Im not sure how to cope, my son seems to be dealing with it better and my main focus was him and making things easier on him but now im left to pick up the pieces and not sure how….

  • My husband of 22 years is dying of cancer. We are/were in the middle of a divorce. I had filed for it after learning of his very long term affair with his former girlfriend. We have 3 teen/young adult children who are torn up from his affair and now having to deal with his death. He chose a job that had him travel out of town often. He wasn’t a good father or husband emotionally. He never developed a good relationship with his children and although he now realizes it he is not willing to change anything in his final year.
    He is living 400 miles away ( down by ex girlfriend) and only sees our youngest who is a hs junior once a month.
    I offered my help and even a room in my house but he is being very mean. He is still angry that I caught him in his affair. He wants to finalize the divorce before he dies to spite me. He has stated that he doesn’t want me to have any of “his ” money and he wants me to be divorced not widowed.
    I feel very sorry for him.

  • @Kathy it certainly makes sense you would grieve someone you spent so many years of your life with. Honor those feelings and know you are not alone in them. – JoAnne

  • Hello @Leah I see your anger and frustration. I would suggest you talk with a grief counselor who specializes in suicide and ask how you can talk with your children. There may be a suicide support group in your city which is something you can search or online. There are many online organizations, here is one: http://www.allianceofhope.org

    You can’t change the past, but you can help yourself and your children to forgive and honor the beautiful person he was at the time you were together. – JoAnne

  • Hello so many things have happened in my life I could write a book but the one thing that is still haunting me is my ex-husband Eric and I had gone our separate ways. After months of turmoil and fighting, we had finally reached a point where we were at peace with one another. He had realized that he had destroyed the marriage with his infidelity/lies/abuse and drug use.
    I, on the other hand, had been set free of the negativity surrounding what had happened between us and just wanted him to get better for himself and could never understand what he was doing and why. I knew we would never be again but I was always hoping he would come good .He hit rock bottom and i was still hoping he clean his life up and start anew. I was wrong.
    On 2/11/2017, he took his own life. At the age of 42. . It is so surreal. I was over him and had mourned the loss of what he used to be when I initially left him but now I feel as if I am right back at square one. His friends told me what he had done ultimately it was his own actions “broke the camel’s back,” but I still feel as if I could have done something to save him for our girls.
    I guess I am really confused and angry and in need of some guidance/support. Our two girls think that he was murdered from the company he kept, which put me on another journey to found out what he was up to. And now I’m left to explain to them that he committed suicide. Even though I didn’t want him back, I DID want him to be happy and get better for himself.
    Though his company did not want that for him they used him for money and his behavior to make themselves feel good no one was looking out for him. As our daughters were getting older .he only wanted the best for our girls and wanted to help them he loved them so much .From this evil life he created and the evil people he was with he could not get out .This is so hard for me to come to terms with and I must find a way has anyone else gone through something like this?

  • Hello,
    We were at the very end of our divorce when my husband became sick with cancer and passed away. His family despised me so I was not allowed to see him. My 3 daughters wanted me for support so I stayed at the rented house while the took shifts at the hospital. They are grown, 39,41 and 43
    years young. So I’m actually a widow. We
    were both in other relationships for a year
    prior to his death. It was hard to grieve. I had
    feelings of guilt, remorse….. my daughters told me he cried out for me during the last hours of his death. That hurt my heart very much. We were married for 43 years. We still loved each other, just could not live together.

  • My sons father passed away 1/26/2018, and it came by surprise. He was only 35 years old. Our relationship was when we was younger and there was love. Real love. This man told me that he loved me and I know that was hard for him because he had issues with trusting women. After I found out I was pregnant, he was okay until it was time for me to have the baby. He began to push me away. I did not understand then. He was afraid. He background is complicated but I wish I would of had more time to express these feelings that I had about when we was together and how I forgave him. I wish he had more time with his son who is now 14. He really stepped away because I did not want my son around the toxic lifestyle he was living and was trying to get away from. I moved on with a heavy heart because I did not want to have other children with someone else and go through the same thing. I eventually was ok and moved on to have 4 more children. Through the years, I would reach out to him wanting to fix the issue and have him around his son. It did not work. But recently, we were able to talk and he was able to be with his son. I was nervous but it worked out. I just wish they had more time. My son is hurt and I feel that I am to blame as well. Being young and not knowing the things now hurts. I am mad at his dad for not making the change in his life sooner. I miss him too. Even though we were not talking everyday, the memories of when we had time together is hitting me hard because our son was mad out of love. I dont know how to do through this with the man I am with now. I have been with him for 10 years out of the 14 years that my son is now. I dont know how to say that I loved him and this is why I am hurting inside with out him feeling any kind of way. I just dont want to feel like this. When I look and embrace my son, it is his dad I see. It takes me back to those happy memories and ones that were not so happy. I wish he had the help he needed. All of this is so fresh and he has 3 other children, one on the way with 3 other women. I was the first and those relationships were not really ones. This hurts. I just met the 2 other women and the kids. I want the kids to be able to be around each other. These last two women are 10 years younger than him and I, it does not seem that they are processing anything because they caught him where he was just floating from woman to woman and made it known. But that was not our case. When we broke up, there was no one else. He wasnt ready to deal with the issues. He loved his children so much. He may not of been the best in the start, but he became that here in the end. I think that we was to afraid to say that we really loved each other and we could still go on.

  • Hello @Dot, his grief has nothing to do with you and yet I feel you taking his grief personally. Regardless of the number of years in your marriage, this woman was the mother of the children and he once loved her . Grief is funny, it can sneak up on our feeling when we least expect it and has no reference to time. I encourage you to be in your marriage as always – he will work through his grief in his own time.- JoAnne

  • My husband of 37 years has been grieving over the death of his first wife and they got divorced 40 years ago. I have helped to raise his sons, been 100 % involved in the family, held annual family get together, and paid the greater part of all expenses. I threw myself into this family and was accepted. The grandkids love me. Some more than they ever could this ex. We are in our senior years. His kids are in their 50s. My husband just told me how much he is grieving and I should understand. Should I? She had an option to live longer, get an operation but it was her choice to end her life. If he still loves her, that is why he is grieving isn’t it but he claims he doesn’t love her.I told him to keep his feelings to himself. We have been pretty happily married for 37 years. I have never heard of grieving over an ex of so many years ago.

  • @Rick thank you for sharing your feeling. Writing a letter is a beautiful way to share, Find ways with you children to honor her beautiful memory. – JoAnne

  • I was married to my wife for 25 years. We have 3 beautiful daughters. We were separated for 5 years and the divorce was final last Oct. She was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in January. Now(in Nov) she has days to live. My grief caught me by surprise. I know I still loved her but I didn’t know to what extent. I moved out of our house after living in the garage for 4 years. She was extremely hurt and did not want me around. I understood her being hurt so I did not fight back.

    Now I think about the happy times and I almost cannot bear it. The other day, my middle child told me her mother was scared and a wave of guilt washed over me like I have never felt. I was thinking I am not where I am supposed to be, I should be there for her during this time. I was supposed to protect her. (even though I could not, even if I was there) I failed as a husband.

    I was able to write her a short letter, telling her how I feel. Not sure if she has read it or not.

    I don’t know when she will pass, but I know it will be difficult for everyone involved.

    Even me.

  • I don’t expect you to print this and I will never check out your site again.

    My ex sister in law cheated on my brother. She caused him a lot of pain and suffering. She married another man.

    When my brother died he requested that she not attend his funeral or visitation. I did not honor that because I read your article about forgiveness. Long story short it was terrible. At the visitation she was flaunting her husband around and laughing and joking with people. My family and I kicked her out of the visitation and forbade her from attending the funeral. She didn’t take the hint so we called the police who arrested her for trespass.

    I get it. You want to make people feel better about hurting people and suffering the social consequences. Those norms are there for a reason.

  • My ex wife and I finalized our divorce in March 2017. After close to 7 years of marriage, and being together for over 12 years this was really hard. My wife had Cystic Fibrosis, a genetic, uncurable terminal illness… so after a lot of physical, emotional and mental challenges the divorce was exceptionally tough. Things got nasty, accusations were made; I was constantly defending myself in the end… she said some pretty harsh things and accusations of my own mother… then a day later called the police on me to have me removed from our apartment. When I returned the next day she had packed up her stuff and moved to her dad’s.

    We’d talk, not talk…. she spent a lot of time blocking my calls and emails, I would get upset and do the same; we never really gave reconciliation a fair shot- then she hit me with divorce papers. Court got ugly, and with her disability- I got put through the ringer. Which in turn made me upset.

    Fast forward through all this… I just found out through word of mouth that she had passed away last night. As angry as I would get, I never wanted this to happen to her- I wanted her to take better care of herself because she KNEW how to do it without me. A lot of the things like drinking, late nights, etc – were breaking points for me in our relationship and ultimately cost me my best friend.

    With her illness, I always knew this day would be here.. kind of like a black cloud over my shoulder at all times. But I’m still really feeling this emotionally, because the divorce still seems to be more of a shock than her passing away. It’s all just a lot of different waves/ranges of emotions, and I’ve been pretty overwhelmed the last 12 hours or so.

  • It is confusing grieving a man I grieved at the end of a marriage. He was such a blessing to so many in so many ways. I loved him deeply and carry that love within me even now. As memories roll through my mind and my heart, I am thankful and grateful for our 21 years of marriage and the lifelong bond that we had. Our Son is our legacy of love. It is comforting to know that I am not alone with this grief and that I will walk through this grieving journey gently, knowing that I must.

  • An ex that I havent seen or spoken to in 4 years committed suicide recently. I have never felt the kind of connection with anyone as I had with him, the kind of instant familiarity, the kind of soul recognition that makes you feel as if youve spent a thousand lifetimes together. Unfortunately, we were both very young and unstable, and the time was not right for us to be together. I went on to marry someone else, and he went on to have other relationships. For the past 7 years since we were together, I could never get him out of my heart and mind. I made a commitment to my husband and stuck by it, foolishly thinking that my ex and I would come back together if/when the time was right if thats what was ‘meant to be’. I neglected to seriously consider the fact that if I felt so strongly for someone after that much time being apart, after that much time not even seeing or speaking with him, that perhaps I shouldnt ignore those feelings. I passed on every opportunity that the universe gave me to reconnect, out of fear of being honest with myself, how it would hurt my family, how despite having these feelings that acting on them would be unfair to my husband, and the possibility that in all of this i was just crazy. And now i feel even more deeply messed up. I dont know how to deal with my feelings… Regret, for a long series of decisions made from a place of fear; Guilt, for having so much love for someone who needed it so badly, and keeping it to myself; Sorrow, knowing how deeply he was hurting and how alone he felt in the world. Despair, feelings as if Ive irreparibly messed my life and his up. I cant shake the feeling that I am the protagonist in the greatest tragedy of my life. Im constantly wishing for him to walk through the door (although I was always wishing for this to some degree), constantly looking for signs that he is with me, delusionally thinking that maybe this was the only possible way for us to be together… What a sick coincidence it is that he ended his life on my and my husbands anniversary… I feel like I’m losing my mind… I have felt sick to my stomach and severely anxious in the weeks since I found out… Which was from a friend, who received a message from the lady that found him – Who decided a month after his passing to inform his friends, because his own family did not let anybody know and held a private service with only immediate family members. I have looked for where he might be laid to rest and I cant find him, leaving me wondering what his family has done with him. I cant find closure and because my feelings before his passing were ones that I always kept to myself, my feelings now are my own burden to bear… I grieve alone. Maybe this is what I deserve for not following my heart or being true to myself.

  • I divorced my ex 3 years ago. 2 moths after our divorce was final he was diagnosed with cancer. My older son lives with him in the house. I’ve been helping all I can, financially, medically, paying his health insurance and gave him a car to get to treatments. He continually asked me to come home but I just wasn’t sure. He also does not give me all information. He goes from loving me to hating me and berating me terribly. He said yesterday that he received results from his biopsy and that he’s dying, he actually screamed it at me, told me to get out and has, many times blamed me for his cancer and iimending death because of stress. I’ve done so much to try to alleviate his stress. I’m having a really hard time with this.

  • hello @Sadenia, Sometimes guilt is part of the grieving process, however as my colleague Marty Tousley says, “Harsh as it may seem, consider that even if you had done things differently, your loved one still could have died in some other way at some other time! Sometimes we act as if we can control the random hazards of existence, even when we know that death is a fact of life. “Please remember the love you shared and treasure those memories. – JoAnne

  • ‘@Vanessa’ I am so sorry for your loss. I encourage you to hold in your heart why you loved this man at one time in your life. – JoAnne

  • Glad I found this site, all your words are a comfort to me. I am looking for understanding, acceptance and perhaps closure.
    My ex has just died without much warning.
    Our story is a lifetime long, involving: three countries, two religious backgrounds, drugs, music, accidents, three languages.
    I met my ex when I was 18 and he 23. I was born and raised catholic in Scotland. He was born in a small mountainous village in Algeria, North Africa. He was raised in Paris, France. As a Muslim.

    Both of us came together after myself and guitar- playing friend went from Glasgow to Paris on a busking adventure in Springtime. We hitch-hiked to Paris and found ourselves in a poor suburb near a rundown youth hostel asking a cafe owner if we could play music for our coffee and croissant.

    To explain more clearly this was 1978 and I was an amateur singer, my voice was good and my guitar playing friend playing “Johnny be Good” brought the cafe to a standstill and we were fed and watered for a week as long as we kept playing our rock and roll.
    A bunch of runaround French boys jumped into the cafe and one of them was the most handsome prince I had ever seen.
    I will call him Mehand, he was sparkling and clearly the king pin of the lads.
    They gave us a place to rest, not that we rested- me and he flirted all week and we parted as pen pals. None of us spoke the same language, but through his pigeon English and my school girl French, he told me he was involved in a car crash and he was receiving compensation for the glass that went through one of his eyes, today’s equivalent of £3,000,000.
    But at this point we were young, poor and full of fun, life was one big party, and our backgrounds were similar, working poor.
    Both of us were eldest children of big broods. He told me he was originally from a small village in Algeria. To me he was a prince from far far away and to him I was a princess from a different far far away.

    Two years on I returned to Paris and we were both with different partners but I was still a street musician. He, on the other hand had received his ‘compensation money’ and was a rich young man with a flat in the centre of Paris, living with an older French woman and her two young children by another man. She didn’t like it when me and my new boyfriend showed up looking for a floor to sleep on as we made our way through France to pick grapes in the south.

    We left as friends and me being a free spirit knew we would always be friends.

    Two years later I am now living in London successfully singing and touring with chart topping pop musicians as a background singer and we hit Paris.
    I call up my old friends and those runaround boys including Mehand all came to see me perform. He was now single, so was I and we consummated our friendship that night.
    During the next five years me and Mehand jet setted all over Europe- I met his family he met mine, we all fell in love with each other his family adored me and my family adored him. We all partied and laughed and loved one another, I felt like I’d found me soulmate.
    He was clean and tidy while I was scattered and messy, we spent money like water, sometimes I was working, other times not. He was a factory foreman.

    I got pregnant and we married quietly in London. For four years we were blissful. A music band I formed went to the top of the charts all over the world and he stopped his work in Paris and moved to London to be with me full time.

    As all things must pass, my band split, I couldn’t communicate my needs and I couldn’t navigate or be the simple girl I was before. I became depressed, lost and I began seeing my prince as a stranger. We argued over everything and nothing. I fell pregnant again and felt pressure to keep up the success I had just experienced, money was still ok but I felt it was all ‘on me’ and I lost loving romantic feelings for Mehand.
    Because I’d shot into the stratosphere of music and now was recognised wherever I went my sense of anxiety rose.

    Our families couldn’t reach me and I went with a guitar player who unbeknownst to me was a serial cheater, disguised as a confidante and understanding support.
    I fell for it and him and broke all our hearts right in the middle of my 2nd pregnancy. It lasted 3 months. But my heart was his and I couldn’t get it back. I tried therapy with Mehand, and mediation but I wanted to live in separate homes in the same area so we could both be with the kids.

    My ‘prince’ now punished me and was constantly angry with me and after two years and watching me turn away from him and his anger he stole money from our account and left me with the baby and my young four-six year old, while I also had to salvaged our finances by working on a new album, I was asked to go record in the USA at the behest of a new record company that would pay off our tax bills, our savings now depleted by Mehand and his attempts to mend his broken heart with cocaine, grass and alcohol all on our joint money which was in truth just my earnings.
    We amicably decided he would look after the kids for a year in Paris and I would find my way there to see if we had a saveable marriage. As soon as he got them there he stopped all contact with me and sent aggressive lawyer letters claiming money and custody. I realised I was in the fight of my life. My sons were everything to me.

    After another 2 years of back and forth courts cases, a custody battle which probably promoted the cancer that eventually killed my father in 1997 I won my sons back home, his family were now estranged but I was determined to create an open door for him and our sons For 23 years now we have managed to become friends again although he went on rebound after rebound and had two more kids by someone of his culture and Parisian life then, when that exploded into nothing, I supported him at a distance. His mum got dementia and he became the main carer returning to Algeria with her and marrying a woman there whom he had four girls with. I moved back to Glasgow, Scotland and married a very old freind I’ve found real companionship with.

    Mehand worked in Paris and our boys had him in there lives although, as all young do, they eventually tired of any burden. They have their own lives and are now 29 & 25.
    On Saturday their dad Mehand died and we discovered his body was riddled with cancer. Aggressive and quick it took his life, a few short days after we heard of him collapsing.

    It is now Tuesday and although my sons are ok – I am not – I can’t stop crying and I know that I loved him deeply from 18 to 58 I cared enough to try and maintain connection.

    I have guilt in that perhaps had I not fallen out of romantic love with Mehand when I was a lost 32 year old these years would have not been so filled with pain for all our families. Mehand was never emotionally aware enough to see that our path just hit a hurricane, and that if he could have forgiven me we might have found each other again.
    His aggressiveness with our children pushed me away further. I know he wanted them to be in France, brought up by his family and made to forget about me while he received income from me forever. I couldn’t reach him.

    Away from me and the kids he continued on his surface cocaine partying path – a lovely man but not deep or self aware- detached from himself and his emotions. I see that now. We were never gonna be suited for that reason, there was only our romantic images and the depth of understanding each other got killed with one major bump in our road.
    My anxiety and his detachment.

    I cry all day and night – my husband has work in America until November so I am here, feeling like a widow.
    Cultural norms for Mehands real widow demand that his eldest sons take their fathers place in caring for his land in Algeria and his family of young girls aged 9-16 that he couldn’t afford to raise. I’m very protective of them and I point out to them that they are not their dad and not responsible for his choices. Nor mine.

    But last night I was alone with Snow White and the seven Dwarfs a movie I saw at 4 years old and I wept through “someday my prince will come.

    I hope our relationship didn’t kill him early at age 62.

    I’m praying for him all the time – his body will be flown from Paris to Algeria tomorrow. How do I cope with my grief? I’m wanting to seek out pychics – Please help.

  • My ex-husband just passed away last week from cancer. We were married legally for 8 years, but separated in the fifth year of our marriage. Our divorce was finalized in July 2017 and he passed three months afterwards. I felt guilty because when I was trying to serve him divorce papers last year 2016 he had found out he had cancer. I felt guilty for wanting to continue living my life, although, he had moved on with someone else and was battling for his own. I continued with the divorce and he never showed up for any of the court dates so it became a judgment divorce. I even expressed my care and concern for him after hearing his cancer diagnosis which I sent a message through his best friend to give to him. The best friend relayed to me that his response was negative from both current girlfriend and him. That hurt me because I didn’t do anything to him. He cheated on me several times even impregnating another woman and I had had enough and decided to leave. I honestly felt horrible that he had cancer he was only 32 at the time of his diagnosis. Fast forward to last week my sister called me at work and told me he had passed and my emotions caught me off guard. My boss had to send me home because I was so distraught. I was truly sad. I thought about his three children. He and I did not have any kids together, but he helped to raise my three kids in those eight years we were together and I helped to raise two of his. We were each others first marriage. He was younger than me by seven years and that caused a lot of problems in our marriage. I been struggling with the decision to attend his viewing and service this upcoming weekend. There was never any bad blood between his family and I and I know they wouldn’t mind my presence. My concern is for the current girlfriend. I do not want any problems. I do not want to sit with the family because those ties were severed when we got divorced but I’m also afraid attending will open up wounds that I have tried to bury and be done with. I went through feelings of sadness and anger. I have good memories and bad memories. I still have the dents in two of my doors at my house that he punched instead of hitting me. I did tell my children who are 19,19 and 17 if they wanted to go I would go with them but they have all said they rather not attend. All my friends and my family say not to go because we haven’t spoken in almost 2 1/2 years and we were not friends upon parting and that I would be stepping on his current girlfriends toes. My heart won’t let me be mean and just treat this like its just another regular person passing from cancer. Not sure if I should just keep away from his family and friends or go and pay my respects to them when in reality funerals are for the living not the dead.

  • I was married to my ex husband for almost 9 years and we divorced in 2013. I just found out he died yesterday October 13 2017. I’ve believed for some months that he already passed away and “grieved”. When I got notified this morning I had a hard time cycling to work. As I prayed for him and said goodbye to him, I started crying. I started to stop the tears as I was going to work. I work at an airport and check passengers in for flights. I actually felt better being at work with the distraction of a cancelled flight and further delays on other flights. What truly brought everything into perspective were the reaction of a small minority of people who wanted to argue with me over a mechanical delay. Here I was, thinking inside, my ex husband will never draw another breath and the airline cancelled your flight and you are losing your mind?

    My ex was a type 2 diabetic and didn’t take care of his health and was often drinking soda and not exercising. We had lost contact after our separation in November 2011 until he reached out to me via email almost 2 years ago on New Year’s Day stating that he’d been sick. He had throat cancer and had to have surgery to remove his lymph nodes as the cancer was there.

    We remained in touch and reached out once a year via email. He kept me informed about our fur babies that he took with him when he left. Sadly one of them died of cancer. He was then placed on disability and was also getting a pension and he wasn’t even 46. The last email I got from him explained that he was concerned that he wasn’t feeling well and was still losing weight, after spending 7 weeks in hospital for treatment. I didn’t hear from him again and that was in the summer of 2016.

    His business associate and friend contacted me to inform me of his death this morning and I can’t stop crying now I’m home from work. Even though I have moved on and have a new man in my life, I’m sad over the loss of Brad. We didn’t have any children. I miss him right now. I wanted to let him know how much he helped me.

    I haven’t seen him or spoken to him in 5 years 🙁 Now he’s gone!

  • Karen –
    I encourage you to let the guilt go – you can’t change any of the past. You have control of today only. You can grieve in your own space and time. Grief and mourning do not have to be done at a funeral or wake to take the journey. We often put too much emphasis on the actions of other people who don’t know anything about your history. You get to choose from here on out how you will remember and how you will experience your grief. – JoAnne

  • Joseph,
    Thank you for sharing your beautiful note to Karen.

  • Kristin on February 20, 2014 at 3:01 pm
    I think you should seriously consider.. taking charge of your own life.
    Give him some time to figure this out.
    Good luck, and peace for your soul.

  • My husband and I separated in May of this year 2017. There was a lot of emotional, verbal, substance and finally 1 time physical abuse. He left our home upon my request and begged and begged to come back. I had finally had enough. I decided to move back out of state where I was when we reconnected. (We had known each other from high school) I let him come back to the house for what was going to be my last 2 weeks there and day 2 we argued and that is when he hit me. He called 911 saying I hit him trying to get me in trouble. It was like he just “lost it”. Long story short he ended up in jail that night. I sold what I could packed what I could and left the rest and took off. He was in jail for 3 weeks and when he got out the harrassing got worse. He blew my phone up at least 40 times a day. Then one day he called and said he had had enough. He apologized for everything he had put me through and told me goodbye he was going to end his life the next day. I blew him off as I had heard this many times before. The next day he called me at 415 and I did not answer as I was mad at him. 45 minutes later I got a text from someone saying he wasn’t breathing something was wrong. I told them to call 911. They drove him to the fire station down the road and 30 minutes after that I received a call from the PD Chaplain telling me my husband was gone……the guilt I live with daily is unbearable. His family no longer responds to my texts, they planned a visitation without me and many people have messaged and publicly posted on my FB page that I don’t deserve to grieve because I outed him for hitting me. Why don’t I deserve to grieve? I loved him for almost 5 years!!!! I have not posted a word on Facebook because of these people but I should be able to grieve my husbands death……I’m just heartbroken. It was a month ago when I last heard his voice….

  • Dear Karen,
    As the days get further away from the day of your passing I find the pain of losing you to Cancer on the surface begins to subside. But on this day I feel the pain under the surface more apparent. This is the pain that never will subside. On this day just like every other day I miss you. But for some reason today the pain of missing you has risen to the surface. I always think of you and wonder what we’d be doing if you were still here. I read your text messages as a way to calm me knowing that those are your actual words, not something I’m imagining what you would say. The last text message you sent me ended with “I Love You” as your last words to me were the same. I hope you know how much I miss you and I really hope you know how much I love you. I know God knows. You are now gone and I’ve been left behind but everyone says that I still have a Path to follow and its the Path God created for me . As I live out the rest of my days and try to figure out what I’m suppose to do for the rest of my life I can only hope and pray that the path God created for me leads me back to you. I miss you so much and I love you even more. You are the true love of my life forever. Till we meet again my love.


  • In 2004 I was 18 I met my ex husband Nick Vidal he was handsome and charming. In 2005 I moved in with him and went to college. His mom had passed in 2005. She was sick, RIP. Nick and I were inseparable we called each other mama and papa Birdies. He called me his goofy birdie. He was so handsome. His moms death took a toll on him for the worst the drinking. But I told myself that’s how he’ll handle things inside. Now knowing that was not heathly at all for himself. I was young. Nick and I would do our birdie dance by moving our heads and shoulders side to side. While playing the song sailing by Christopher Cross. Nick and I started to hit rock bottom. We were just fighting so I left in 2012. In 2014 I learned he was in the ICu. The next day he was gone. He hemorrhaged in the brain and supposedly it was bad. I saw the doc. I told them there is surgery. He needs to get better. His best friend M. Was yelling don’t pull the plug he needs rest. His siblings were just like let’s just do it already. I was shocked I was crying so hard I was so much disbelieve that he was that sick. I just remember crying and praying to him. I loved him so much he was my soul mate. I should had stayed w him maybe he would still be here today. I actually blamed myself for his death. The pain is real it doesn’t go away. My heart and soul feels so empty.

  • At age 20 I married for all the wrong reasons. He was 25, and at times emotionally abusive and jealous. We had a daughter together but divorced after 10 years. That was 22 years ago. His family was always wonderful to me and we stayed friendly, and we raised a beautiful young lady without drama, without games or bitterness. He passed at age 56 after a two year battle with cancer. Needless to say our daughters world has been rocked, they were so close. And though I remarried 10 years ago, I am having a hard time wrapping my brain around his passing which was 5 months ago. I cry just thinking about him and how unfair it is that he left this world much too soon. How he won’t be around to walk our daughter down the aisle should she marry, and all the other events he had every right to stay here and witness. I want to scream and curse and sob !!!! My husband is indifferent and not attune to any of my emotional needs and I feel as if I have no outlet for these feelings, so I am grateful for this opportunity to vent. My ex lived with his girlfriend for 15 years and I am grateful also to her and his family for including me in the services which were notable as he was in the local fire department. It was beautiful and heart wrenching. I was able to sit with them and my daughter and be a part of the family. I consider myself so lucky to have had that. I guess I loved him like a friend, beloved father of our daughter…and I just wish Cancer didn’t take him..😢

  • My ex husband passed a week and a half ago, it was a bitter divorce, he was abusive in the end, although I did not have children with him, he raised mine from very young for 8 years, I have not had contact with him since we was at the court house, my daughter guraduated recently and contacted his parents, so they contacted her after he had a heart attack. I didn’t understand why I was so affected, but I am, my husband now was very supportive, and held me while I cried. I’m so thankful for that, and for him. My ex was only 40 years old, and suffered a heart attack, and now I am so scared for the health of my loved ones as well as myself, to the point that it’s causing me to have anxiety attacks. I’m very glad I found this site. RIP Chris

  • Hi all me x husband passed away and just to share that we are human beings and have a right to feel emotional loss. Anyone you have had a relationship with and passes will cause sadness and sometimes regrets. we need to share our sadness with those we love and hope that if there is a new spouse partner or children that they love and respect you enough to allow you time to grieve no matter how much pain you experience while that person was alive.. As people we need to love to forgive to respect and no one has the right to judge you, cry your heart out and find peace all the while staying in touch with the current people whom you have come to love , by sharing your feelings and looking to them for that much needed hug and kind word. Be true to yourself. God Bless.

  • I dated a great woman for 11 years. We had a tumultuous relationship over those years. We were engaged twice during this time but I finally ended it with her in September of 2012. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in June 2011. When she was diagnosed we were on a break. When I found out about I immediately went back to her to help her. I loved her but we just couldn’t live together. I broke up again the following year due to a dispute that now seems so miniscule. We had minimal contact up until August of 2016. I thought I had moved on with my life and had already was in a relationship with another woman. But something was tugging at me and all I could think about was my ex. I denied harboring any feelings for her until I could no longer deny it. I broke up with the woman because I knew I could no longer pretend about my feelings. I was still in love with my ex. And you know what they say, when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you want it start right in that instant. Well we got back together and we were both as happy as we ever were with each other. I finally realized she was the woman I loved and always had. We started talking about marriage but unfortunately her cancer had spread to her lungs about 2 months later. We got back together in August of 2016 and she died on May 12th 2017. My grief is immense and my love for her is unmeasured. I feel I wasted 4 years that could of been spent with her. I know I got to spend her last months with her and I take solace in that. But I would do anything to have her back with me. She was only 59. I will miss her until the end of my days.

  • My ex-husband of 22 years passed unexpectedly I am currently remarried but have this overwhelming sadness like I can’t move on we have a daughter that’s only 24 he’s having a hard time with this as well. My ex-husband and I were like best friends even though we just went different paths in life. I’m really struggling and don’t know how to get through this and feel like I can’t grieve in front of my current husband. I don’t know how to move on from this point forward everything reminds me of him I cry myself to sleep at night.

  • I found this page at looking at grieving losing an ex spouse not because he has passed away but because I have just found out that he has terminal cancer, not expected to live the year. I am a mess. He was emotionally and verbally abusive and I have two adult children that would hate me to be around him ever again but we have two little children together. I have not seen him in nearly two years but I feel the need to consider looking after him. This is so that he can have his life long wish of a family which he has struggled to be good at and because his children will never get a chance to get to know him otherwise. I am in another country and he doesnt’ know it though, but am seriously considering going back. I will have to deal with my older children hating me for the decision although both of them reside where he is or deal with my kids never knowing their dad and them asking me why later down the track. Anyone here that has any advice on this I would much appreciate it…you all know very well the grief that comes with this. I guess I am glad to at least know he is terminal.

  • My X-husbad just died . We divorced when our only son was under 5. Our divorce was bitter with child custody issues as well. HOWEVER: while his family members talked “trash”, my husband & I vowed not to say negative things of each other in front of our boy thru the years – & we didn’t! Thru the years; we always consulted each other when it came to our son’s well-being, school events, etc. (his family members not realizing this) “As the dust settled” those many years ago; our son; now 51 & his wife hosted family celebrations, birthday’s through the years & my “X” & always attending. At first; bit awkward & we’d congenially sit across room, (more for other people as we later spoke of). But as the years rolled along, we became special friends, & sat beside ea. other or across table, & was a pleasant time. We adored our son, Grandchildren & Great-grandchildren; communicating via phone, e-mail on follow-ups. (again, his family did not know this as they hung on to days gone by “dirt”)! Approximately 5-6 weeks ago; my “X”asked if I’d take him to Dr. appointments due to ‘major car issue’. We spent the day together. Talking of old classmates (from reunion he’d attend); our Grandchildren, latest tech issues he liked…and very thankful I had that time with him. One of his parting words were: “wouldn’t some people ‘crap’ if they knew I was being taken around with my X in her car”. I said “well screw them” We both laughed.(sorry for the adjatives) those “same people – his family – are conducting the memorial service. I’m thankful my son/wife has had help during this difficult time.. but dreading the stares & whispers: “what she doing here – they were divorced”… & sure anyone who will listen after-visiting time, those relatives will sling old twisted ‘dirt’ as they heard it. As the saying goes: “there are two sides to a pancake”. My emotions have been very fragile, & fearful attending my “x’ memorial coming up this weekend. I want to support my son/family and pay respects for my “X”. He was my first love – (high school) & know a piece of my heart went with him, as a piece of his heart will go with me….but no one understands this!!!!!!!!! I can barely eat since he passed away apx wk. ago; cry hearing a song we enjoyed, seeing his favorite soda in a store.. Next family event; he won’t be there…will ‘feel’; & see the pain in my sons/family’s eyes. Sometimes the grief feels so intense, I feel I may just die…. Has anyone else ever felt these emotions; and how do I handle the dreaded relatives of the past who held hostility towards me thru the years…not knowing my X and I developed a friendship. hope this writing made sense…so confused and hurt.

  • My ex wife just passed away this past Sunday. We were married for over 20 years and have a 21 year old child, have been divorced for 10 years now. I never knew I would be grieving so much for her but I am, even though we have been apart for so long and have not contacted each other for some time, the love and connection is still their besides all the bad feelings we had toward each other in our marriage. It is my 21 year old that is taking it really hard since he has been living with her. it hurts deeply to know that she no longer is present.

  • My ex fiance passed away this last October 1, 2016 from alcoholism. We tried to co-parent for 2 years to 2 beautiful young children, now 3.8 and just turned 5. However he was very sick from his disease and grew to resent me for protecting our children from his bad choices. Our engagement, future marriage, and children’s nuclear family ended because of the effects of alcoholism. I had so many mixed emotions and have gone through the denial, acceptance, anger, and now grieving him as a partner suddenly. I am having intense sadness for the loss of his life, my children’s father, and the man I chose to make a family with. I also carry guilt for possibly contributing towards his disease, and not saving his life. This adds to the sorrow and pain of Marc’s passing. i still feel the shock like it’s real, like I hear the police officers voice fresh over and over and feel the shock of disbelief. I too was told or asked, why are you grieving Marc like a spouse, and do you actually feel like a widow, and I guess I do. He left me with two small children and no plan or family to support us. All I really want is to turn back time.

  • My ex husband passed away this past October 1st. We had been married sixteen years and had two beautiful children. We were not on good terms when he died, and that was his wish, to never speak to me again. I would try very hard to co parent with him and it never went well. He passed rather suddenly even though he was sick with cancer. I feel really bad because I had not been allowed to talk to him or make some sort of amends and to tell him despite it all that I loved him. How could I not? I have really felt waves of gut wrenching grief that have taken me by surprise. I had known this man for twenty seven years. It’s like I’ve lost a limb or something. I was not prepared to feel this way. I am glad I found this site….thought I was nuts feeling like this…thanks,,,

  • Last night I looked up my ex-husband, I don’t know why. I found out he passed away, I am still in shock. He also moved to a neighboring state. I guess maybe to be with his only kin, a sister. While we were only married a brief six months, his reason for wanting to divorce me still haunts me. I never knew why. I was heartbroken when he divorced me. Our divorce was finally on what would have been our one year wedding Anv. I even pleated with the attorney to make sure that didn’t happen, but it did. My depression hit me hart, I started seeing someone for depression.

    That was many years ago, but reading about his death as hit me a hard blow. How I wish he would have called me (I’ve been re-married & happily so), to tell me he was ill, I would have loved to talked to him to put closure on all of this. Now, I’ll never be able to. I wonder why he ever married me and then left so fast. Feeling very sad indeed.

  • I’m so glad I found this article after googling “ex spouse best friend suicide.”

    Right now I’m lying in the bed that belongs to my boyfriend and me in the house my 12-year-old son share with him. I’ve been crying for two hours while my son frolics away online and my boyfriend is in the other room gaming.

    Why have I been crying for two hours? Well, it’s nothing new. I’ve been his way for six months now.

    I married the love of my life in 2001, a Brit I met at a publishing conference. We began dating long distance, and we were married two years later. We traveled the world and had a wonderful life. We had our son in 2005, and less than a year later we divorced.

    Over the next 11 years my exhisband remained close. We were great friends. Co-parents. Even lived together again when he began having problems.

    We both dated others. And shared our dating stories.

    He was a functioning alcoholic at first and then not. He suffered depression and paranoid schizophrenia. Diagnosed. He remained unmedicated and self medicated with booze.

    Despite these troubles he was still my great friend and never said or did anything unkind to our son or me.

    In December 2015 he left town on a soul searching journey. I somehow knew it was the last time I’d see him.

    Over the six months he toured all over the California coast he would write and call and text.

    On June 17, one day after my 44th birthday and one month before my son and I were to move in with my boyfriend of three years, I got a call from the San Francisco medical examiner. My ex husband, best friend and father of my child had died by suicide. He swam into the ocean and washed up on China Beach.

    My heart is broken into a million irreparable pieces.

    I was faced with a rush of guilt wondering what I could have done. Could I have tried harder?

    My partner and son and I immediately flew to California and met up with the English side of the family whom I remained close with.

    My son has his ashes. My son refuses to talk about it and acts seemingly like everything is ok. He gets angry when it’s mentioned.

    No one understands why I’m grieving so hard. And trust me, I’m grieving. Hard.

    I’ve tried everything. Therapy. Diet changes. Exercise. Anti-depresssants. Yet still I cry daily. Sometimes a lot.

    I have a fantastic job, an incredible son, a loving and supportive partner, a huge network of supportive friends and family. Yet I feel totally lost and broken.

    I simply don’t know what to do.

    I miss him so much and my heart is so heavy.

  • Discovering this site, I finally realize that I am not weird or crazy. I was married to my ex-husband for 36 years. There was a period of about 7 years that there was no communication. But then we had a very good friendship. He was there for me and I for him. After an operation in 2016, he developed sepsis and the next 3 months were hell as I watched the deterioration of this man. I know that I grieved for this loss but tried to bury it and remain strong. Wrong! This Christmas was much worse than the first Christmas as we had shared Christmas with our son and his family. I have just started to figure out why this is happening. I did not take the time needed to properly grieve. I did hear ‘rumblings’ of why would an ex grieve, and that would be from ‘friends’ that truly did not understand. So thank you all for sharing your stories and letting me know that I am not alone.

  • I am still in deep grief and regret over the death of my first love. Even though we weren’t together for about 30 years, he was the love of my life. He ended up marrying someone else and having children with her. I never grieved our break up and had been thinking of him a lot over the last 3 years (prior to his death), tried to reach out to him, but didn’t try hard enough. The last time I saw him was 15 years earlier. I now regret so many decisions I’ve made. The biggest mistake I’ve ever made was not staying with the one I loved most. Now he’s gone forever, and I will never get to see him ever again, nor share with him how much I loved him. It’s a tragic story and I will live out the rest of my life trying to get through it.

  • My ex husband committed suicide 6 days ago. I did not make it to the funeral as had planned a trip to another continent for the same day. For 3 days I was numb and the only thing which forced me to work properly was the deal I made with myself that his soul’s transition to a place of light will be as fast as I am efficient and doing the right thing.

    It had been almost 6 years of roller coaster: happiness, his cruelty, his abuse, his addictions, his mental conditions that he discovered only after I asked him to leave. Silent treatment, not working, refusing hugs that I needed. Typical circle if violence:honey moon, tension, explosión.
    Sometimes I found tenderness elsewhere, I was so cheap, a hug, attention, listening and a joke would buy me.
    Suddenly I became very sick. The moment the doctor suspected cancer, I said, I was out of this relationship. He had threatened suicide 5 to 7 times, I stayed because I didn’t want him to hurt himself. I only could leave when given a choice: either we both die or just he.

    Now, 19 months after our separation, it was ‘just him’. No one has blamed me, except for myself. I saw pictures of his grave and I feel despair. I want him back badly. I see his artwork, his pictures with tender smile and I feel sorry if there is even 1% of my fault in destroying him.

  • I lost my ex husband suddenly on September 17,2016. We worked together and one day I was on social media and a post came up saying, “please pray for my uncle Lionel.” I was taken back because we are raising a daughter together and none of the family members called me to inform me that he had fell ill. I rushed to the hospital as soon as I could me and my now, husband. I was just terrified as if a mack truck had hit me. I was told his both of his Kidneys had failed and he had several strokes. I had just spoken to him several days before. Even though I marriage had ended he helped me on with his job and people thought he was crazy but that is just how close we were. We didn’t have a problem either that. I stayed by his side for the whole 2 months that he was in the hospital. My current husband was kinda confused at first but I had to help him understand that this is still my friend and my compare to. We are raising a daughter together and need to support one another to push through even if I knew that he may not come through. It was my job to be there to coach him through this for him to know he was not alone. He was in a coma for 1 month and finally woke up to see us. One month after he passed away even though he was getting better his Kidneys could not hold up without a transplant. I miss him so much..his spirit, him asking to see his daughter for the weekend, it hurts like no other. Just because you are an ex does not mean you don’t care. You do care because this is someone you once loved on. Nooone can take that away from neither one of you even if they feel some type of way. It is not their place to push you away or make you feel irrelevant, make a stance and visit as much as you can. It is your right unless the ex has specifically asked that you not come to visit. I never left his side was there everyday after work until the day he passed. He passed on in the wee of the night and I’m glad that I did not witness his passing becuz I would be a basket case right now. I loved him then and forever more because he was the best friend a person could have and that is how he treated all his friends that are grieving his death right becuz we just can’t believe he gone

    We miss you and love you very much
    Lionel A. Wilson


  • I divorced my husband after 23 years because I felt I had to, I was pressured by family that it was the right thing to do. I never wanted it and regret ever doing it. He passed away within the first year after our divorce. I feel like a widow a whole lot more than an ex-wife. I will love him until the day I die and feel guilty for it. I love him and I’m tired of being ashamed of it. He was the one made for only me and I miss him dearly.

  • My boyfriend now , his wife died a year ago today We met years ago we were great friends his wife and I and we worked together . He is taking it really hard today and the last few months. The thing with all of this is she died in the house that we live in now and he found her she died from a heart attack . Things are good with us but he is having a hard time with her being gone. He has the bad dream of that morning he found her . I really don’t know how to feel about some of it . Like when I found out he was seeing her and not me when we make love. I know its hard because he was with her for like 28 years but its also hard for me. Like I said she was a great friend of mine and he was to . But we got close and got together , I love him and I’m hoping he loves me to. But I just don’t understand I guess what or how I should feel about it . Or how he feels or if he is just not wanting me or what. We both have kids he was three aged 21,20,18 years old plus three grandbabies , I have three kids 12,11,6 years old . It just makes me sad thinking he is hurting and I’m not helping enough or to much. but also me why do I feel so sad about it.

  • My ex-wife and I divorced about 5 years ago, having been married about 28 years and having 2, now adult, boys. I was not the most loving husband and my wife developed a severe drinking problem. The drinking reached a head and I decided to leave the marriage, at the time feeling I was abandoning a wife ill-prepared to deal with life and its challenges on her own. Over the 5 year post divorce period my ex-wife’s life deteriorated in a long downward spiral, including 2 DUI’s, and worsening health. All the while I carried a guilt of not having done enough to help her, and enduring the pain of seeing her downward headed life. She died a few days ago and I am utterly devastated. I have new relationship with a woman now about 5 years, and I am reluctant to let her know my true feelings of sorrow for my ex-wife, fearing her reaction might be understanding my sorrow as betrayal towards her. I have now let my new partner know my feelings of sorrow and she understands, thank God. I feel my sorrow will take time to heal, but I just can’t turn it off. I feel I am not worthy of living my life as I have been knowing that she was suffering an illness that I could not or would not help her with, my feelings are in essence, feelings of guilt, with feelings of loss tossed on top. My only consolation is to convince myself that she is better off now, but that’s a hard sell. May she rest in peace, and may she know that I loved her and continued loving her after divorce, and that now I suffer her loss.

  • I am going crazy my EX Husband died August 3rd 2016, we were married 11 years have 2 children and 1 grand-daughter our first. He died at 49. We married when we were 23, and divorced 4 years after he fathered a child with his mistress but we remained Bestfriend until his death. I can’t move past it, I had to share his funeral with his third wife whom he had no children with who did not let me see him when he was dying even when he asked for me. At the funeral I did not scream out, I held my composure but my heart was broken, they had buried me too. I cry everyday my kids are fine, I’m the only women that has kids for him, that’s alive, the mistress died years ago. Our Grandbaby was born he knew she was here but he never got a chance to hold her. I feel responsible, I been doing his paperwork and taking care of him for 30 years, maybe I should not have divorced him . I don’t know what to do with my self anymore just broken hearted?

  • My husband J passed away horribly in August 2016. We had three children together. He was abusive to all of us, so I finally got a protection order out on him. He decided not to have anything to do with his children after being told he could only see them in a supervised manner with very strict rules by a special organisation that deals specifically in this area. He got even nastier than usual, and his lies chased us out of town. So we went into hiding for 6 years. I never applied for a divorce because I couldn’t allow him to know where we were. So we were still officially ‘married’ when he died. The police found me in September this year to tell me that J was dead and I have surprisingly mourned him. I am very confused by this. At first, my strongest, most honest reaction was absolute utter relief. But now a deep sadness about his death comes in waves. My children are struggling too even though they don’t really remember him much as they were all very little. Like I said. Confused about this and so are my children. Not many people understand the grief, just as I don’t. Given how he treated us. I’m expected to just shrug my shoulders and move on. I’m finding that a little difficult and not finding the same kind of support a real widow would normally recieve. It’s like it never happened.

  • I’m at a loss reading all these messages, I hoped by reading this I would understand why people grieve ex spouses. All I can think is, all of these people are still attached to their exes, especially if they had children together. I think the attachment is unhealthy and shows they never really moved on.

    My husband died and we were together 24:7 for 12 years; my husband was my best friend but I don’t have continuing grief about it. We spent that time traveling a lot and doing fun things together. More than most people ever do.
    He had problems that I had to live with in later years, so I had become a caretaker of his deteriorating mental health.

    I moved on to a fantastic relationship with someone who is healthy and sane. The reason I am on this thread is, his ex wife who he divorced in 1992 after 17 years, is now dying from cancer and he is very upset about it. He says, “she was his best friend besides me.” This person has major depression and wished she were dead everyday for the last 25 years, so she got her wish. They had one daughter who calls my fiancé constantly about her mother’s emotional state, as if it’s his problem. She asks him to call her mom to check on her, keeping him engaged emotionally. He has been put in the position of acting like her husband, being there for decisions, meeting with surgeons because she has never had another real relationship since they divorced.

    I think there is something wrong with being so overly attached to an ex after it’s over, it’s over, move on. This crying is about being attached to the lost love that failed, the lost past. I have fond memories of the happy times with my deceased husband but I don’t hang on to this emotionally. Instead I feel happy I have a great man who loves me. Honestly it hurts me that he has this unreasonable attachment to his ex. What does this mean? Does he still carry a torch for her? Is she still his wife to him? There is no one I feel that way about, except the one I’m with now who I feel is my real soulmate and I’ve known him for fifteen years. He claims it’s because she is his friend but to me it’s more than friendship or his sister as he calls her.

    Isn’t being in deep grief over a lost love-ex spouse a sign that you are still attached to the promise of marriage to that person and the love is still there? If that’s the case then it’s really emotional cheating and why are these grieving exspouses with someone new? What are we to you? Just someone to pass the time with because you can’t be with your true love you couldn’t live with?

    I am questioning how much my fiancé really loves me despite everything good about us and what he says about how much he loves me. Now that I’m watching this drama unfold with his ex wife dying, I feel hurt and sad. We also don’t have children, I wanted them with him but he can’t have children and he is older. I feel like I live in the shadow of his past life, he had his real family with her and it’s not ever going to be me.

    Maybe divorced spouses still stuck loving their exes should go be with them and if they are dead, then go live by yourself and be attached to your lost past rather than live a lie and a half love that satisfies your need for a relationship. If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. In this case Id say there isn’t enough loving the one you’re with and plenty of loving the one you love who is your ex.

  • My ex and I had a relationship that was a lot like playing with fireworks, 75% of the time it was exciting and magical the rest of the time someone was burning the house down or blowing off an appendage. Needless to say after getting burned more than a few times we divorced after 5 years of marriage. We had a long history, met in the military, some was good and some was bad but he was my first love, nonethless. A lot of the turmoil was due to mental illness which I refer to as his demons. He often turned to alcohol to quiet them but this often complicated things. Even after our divorce I worried about his wellbeing and wanted the best for him, I hated watching him be in such pain.

    Fast forward 4 years, I am remarried to a wonderful man who is so kind. We don’t have the extreme ups and downs that I experienced in my previous marriage and am extremely happy. But a couple weeks ago my ex’s family tracked me down to notify me that he had taken his own life. I was shocked….I never thought he would go through with it even though years a go he had talked about it and even atempted it. My heart is so heavy with grief since I found out, could I have done something different, been there for him as a friend? Were there signs? I have so many questions…like…why? I just wish I knew what he was thinking, what was going through his mind. I try not to make my husband uncomfortable about the situation and he has been extremely supportive by letting me talk about my feelings, regret and grief. I know it’s not easy for him to watch me mourn my ex or rekindle thE close relationship i had wit his family I guess I’m not sure how to move on just yet but I don’t want to torment my husband either….any suggestions?

  • I lost the love of my life this year. We were in limbo at the time but I thought we would get back together. It was my fault, later this year I would be diagnosed with bpd which explained alot. We have a son together who was a few weeks shy of his first birthday at the time his father was killed. The guilt, pain and regret I feel is full on and most days I can’t hardly move. I keep getting told to let him go. We had no future together and that any unfinished business we had, is finished. Because he finished it by leaving this life. I’m confused. And feel as though I don’t have the right to grieve. I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. His family have been nothing but kind and loving to me and I appreciate it so much. But ,a lot of my own family have been incredibly unsupportive. It just sucks. I’m so lost.

  • Hello,
    I am losing my mind. I have been diagnosed with ALS and I know I am going to die because of it. My problem is that I have an ex fiancé that I still love. Our break up was not a good one. We were expecting a baby and she had a miscarriage. Days after that she broke it off with me. I did not know why she would do that and for years we did not speak. One day I messaged her on facebook and she did not reply for months. One day I get her reply and we talked. We talked about the break up and the lost of our child and the reason she gave me for the break up was that she could not look at me because she felt so bad about losing the baby. Now we talk often but she has a family with kids and a boyfriend. I know she is not happy but she stays because of the kids. She know that I am dying and it seems like she cares but at times it feels like she doesn’t. I want to see her one last time before I am not able to. How do I go about telling her that I still love her? I am running out of time

  • Tom
    It is always so fascinating when someone from our past resurfaces – I encourage you to make peace and know that at one time you cared deeply for one another – that is the gift. No regrets – life turned out exactly as it was supposed to Find joy in the experience of people who come into our life – we get to learnn more about ourselves. Wishing you peace – JoAnne

  • I met my ex partner when we were both 15 and she was my first love. We stayed together for 2 years before we split. There were numerous reasons for this, she became pregnant and we made the decision to have a termination (something I always regretted but we were just too young) and I eventually caught her with some other guy but I later learnt nothing ever happened between them. When we split it wasn’t the best although we did say hi when we saw each other a couple of times in the 2 to 3 years after but we never managed to talk fully about the split. Moving on 15 years later my ex got in touch with me on Facebook in August this year asking how I am and we started chatting to each other most days on Facebook and a few times on the phone. It appears she was not as fortunate as me and had come out of a string of bad relationships where her partners had been physically abusive to her and she was living as a single parent to a 6 year old. We started to grow close as friends and we arranged to meet as friends in December this year to catch up on old times and have a drink together. Things got worse for her and she lost custody of her child and confided in me a few times by message she was feeling suicidal and was really down…… I never realised how bad she was and 2 weeks ago she was found dead in bed after a suspected overdose. She did also suffer from really bad seizures so we are currently waiting for test results to confirm which it was….. I suspect she couldn’t carry on. I now feel robbed after not seeing her or having contact with her for 15 years and suddenly after becoming friends again losing her once again. I’m just happy I managed to make peace with her, that we were friends and that I managed to tell her on a few occasions how much she had meant to me back then and also that I still had some feelings for her now. The one thing she told me which both hurt but made me feel good at the same time was that she respected me and that I was the only man she had been out with who had never physically hurt her. I now have a lot of mixed emotions I have to hide from my wife, the joy of getting back in contact with my ex and the sudden grief and loss of losing her again. I will always love her and have many fond memories of her, I spoke with her mum after 15 years a few days ago in a conversation that ended in tears for both of us. I have a lot of regrets of what may have been. I can’t go to the funeral for various reasons but will visit her grave on the day we were due to meet in December to lay some flowers and pay my respects. I still don’t know how I will carry on each day but I know I have to find a way to live with the loss for my families sake.

  • I just lost my ex husband this week and BOY is it complicated! He, while I loved him and he had many wonderful attributes, was self-medicating with alcohol to mask some significant issues- some I only found out in later years of our marriage. He was also at times emotionally abusive, and manipulative. He suffered a tremendous family loss and went from a functioning alcoholic to a non-functioning, extremely emotionally abusive alcoholic in a short time. He finally admitted he had a problem, and agreed to get help. 3 years and a Baker Act later, I finally found the confidence to leave (we’re talking over twenty years of marriage and 2 older kids at this point). I had to break all contact, barring emergencies, because he would beg me or try to guilt me into taking him back.

    2 years after the divorce, he had seemed to be moving on, sober, girlfriend… and he dies from previous alcohol related damage- and a small 3 day relapse.

    I don’t know how to feel from one minute to the next. We were college sweethearts, and all of our friends are telling wonderful stories that make me sad- devastated even, but then I get angry for being sad. Then there’s the guilt, which I try not to take on, but can’t help- and I’m fairly certain part of his family blames me.

    And I have frequent bouts with PTSD because I keep reliving some of the emotional abuse. Plus, I don’t want to grieve too much in front of my boyfriend, who has been a dream through this, but knows the trauma I went through.

    Pretty sure I could use some counseling, but can’t afford.

  • My ex-husband, to whom I was married 21 years and divorced from for 3 years, committed suicide two months ago. I am sad, heart broken and grieving at an unexpected level. We have a 20 year old daughter and despite our divorce remained best friends. My ex was bipolar. He refused to accept the diagnosis for years, because he was high functioning and self medicated primarily through exercise. However 5 years ago his mood swings became dangerous and I finally had to move my daughter out of the house as I felt it was only a matter of time before he killed me and then committed suicide. After she and I left, he was shocked into accepting there really was a problem and he sought help from a psychiatrist.

    The past 3 years were a vast improvement. He rebuilt his relationship with his daughter and he and I circled around and had become the “best friends” we were when we first met. No romance, but a deep love and caring. Despite his bipolar problems he was one of the finest, most caring men I have ever had the privilege of knowing.

    In spite of his seeming improvement, we felt he was randomly going on and off his medications. I live quite far away from him, so never saw him on a daily basis but we spoke several times a week, just to chat. During these calls I sensed something was happening, but completely misjudged how it would end. He started obsessing about our failed marriage, how I was the love of his life and how sorry he was that his mental problems caused our divorce. I told him that although our marriage was over, our friendship and family ties were not, that in fact they were stronger than ever. However, my experience with this type of obsessing was that he was off his medication and was a small step away from rage in which I would go from being the love of his life to the cause of all his problems. This is a common bipolar problem. I live over 700 miles away from him, in part from fear of these potential psychotic breaks. I misread the situation. He committed suicide instead. My daughter is devastated, but her first comment on seeing me after the news of his death was “Mom, I am so happy you divorced dad and left town, otherwise I would be an orphan.” I knew that the only other person who saw everything that happened read the situation as I did.

    Despite this, his death has hit me like nothing else I have ever experienced. It is not guilt, but regret and sadness. He was so desperately unhappy that killing himself seemed like his best solution. Though I tried, nothing I did helped. He fell down a deep hole, down so far I could not reach him.

    I cannot even express how much I miss the happy man, the supportive man and the man I loved with all my heart. It saddens me that finally the dark shadows killed that man and all I could do was watch in bewilderment, dismay and now with great sorrow wish desperately he were still here.

  • My ex husband passed away this past Saturday from cancer. I have been surprised at the grief I have felt about it. We have two beautiful children and I hope and pray they will walk thru their grief and come out stronger on the other side. Grief can be a long process. We did not have an amicable relationship since the divorce in 2008. He died scared and alone. That makes me very sad…..thanks

  • Last year, my wife of 15 years and I separated, mostly because of the consequences of her bipolar disorder. The divorce was finalised 2 weeks ago. The divorce was painful for both of us but rather amicable, since we still care and love each other, but living together had become impossible. Since the separation I’ve met someone new, who is very supportive of me and the grieve I feel after the separation. My ex-moved back in with her parents and isolates herself socially. That actually hurts, because I still care a lot for her.

    Today, 2 weeks after the official divorce, my ex was diagnosed with Kahlers Disease: bone marrow cancer. There is no cure. If she’s lucky, she has three more years to live. She turns 43 next month. We have a 10-year-old son together.

    They say after the rain comes sunshine. Not today, after the rain comes more rain. And then even more rain.
    I feel a lot of guilt, even if I do realise that I did everything to help her with her BP disorder. Even though I gave 102% to save our relation, I wish I’d given it 110%.

    My new partner made me promise I’d be there for my ex anytime she needs me. I’m grateful she’s so supportive, but I feel guilty to both of them. To my ex that I’m not 110% there during her final years, to my new partner because I bring a lot of grieve in our new relationship. Guilty to my son as well. Hé lives his mom and dad, and likes my new partner, but his mom won’t be around see him grow up and we’ve robbed him from safe shell that is his family: mom, dad, kid during his mom’s final years.

    Tears are flowing while I write this, and I realise this will put scars on my soul for the rest of my life.
    I’ll just try to be the best man I can to my ex, to my new partner and to my son. I owe it to all three of them.

    To my ex: Annick, you’ll always be my wife, divorced or not, thank you for everything. Heidi: thank you for being you, I’m eternally in debt to you. Robbe, my son, I’m so sorry you have to go through this.

  • I am so glad I found this site…I lost my ex husband Sept 27, 2016…my heart is not only hurting because of his death…it is hurting because all the fathers of my children are dead…I got married very young and we had 2 beautiful children together…he died in 2004…this was my first husband…I met a great man and we had a daughter….we did not get married…he died in 2013…recent death of my ex-husband we have 2 children together and he just died…my heart is so broken because I have lost all my children father’s

  • My husband divorced me 31 years ago after meeting another woman. We had been married 10 years, and dated from the time we were 16. We had three kids, the youngest one 4 months. He and the other woman married and had a daughter. She divorced him after 7 years and he remained single. My son called me yesterday to tell me his dad was in the ER and they were going to take him off life support. I couldn’t believe how hard it hit me. I have cried non stop for 30 hours. My now husband has been SOOO understanding, Holding me while I cried about another man. It’s hard to not be able to grieve with my children and his family…I have been excluded from all family related events since we split. There is no one who knew us as a couple I can share this grief with. I don’t know if I hoped we could someday reconcile, or if I just wanted to be a part of everything. Christmas he had the kids, I always missed it. Vacations at the lake with his whole family and my kids…our daughter had a baby and we had to visit at different times. Just don’t know what to do with all these emotions.

  • Alane

    Sounds like you were really a good friend to stand by and support. – JoAnne

  • Oliver
    As you can see from this blog post many people grieve the loss of an ex-spouse so you are not alone. I am sorry for your loss – you may want to see out grief support if you want support in dealing with your feelings. – JoAnne

  • I am glad I stumbled upon this page. I just received news last night that my ex wife passed away last Thursday of cancer. Even though we hadn’t spoken to each other in 10 years (no children and she lives in another city) I find myself grieving deeply. We were together for 9 years and I feel she was my only true love I ever had in my life. I never remarried and I live alone.

  • It is nice to know that their are others out there that feel the same way after loosing an ex spouse. I lost my ex husband 3 1/2 weeks ago on August 25th, 2016. We had a daughter together and a continued bond with each other. We talked daily and still both loved each other, we had our ups and downs and honestly both had mentioned about the what ifs we were to ever get back together, I knew he wanted this, and to be honest deep down inside I wanted it too, but was scared to go back and what split us apart happen again. We both too looked at it that if it is meant to happen then in due time it will happen. This loss has hit me tremendously; I am the person he called and spoke to before he committed suicide. I knew of his problems with depression from PTSD (3 tours in Iraq) and other issues that he suffered from daily (new and old). I was always there to listen to him during our marriage and after. My current boyfriend and same boyfriend since I had been divorced had grown to accept the relationship between my ex and I. As, did my ex husband’s girlfriend at the time, we both made it apparent to whomever we dated the standing of our relationship together even after our divorce. He at first my current boyfriend took it hard because he knew of the strong bond we still had for each other and knew that my ex was the man I was truly in love with. I must say that I do care for my current boyfriend and love him, but the love is not the same as it was for my ex husband. I could no love any man here on earth the same way as I loved my ex because no man is the same everyone is different. I honestly believe if I knew me going back to my ex would have saved him from taking his own life I would have gone back. I believe and know everything happens for a reason. I pray that he accepted Christ in his heart and one day we will be reunited. I know I will keep his memory alive through our daughter, I tell our daughter that daddy is in heaven and one day we will see him again. The days have slightly gotten better but nothing feels the same anymore. I feel like I am in a dream, I have cried everyday since it has happened and if I could I would do anything to bring our lil girl her daddy back. He was a loving and caring man, but failed to see his own self worth in life. He had his own struggles and no he was not a perfect man and neither was or am I a perfect woman. I try to do my best and feel since this is happened I need to know what my purpose is, I feel distant from my boyfriend and have gotten closer with Christ, I feel terrible for living with him more now not being married (which slightly bothered me prior to losing my ex). My mind has like switched their thoughts tremendously as if I was still married to my ex husband. I know there is little myself or anyone could have done to change his mind. I have wondered about the what ifs and it tears me up inside to do it and I know I need to not do it because the past is over and I can not go back and change it. It is all in God’s hands and I know only God knows what was in his heart and I need to know he will do what is best. I just almost feel like I do not know what to do with my life now since he is gone. It was such a comfort to know he was around and we were a great support system and team for our little girl. I never imagined we would loss him like this. I know time heals all wounds yet, I never want to loss his memories. I hate that he will be missing all this time with our little girl. The struggle is so hard I find it hard to be happy anymore, like how can someone be happy after something like this, it is so hard to move forward. I know time goes on and must go on, I just at times wish time would end and all our families can be in heaven together happy and no more sadness and pain ever. I know God would not give us anything we could not handle, but sometimes things are easier said than done. Reading these post, I feel for everyone the pain and loss is hard, I feel reaching out to others that have gone through similar situations helps. I have talked with family, friends, his family and friends we had together, brothers from the Army that knew him well and can relate this helps me, I have not gone to counseling because counseling in my own past experiences in multiple situations, with parents divorce, my own traumatic experience in college, and then with trying to work on marriage with my ex husband never seemed to help and I feel it was because these counselors did not experience what I had gone through, so they did not know what I was feeling and having to recreate the entire situation for them to just get an idea or thought is not how I like to go about trying to cope with things. People who knew us or had gone through similar situations is comforting because they have an idea of what we are feeling and going through. I just pray and wish the best for each and everyone here.

  • Jessie

    I am so sorry and yes as you can see, you are not alone. – JoAnne

  • My ex husband recently passed and it feels like I have to get over him all over again. Murder suicide. I’m having a hard time, but it is nice to know it is normal and I’m okay to care. Thank you for this article.

  • I’m so glad that I found this site and read through these posts. It helps to know that the grief that I am feeling is not unusual. I was married to Marvin for 17 years, we knew each other for 19 years and January was the 1 year anniversary of our divorce. I’ve been an emotional mess, grieving/mourning the death of my dream to be married with children for the last 2 years. I thought I was finally making headway with the counseling and new job outlook then Marvin passed away on August 12th from a heart attack. I have felt so overwhelmed that I haven’t been able to function normally. I haven’t really worked since it happened. I haven’t been sleeping or eating well. I cry every day. I feel angry. Most of all I miss talking to him. Even though we were divorced we still talked. About our kids,bills,activities,our jobs and anything else. I wanted him to find the happiness that he couldn’t find with me. He was a good man, a good father and good friend when you needed him to be. Now he’s gone and I don’t know how to face a future without him. Trying to be put this outward face of strength for my children but inside I’m all torn up, battered & bruised; hurting. I know I have to take this one day at a time and eventually it won’t hurt so much but it’s comforting to know that others have experienced the same & I’m not alone.

  • My ex boyfriend died 2 weeks ago due to accident. I don’t know but I always blame myself even though we ended our relationship 3 years ago. I just learned that whenever he gets drunk, he will always share to his friend how he missed me, and how much he wanted to be with me again although we talked about my stand on our relationship. I just want us to be civil, nothing more nothing less. He feels guilty because of what he did to me during our 4 year relationship.

  • Hi I just heard yesterday that my exhusband who I havent seen for over 18 years has passed away from cancer. I dont understand why i am so sad, I did not expect this kind of emotion. Through the years the anger and bitterness towards him from abandoning me and my kids never went away but now, as sudden as the news of his death was, it’s gone. I am grieving deeping and I am overcome with a deep sadness and even love towards him. I heard he had a hard life, a sad life, with constant drinking. I wish things were different, but now any chance of ever reconciliation is gone. Why do I have this deep compassion and love for someone who abandoned me and my kids? I am overcome with sadness as if he is still my husband, all memories flooding back. i feel sad for him and for me and my kids. Now i wish I could have reached out, i dont know….

  • JoAnne, Thank you for your article. I have an interesting dilemma and I could use some sound advice. I had a girlfriend 25 years ago, let’s call her C. I dated C for 5 years and was engaged to be married to her and then things fell apart. I met someone else, as did she, and we went our separate ways. Well, 20 years later I found myself divorced after a 17 year marriage, and having kept in touch with C via email for years, she admitted that she, too, was divorced and we should get together for a drink. Things went surprisingly well. We live in different States over 1,000 miles between us. So, we only got together about once a month for some adventurous little travel excursions. It was nice. Of course, being long distance we couldn’t keep it up so things fizzled out but we continued to keep in touch hoping to maybe find time to get together again someday.

    Then, things changed for the worst. Two weeks ago her ex husband killed himself. She came to me (not physically, just via email and text) with the news looking, I think, for someone to talk to. I tried to be there for her but as the funeral took place and life moved forward she got very abrasive with me. I understand she is hurting but some of the things she said to me were extremely hurtful and I didn’t do anything to spur it on. The last time I interacted with her a few nights ago went disastrously. She tried to call me but I was with my daughter so I couldn’t answer immediately. She texted me a few minutes later upset with me because I told her she could call anytime she needed to and then I didn’t answer! She expressed she was very sad so I texted asking her to give me a few minutes and I would call her back. So, I called back in less than 10 minutes and she didn’t answer. Eventually, she texted me back telling me it was too late, I missed her call. That she is ‘done’ with me. That I should just go the f-ck away. And, that she doesn’t know why she ever wasted so much time and affection on me. I was like, “Ouch!”. I just texted her telling her I understood and I walked away from it all. Was that the right thing to do? Should I have reached out to her despite her using me as her emotional punching bag? Or, does it make sense to just leave her alone, like she asked, knowing that I’m sure she didn’t mean it all. I’m pretty sure there was some wine involved, too. 🙂

    The whole thing was very hurtful to me. But, I’m not upset with her. I know she is grieving and likely in a LOT of pain, particularly considering the way her ex died. I just want to be of help to her in which ever way I can, but not sure what to do when the person bites your head off! I’d like to hear your take on things.

  • Nicole

    I encourage you to stop basing your decision to leave flowers on what others will think. We all have to mourn in our own way including you. If it feel too uncomfortable than make another gesture somewhere else such as planting a tree in his memory. – JoAnne

  • Crystal, as you can see from the comments on this post there are many who share your same experience. No one else has to understand why you would be grieving, it is afterall your journey and your memories. – JoAnne

  • I’m so glad I found this. I’ve been so confused about my feelings regarding this subject. My old boyfriend from years ago recently passed away at the age of 31. I have not seen him in maybe 10yrs. We were best friends for years and ended up in a relationship..a very complicated relationship. It didn’t end good but not really bad either. It just kinda ended and we went our separate ways. He was my first love and I’ve never really gotten over him. He was in and out of trouble but I learned he was doing better the past year and was engaged to be married to a good person. I’m having trouble with his death. I always hoped to run into him so I could have some sort of closure. I never knew if he thought of me in a good or bad manner after we split. I sent a condolence to his fiancé and she said he talked about me a lot. Now whether that’s good things or bad I’ll never know I suppose. I wasn’t able to make his funeral. I felt very awkward because when we were together back in the day we got in trouble together a lot. So I always kinda figured his family wasn’t too fond of me. But then again it’s all speculation on my part cuz I just really don’t know… And then the awkwardness of seeing his fiancé who I actually know from years ago as well. I decided today to visit his gravesite. I needed to say some sort of goodbye. My dilemma is that I left some flowers in a cup n wrote a goodbye message on it. A lyric from a song he liked. But now I’m feeling maybe I shouldn’t have?? I wasn’t going to leave it at first but then once I got there and noticed he had no flowers or anything left. Just some fresh dirt and a placard with his name I felt I should go ahead and leave it. I don’t want anyone to be offended because an old gf from 10 yrs ago left something at his gravesite. Now I can’t decide should I just leave it? If his family or gf doesn’t like they can remove….or should I go out and remove before anyone notices??? One part of me feels like hey who cares what other ppl think ..this was my way of saying goodbye. But then again I don’t wanna upset anyone ??? I’m just not sure the answer here. I’m so sad. He was a good guy with a hard life. He was the type of guy that you could tell was a bit damaged and you just wanted to fix him..help him. I Said what I needed to say but wish I could of said it earlier. I hate I can’t leave a flower at his site and not feel like ppl are going to think its weird.

  • A few days ago i received the news that my husband (I had just filed a week prior) had passed. We were separated for a year. The news hit me’ hard, I’ve been an uncontrollable emotional mess since the night i got the call. Family and loved ones don’t understand why it’s affected me this way, since he cheated and put me through a lot, but he was human being that i also had happy memories with. I’ve never felt a pain so deep like this. He was too young and had a life ahead of him. Even though he wasn’t the one for me, i had hope he’d find someone that would make him happy.

  • My ex husband of 13 years is very ill and could die. I have no feelings for him because he was abusive during our 19 year marriage. However, I feel bad for our two children who love their father. How am I suppose to comfort them when I have no feelings for this man whatsoever?

  • Alicia, grief tends to throw us in a tail spin of emotions. I encourage you to let the guilt go. You can’t change the past, you can only change today. Remember him as someone you loved and had an impact on your life – good or bad and find the blessing in knowing him. Sending love & light, JoAnne

  • Helen – as you can see from the many comments that there are many people who suffer grief at the death of an ex-spouse. You have every right to grieve someone you loved even though you are not together. Sending love and light – JoAnne

  • I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who is going through this pain. My ex, who is the father of my children, 1st and only love passed away 2 days ago. The entire family was notified yesterday morning when officers showed up to his mothers house saying that his body was found on the side of a road. A driver had hit him and drove off, leaving him to die. I honestly never stopped having love for him even after separating 4 yrs ago due to alcohol abuse, but I remained having a friendship with him for our 2 girls. I never got involved with anyone else because I focused on raising my 2 kids and growing in my career. This has hit me really hard. My dad passed away 4 years ago and I thought I would never feel that pain again. It’s all back now. I’m devastated and feel like I have no one. Both men that I loved left my girls and I. I truly hope I can stay strong for the girls. I have to keep moving and know that time will heal. For now I share so many memories with him that I will never forget. May he rest in peace and know that I love him and will always miss him.

  • I was trying to divorce my husband due to continued inappropriate behavior with other woman. Which was so hard to do because I loved him so much we were great together, he was 29 and I am 28. 5 months into trying to get the divorce done with his protest, he died in an accident. This was January of this year. He told We were over and over that he would die without me and then he did. The amount of guilt I feel is so immense. All the bad feelings and madness I had towards him dissolved and now there is a whole in my heart, and my life. I don’t know how to process it, if I’m sad I think I’m being too sad, if I’m having a good day I break down feeling like I dont deserve a happy normal life. The emotional turmoil is devastating and instead of getting better as time goes on, I feel worse. We we married for four years and together 8. I wish I could become numb to the pain.

  • My ex husband died about 3 weeks ago. While we’re not certain yet, we believe it was drug related. I met him when I was 19. He was my first everything. I can’t say that our relationship was ever healthy, he was abusive. But I loved him so much. We had two girls, one is 14. The other passed away when we were married. He never found a way to live w her loss. He turned to drugs and after 8 years of marriage, I left. He stayed in my daughters life, they loved each other so much. But it was tough, he wasn’t always sober. He tried many times to get clean and stay clean. I was shocked when I was told that he died. It’s been weeks and I still can’t believe it. Because we coparent ex, we talked all the time. I can’t believe he’s no longer on this planet. I helped his mom clean out his place. It felt like I was intruding on his privacy. His bathroom still had the shaver plugged in and the toothbrush out- all signs he was coming home. We have some of his belongings and his pet. All I can think is that these things are in my home not because he gave them to me, but because he’ll never come home. My daughter is keeping everything in. I rarely see her cry. My heart breaks for all the time they’ve lost. And I miss him so much. I don’t know how to get over this surreal feeling that makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I lost a part of myself. I’m really struggling.

  • My ex boyfriend died July 9th. We were together for 3 years. I was 16 at the time. We had a bad falling out in the end. Mostly my fault. There were a lot of factors involved. Its been almost 9 years since we last talked. But everytime my name came up he would be so bitter towards me. Friends would always me tell me the stuff he would say. As the years went by his responses turned from bitterness towards simple inquiries and discomfort if someone was talking about me, since I am married now with children. I would always ask my friends about him too since I moved away. I recently felt the need to make contact but i was always too afraid. My husband doesnt understand. All my friends were his friends and all I see are the posts of everyone grieving and sharing pictures. But of course bc i ended the relationship im not allowed to feel the way i do. I apologized to his sister and his family for everything and asked if i could attend his services. Although she thanked me for it, she ghosted me with a response. I am beyond hurt. I know it was all my fault but it doesnt make the hurt any less.

  • My ex husband passed suddenly on June 4, 2016. He had some health issues, but nothing that would lead any of us to think he would die. I was the one who found him and tried to revive him. He’d be gone maybe three to five hours. I’m really glad that neither of my teen daughters had found him! We were divorced six years and had made peace with each other within the last year and had started a nice friendship. We were together for 18 years, married for 17 before our split. I didn’t realize just how painful it would be! I’ve been focused on the kids and all of the practical things that need to be done. I lost both of my parents before the age of 18, so I guess my girls have the perfect mom to help them through this! I haven’t been sleeping well. I’m going for a “check up” with my therapist.

  • I lost my ex-husband on Wednesday 7 July 2016. This has affected me profoundly. I cannot describe the pain.

  • My ex passed away in a tragic car accident on April 18, 2016. We were not divorced but separated for over 4 years. I still loved him deeply and felt the love when I received the call that night. We have two young children who are managing ok. I am completely devistated. We were together for 15 years, married for 12. We separated because he was drinking and it was getting really bad the last year we were together. He was in therapy recently, had stopped drinking and him and I were getting along so well. Then he had a stroke while driving and died instantly hitting a tree. Gone…just like that. It’s all just so overwhelming.

  • The father of my two (son & daughter) now 18 & 16…died 12 yrs. ago. He died of a heart attack. Our divorce went through three months prior. He was using coke again. I told him to get off it..months before. We were still friends in the end, and we still loved each other…we were together 12 yrs. It literally wrecked my life. It didn’t help the kids’ either. I miss him so much every day. My son moved out in Feb. & now my daughter just moved away to bc & I feel like she blames me for her dads’ death. She said when she was younger, if I would’ve stayed with her Dad, maybe he wouldn’t be dead. He’s missing out on everything, they’very missed out on a loving father, who had a bad coke addiction. My daughter & son leaving he house has brought back me mourning him. He was such a good man, except his bad issues. I have suffered so much & cried so much over the years, as of course have my kids…the pain is just unbearable. I met him at 17…he was my first true love. I don’t know how to move on with my life, without him in it. He was my rock…my anchor. ?

  • My ex husband was murdered 3 years ago. We divorced 2 years prior thereto. He was murdered by his live-in 20 years younger “finance.” I just attended her trial. It was a heart-wrenching experience. I really didn’t want to but I was asked to by the Prosecutor, and my adult children wanted me there as well. It was a heart-wrenching experience, especially hearing him in the background of his murderer’s 911 call asking for help and stating that “she shot me.” Since returning I cannot get the experience out of my mind. Before then I had learned to cope with the divorce and all that came of it. I have all these feelings, as my ex husband was not a good person in many ways, but we shared a life, had children, and had good times together. He basically abandoned us under false pretenses, but that’s another story. I have been crying and depressed ever since coming home from the trip for the trial. I still refer to him as my husband and am corrected by others, telling me he is my ex. I know I need to move forward, but feel I have taken miles of step backwards. I have no one to talk to about this and am embarrassed talking to my children, as 2 of out 3 of them hardly interact with me at all.

  • Thank you all for sharing. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. Like many of you, I too feel alone with my grief. I also feel that other people don’t think I have “the right” to grieve for my husband because I was the one who left our 30+ year marriage. I’ve been left out of posts, notices and memorials for him. Outwardly our relationship was wonderful and we have two awesome children ages 19 and 21. During the past eight years we had separated yet remained very good friends as we still shared finances, holidays, vehicles, bills, homes, and came together to co-parent our kids equally. Even though we may go a week or so without contact, we maintained a very good friendship. He was a very good man and was respected and loved by so many people. He unexpectedly died March 17, 2016. We still don’t know what caused this healthy 57-year-old man to be rushed to the ER with organ failure. I keep rereading the last texts we sent each other while he was at work . The last was only hours before he fell sick. For five days/nights I sat with my children by his bed in ICU as doctors searched in vain for the cause of the Sepsis. We are still in disbelief and are shocked and devastated that he is gone. I made a Facebook page as a memorial of pictures and stories for family, friends and our children to look back and remember him. I’ve searched through albums, drawers and boxes for photographs and also hunted for digital pictures on old and new technologies like old cell phones, computers, laptops, sim cards, memory cards, the cloud, CD’s, etc.. My children are afraid of forgetting him, so with each picture I find of their father I feel like I discovered priceless buried treasure! There is nothing more precious than these moments caught in time. Since my husband and I met when I was 15 it’s been emotional and wonderful going through all the years of memories. I’ve shed a lot of tears, yet I still feel that I don’t deserve to grieve him because I left the marriage. One minute I am fine, the next minute I’m choking back tears as I call to tell the necessary agencies that my husband has just died. I am always ten seconds to tears… for I am grieving the teenage boy that became my best friend, the boyfriend who was my “first,” the husband I married, the lover who loved me, and the father of my children. I miss him terribly and feel a huge gaping hole in my heart.

  • My ex-husband died on March 30, 2016. He had a stroke a few days earlier and never regained consciousness. My 3 adult children, my grandson, his 3 sisters and I all flew out to Kansas City, MO from Boston to see him when we found out. In fact, it was I who got the call from the hospital. My children, all in their 30’s are having a hard time. They found out some very good things about the way he was living but also some very sad thins. I have tried to be there for them. Just this past week, I think it is really hitting. me. I feel like I’m going a little crazy. I have been divorced for almost 27 years but I still am going crazy. Neither of us ever remarried. In some ways, I feel like his widow. I also know there were many things less than admirable along with the good thins about him. I just wish I had a husband.

  • Thelma, you feel grief because you loved. I wonder if you asked God – ‘Why not me?’ – What can I learn? if you will get different feelings? – JoAnne

  • Greg – thanks for sharing your raw feelings. I dreamt of my husband many times after he died. I learned to just observe and trust my intuition of the messages. You mentioned you were with someone great – perhaps nw is the time to trust your partner with your feelings, let her know she does not need to understand, just listen and support your grief journey. – JoAnne

  • Mollie – I am so sorry for your loss. Both you and your son have been forever changed, I pray you have support – seek out people and groups that don’t judge but support you in your grief journey. – JoAnne

  • Hi. I’m so glad I found this, as well as all the comments. My ex husband died yesterday. He was struck by a car while he was walking and suffered for 3 1/2 weeks in ICU before passing away. I know it’s early to think about what others would think but I have a 9 year old son with my ex and we both are taking it terribly. I wasn’t with this man any longer but he was my son’s father and we were friends. Even when our divorce was finalized we all went to eat together as kind of us showing our son that we still loved him. I have cried all night and all day today. It’s still such a shock. He was only 38 and we will miss him dearly. I don’t know how I’ll get over this, I haven’t dated much since we split, I was focused on raising our son. We miss him so much.

  • As I read the aforementioned comments I truly understand the pain everyone has gone through.
    My “EX-WIFE” passed away two years ago and was deceased 1/2 year before I found out .No one in her family contacted me despite us being to together nearly 20 years. Despite me being a Lawyer, her family never thought I was good enough for her.
    We both moved on in our lives and I’m with a GREAT person ,whom sadly I cannot inform her of my loss and grieving . The suffering is unbelievable and by now you would think I would have said “she ain’t coming back…” so live your life. I’m doing the best I can, but sadly “I have my moments” where I would give my right arm to see her smile and touch her one more time. She came to visit me in a few dreams I asked ” WHY are you here.. ? “.she just stared at me, smiled and left… try dealing with that and keep your sanity.
    I’ve been told ” TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS…” I hope that statement is correct. ‘Cause I’m in PAIN !!!

  • I dated someone for 5 years. I know he loved me deeply once and I loved him too. In fact I’ve never stopped. We talked about marriage and children many times. There were several times when I felt he was going to propose, but I would put him off and say I wouldn’t want to get married just yet. The ring would then end up being given to me as a friendship ring, but I knew. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him or didn’t want to marry him, but we were young, met at 21, living in different countries and both pursuing high powered careers. Him a pilot. Me a lawyer. In those days you think you have all the time in the world. We were soul mates. We just got each other and I loved being in his company. We rarely argued about anything. When we were together anything felt possible and we made each other happy.
    In the end I ended it. Crazy, but the long times apart made me feel lonely in between seeing him. In those days there was no Skype and other than phone, it was hard to communicate with the different time zones. He tried to call several times after I ended it, but I wouldn’t take his call as I knew I would crumble and go back. I felt frustrated by being so far apart and it felt that by keeping myself for someone across the world, life was passing me by. It sounds stupid to me now, but that’s how I felt at the time. I had loads of guys asking me out, but ironically I turned them all down as I wasn’t ready and my ex still had my heart. After several years of ploughing myself in my career and pretending I was too busy to date anyone, I went on the odd date to keep my family and friends off my back!
    I would often think of my ex, but felt I no longer had a right to find him and that I did not want to disturb his life in case he had found happiness elsewhere, but I never forgot about him. About 7 years later I met my husband and we have children. I love my husband, but it has always felt different. He’s a good man and I love our children dearly, but I guess with every relationship there is a different dynamic.
    Recently my ex started coming into my mind a lot. I don’t know why. I was not unhappy. Then strange things started happening like photos I had forgotten about falling down out of boxes. Finding old things he had given me which I had forgotten about. My e-mail predictive text accidentally sending him an e-mail and not realising I had done this, getting a post delivery failure in his name returned. I had forgotten I even had his e-mail address. I said to a friend that it felt like a sign, I had to find out once and for all what had happened to him and hear his voice one last time. I was prepared for him to tell me to get lost and I would have accepted it.
    However, after 14 years with no contact I tracked his brother down. To my shock he told me my ex died 6 months ago of cancer aged only 42. My heart broke there and then. I feel gutted. A part of me has always loved him and always will. The news brought back so many strong emotions I thought I had put to rest many years ago. Feelings I now realise I only suppressed in order not to feel the full force of the pain. After finding out I got married his brother won’t tell me where his grave is to send flowers. I wanted to do this to find closure, but instead I am mourning in private. My husband knows of my ex’s death and has been supportive as he can be, but having friends who knew him has been a great source of support. My heart feels like it has a hole in it. I walk around looking normal, but feeling only a shell. The career that stopped me moving half way round the world to be with him was not worth it. I realise all too late that if you have love you have the most important thing. It is only a week since I found out the news. I pray his soul has found happiness and he has forgiven me. Even if we weren’t destined to be husband and wife, I wish I could have been his friend at the end.

  • My ex husband passed away unexpectedly on April 29, 2016. He was an awesome guy with an huge sense of humor. We was married for 8 years and 10 months. After we divorced, he let me even lived there with him and his daughter for 6 months while I was trying to get my own place. Drug usage, Internet chat Rooms, and PlayStation Games is what cause us to become divorce.. but mainly the drug usage. He was addicted to prescribed pain medication BAD and was beginning to use Meth as well.. I had turned to Internet Chatting to deal with his addiction; which after awhile, I became more & more online; living in a world that was making me happy but in fake form. The happiness that we once had in our marriage was found threw talking to those who barely knew me at all because my “hubby” had no time to talk to me; drugs and games had his attention. Still.. I would beg him over and over, in so many ways and methods to PLEASE stop.. our marriage is being affected… His response was, in an angry rage and yell, ” BUT I LOVE IT” that response was what did it for our marriage to end; yet a great friendship developed. I can related to TIffiany’s post above. My ex hubby and I got along better when we divorced that when we was married. Many people couldn’t understand why we still talked to each other or even hanged around each other if we was divorced. Answer simple. We had a love/hate relationship., Like he would put it.. We was like veg. oil and water.. didnt mix up good but was a good salad dressing… *lol* and remained friends even after I went on with my life and married my current husband of 2 years. My ex husband never dated and never remarried. My ex husband told me, I’ll always be his wife in his heart and he couldnt be with anyone else.

    On April 27th, 2016, he called me and asked me if I would do him a favor.. he wanted to know if I would come over and wash his clothes for him. I told him yes… See.. years battling with drugs, and not taking care of his health,( when I would tell him over and over, please eat better, lose some weight, leave the drugs alone and get serious about not eating snack cakes) he had developed several health issues. He had two heart attacks, high blood pressure, had to have a pacemaker placement, and developed Diabetes Type 2; which the diabetes affected his legs and feet bad and he could barely walk because they hurt… THEN…He told me on April 28th,2016 that a week prior, he had stumbled over his coffee table in the middle of the night and it had made the diabetic sores he had worse. That they was all affected bad and he just got home from the hospital. He went to the hospital to help him with the pain but they did nothing but wrapped it up, sent him home and told him to get in touch with his wound specialist. My ex husband again asked me was I going to come wash his clothes.. I told him yes, I will be over Sat like I sad and pick the clothes upp.. He told me cool and then He told me he was having difficulties breathing and did feel good. I was concerned but I didnt have a car available to get over to him.. When I looked at the pics that was sent to me in how his legs were on April 27th, I had immediately recognized it as gangrene. I told him about it and he told me he made an appointment on Friday with his wound specialist.
    Well needless to say, Friday April 29th, 2016 I went over early to surprise him.. I called 3 times before I went to his house and got no answer.. that was not normal.. I got to his apartment, I could hear no fan running or a TV on… Not normal once again. So I knocked 3 times on his door.. No answer.. again.. Not normal because he was having trouble walking to any place. So I slowly went to see if his door was unlocked.. it was. I went inside and seen him in his recliner. It looked like he was sleeping. As I was walking toward him, I had said , “Hey Johnny I tried calling you. Why didnt you answer me? Johnny.. hey..” I finally was in front of him.. there he was super cold.. I went to shake him.. He was very stiff.. I thought to myself and yelled out loud… ” OH DEAR GOD!! NO JOHNNY NO!!! but he was gone… His 21 year old daughter had no service for him.. She had him cremated since he had no funeral fund and refuses to give anyone any of his ashes even though she still calls me Mom. . This is NOT how he wanted it for when he died at all. I know this without any doubt and hesitation… I’m hurt.. mad… sad… feel like I too lost my Soulmate.. The one person that I could actually be my true self and be funny with is gone.. even now i’m crying… I know I’m married and I love my husband dearly and deeply. I keep telling myself.. Stop.. But it doesnt work.. I dont cry in front of my husband because I dont want him to think I dont love him because I do. So yeah.. I dont know how I’m gonna to handle all this.. I really don’t. I know God is with me and I trust in him… still… this pain is just too much.. I keep asking God, “why did it have to be me to find him gone, Lord? Why?

  • I lost my ex partner of 27 years last week ! although we split up nearly 2 years ago! we have 2 daughters together and remained friends as best we could. I feel devastated ! even though I have moved on with someone really lovely and understanding I feel guilty and even responsible for my ex partners death! though I know I’m not it doesn’t stop me wondering if she would still be here had we still been together ! I also feel guilty about grieving in front of my new lady! a double edge sword but my heart still aches and I cant change that ! life ! death! is so unfair at times.

  • my darling ex husband died five days ago he was a heavy drinker with related medical issues. I loved him so much we parted because he had became violent but I know it was the alcohol . we were divorced and neither of us found new partner . I feel this heaviness in my heart and I wish he were here. He was only 45. we didn’t have children. I cant stop thinking about him we had good times and bad.I have forgiven him for the past.I feel like my heart has been ripped out I cannot grieve openly as my family don’t understand. I just hope that I am able to keep calm at his funeral as I cant believe that he wont be coming back.

  • My ex husband passed away a month ago April 2nd…he was 41 and I am 34 we we’re married 15yrs our divorce was less then a year ago and he left behind 5 boys.. 2 from his first marriage and 3 with me.. he was an only child and the whole family is having trouble dealing with his death our children are 13 , 11 , and the baby just turned 7 all boys ….i loved the man with all my heart and we divorced for reasons out of our control..he never dated or moved on after we split up the kids resided with him and i got weekends …i started dating a new man 4 months ago i just moved in with him the morning my ex passed but before we got the news and now this new man has stepped up and is takin care of us all but his death made a huge inpact on my life and a piece of me died with him now iam alone to raise our children but my new bf doesnt understand how iam grieving so deeply and says hes tired of living with a dead man ?? iam so confused and hurt..i see my kids hurting and i cant help them…ive set them up grieve counseling but its been a month and fathers days next month i dont kno what to expect …no doubt i love the man iam with but i also love my ex always have …is this normal??

  • My ex and I were married for over 10 years. Our divorce was anything but messy. We had 3 children and we focused on trying to raise them working together rather than against each other. Heck we got along better after we split to the point that people would often ask us why we split up. We actually ended becoming friends. He would buy me a bottle of my favorite wine for me to fix his favorite dinner occasionally. When I met my current husband my ex would and he would hang out together with the kids on nights I worked third shift. One night the call came in from my daughter. Her Daddy had suffered a massive heart attack. He was only 48. I immediately raced to the hospital and over the following week prayed and made every deal with God I could think of. I even washed his hair. But he never regained consciousness. He died the Tuesday following our oldest child high school graduation. I try not to let my current husband see the full extent of my grief for fear of hurting him. What would have been our wedding anniversary is Tuesday and our daughter just got married last month. Friday I had my step son at the hospital for an appointment when a code blue call went out. When the crash cart went past me I started crying and pretty much lost it. He has been gone almost 2 years. I don’t understand why I am still having such a hard time. I didn’t grieve this long over my grandparents that I helped care for. I even have blamed myself thinking that maybe if we had stayed together I would have been with him to do CPR and maybe he would have survived. Or if we stayed together maybe I would have been there to nag him about his meds and feed him a better diet. When my ex father in law saw me crying at the hospital he yelled at me that I had never loved my ex. I chalked his out burst up to grief but it has always haunted me, “is that what people really think?” Even with our friendship as it was do people really think that I didn’t love him and I am that cold hearted? To this day his father still lashes out at me over anything and everything. As much as I love my children and husband I have prayed for God to take me at times and even asked God why he didn’t take me instead. Some people say that it gets better with time. Why hasn’t mine? For Christ sake we were divorced, so why hasn’t mine lessened? This year of Christmas, Thanksgiving, Anniversary, etc was worse than the first year. My first year seems to have been more like a zombie state than this year. What and why is this happening like this? When is it going to get better?

  • Firstly I want to say how much reading these stories has helped me – to see that I’m not alone, and that what I am feeling is normal.
    My ex-husband passed away just over three weeks ago, on April 4. It sounds strange to call him my ex-husband. We were married for less than three years when I left, but together for 14. Just 19 when we got together, and inseparable. Soul mates, I suppose.
    But he found life hard. Traumas from his childhood, growing up and later in life, with work and other things, wore down this kind, funny, ridiculously (annoyingly) clever person and pain, anxiety and panic attacks set in. I tried to help him. Took the train with him to work so I’d be there to help with his panic attacks. Encouraged him to see a counsellor. Tried to get him to open up to me.
    He started drinking more and more, would sit up all night playing Internet poker, didn’t want to go anywhere, eventually barely paid attention to me. Even though he would always say I was the love of his life, the only good thing in his life (which I know, is never healthy), I realised I wasn’t helping him or making him happy at all anymore. Only enabling, as they call it.
    I spoke to him about splitting up. But it was impossible to have a normal conversation. By this point he had lost his job and the times when the real him, my person, were visible were fewer and farther between. When I saw him, he was overwhelmed with pain.
    In the end, I cheated on him. One night when I didn’t come home. Something blanked inside me, something made me seek this escape. I didn’t tell him, because I already felt it was over.
    But he found out and flipped out. And I left.
    This is getting very long, so I’ll speed up a bit. when he calmed down, we talked and saw each other a lot. I wanted to help him and be his friend. I still loved him. So much. But after a few months, he sent a message saying he planned to take tablets and kill himself. For me. As a Christmas present. I told the police and they went round and intervened.
    But that was the end of our contact. I wasn’t helping, and clearly couldn’t be his friend as I so wanted to be.
    I last saw him 18 months ago. He had still been living in my flat while we sorted out the details (as you can imagine, very tricky with the state he was in). I sat with him in the garden we had shared so many happy memories in and he looked so thin and sad. So pained.
    By this time I had met a lovely new man, who I have just celebrated two years with.
    But that celebration was overshadowed by the intense grief I am going through.
    The person I loved so much, who was everything to me, died of a burst stomach ulcer and peritonitis, brought on by finally stopping drinking – but not given any treatment because he was so scared of doctors. He had been getting better, had counselling and was setting up a business. Then he died. Aged 35. His sister found him in his flat after not hearing from him. She got in touch with me and, despite some horrible words when we split, the whole family were welcoming at the funeral and told me they knew what I’d been through and how much I loved him.
    Reading the below, I realise how lucky I am because of this, and how different it could have been.
    My boyfriend is the most understanding and loving person I could wish for. I talk about my ex and the past we shared. The guilt I feel and how upset I am. And he is there for me.
    I am going to see a counsellor because I don’t want the burden to be on him.
    At the funeral, and now, I felt like something huge was ripped out of me. I had messages from him, mostly email, over the years. Often nonsensical, jumbled. I didn’t reply because I worried it would make things worse. Then I found one in FB filtered messages, wishing me the best and saying he would like to clear the air if possible. I found it four days after he died.
    I wanted to speak to him and one day perhaps be friends again. Now I’ll never get the chance. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over that.

  • Well for me it wasnt my ex husband but my ex boyfriend, past away a few months ago and when i heard i was in shock. I was heartbroken i didnt know what to do at all . He meant alot to me being my ex and also a friend. He was a great person with alot of goals set for him . I am still grieving as well as his family and his girlfriend. It has been several months and i still cant deal with the fact that he is gone . I always remember our good times together and our bad times and i keep it all bottled up inside because of my boyfriend and never let it out . Its all hard for me but i am trying. So showing your emotion is all good but not for too long and not around your kids because they might think you dont love their dad.

  • 20 y/o daughter just told me her dad was given a few weeks to live. He & I have not talked since divorce (his choice) daughter says he she doesn’t think he would talk to me now, does not want to talk to anyone now. I want to reach out but feel like I should respect his wishes. not sure what to do.

  • My Ex- husband dies March 22nd 2016. He was an acholic that was about to get treatment, but didn’t make it that far. He died of Liver failure at the age of 33. We have a 9yr old son together and he looks just like my ex. We were still friends and I loved him still, but it was a different kind of love than it was when we were married. we were soul mates. I have a fiance now and grieving is very hard. Even at work no one understands they say how come you are crying he is your ex!!! It makes me so mad. I have a child with this man. He is not just some guy I dated! We were married for 6 years and our divorce was not messy we ended on good terms. I begged him to stop drinking, but I know addiction you can’t just stop. He was trying to get help. I can only grieve alone and it really sucks. I guess what hurts the most is our son will never have a relationship with his father. I may have a fiance, but I still loved my ex. How long does the grieving last? He was only 33!!! I cry for Marley our son he is so strong he is there for me I also have a 16 month old son by my fiance. They are the only things keeping me from losing my mind and I cant talk to my fiance or cry. I just need some advice or someone with a similar experience. Thank you. God bless.

  • My ex husband died July 2nd 2015. Unexpectedly. We have a now 9 year old girl and a now 8 year old boy. I have been remarried and have a total of 5 children and I love my current husband dearly, but I still grieved and do still grieve the loss.
    My oldest 2 children lived with my ex husband and now they are full time with us. And though I always wanted it that way it has been quite an adjustment for everyone involved.
    He was my high school sweetheart and my first love and it is hard to believe he is gone. I have zero idea how to deal as many feel I should be over it as we were divorce 5 years prior etc.
    I am off and on mad at him for leaving I know he would never leave his children if he could choose BUT he’s gone and I am here trying to pick up the pieces of the mess.He never moved on and never got over walking out on my therefore that made things 10 times harder because believe me his family let’s me know it.
    My husband is super understanding thank God because…April is my exes birthday month AND June comes father’s day…My daughter had a daddy daughter dance he had to go to and my son had boy scout projects we had to struggle to figure out. All the while their grades slipped and emotions are crazy. I quit my job to try to be there for them and the other kids through this transition.
    I am mad at him and I am sad at the same time I feel like…I cannot explain it. It really isn’t okay…it isn’t fair and I have a very hard time keeping it together when we go to a wedding and I know he won’t walk our daughter down the aisle or have a daddy daughter dance…but what’s worse is she knows it and mentions it.
    I am hoping this will get easier on all of us…

  • My ex passed away 5 hours ago and I have been sobbing like a baby. I divorced her 7 years ago in what was a very bitter ordeal. She asked for the divorce even though we were both miserable. I remarried and the hatefulness from my Ex was just awful. I was banned from seeing my step-grandkids which I had a very close relationship with. I raised their father (my step son) since he was 4 years old, so I never considered his kids not my grandkids. My Ex and her son used the grandkids as weapons to hurt me, and it worked. She furthermore scorned and character assassinated me to all my relatives and friends to which many I will never have back. After all this and much more, I still loved her but was not in love with her. She was diagnosed with cancer shortly after we divorced and I was now seeing my very first girlfriend who I had reunited with at a 30 year class reunion. She had just lost her husband a few months prior. Since many of my friends and family were sympathetic to my ex as the victim here, I was glad to have the love from my girlfriend and her large family during the holiday season again since my family was shunning me. The real reason i fell outta love with my wife i could not speak of in a defense because it is such a devastating series of occurrences i didn’t want to chance it becoming public and affecting the kids and grandkids. So i kept silent which didn’t help my case with defending myself against her barrage of attacks on me. The info i held on her and her family would destroy a lot of lives so i became the sacrificial lamb. We both must take responsibility in our failed marriage as both made mistakes. But i took the brunt of it publicly. I watched as my ex would get all the attention from our son and I received little. I now lived an hour away from them which just as soon be another continent because I rarely got to see our son that we shared from our union together. over the 7 years since our divorce I witnessed her cancer coming back several times and her going through the changes with the chemo. It was hard to witness. Finally 3 months ago the cancer returned and there was no more treatments they could perform. One would think this diagnosis would be cause for an ex to seek me out and lets patch things up for the family’s sake since she was now terminal and her days were numbered. Not the case. When my phone rang and our son told me she had passed i just was overwhelmed with grief. i couldn’t speak, started balling and had to hang up the phone. my current wife was out of the country so it was just me and the dog. My phone started ringing off the hook, and i couldnt answer it. i posted a nice announcement about her passing on facebook so our friends could be notified. I then started digging through syuff trying to find some pictures I once had of her, o i could paste one on the facebook post. In the process i opened my 75 year old family bible and a piece of folded paper lipped out. It was an old letter from my ex of all people dated 1997, which was two years before we started having problems. The letter was handwritten and her words were from the woman she once was when we were so in love. i dropped to the floor and started crying even harder, yelling what in the hell went wrong? why didn’t we we try harder to stay in love? why couldn’t she still be this person? Why did we allow all these mistakes to kill our marriage? I could see everything so clearly now. I missed her for the person she used to be and what could have been.i was her rock at one time. Now to think she was gone forever from this earth was such a finality I was having trouble coping. Just 5 hours ago we couldn’t stand to be in the same room, now i wish i could sit and talk to her for hours one last time. What I was now experiencing was just so weird and my soul was grieving like we were still newlyweds and i just lost her. My son had told me she was going to be cremated and her ashes were to be spread in her flower garden she so loved. There was to be no grave site or stone monument in her remembrance. She had never remarried after we divorced and had no desire I guess to have a lone grave. When I heard all this the sorrow and pity just amplified within me. How could someone die and leave no trace of their existence? Where would myself, the grandkids, her sons, go to sit and talk to her? Emotionally I am a wreck tonight. yesterday I was dreading the phone call of her passing because of having to see her family and those of my friends and family that turned on me 7 years ago. Never once did i think her passing would leave me so grief stricken. i miss her as the woman I was once in love with and what could have been had we just taken the time to stop and work things out maybe. I would hate to think of my mental state and depression if I weren’t married to another remarkable woman whom i love and she loves me. no one should have to grieve this badly.

  • I lost my ex husband on 8/15/2015 we were celebrating our son’s birthday. I was at a water park with our son and my ex husband was fishing in a tournament in Texas. I received a phone call he had a seizure and fell over the boat and drowned. We met in 1996 dated for 5 months he reentered my life in 2000, we got married in 2002 and had our son on our wedding anniversary 8/17/2004. We got divorced in 2010 because of his passion for fishing and he lived on the water 24/7. Losing him has ripped a piece of my heart. We had a great co-parenting relationship, it did take some time but we reached it. Our son has Autism and thankfully he has not grieved over the loss of losing his father. He understands he is in heaven, however, he tells me daily he wants to go there and bring his dad back home. I have remarried and I am blessed to have found the man I am now with. My ex actually gave me “approval” and said he was happy I found someone. I cry over him every day especially since I am handling his estate. It is a constant reminder of the loss and he was loved by so many especially in the fishing industry. I am thankful he died on the water because he always said “If I go let it be on the water”. I cry mostly when I am alone, I have cried in front of my husband and he understands that we had a very unique relationship. I guess I really never stopped loving him by how much I grieve over him. I accepted when I left the marriage, I would never be first, his passion for fishing was his life. He would see our son during holidays, and the summer. He supported me financially up until the day he died. He never said NO to me when I needed extra money. I also know he was very thankful I allowed him to live his life and travel while our son lived with me full time. It hurts I feel emptiness even though my life has moved on. I try not to cry because he always had this attitude about death ” we are all going to die sooner or later”. I try not to cry and remain strong for myself, my son and my family. DEATH SUCKS…

  • I was married to my Ex Husband for over 25 years. The last 10 years taking care of him after cancer, followed by heart failure and last but not least followed by a stroke. I personally saved his life in my home twice. In our last year of marriage he and his Ex Kathy reunited on the internet and they decided they wanted to be together. I filed for divorce a few days after hearing this from Bill. The divorce was signed, sealed and done…in 30 days. My last comment to Bill in court was. “I hope she takes as good a care of you as I did… or….you will not last a year.” If only I could take that back. Almost all of our friends quit talking to me but…kept Bill as their friend. I stayed in my family home; he went to live with her in a different state. A few months later he was back…it did not work out. The 5th month after our divorce I started getting phone calls from Bill, sometimes talking for over an hour, mostly about us. We even exchanged many emails. 2 months after we reconnected I received a phone call on my answering machine stating he was gone. I could not believe it. He had called me the night before but…I was not near my phone. I tried calling him back and ended up sending a text. The following morning I called his cell phone again. Unbeknownst to me..Bill was calling from ICU and had been in the hospital for days. Not a single one of my old friends for over 20 years, called to let me know he was ill and in the hospital. My old best friend thru a wake for Bill and her husband let it be known to others I better not show up. I was not able to mourn or put proper closure to my life with my Ex. Yes, I filed for the divorce but even in filing …I still loved him dearly. Not a single day has gone by in the past two years since his passing; I have not thought about him and mourned his death. When I get teary eyed I try to think about the good times. The laughter, love and adventures we had in our lives together. I wish I knew when the mourning would stop or when I will be able to forgive myself for saying what I should not have said.
    I am in a new healthy, loving and honest relationship with someone I have known for over 7 years. Life does go on…but not without backward glances of would I, should I, could I have changed the outcome.

  • My ex husband died suddenly due to a heart related condition on December 22, 2015 at 7:10 am. Our two sons and I live about 1 1/2 hours away. We were contacted immediately after he passed in the ER, our sons are 23 and 17. We were married for 21 years, but seperated for 16 years. We co parented very well for the last five years. I find myself mourning every future event we were supposed to experience, Graduations, Weddings, Grandchildren…I feel one statement on here was so true…I had lost my husband long ago, but my Children just lost their father. I cannot imagine how much they will be missing for the rest of their lives. I saw a photo of his headstone it’s very beautiful, yet scares me. I see my sons name, my last name, I felt yesterday that I was afraid to have that huge headstone on top of him. I felt he couldn’t breathe. I know, I know, he can’t regardless…But it still upset me terribly. He was so Strong and healthy this threw us all for a loop. He never awoke that morning, never spoke again. We didn’t get to say goodbye to him, and I would have given anything for our babies to have been able to do that. But I feel him around us I know he’s watching them, I just pray he took All of our Love with him.

  • My ex-husband is dying and I am heartbroken. Our daughter just turned 18, and there were some years lost because of his actions. No matter, I encouraged her to forgive and luckily they have reconciled. I am so scared of how guilty she will feel and I am just dying inside because he is a part of my family.

  • When my ex-husband and I divorced it was messy and a lot of people were hurt by it. But thankfully we didn’t have any children. He lived in Texas and I moved back to my home state of Kentucky. His family and I cut off contact from each other. Well, I hadn’t heard from him in a while, because we would periodically write each other on Facebook. Realizing we weren’t friends anymore on there, I googled his name.

    And to my horror and shock I found his obituary. I checked to see if it was truly him and it was. He had died in May of 2015 and I just found out in March of 2016. I’m so heartbroken that he pass not only because I remember the good times we had together but because not a single person in his family or close friends told me. I think it is a horrible way to find out someone you once love died. I don’t want to reach out to them because I figure that if they didn’t tell me they don’t want anything to do with me.

    I’ve been mourning his passing for days now and feel so alone in it. I’ve talked to my family and my current husband sharing memories and that has helped. But I feel like I can’t get closure. 🙁

  • I would not want a man afraid to shed a tear over someone who was a big part of his life at one time.

  • Actually yes my employer gave me three days off. I helped my children with arrangements and cleaning out his house. I also attended the funeral helped with getting someone to play music and someone to speak. The problem with people is throwing out the baby with the bath water. We had 23 years of marriage and you do not just forget that relationship ever existed. I did not choose to end that marriage he did when he continued illegal activity in our home. But just because i tefuse to be a part of something does not change my feelings for someone else. You should never throw a blanket judgement on someone. My children needed me that day and what kind of mother woukd I have been not to be there for them? I have lived through something you have not. I will not tell you what you need to do when your ex dies but I know without a doubt I did the right thing. You do not get do overs in life so you have to do the right thing. I went to the hospital and spoke to him also while he was on respirator and assured him his family loved him. You see i had already lost my husband before that day but my children lost their father and we (my ex and me) shared a love for them and he would want me there I know that for sure.

  • Just a suggestion that it might be best not to feed the troll(s). Communicate with those who actually understand and are experiencing the topic discussed here and ignore the rest who have nothing of value to add to the discussion.

  • I brought his child into the world and I am raising his child (his parents only grandson).

  • Thank you, CelticTara.

  • A 14 year old who just had his life shattered by the loss of his father deserves to have his mother by his side through the service. The mother is there to support and comfort her son.

  • Do some research … google it. It exists and can be worse than physical abuse.

  • It does break a mother’s heart when their children lose their father. My teen son lost his father earlier this year and he is still grieving. I, too, am grieving in my own way though I have nobody to support me in this. After the divorce we remained close. We supported each other as parents to our son. He was an instrumental part of my older children’s lives during their formative years. No matter what anyone else says, I always wished the best for him and I never wanted to have him totally gone from my children’s lives.

  • She never said she divorced him. She said he had a new relationship.

  • A young child going through the grieving process has every right to have their mother sit with them at the funeral, as long as the family of the deceased is in agreement. Daniel, you really need some help.

  • Chrissy, Janet is right. You have EVERY RIGHT to grieve. You are mother to his son. You have a right to grieve his loss. It is a loss for your son as well, which is difficult even if you were divorced. My ex passed last Spring and at the funeral service I was actually invited to sit up with my son at the front with the rest of my ex’s family because they agreed that my son would benefit from having the support. It is difficult for us to get support of our grieving because unless anyone has been through it they just don’t understand. Please know that you have a support here.

  • You have no right to verbally abuse the women on this board.

  • Daniel, you do not know my situation. You do not know how my ex treated me while we were married which led up to why I had to leave the marriage in a hurry. You were not there in court when I had to get a restraining order against him due to his extreme anger and his threatening behavior.

  • You have every right to grieve the death of your ex husband Chris. Do not listen to what Daniel posts as he is a very bitter man who seems to take great joy and putting woman down. He does not know the circumstances of our lives and moreover, he is not able to take into consideration how children of divorced families feel. Children historically love both parents, flaws and all. Just tell your current husband that you and your ex once upon a time shared a history and had a child. Tell him it does not diminished your love for him. I believe we always need to put the feelings of our children first in cases like this. I wish you the best and am sorry your ex had to struggle so badly. Addiction does that and it knows no boundaries. Be strong for your son!

  • Bless you heart Stephanie!

  • I’m really hurt over hearing of my ex Hus death. I was so saddened. I’m in another relationship so it makes me confused on exspessing my feelings. Than our son together looks just like him it makes me even more sad

  • Just to let you know there are bad people out there and it’s not entirely women. My ex was not a bad person. Relationships fail for many reasons,everyones circumstance is different.,sometimes we can still remain civil and sometimes even friends. I’m sorry you had to go through such a horrible divorce. Please try and see the good in some of us as I know I’m a good person and I happen to be a woman. I don’t know you but nobody deserves to lose a child . There is help out there ( bearevment) Just a suggestion, I’m only trying to help. Take care.

  • I’m terribly sorry about your soon that is so heartbreaking, I don’t know what to say. I know its hardest on the children. My heart does go out to you for your loss I’m sorry I misjudged you. I hope and pray one day you will find peace,nobody should have to lose a child that’s got to be the most difficult thing in the world. Sometimes we need to seek help in order to deal with our pain I hope you find peace one day,I honestly do

  • Daniel – you are entitled to your opinion, however this is not the appropriate forum for your anger. This is a supportive place for people who want to share a like experience. – JoAnne

  • Beth –
    You mixed emotions are normal. At one time you loved him and despite the fact you divorced does not mean you wouldn’t grieve the good times as you mentioned. Best to feel the feelings and move through them. In time grief lessens its intensity. – JoAnne

  • How are you doing Chrissy? I encourage you to find a way to grieve the loss – your ex was part of your life and to have no feeling or to cover them up isn’t realistic or healthy. if you current husband doesn’t understand than find a grief group and go for yourself. being around like-minded people would be helpful because you need to talk about him. – JoAnne

  • Justine, I so appreciate your rational comment. Understanding and compassion are certainly what makes us human as well as the ability to forgive. – JoAnne

  • you’re a fool or a troll. My husband died recently and I am encouraging his ex wife who is my friend (their divorce was amicable) to grieve as openly as she wants. we will all help one another. They had children (grown) and we all miss him. Understanding and compassion are what makes us human. You seem not to know that.

  • My ex husband father of my son past just September 26, 2015 i don’t have anyone to talk to about it my husband just doesn’t understand n makes him feel like i don’t love him bc i am grieving the loss of my ex and my family hate my ex n are glad he’s dead bc know my son won’t be around him which makes it even harder to deal w he was a great husband towards the end put i have a lot of good memories n i did n still love him like my current husband said we would have never met or got together if he would have went to rehab n really got straight up instead of telling u that he wasn’t going to change n that it was for the best to get a divorce n move on bc the drugs had such a hold on him and that’s what happened they finally took his life. If u could help me grieve through this or know someone that can i would appreciate it.

  • You are a very shallow man! Sometimes we offer Grace to our ex husbands despite of there humanly worth but there eternal soul. It would be a cold person that is not saddened of the loss of any loved one. The father of a woman’s children is not taken lightly by some even if you feel it means nothing. Maybe you should examine your bitterness instead of our grief.

  • My ex husband passed away 3 weeks ago. I was married for 23 years and I was victim of domestic violence. He was a heavy drinker among other things. Although he was abusive we also had good times too.. Whenever I feel sad that he passed away I get confused with the drama of our lives. It is hard and confusing to grieve for him. He was a difficult man to love and difficult man to grieve. I know leaving him was the right thing to do but stilI have waves of guilt because I could not save him l. But when i first left him 5 and half years ago I had night terrors. They had stopped about 2 years ago and now i have weird dreams and have trouble sleeping. My children loved him but understand my position and are very supportive.

  • You have no idea,what happened .,therefore keep you cruel words to yourself. People like you will never understand the lose of a loved one wether past or present especially when you see how much your children are suffering. I would watch those words that come out of your mouth you could be in the same position some day. The problem with our world is there are too many heartless people like you in it.!!!!!!!

  • You people on here have no compassion. My present hubby understands completely and doesn’t judge me.I feel so sorry for any woman that latches onto you. It’s quite normal to morn ctge lose of a former spouse especially when your children are involved. You really should watch what you say it will come back at you eventually. The problem with this world compassionate people are so far and few between. I hope you never suffer a lose of a loved one wether present or past,you may eat your words.

  • My ex-spouse died on 2/20/2015 of a massive heart attack. We had seen each other since 1995. I had left him because of his drug addiction. We both starting it together, but when I saw it was getting the best of us I stopped and that he stopped to. We both went into a day program together and at the end the program, I was told from our clinical counselor that he had been lying to me and making me think that he had. But each they gave us urine test and I kept passing mine, but he didn’t. When we came into our relationship initially, my son was 4yrs and his son was 6months. We was really a handsome looking family. Long story short, I end leaving him. He tried so many times to get me to give him another chance, but I was so full of myself and so full of anger towards him that I just started enjoying being single and it was something inside of me that kept pushing me from giving into him. His family adored me and I them, but we lost touch. These last 16 years we never ran into another being in the same circles. The love and respect was always there because my husband never cheated on me and we were best friends and lovers. I couldn’t see all that we had then through my rage of disappointments. Boy am I filled with so much regret. I had a dream that I was giving birth and it hurt so bad, but I never saw the baby in my dream and when I woke up that, I kept thinking that I had never had a dream like that before in my life and I’m 54. Later that morning I got the call that my ex-spouse was in the hospital but on life support and that his mom was going to be taking him off that evening. For some reason I didn’t believe that his condition was really that serious, but when I got there and saw him lying in that bed unresponsive something broke inside of me and I haven’t been the same since. Today October 10 would had been our 23 anniversary. I know

  • No i dont feel relieved because regardless of what happened i always held onto that lil bit of hope that one day he would get help,he came from a very fckd up family and turned to drugs. And yes i always said i just wish he wld die because i thought it would make things easier. I’d get his social security and i cld tell my son ur dads dead instead of he just dsnt give to flying fcks and hes on drugs. But last friday when i got the call that he was murdered in broad daylight no i honestly can say i wasnt relieved, i feel guilt and sorrow. Not just for my boy but for his dad. We now can longer can hold onto hope because someone took that away from us. What time my son got to spend with his dad he was to young to remember…I’ve learned from this to watch what i say…especially when it comes to my boy.

  • You are a scorned ex…not everyone breaks up because they hate each other. Some just learn their not right for each. Just because ur ex is crazy etc doesn’t mean everyone has the same type of relationship as yours..and even so even if they did break up on bad terms doesnt mean they don’t have the right to mourn. You sound like your a 25 old boy who married to quick and learned the hard way. My sons father put me in the head trauma unit and i hated him with a passion and im still mourning his death. Because when u truly love someone that love doesnt go away..u have ur opinions and if u choose to exclude ur ex from ur funeral so be it. But you have no right to tell someone else their wrong for mourning someones death…

  • My ex fiance just passed. He was gunned down. MURDERED. I have a 6 yr old son to him. I hated him to the core. He was mentally and physically abusive to me.. he was also an alcoholic and addict. But i myself have cried.. i myself have so much guilt. I feel that i shouldn’t have given up on him. I always held onto that lil bit of hope that one day his son would see what a good dad he could be. That he would get clean and sober. But now someone took that away from me and my boy. And im struggling daily to cope with this. Just because we are not together with an ex doesn’t mean you dont mourn the death especially with children involved

  • Daniel! You are cruel and you are heartless. I got news for you. I divorced my ex husband for reasons I am not about to share here, due to people like you. But we remained friends. We had a history, we had children together. When he became ill, I took him into my home where he remained with my younger son and myself till he took his last breathe. Don’t you dare tell anyone they are not allowed to cry. Sad you had to use words from a movie rather then to be inventive and come up with your own words. Truly you are a very cruel human being with a heart of ice. Shame on you – but you have no shame because you have no conscience. Ladies and gentlemen , you have every right to cry and grieve if you want don’t like someone like Daniel deter you! Sounds like he caused enough trouble in his own marriage, that when he leaves this world, he will attempt to make more trouble for his EX. He might be able to bar her from his funeral but he cannot stop any grief she may feel, anymore then he can stop ours. He is only on this board to inflict more pain on those who are grieving!

  • Rhonda, I’m not sure you’ll see this but I was so glad to find your post. My husband died on March 15, 2015 of unknown causes. We were separated and I have felt many of the same feelings as you. Alienation in my grief, lack of support, being alone. I have

  • My husband died on September 5th. Our divorce never finalized. We were living apart and he had a new relationship, but he never got over me. He always said I was his best friend, and professed his love for me. When I found out he was dying, I was devastated. Not just for myself, but for our son. My grief over his death has been unlike anything I’ve experienced. His was the first funeral I attended. I was basically treated like an outcast during the entire funeral. His mother was an extremely toxic influence during our relationship, and in his passing still tried to control the narrative of his life and his life with his family. She’s caused me so much grief when I was with my husband and at his funeral I saw she will forever be that way.

  • I’m so sorry. I don’t understand the family. My husband and I were married for 23 years. The divorce was horrible for both of us but his drinking and cheating on me got worse. I cried the day I stood in front of the judge alone asking for a divorce. We eventually made peace and were able to talk and he did finally quit drinking. When we got divorced his family was angry with me, when he died they acted like it was no big deal. I fell apart. I had no one to have just be there and hold my hand and understand although we were divorced we still loved each other. My youngest was devastated. He pulled away from everyone. My oldest son we had to fly back from his deployment in Okinawa. His wife was there and being newly married he leaned on her. I was OK with that. They were more important. My ex died flin his sleep. Drinking and gaining lots of weight took its toll on his body.

  • My ex husband and I got divorced Nov 2014 but didn’t file the final paperwork until the first week of Sept 2015. My ex husband was killed in a car accident Sept 2, 2015 in a head on collision (his fault)…..I found out about the accident the next afternoon on facebook. I called my old neighbor and she told me it was true and that it was on the news…..At first, I felt disbielf because what’s put on fb is sometimes not true….Then, I felt I lost without him and wanted to kill myself to be with him…..We were together for 38 years…..His daughter is 7 years younger than I and his son is 9 years younger…..He left behind 2 adult children, 4 adult grandchildren, and 3 great grandsons……They never called to tell me……My ex and I had a good relationship.. We were finally becoming friends after our divorce….My heart aches for him…..
    He was living in the fast lane going to concerts, drinking, dating, and driving his Mustang too fast. I had this feeling the day before it happened something was wrong because he didn’t return my text…barBara

  • Daniel Keith you’re a jerk.

  • Just like I told him, I would EXPECT him to. If he loved her enough to have children with her, then he would most certainly grieve or he has no concept of love at all. It doesn’t just completely go away simply because ur no longer “romantically in love” any more

  • Ok. Let me

  • Number on. I think the pension goes to you in its entire

  • My ex husband, and father of our 2 daughters passed away suddenly in a boating accident, 5 years ago Aug 28th. He was engaged to be married that Sept and I had remarried that April. We had been married for 6 years, it just didn’t work out. We were better friends divorced than we were married. We talked several times a week about life and our daughters. I was at the hospital more than his fiance was in the 5 days prior to removing him from life support. I was incredibly close to his family, I have since lost touch with all of them except his brother, his brother’s wife and their daughter, my niece. I feel a void that will not go away. I am so happy and blessed in my second marriage. I just can not get past the void. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

  • My ex died last week.I was married to him for 40 years and while I was at work my ex hired and loaded up a moving van with all joint household property and left the state to continue an affair he was having with a first cousin he became reacquainted with on facebook which occurred over the span of 3 months. He had not seen her in 54 years. I was served divorce papers the same day he left when I got home and saw an empty house. I was unaware of the affair because I was working and my ex was retired. I couldn’t retire when he did because I was getting the health care coverage for us. His leaving happened 3 years ago. He eventually married this cousin and moved again to a 2nd state. Their marriage was only 1 year 3 months long when he died of a massive heart attack. He had almost no contact with our son since leaving. The divorce conditions financially have still not been met. I am still retaining an attorney to now acquire what is due me through his estate. Yes we(my son and I) grieved twice over. I hurt and I’m scared because 40 years is a long time to build memories that will probably never go away. A different cousin even called me asking me what my ex’s wishes were when he died. Our adult son was never consulted about his wishes for his dad. His cousin/wife cremated him which was not my ex’s wish. I’m also worried financially because he was collected 1/2 of my pension and because I am a state employee, I have to live on1/2 my pension for the rest of my life. It looks like retirement is never going to happen for me. I am 63 years old and starting my 35th year in teaching. Any guidance is appreciated.

  • My ex-husband and I divorced over 15 years ago. He remarried and had another child, and subsequently divorced his second wife. We have two adult children. He was 20 and I was 19 when we were married.

  • My ex-wife passed away today. We were married for 19 years divorced 6
    years. I am feeling emotional pain. It hurts. I just talked to her two days ago.
    She sounded up beat. This was unexpected. I thought about Vera quite often as I
    was always thinking about her well-being. I wish things would have been better
    toward the latter part of our marriage. I’ve always blamed myself. Now she is
    gone. I won’t be able to talk to her again. I have re married but for some
    reason I feel alone. I still love Vera and always will. Please forgive me Vera. Rest In Peace

  • I am having a difficult time. My ex-husband passed away suddenly this past spring. We were married 10 years then divorced. Ultimately we ended up getting along, being friends and supporting each other during rough spots. We attended our son’s sporting events together, even carpooling when convenient. He was step-father to my older children, though it felt like his family didn’t accept them as I had hoped they would. Through the years there were incidents where it seemed the child we had together was favored and my oldest two were just “accepted”. I am having difficulty coping with the in-laws. I attended the funeral with my son, not only to give him support but also so I could express my condolences to his family. I felt like an outcast, though some of them warmed up to me after a while. I did try to give his mother a hug, from which she cringed and obviously did not want me near her. I later was given the impression that I was the one being blamed for the divorce. They did not know the details of why we divorced. They knew of his anger issues but felt I should accept it. At the funeral I find out that my ex had a girlfriend which I had suspected but he never admitted to. She was in love with him and is trying to cope with his loss. Ex’s family (MIL) have welcomed her with open arms, with MIL being glad she showed him “true love”. While my head tells me I should just get past it and move on, my heart still hurts so very much.

  • First I would like to than the moderator for this topic. It is an important issue since we now live in a society where the divorce and marriage rates are practically equal. I suffered the loss of my ex-wife (divorced in Sept. 2010 after a 2 year battle) this past March 3, 2015. She was diagnosed with Stage 3C Ovarian Cancer on December 1, 2014 and I was one of the 1st people that she called to advise. We separated, and subsequently divorced, due to her no longer being in love with me. She was in what seemed to be a relationship at that time and after 2 years of battle our divorce was finalized. However, we met right before our 2nd mediation, talked our issues through, apologized to one another and over time forgve one another so that we could begin co-parenting our children. Fast forward 5 years, and we were in a decent spot. We were friends, lived less than 10 minutes away and worked together for the betterment of our children. We spent some holidays and bithdays together and managed to get along well. When she got sick all I could think of was her and her relationship with the children. What did the future look like for them? me? She passed in 4 months leaving some things behind to clean up but, because we were friends, we talked about a plan and the future for our children. The first 4 months of her passing have been tough. It is surreal sometimes and she pops in to my mind every once in a while unexpectedly and I get melancholy. I cried a lot at first, her father relies a lot on me as he had lost his wife in 2006 and now his only child in 2015. He has little family and his grandchildren (12 and 17) are the closest thing that he has left that he cancall family.

    Getting past your ex’s passing is all about forgiveness. We forgave each other upfront and were able to make amends before she got sick. Some cannot say that as their ex’s past unexpectedly or unknowingly. Accept their misgivings as a weakness, forgive the weakness and then remember the good times that you had with that spouse. It is o.k. to cry, write letters to whomever you need to and keep the big picture in mind which is any children that are in the picture and their family that you may need to continue to keep in touch with. Forgiveness and time heals these wounds. If you were the one that needs forgiveness and are seeking that from other so you can get on with your life in peace then meet those in person, be prepared to be open and honest with them, tell them your story, sincerely apologize, ask for the forgiveness and then wait for the healing to begin either on the spot or in time.

    I am sorry for all of those who have lost loved ones and are in pain. I suffer this pain in many forms too. Sadness, depression, lack of concentration and focus, lack of motivation but in time these will return as the healing overtakes me more and more. I think that my ex- does not want me to be unhappy as a sad daddy makes sad children.

    thank you for reading my comments and I sincerely hope that I am able to help you heal through my perspective.

  • My ex fiance and daughter’s father passed away suddenly last week. I haven’t spoken to him since 2008 or seen him since 2004. I’m taking this really bad that he is gone. I don’t understand why im grieving so much for him. It did take me years to get over him and i eventually married another. I want to contact his sister but I’m nervous of what there reaction would be. He never had a relationship with our daughter and I hope they don’t blame me for that. I also hope that he didn’t pass away thinking I was intentionally keeping our daughter away because that was not the case. I hope he knew that I never hated him for breaking my heart. I think I’m grieving so much for him because deep down I still love him.

  • My ex-husband died in March. We were together for 20 years. it was half my life. There remains him in everything I do. He suffered from mental illness and depression and our relationship was very destructive and abusive. I finally found the strength to leave fearing for my own survival. I knew when I left him, he would someday commit suicide. And he did, 8 years after we parted. I know he never got over my leaving. He died broke and alone. I knew my leaving would be the end of him. I live with that guilt and wish he was kind to me, the only person who loved him so much. I would never have left if he wasn’t so cruel. I also know it was mental illness but that doesn’t help the pain in my heart. t know we will love each other for eternity. But I am remarried to a wonderful man but my grief over his death at times is beyond anything I have ever known. I grieve alone not to let my current husband see. There is so much to our story. It helps me just to write this strangers. I loved him. I hope to live a long life but I also hope that when it is my time, he is there waiting for me, happy as he was when we were us long ago.

  • My ex-husband died in March. We were together for 20 years. it was half my life. There remains him in everything I do. He suffered from mental illness and depression and our relationship was very destructive and abusive. I finally found the strength to leave fearing for my own survival. I knew when I left him, he would someday commit suicide. And he did, 8 years after we parted. I know he never got over my leaving. He died broke and alone. I knew my leaving would be the end of him. I live with that guilt and wish he was kind to me, the only person who loved him so much. I would never have left if he wasn’t so cruel. I also know it was mental illness but that doesn’t help the pain in my heart. t know we will love each other for eternity. But I am remarried to a wonderful man but my grief over his death at times is beyond anything I have ever known. I grieve alone not to let my current husband see. There is so much to our story. It helps me just to write this strangers. I loved him. I hope to live a long life but I also hope that when it is my time, he is there waiting for me, happy as he was when we were us long ago.

  • Thank you for proving my point. What makes you think after you divorced a guy you have any right to sit at the table in his funeral or anything. You divorced him. Accept your decision and suffer the consequences ie suffering or mourning in silence and move on. Every single male and some females I have,shown this to don’t know what the hell you are all talking about.

  • Sad thing is…. APPARENTLY, nobody will find grief in your passing????

  • Apparently you “cry” victim because you lash out, PATHIC BEING, YOU are! GET OVER YOURSELF Douchebag Keith and get past all of YOUR OWN issues and stop CREATING CHAOS in others lives because you find THINK that you find yourself to be a keyboard “badass”…..


  • YOU have issues dude!

  • DoucheBAG!

  • Rhonda, I ECHO your story soooo closely! I have had NOBODY to lean on…. and I am a closet mourner…and it so SUCKS! Please, do NOT hesitate to contact me! Tanya.kicks@yahoo.com (however it is my junk email)…if you make several attempts, I look through spammed messages and I can give you my more personal email address and phone number. I just worry about spam and trash… I HOPE to hear from you! I KNOW YOUR HURT!… Tanya

  • Quote from a fabulous movie. Doesn’t make you any less of mean-spirited troll. My guess is you’re actually a 16-year-old girl who is simply bored. Little girl, when your breasts are fully grown, tune back in for an adult conversation.

  • My ex husband died on Tuesday. There was no bad feelings between us at the end but it ended after 18 years when I had an affair. I am just at a loss at the moment

  • I have been in that situation and was friends with his ex-wife. I cried as well. So evidently, you are incapable of seeing any good in any of this. Again, I only feel sadness for your experience and reality. Trust me, not everybody is thinking the way you are. You just have a strong opinion.

  • Daniel, I have read many of your comments and it’s sad that you have such feelings about ex-wives grieving. Not every woman has been through a bad divorce and many stay friends with their ex’s. Either way, grief and crying is normal and people deal with it differently. Saying cruel, hurtful comments that may be true to some extent, is not appropriate.

  • I’m truly sorry for the loss of your son….however Daniel just because women divorce a man doesn’t always mean that they are the bad guys. Your case sounds pretty cut and dry but in my case I was abused and so was my son (our son) so our son no longer chose to associate with his abusive father and he grew up a better man for it. So you see we all have a story and divorce although painful as it is it is not always the worst answer for a problem. No way was I going to let myself or our son stay in danger. Yes I divorced him but 30+ years later I am grieving but alone becsuse I was cast out by his entire family who seemed to be blind to the facts, I made my choice and it was the right one. My son was raised by a fantastic man who is still Dad to our son…

  • No Daniel your just broken…

  • How can you speak for the majority? Who gave you the right to be judge jury and convictioner? Just because you got burned you seem to think all men are the victims, I got a news flash for you your wrong…I can see why your wife left for for someone else she certainly wasn’t getting love and compassion from you.

  • Daniel, it’s obvious that you have been badly hurt by a woman or a man, but don’t take your frustrations out on me or anyone else in this forum. You have no clue what my ex was thinking; what’s in my heart or what happened in my previous marriage so keep your negative comments to yourself! Bye, Troll !!!!!

  • My deceased ex-husband past away a little over 3 yrs. ago and I am still not dealing very well. One morning he tells me he loves me and withing 24 hrs he asked me for a divorce. I was devastated. Done everything I could to save it but he didn’t want any part of it. Withing 6 months after the divorce was final he passed away. To this day I do not know the exact reason why the divorce but I loved him so much that I gave it to him. Along with a high % of the divorce. I did this because my kids told me that if I went after the their dads money that they would be done with me…even tho I worked also. We had been married over 23 yrs. My kids and ex-husband meant so much to me that I didn’t want anymore hurt. For the first year my son didn’t have anything to do with me and to this day my daughter still doesn’t want to acknowledge me. I’m tired of holding my feelings back when I want to say something. I want to be able to say what’s on my mind instead of being in fear of making things even worse. I want to be able to go places and not worry about people judging me. My duaghter got married(had no part of it) and now she is going to have my first grandchild. I want the daughter/mother relationship back that we had as she was growing up. We done so much together. She was my best friend. I hurt because I feel that my kids don’t understand how much this is killing me. So many times I just want all the pain to go away. They have all they need for the rest of their lives, they don’t need Mom!

  • My ex-husband died yesterday aged 59. He had been battling cancer but the end came suddenly even if not altogether surprisingly.
    Our personal story is that we had been married for 21 years, separated for 15yrs and divorced for 5 of those years. He chose to leave & to divorce me because I was cramping his style, but we have 3 beautiful children and now a larger family including 4 grandchildren. It took effort but we maintained a friendship for our children and worked through to a place where we were at ease with each other with good camaraderie when we met. I haven’t been out with anyone nor considered remarrying, that was my choice for me. I like his current girlfriend & was pleased they had each other at such a difficult time.
    Our children & grandchildren are grieving, my own responses took me greatly by surprise. When I heard the cancer had spread to most of his body it was like I travelled through each part in horror & experiencing grief & shock. However I feel that is inappropriate and that I have no place or right to be a part of this time with my own flesh & blood.
    It is very hard to step back & worse to admit hurt – so selfish to claim part of it because it has no real effect on my daily living. I ceased to belong to his family when he walked out, I know his family don’t welcome my presence and question my place there. My kids involve me but it seems part need part patronising and I don’t know how to respond. I feel like a jigsaw piece from another puzzle, I just don’t fit anywhere. I’m doing all I can to support my family through this but each step of the way brings fresh pain that I cannot share or acknowledge. I tried to share with some of my friends but they don’t understand or try to put a positive slant on everything, like nothing can possibly be allowed to be just what it is.
    I read that I will always be a divorcee no matter what and I’m permanently stuck with that stigma regardless. Many posts were quite nasty about anyone daring to question if their legal status changes and only viewed it from a monetary or moral standpoint. I am dreading the funeral and can’t wait for it to be over. At the same time it all seems so surreal, I can’t believe he’s gone. I struggle that we will not share another joke, family anecdote, Christmas, or chats – even though we were happily not together, those times, events & memories that were ours.
    I feel for our family, his girlfriend and his family. I know I will be fine but it is really hard not to have a place or right among my own.

  • I have a similar sense of loss for my ex husband who died two days ago. However it seems illogical because my life is so much better than it ever was 25 years ago when I was married to him. Even though he had a weak heart he wasn’t a bad person. Now I wonder if he hadn’t left me for someone else, what might have been. It’s a strange time – all those old memories have returned. I don’t know what role to play apart from helping my sons with their grief. I suppose no matter how you look at it, he will always be a part of my past.

  • The guy I was engaged to before I met my husnad (3 years ago) passed away of kidney failure yesterday morning. Our relationship ended horribly, and I know for certain that I feel no like or love towards him, but I am feeling an unbearable amount of guilt and I cannot wrap my head around it. He made my life miserable, and I certainly am not mourning “what could have been.” I feel as though maybe I am upset because of how hard him and his family and even I at one point fought to keep him alive, and all that failed. I don’t feel I could have prevented it nor want to be a part of it, but it really is hurting me, like a piece of my past isn’t real anymore cause he died of exactly what we tried to prevent. I feel it’s not fair to my husband that I mourn to him. I keep having up and downs and I know he’d be great to talk to, but I don’t want to be unfair and make him feel it’s more than it is. I’m pretty torn up and Idk how to get closure.

  • hello my name is autum I met my exhusband when I was 18 we were married for 2 yrs divorced for almost 3 and have a beautiful 4yr old ytogether last month I got a phone call at 8:30pm that was in a accident and didn’t make it … he is my best friend always have been close even through the divorce …. im on a great serious relationship but a piece of me just feels so disconnected … what do I do how do I get pass this ??

  • My ex-husband, and father of my three children, passed away unexpectedly almost 7 months ago in October 2014. His wife and our oldest son were with him at the time that it happened. His heart gave out and he was no longer able to take care of those he loved. His last words were “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore.” He said those right before he collapsed. We had been married for 21 years, but separated for the last 6 years of our marriage. He remarried within two weeks of our divorce being finalized to a former girl friend from high school. I waited several years (3+) before remarrying. Our two oldest children (19 and 17) spoke lovingly of their father during his memorial service. His wife had him cremated without an autopsy. She felt that the children had been through enough and did not need to go through their father being cut open. I was with her and the kids when they told us he was gone. They brought him into the hospital on an ambulance an d worked on him for over 45 minutes between the hospital ride and in the ER, but were unable to resuscitate him. That was one of the worst nights of our lives. Our daughter screamed out and ran out of the hospital. Her daddy had been taken from her and she didn’t understand why. They led us all back to see him and say our goodbyes to him before they took him away. His wife invited me to sit by her at his memorial service and said she was sharing the grief with me. Others in the family were not so kind and felt I had no business being there. I told myself I was there to support my children – our children, but the truth was, I was there to say goodbye to a man I had known for over 30 years. A man I called my friend.

    His passing came within days of my scheduled hysterectomy. My two oldest waited for hours for me to come out of the surgery. My oldest was preparing to take guardianship of the two younger ones should anything happened to me during the surgery. I had told my doctors what happened so they knew the importance of returning me to my children. The doctors released me in time to attend his memorial service, although I had to be driven around by my daughter that weekend due to the surgery. She was strong and brave for me, taking care of my needs and making sure I didn’t overdo it. I think it helped take her mind of wanting to curl up in a little ball and never come out. They listened to his family tell story after story about their father and the kind of man he was. Fortunately, they knew what kind of man he was. They had been able to spend every other weekend with him, dinners every week, and alternating weeks during the summer with him. He only lived 15 minutes away from us, and had retired years ago, so was able to be there to pick them up from school when they got out early, or when they called him to go home sick. Our oldest moved out after he graduated and moved in with his dad. I was angry with him at the time for doing this, but now I’m glad for the time he had with his dad.

    I’m not able to talk about how I feel about his death with my husband. He doesn’t understand, and doesn’t want to hear about it. He feels like I divorced him so I should be over him. It’s not that simple with a man that has been in my life for over 30 years. I met him when I was only 13 years old. We got married a little over 5 years later. I talk to our kids about it, but I try not to as I know they are still grieving their loss, too. His wife is having a difficult time without him, as they were married for a little over 4 years. This month would have been their 5th anniversary. She said he was her hero, and she called him her Superman. I laughed when I heard that because that is what I called him, too. He was always there to rescue me. Even though we could not live together as husband and wife, we called each other friend, and I knew he still loved me. Even if that love had turned more to that of friendship and not the erotic/romantic kind of love we once had. I still miss him every day and wish I hadn’t fought with him so much over the custody of the kids. What would it have hurt if I let him spend more time with them?! It all seems so silly now. (He was taking me back to court – we were scheduled to appear in front of the judge in December.) Everyday the kids do something amazing or funny or wonderful, and I want to pick up the phone and call him to tell him what happened. Everyday I’m reminded of the fact that he is not here. My husband is jealous of the feelings I have for my ex, but does not want to listen to me and help me through my grief. He does not want to hear that I would give anything to have the father of my children back. I cannot tell him how it breaks my heart to hear my youngest cry out that he is sorry that when his dad asked him to go to the store with him he told his dad that he was too busy because he was playing a “stupid video game” and how he wished he had spent more time with him. I cannot tell him that my daughter is going to be facing her senior year of high school without her daddy, and asked her ex-boyfriend’s dad to stand in for her dad on senior night at school in the fall. The best I can do is to silently thank God for my children and for the time we had with him whenever I am reminded of their father, and pray that the pain lessens with each passing day without him. ~Michelle

  • My ex just died few days ago and I find my self very difficult to deal with my fiancée now. We had a daughter that’s turning twenty one two months from now and his birthday is only a week away from the day he passed. I know its been twenty years we divorced but I really missed him, I feel like it’s my fault that he died, cause if I never left him he would still be around. I would wait till everyone leaves the house than I would start crying and asking him to forgive me… please I wish god would take this punishment from me. I fell in love with him all over again not sure why, I really missed him so much.

  • I am in a very similar situation.. mentally and emotionally. My ex died a few days ago, I divorced him 20 years ago. I have so many regrets and I’m having a most difficult time.

  • My ex and I were divorced 25 years before he died, after 17 years of marriage, but remained friends as we had 2 children from the marriage.. We both remarried and in 2012 he went on Hospice for lung cancer with brain metastasis. We both were able to tell each other that we loved each other and I helped in his care .Our daughter and I were with him when he died at his home. I became numb with grief. People at work did not understand why I took the one day off allowed as a bereavement day. I was full of regret that I ever instigated the divorce in the first place. I knew he never wanted the divorce and it was in the past several years that I realized that I no doubt made a mistake, but it was way too late. Now, three years later, I am daily filled with remorse for the years we could have had together. I find myself screaming in the car for him as if he could still hear me, begging for forgiveness [even though he had already told me he forgave me]. I miss him so very much. My present husband doesn’t get it and I cannot figure out how to deal with these emotions. Our adult daughter just reminds me that “you divorced him now live with it”. I am confused about these intense emotions. Is it grief, regret or what? Sometimes I feel that God is punishing me for my decision to divorce when I really did love him. I feel I deserve to be in all this unrelenting pain.

  • My ex husband was killed in a car accident on New Year’s Day. He was making an illegal pass and hit a car head on. We’ve been divorced for more then ten years. Although I have remarried he was always a part of me and continues to be even though his passed. I feel sad that he is no longer here. We didn’t communicate after the divorce, but he’s always been in my head. The only thing that brings me some comfort is to think he will always be in my heart and feel grateful that I kept a few mementos from our former marriage.

  • My ex husband passed away very recently,I have one son with him and another son whose older from a previous relationship. I have been remarried for quite some time now but I find myself crying about his death often,especially when I’m alone. Because he passed away so recently and only 55 years of age because of a bad heart. I feel Like it’s also my lose even though we have been apart for quite some time. I want to be able to get past this grieving stage but don’t know how,any suggestions will be helpful. Thank you.


  • My ex-husband past suddenly this past weekend. We remained friends over the years and when I heard the news, although I am in a relationship, I was / am devastated. I spoke with his family via phone and assumed I would attend the funeral to not only pay my respects but to be supportive anyway I could. They have done the same for me when I suffered loss throughout the years. However, the family decided to have a Private Interment. I want to be respectful to the family, but in the meantime my heart feels like it’s going to explode right out of my chest.

  • Your facebook profile doesnt give one the option to add you as a friend. Did you know that? So I messaged you. It might be In Your “other” folder

  • It is Kim Pate Ryan. My email is brokerkimryan@gmail.com. look forward hearing from you!

  • Kim there are several with your name on Facebook which one are you?

  • Hi Tammy. I am so sorry. I lost mine in a similar situation end of November. Email me or friend me on FB and will talk.

  • I am sorry for your loss. I lost mine in November. I miss him horribly. And it was dysfunction ast its finest.Friend me on Facebook and we can chat or email me.

  • Right on!

  • I am grieving my ex and Am in a relationship. Don’t be hard on her. Love her. Hold her. Let her know she can trust you with her feelings. He was her family at one time…No matter how it ended, how awful she said he was, or how over it she is..understand that there are memories there..did they have children? He is no threat to you and it had absolutely nothing to do with her feelings foie you. You are a great guy.. not many men would seek help understanding their wives anguish over an ex. I know it is confusing. Be the bigger person. Just love her through it. Good luck

  • I am feeling like I am going to break. People think it is strange to grieve for an ex. I feel like I am grieving the loss of the marriage and the fact that my kids didn’t have a normal life. He was addicted to drugs for years. Have even.led my son down the path of dru so I was angry about that. He recently was going to be homeless so we tried to get him into the Ru housing program that my son went through. He wouldn’t go. We all agreed he needed to reach his bottom and were willing to help him in any way as long as he got help but that he was on his own if he didn’t. Well then my daughter was moving into her new house and received a phone call that he had been found dead and was dead for two or three days in a motel room. I have done what I could so far to protect the kids and help make arrangements. He had to be cremated because he had been dead so long and we couldn’t afford it. Most of his family is dead and was very disfunctional. Then I found out his last day he told a guy that divorcing me was the biggest mistake of his life and that he still cared for me. Both.my kids Re hiding their grief and so am I. I don’t want to grieve in front of my husband because he personalizes it. People at work don’t understand. I am going to counsel.with a pastor next week. I think he overdosed. There were several texts with drug deals on his phone. This has not been shared with my kids but the.police know. Still waiting for cause of death. The big thing is feeling guilty and sad for what should’ve been. Drugs robbed us of a normal life. So sad. I feel broken inside.

  • Leah I posted last fall and went into my disfunctional life and how I think it led to my husbands death. It was pending for months and nothing was ever added after my comment and then it was reset with an option to flag a comment. I hope me telling my story with no filter didnt cause her to reset the comments. Not everyones life with their ex is all lollipops and rainbows. I was hoping for a reply maybe to my comment. I wish there was a chatroom for people like us who have lost an ex and have guilt and need to talk it out and maybe .. hopefully rid themselves of some of it by venting about it no matter how unpleasant your story is… I hope she changes her mind about my comment and reposts it and all the ones before me.

  • I commented last fall and it was never posted or responded to In fact nothing was ever written after my pending post.. I guess because I went into detail about my disfunctional life and how it led to my ex husband’s death. In fact these comments were reset and an option to flag and report were added. This makes me sad because I was hoping for a response possibly. I wish there were more forums like this where we who have lost an ex and have guilt can talk no matter how bad or disfuntional the topic of your life with them might have been. Not everyones loss is all lollipops and butterflys and talking about it sometimes helps some of us expel the guilt.

  • My ex wife died from drowning. My children were there, My son was trying to save her. I was/am devastated. It’s been 8 months since it happened, and I am still struggling. we were divorced only a year prior to her passing. The wounds from the divorce were still healing. Her family is carrying on the tradition of hatred towards me. They have manipulated my daughter into siding against me. They attempted to take my son from (they lost). I have such a hard time understanding the motives behind their actions. Is this how they grieve? By taking it out on me? I have reached out to them several times only to have the door slammed. I don’t want my son to even see them, but I know that isn’t right. I question my decision of divorce in the 1st place even though I know that it was the right one. I am with someone again and love her very much, but I fear that my grieving and all of these unique circumstances will tear me up.

  • my ex husband died almost 3 yrs ago- of alcoholism and obesity. Our daughter- now 26 hasn’t talked to me or my entire family for 6 years. She hates me for some unknown reason and has taken it out on everyone- her brothers, grandparents etc… when I found out her dad died almost 3 years ago- I shook in grief. I am truly sadden for him- for our daughter and his entire family. I watch my 600 lb life frequently and think of him. I am sad and heart broken he died at 41 years of age. that he didn’t get a chance to be a better parent to our daughter- to do things better and right. it has encouraged me to be healthier, and to pray to do Gods will. And I am not sure if my daughter knows this- her dad and I may have not got along but I am genuinely hurting for everyone

  • Love her. Be there for her. Hug her lots. And pass her the tissues when she needs them. It will pass and then she wil love you more for your understanding.

  • My ex husband and daddy to 3 of my children unexpectedly passed away last Sun, Feb 22, 2015 from an unknown cause. We were married for nearly 10 years and were high school sweethearts. We had gotten divorced in 2008. We remained friends. Of course we argued but we got past it quickly. He remarried in July 2010 and I remarried Sept 2010. I drove my children down last Tuesday for the viewing at the funeral home, his wife is having him cremated. I wanted our children to spend time with family. The whole time I felt like an outcast. Like I wasn’t allowed to cry, grieve and be mad as hell at his sudden, unexplained passing that technically left me as a single mother and my children without a father. My former mother in law, let it be known I was the cause of this it was my fault. She thinks I kept our children away from him for years, which I never did….he was one of my best friends. Tomorrow will be a week since he passed and all I have done is cry. I have no one to cry on, to understand how I feel, all while I’m trying to stay strong for our children and help them cope. He was regularly in their lives honoring every other weekend visits, half holidays and then some. Our mutual friends have reached out to me but everyone lives 3 hours from me including my exhusbands family. Then the other night I had talked to a few of our friends and they tell me he was still in love with me, that he would have done anything to get me back. My ex husband expressed this to our 12 year old son, 3 weeks ago at their last visit. I’m trying So hard to get through this but I feel so lost.

  • Joanne, this thread used to have so many more comments and replies, I am wondering what happened to them. When I came here looking for support, the posting by others having gone through the situation helped greatly. Is there any way to activate the past posts so that others may gain the support I felt?

  • My husband and I were separated for several months prior to him being murdered about 6 months ago. I have never felt such hurt. I was grieving the loss of our marriage as he left me while expecting our second child. At first I was so angry and thought I was not supposed to grieve, then a friend told me it was ok. I suddenly found my self deeply hurt and unable to cope on his birthday, just barely able to hold it together for my children. I am a nurse and recognize that I am dealing with the stages of grief which are so individualized. This site really helped just by allowing me to read and post. No matter how we ended I still loved him very much and I miss him and I realize now that it is ok. I pray that God will comfort those who post here as he has been comforting me.

  • I discover my ex wife had passed away this past late November. I found out through a mutual friend who thought I should know. I discovered she passed away 3 days after she died. She was diagnosed with intestinal cancer and passed away a month after. I find myself feeling sad and sorry for her. I find myself wondering to myself, how is it that she is gone and I’m still here. Not that im not greatful for still being here mind you. We both remarried and I moved across the country with my new wife. I feel sorry for her husband and her parents for their loss. I only have wish to remember the good times we had together and remember her that way. After our divorce, I was very upset with her. I cooled down after and only wished her the best in life and all the happiness in the world. I just would like some closure if I could on this. I don’t know where she is burried or if she is even burried. When we were married, she wanted to be cremated. I guess what I’m asking for is a little advice, any would be appreciated. Thank you.

  • I lost my ex husband 6 months ago suddenly … despite everything we were able to become the best of friends ..we have two children who never had to worry about us all being together ( I remarried) we went out for family meals often.. he came for a cuppa and a chat frequently
    I miss him and our friendship and I grieve in silence . it hurts so much

  • My ex-husband passed away last Friday. I can’t believe how upset I was, we were married for 15 years but have been divorced for 20 years. I didn’t have a lot of contact with him as our children are grown up and married, the last time I saw him was May 2014. He had remarried so when he became ill I didn’t feel that I should interfere so didn’t have the chance to say goodbye. He had been ill for about a year but when he died it was so sudden. My adult children are not coping well, it is still early days and the funeral isn’t until next week. My oldest son is really struggling, in fact, he’s behaving the way that his father did when he lost his mum so many years ago. This is the son who I was least worried about! My younger son seems to be coping slightly better! I have told them that I am there for them but I don’t know how I’m supposed to be feeling.

  • I am the wife of a wonderful man and my ex-husband passed away yesterday. We were married for 18 years, share 3 children, and were divorced for almost 6 years. My biggest struggle is feeling like I am not allowed to hurt, grieve, or be affected at all. I have bottled up my emotions for the last two months while he has been sick. My husband is an amazing man and I know he would understand but I just cannot let myself show the emotion in front of him. My advice, let her know it is ok to grieve. Let her know that you understand she had a history with her ex and it is normal to feel the pain. My husband brought roses and a box of candy home to me today and told me he thought I needed a Valentine’s gift early. This reinforced to me the understanding he has of what I am feeling. Personally, I think it is harder to go through as the ex because of these feelings along with feelings of guilt because the marriage failed. In my situation, I cannot attend services because the relationship between myself and ex in laws is not a good one. This makes it even more difficult for me. Just be there for her, let her know it is ok for her to grieve and console her when she is ready to let her feelings out. Take care….

  • I would like to know this one too. I’m 60 and started dating a woman whose ex husband died 5 years ago. I don’t know how long between the divorce and the man’s death. She still brings up his name, which I’m OK with and she said she takes a mild anti-depressant once a week that is related to her dealing with the loss. I’m not judging her on that score.

    She has been so infatuated with our relationship for the last month, to where she would be sending messages to me between the time I left her place and getting home, saying how great we are together. On that we agreed.

    Three days after our last weekend, she texted (not impressed by this but it’s how she contacts even her kids) that we’re moving too fast and she’s not really ready for a relationship. I was as annoyed as I am now sad. She was the one setting the pace and making most of the gestures that say someone is really into you. I did not reply at all and no contact for 10 days now but I’d definitely like to recoup this relationship if and when she’s ready.

    I’m thinking she could be dwelling on the death of her ex because the anniversary of his death is within weeks of the split and I know I used to be helplessly detached and depressed every November because both my parents died in Novembers, 2 years apart. And I was estranged from my only sibling in a November.. The subconscious has a powerful grip on our emotions. This went on for about a decade until I put my finger on the connection. I’ve been able to deal with it and avoid going into those sad (depressing) thoughts.by consciously getting my mind into positive activities.
    Sorry this is so long. Any thoughts on the possibility she’s going through something like that?

  • I went through a very heart wrenching experience. I had left my husband 4 years ago but we were still legally married. When he suddenly got ill, I was with him at the hospital every day and it was horrible to see him suffer. On top of that, I was also dealing with the possibility of financial ruin if he were to go to a nursing home and began to wonder if I should initiate divorce proceedings to protect our finances. I felt incredibly guilty that I worried about such things while still trying to be compassionate about the pain my husband was going through.

    When he passed away, I felt a bit of relief knowing that if I had to divorce him it would cause so much emotional upset with him. Now, I am just very sad. We were married 28 years, and although I chose to leave these past 4 years, I will always be sorry for hurting him.

  • What should I do if my wife is grieving her ex husband?

  • Thanks Joann for sharing and reading others stories – a bond many share. – JoAnne

  • Susan, thanks for your comment. It is amazing that their are so many people that share deep emotions following the death of their ex-spouse. I think it is so beneficial to talk about it. – JoAnne

  • thanks for sharing your story. As you can see from the other comments, there are many similar stories. It is always interesting to me how ex-families need to blame someone for the death and it tends to be the ex-spouse. Sounds like you found peace with him and that is all that matters. I pray your children will find their peace and choose to recall the fond memories of their father. – JoAnne

  • I am so sorry to have not replied sooner, I’ve had issues with the website. Regardless, please know you are not alone as you can see from the other comments. I suggest that you honor your feelings about your ex, after all you were married 25 years – how would you not have feelings? Grieving a loss should not be something we have to choose between that and a new relationship. Hopefully your current mate is kind and loving and would understand why you would grieve. – JoAnne

  • thank you for sharing your heartfelt journey and your road to happiness. Wishing you much more happiness in the years to come. – JoAnne

  • I believe it is not only acceptable but the right thing to do to express condolences and to let someone know you cared about this person, in this case Jay. Regardless of the fact you moved on, you still cared about him. So be honest with yourself and then with them because it is in this act that healing will begin. – JoAnne

  • Yes a part of you is forever changed and the sad part is that people often think because a couple split up that there should be no feelings which is ridiculous of course because once you did love one another. – JoAnne

  • Jackie, (Dec 15 comment)
    I am so sorry to have not replied sooner, my comment replies are not posting for some technical reason.
    Regardless, please know you are not alone as you can see from the other comments. I suggest that you honor your feelings about your ex, after all you were married 25 years – how would you not have feelings? Grieving a loss should not be something we have to choose between that and a new relationship. Hopefully your current mate is kind and loving and would understand why you would grieve. – JoAnne

  • Jackie
    I am so sorry to have not replied sooner, your post was lost. Regardless, please know you are not alone as you can see from the other comments. I suggest that you honor your feelings about your ex, after all you were married 25 years – how would you not have feelings? Grieving a loss should not be something we have to choose between that and a new relationship. Hopefully your current mate is kind and loving and would understand why you would grieve. – JoAnne

  • Tamara
    Hope you are doing better, our thoughts and prayers and with you and everyone else here too – JoAnne

  • It has been reassuring to read all your posts, and know that it is normal to go through all this grief and pain, following the death of an ex spouse/partner. My ex-husband passed away in October 2013, after a long battle with cancer. We were together for over 30 years, and have a grown up son together. My ex left me for another woman about 6 years ago, although we never divorced. My ex and I kept in touch from time to time in the period after he left, and even met up for dinner a couple of times with our son, so that we could all be together as a family (my suggestion rather than his). My feelings of sadness, helplessness, and grief started when my ex was ill with cancer and I could not be the person to be with him, look after and care for him etc. Ever since my ex died, I have been grieving, upset, and in tears on a regular basis. I have an enormous sense of regret that we can never see or talk to each again, and it seems overwhelmingly more final than when he left me – which of course it is. The families on both my, and my ex’s sides have been really kind and considerate towards my son in his loss and grieving, for which I am really appreciative. However like others have commented, I feel incredibly left out in that nobody in my family (apart from my son), or within my friends, seems to understand or recognise that I am hurting so much too. I definitely feel that part of me has gone forever. It has been over a year since my ex died, and the pain is just as bad as when it happened, and possibly even worse. I guess it takes a lot of time to start healing something like this.

  • I am strangely relieved to find this website and read through some of the stories that others have shared. I, too, have recently experienced the loss of a lover from my past. …This is my story.
    Jay and I were together for 4 years. From the time we were 18 to the time we were 22. But during the last year we were together he began to change. It was a very slow and subtle process. He was no longer the man I had fallen in love with in 2008, but we had become engaged, and I refused to accept that we couldn’t mend our problems.
    I only know now that I had been watching him as slowly became more poisoned by the people around him, and after too long he took the ring off of my finger. Many tears later I found a man that truly put me back together. Jay became regretful of taking the ring off my finger, but in the end I could not allow him to put it back on. As I went forward with my new found life…I left Jay behind.
    I went on to read about illegal activities he later took part in. Completely out of character from the man I once knew… Then…one day…after he had gone missing for several days…I read in the newspaper that they had found him…but no longer alive. I don’t know how he died…but everything pointed in the direction of drugs.
    That has been also 3 months ago now…and I still find my thoughts wonder back to Jay from day to day. But I do not feel right expressing any grief for him in front of my husband, even though he would understand. I do not want to ask him to. The truth is…the Jay I knew was gone a very long time ago. I had already begun the mourning process… but now… it is so final. He lives now only in my memory. The glimmer of hope I kept for him, to change, find someone else, and live happily ever after… is gone. How do I appropriately give my condolences to his family when I haven’t spoken to them in years? Should I even try?… Please… If anyone has any advice…I am listening.

  • I just stumbled across this site and feel compelled to share my story. I married my first love at 19 and was married for ten years. Those ten years were up and down, but the last one (I thought at the time) was awful. We both had our share of issues and were at different times unfaithful in our marriage. We are Christians and believe that remarriage after divorce is only permitted when a spouse dies or adultery was commited. Well, I was the one to walk away and into another relationship that didn’t last, but I had no desire to reconcile with my ex. He remarried 3 yrs after our divorce and died a little over a yr after that. That was in oct 2012. He had long time health issues, but his passing was still a shock. We had 3 children together and I felt and still feel this huge hole in my heart, even though nothing in me wanted to stay married to him. I carry enormous guilt for breaking up our family and seem to have forgotten all his faults, but i can’t tell anyone this because I wanted the divorce. What right do I have to mourn so deeply? Until I read the posts, I had never heard anyone else express similar feelings. Thank you

  • My ex-fiance passed away on December 26, 2012, 6 months after I broke up with him because of his drinking. He had lost his job, he was just diagnosed with gout and he was in a bad spell of drinking. I couldn’t take it anymore – I was dying inside from watching him self-medicate. He was my soulmate and we were together for 10 years, but it was not easy. Then my father passed in April of 2013 and one of my cousins took his own life in November of 2013.

    My ex and I had moved 2 years earlier from my hometown to another town 10 miles away to get away from many toxic people that we thought were our friends. So, when I broke up with him, I moved to a single bedroom in the new town and didn’t really know anyone.

    These past two and half years have been completely full of soul searching for me. There were times that I thought I was going to lose my mind. Being alone in an apartment, not knowing many people and family not close has forced me to be my own positive force. It’s not been easy but I think I’ve gotten past the hard part.

    Some of his family never got in touch with me after he passed. I think some of them feel that I should have stuck it out but they don’t know the 4 times he took back the engagement ring – or – the night I had to sleep in the closet because he was so drunk he wasn’t even speaking english- or -the nights of him getting so drunk and conjuring up reasons to fight. He was never physically abusive to me, but the alchoholism was mentally abusive for me. The other side of this was that he had the biggest heart a man could have when he was sober.

    These deaths were so traumatic for me I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. I finally found a great therapist.

    I just turned 50 last month, I have a beautiful, hilarious little 4 year old grandson and beautiful daughter. I’m still single and where I thought being single for 6 months would break me I’m now feeling good about myself and my life. Working on what makes me happy now.

  • I posted a few weeks ago. You seem to have dismissed my distress for some reason. As the ex wife I still hurt. I can’t understand why you are so selective in your response. You have deleted my post completely. Is it because I am overseas?

  • @all My ex-husband died Nov 17, 2014. We were married 30 years, and it took 3 ugly years to finalize the divorce. We were divorced one year to the day that he passed. He went suddenly while he was alone, from heart complications after taking himself off of high blood pressure medication and self medicating with marijuana. He was living a full life, working and playing music and had friends but he had no intimate partner in recent months. I had not seen him for a few months, even though we lived in the same small town. He had been diagnosed bipolar years ago and had gone off those meds during the separation. His troubles with finances had started long before we split up, and I had left him for someone else and only found out about the wrecked finances after I left. He was horrible to me during the past 4 years, encouraging our three adult children to disrespect me, and I was not invited to our son’s wedding last fall. He lied about me to his family and people in town and did everything in his power to make me small and needy. I suffered a brain tumor two years ago and he never said a kind word to me after the surgery that removed the large but benign tumor. I have feared his anger, his emotional and psychological abuse and financial infidelity, but once everything was final a year ago, it became a little easier. My relationship with my two younger children had just begun to improve, although my older son never will talk to me. My life has been getting back on track and I am still with my new partner, who supported me emotionally through it all. My daughter told me that my ex was happier recently too and I had hope that we could put the past aside and we could be on better terms. I always told him I loved him and cared but that always seemed to bring on a fresh onslaught of anger so I always kept things just business. I am the kind who can forgive anything and I always felt for him even at his worst because I knew he was troubled. My daughter called to break the news to me that he had passed, only a month since our youngest had moved away from his home and the family business. I was hit so hard by this, and instantly forgave all the wrongs he had done. I went to help the children clean his apartment and my sons were ok with me being there and seemed to appreciate the help. My daughter wrote the obituary and mentioned me as the mother of his children and wife of 30 years. She wanted me to attend his memorial and said I had more right than anyone to be there. So, I left work early to attend and brought a board I made up of the few photos I had of him playing with the kids, and yes I was in a few of those, but tried to keep them insignificant. As soon as I walked in, I was hauled out by his two sisters who insisted that I leave, that this was about their brother and not about me and that only my daughter of the dozens of attendees wanted me there. My daughter finally insisted that I stay, but it was so difficult and a few people snubbed me, but far more were kind and loving. I was able to comfort my daughter and other old friends who came. Someone covered the photo board with a drape. My sons turned against me all over again, I believe because of those who were acting out toward me that day and I was accused of trying to steal things from the family business and berated again by his siblings. It felt like all of his anger was back alive again and I also realized that some in attendance had been fueling his anger toward me all along. Why?! Thanksgiving our children spent together and I was not invited. My daughter is upset with her brothers but they need her right now, so I am left out and alone. I also feel guilt now over leaving him, even though I know it would have been impossible under the circumstances. I feel terrible that my hope of someday getting a smile from the father of my children will never happen. I mourn the fact I could not say goodbye, tell him I forgive everything, ask forgiveness myself. I feel for him that he took that anger to his grave, and hope he went without pain or regret. I mourn the fact that we will never have a chance at friendship again, that we won’t ever share notes about grandchildren. I grieve for our kids, who adored their fun father, quirks and all. I am angry with him that my relationship with them is so damaged that I cannot help my sons grieve. It is such a terrible roller coaster of emotions, and I do not want to tell my supportive partner of my sadness and sense of loss. I dreamed one night that he was in my bed strangling me, his eyes and skin were so cold. Then a few days later I woke to a feeling that he was kneeling beside my bed, contrite and sorrowful. He looked transparent, like he was made of glass. There are people who blame me for how it all happened, and I try to remember that there was nothing I could do to change things, I had tried often. He also left more financial troubles for our kids to sort out, and my daughter is too in shock, exhausted and angry to grieve. It is all so awful and I am trying to work two careers to keep my rent paid. Sorry for going on so long. It has been a long for years but i never saw it ending like this. I feel for all of you and I am also grateful for this forum. I hope for healing for my family and for all of you.

  • I was so comforted to see this blog. I also found out recently that my ex-husband had passed away several months ago. We were together nearly 8 years and the marriage ended when a woman he had been seeing (I, of course, did not know) became pregnant and he decided to begin a family with her. I felt so many emotions at that time, anger, sadness, and loss. The life that I knew changed in an instant and once the divorce was final, we never saw each other again. Because he was in a business that gave him a presence on the internet, I was able to check in once in a while to see what he was up to. I did move on, married a man that I love, and I have wonderful stepchildren. But, my ex-husband’s passing, left me with emotions that I thought I had put away, like many of you. At first, I only thought of the good memories, but then I could not help but feel the anger all over again. And the feeling that I didn’t mean anything during that time. He had moved several hours away, but, a local event really got to me. It was as if I never existed. So, thank you JoAnne for your insightful responses to those who have written in. It really does help to know that my feelings are shared by countless others and that they are normal. I do know that these feelings will pass as they did once before, but, without anyone to share them with, it’s more difficult. Thank you again. And thank all of you who have shared your stories.

  • In 99 i met my ex husband and married ahortly after in 2000. Couple yrs into it he showed his true side n took me until 2013 to finally get out of a many years loveless marriage. I have the best man in my life right now but since my ex matt passed june 12 of this year ive been so confused w how i am grieving his loss.so many unexplainable feelings thats seems like shouldnt be there but are. And today is one of the worst cux would be anniversary of him proposing. But tho its comfusing….i see thru others that feeling deep grief of an ex is very normal. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

  • Wake service is tonight. Funeral is tomorrow. We were together for 17 diffucult years, and apart for 20. We have 3 children who were pre-teens and teens when I told him he had to leave. He was an angry and bitter man all his life, with a soft giving side. I know he loved me the best he could with what he had. He never accepted the divorce and became a victum. The children said he talked about me “alot” up to about one year ago when his life took a turn for the better, and I am sure most of it not in a nice way. I have very little feelings for the man because of his abusive nature towards me in the marriage and after. I have remarried a wonderful man who has been very supportive and we are very happy. My regret is that I never told my ex that I was sorry for how things played out in our marriage, and for the events of the past 20 years. I did tell him I was sorry in the hospital room just after he passed, but that has not taken the regrets away. I tell myself that he was always so angry, he would not have accepted my appology anyway. I pray for peace for the children and I as time goes on.

  • My ex and I were together 20 years with 2 wonderful teenage daughters. Finally the demon in drinking got the better of him and we divorced 3 years ago. August he had a massive heart attack and passed 2 days later. Our oldest, age 19 stressed and went into early labor. 5 days after taking my girls to see their Dad in the hospital to say goodbye, I was driving to the hospital to watch our first grandchild come into the world. My ex had married a lady, a year ago and she will not allow the girls any access to their Dad’s belongings. She had him cremated and no funeral. These are items from our home that they grew up around…even will not give them his wedding ring from our marriage. I am grieving our past, our home I moved from a year ago and feel completely overwhelmed. Mind you, I have a wonderful man in my life for the past year and happy with him. So why do I feel like I am in such a tailspin and feel like breaking down crying? our divorce was very painful, he lied about me, didn’t pay child support. The girls and I barely survived-so many stories there…but I made it. Now though, I feel like I am going crazy!

  • My ex husband passed away last week after a short battle with lung cancer. We had been married for 11 years and divorced for about twenty. We had 3 beautiful children together and he adopted my oldest daughter. There were issues from the start, but there was also love and many good memories. Then something went terribly wrong. I was under so much stress and had what can only be called a mental breakdown.I allowed some terrible things to happen that had I been in my right mind, I never would have done. We had talked about getting back together, but there were so many outside influences from his family that were against it and I couldn’t live like that. We ended up in a very nasty divorce with many badly hurt feelings that affected our children. Fast forword to now…I was not even allowed to go see him before he passed,and now today, not welcome at his visitation or his funeral tomorrow. So I set here alone in my grief and tears, unable to be there to comfort our children. I am remarried to a wonderful,understanding man who is standing with me thru this, and my kids and grandkids adore him. I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling such grief for what was and for what might have been. It just doesn’t seem real that he’s gone now. I’m so glad I found this site and know now that I’m not alone. It just hurts so very,very much. My oldest daughter said, “Well, there’s no one who can stop you from going out to the cemetery and taking flowers.” I guess that’s all I can do. Thank you for listening. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you,♡

  • I was married to my ex spouse for 13 years and dated him for 2 years prior to marriage so we were together for a total of 15 years. He committed suicide in September. We had together 2 daughters who are 10 and 12 years old. We divorced because he drank a lot and spent most of his time at the local pub and would come home and be emotionally abusive to me. I also feel he may have been unfaithful but I have no proof. We did however have a lot of good times and after everything were friends. I would not have wanted him back because I wasn’t in love with him anymore but I did love him and cared about him. I am remarried to a great man who normally is great to talk to and compassionate about everything but when my ex died and I was upset it angered him because he doesn’t have those feelings for his ex and he questioned mine. I just had so many mixed emotions of dealing with seeing my kids so upset to questioning if I could have done or said something that could have kept him from doing such a horrible thing to the guilt of how I left our marriage to begin with even though I wasn’t happy. I miss being able to tell him about what the girls are doing and how good their report cards are to having him correct our oldest when she gives me a hard time. I feel my girls were ripped off of time with him and I am so hurt and mad at him and can’t express it to him. Now however I have had to not share feelings around my current husband because it’s like he’s jealous and I don’t understand why.

  • I am so struggling with the death of my ex husband 2 weeks ago. He left me 8 years ago because as he said I was boring and he didn’t love me any more after marriage of 25 years and 11 months and about 2 years before (28 years) and 3 children. He had a brain tumour. Family have said they think when he left after becoming so odd it was the start of his illness. At 53 I was devastated. No mortgage, two children with a degree one about to take his GCSE’s. We had the world at our feet. I couldn’t understand it. At 53 after wandering from room to room, not eating, losing an enormous amount of weight I knew he was never coming back to me. I moved on and met my present husband on a dating site on the internet, but I am now finding I am struggling with my ex death after he hurt me so much. I have been visiting him in a home and was the last one to see him a couple of hours before he died. I am devastated. I do not want to ruin my present relationship. He is my rock, my best friend but I am feeling so disloyal to him. I will get over it. Hopefully soon. Don’t think it is going to be easy he is the father of my 3 children.

  • Hello, I’ve read all of your posts and I’m sorry for your lost. I’m posting because I’ve been dating a young lady for two years now. She lives in Philly and I live in DC. I drive up every weekend to spend time with her and sometimes during the week. While we’ve talked about marriage, both of us have careers and neither of us have committed to moving just yet although she wants to move out of Philly. When we met she was going through a divorce which was final in January. Her ex-husband committed suicide in May. Since his passing, there have been weekends when she asked me not to come up because she was grieving and/or stressed from work. While I can be understanding of the grieving, when I hear that she’s going out with girlfriends, family members etc. I don’t know how to accept this. It seems as if the only person she’s isolating herself from is me in these times. Considering our plans to marry, I would think that she would want to talk to me. But she tells me that I don’t understand because I’ve never been through it. My thought is neither have her family and girlfriends. Sometimes I don’t know if she’s grieving, sometimes I’ don’t know if she stressed from work and sometimes i don’t know if its both. She says that I should just understand without the need to now what it is. She says that I’m making this about me but when I feel like the only person being isolated from her, I do feel like it’s effect our relationship. We don’t see each other that much already due to the distance. So to have the time that we do spend together reduced even more, at this point I don’t know how to move forward with her. Can you all give me some advice.


  • I was 20 years younger than my husband, but, we were together 15 years, and he was the most amazing person I have ever met. When he died, our son was 11. My husband and I lived apart for his last 2 years. He had a new partner and I was in love with someone else. My grief in his death more than 10 years ago is only surpassed by my grief for my son’s bottomless sadness. Also, I know that I was not good to him in the last years we were together and cannot forgive myself.

  • Thanking you for this forum. My ex died 6 days ago. We were together for 20 yrs and have 3 grown children.

    I took my children and went to a shelter in 1998. He was bipolar with drug and alcohol addictions. He was violent throughout the 20 yrs. We lost a home 6 yrs prior to me leaving. We were stalked for 18 months
    after leaving him until he finally left and moved far away.

    Our children say they only have bad memories of him. There were some good, but few and far in between. They never spoke to him since even though I have said that he did love them, but his illness and addictions got in the way.

    I remarried 7 yrs ago to a wonderful man, but I would periodically call my ex to give updated news on his sons. He appreciated this and we actually had good and honest conversations, of which I am glad I did. Apparently he was back in AA and had 2 yrs sobriety and he was taking his bipolar meds. He died of a massive heart attack.

    I feel distraught. I talk to him. I alternate feeling incredible sadness to anger. Anger because he caused so much destruction to my sons’ lives. I also seem to have more anger at myself for not leaving him sooner to protect my children.

    My excuse in the past was that I had no one to help me, which was true. The repeated violence destroyed my self esteem. Also I had no real income at the time other than daycare in my home. He wasn’t working and this was a regular pattern. He would get a job and than get fired or he would quit. Even though this seemingly sounds like somewhat valid reasons for staying… It was not! I only left when the head psychiatrist at the hospital when he was admitted in 1998 told me to leave the home with the boys as he had serious problems and he could see little hope for him. He also said that I was the first spouse he had said this too.

    My sons have paid the price emotionally and mentally. Surprisingly they are good, kind and caring men with a wonderful work ethic. I am very proud of them all. They are all out of sorts and not able to talk right now. Although the youngest at 29 has expressed only anger regarding his father. Why am I upset given all I have said? My husband thinks that I am mad at him because I have been short with him and I am isolating myself from him. I don’t think he would understand why I am upset as he knows the whole story..plus I think he would be jealous.

    Any comments or suggestions would help me right now. Thank you everyone for sharing.

  • My divorce was not amicable. After a year of separation and confusion I decided the best thing was to file for divorce. My ex left when I was sick, I don’t think he was happy. Our divorce finalized Jan. 2014 my exhusband lost his life July 8, 2014. In a car accident, it was all over the news, he was only 29. The last time was saw each other was the day we finalized the divorce. I am not close with his family so I truely have grieved alone. I thought my ex-husband just needed to grow up and experience more life. He felt that there was a lot he missed out on by getting married so young. It’s tough, and the mornings are the hardest. I cry a lot. People think when you divorce someone that the love you feel for them just goes away. That is farthest from the truth. I will miss him for the rest of my life.

  • I was married to a man for 20 years we were young when we got married. We went thru hell together. We went from being poor and having to sell our cd’s for food to him becoming an award winning painter and grossing a million dollars a year then back to us being poor again because be became an alcoholic. Until reading this I never realized how many young people die of cirrhosis of the liver.He was 42. During our marriage I cheated from time to time it made him become very possessive. I was insecure looking for attention in all the wrong places. When I met him he had a gf pregnant and would go back n forth between us until we got married. I think I unconsciously paid him back for that thru the years.He weirdly would encourage me to have threesomes with his close friends. I had mixed feelings about it. Part of me was excited and part of me wondered how if he loved me, how could he let another man touch me? I think this fueled my infidelity. I would tell him when i cheated and this soon backfired and left me a virtual prisoner because hed worry i was out cheating if i left the house. Dont get me wrong. Him and i both had messed up childhoods and tolerated alot that mentally healthy people most likely wouldnt. I tried to leave him several times thru the years but always stayed because in my heart i knew he loved me like no other. He really was a gentle yet misguided person as I also was. He wanted to be a rockstar. we built a studio in our outbuilding once he did good with his business and I spent many a night for almost 15 years in bars and venues with him playing.I went thru a time where id drug test him when home tests finally were available in stores when my kids came to me and told me they found white powder on the sink. I thought I knew everything about him so I was shocked to hear that from my kids. He once bragged that when he did coke he could drink like a fish. I think his alcohol tolerance was built during those few years of coke abuse. His drug and alcohol abuse along with my infidelity got the best of him and he started to go downhill losing his business to losing our house to losing his motorcycle and then our three cars. His drinking got worse and he a once gentle man became bitter and verbally abusive and eventually id become violent to get him to shut up and leave me alone. Every single night for a few years I could not escape his anger. Hed break doors down to get to me to taunt me more. I struggled my whole life with suicidal thoughts and when I took enough sleeping pills to sleep 3 days I knew after 20 years it was time to leave. No amount of begging and contracts about his drinking less was going to make him change. So a week after my 3day sleep I piled everything I could fit in my car and left. He always said he loved me and I was what made him drink because I was a cheater. I thought if I left I would relieve him of my presence and he could heal and he would stop drinking and he would get better and we would one day reunite and become friends again. Instead he only got worse. He had a couple gfs after me. They couldnt tolerate his drinking either. All.. every single one of his friends eventually stopped talking to him because he would call them drunk crying about all he had lost. He finally ended up with a much older woman in the end that just wanted him to be happy and let him be himself. My kids told me she was helping him stop drinking but she wasnt. She let him be himself and let him drink not realizing he was killing himself until it was to late. She loved him and didnt wanna change him she accepted him for who he was drunk or not. He drank a gallon of whiskey a day for over a year before he passed. I left in October 2010 he wouldnt give me a divorce until February 2012. By that time I had met a wonderful man and soon remarried. My ex died September 2 2014. Almost 4 years after I left and 2 years after our divorce. He wrote me a letter a few months before he died telling me he met a woman who was taking care of him and would prolly die from alcohol. She gave me the letter when I came to see him 3 days before he died. She is the most unselfish person I’ve ever met to allow me to come into her home and say goodbye to him up until I saw him I did not realize how bad he was. I had shut him out almost as soon as I left and stopped talking to him because he was still bitter. He was yellow with jaundice and to weak to speak he could only open his eyes. I spent 8 hours saying goodbye. Laying on the bed with him telling him I never stopped loving him. Her and I rubbed his legs and cleaned his nails and she left me alone with him several times I stroked his hair and kissed his forehead. I didnt wanna leave him. He winked at me when I finally said goodbye. I think he knew I needed to know that he heard me. In the 4 years since I packed my stuff in the car and drove away from 20 crazy yet loving yet disfunctional years we had not spoken one civil sentence to eachother. He was bitter and felt til the end that he loved me and I had left him when he needed me most. I have such guilt over his death. Over every wrong thing I did in our marriage. I know feeling this way is wrong but how could I not feel this way knowing who I once was. My new husband has been very understanding. I am loyal to him and I feel guilty that I can give my new husband the love and loyalty that I could never give my ex. My ex was a very loving man. Why couldnt I be a better me. His family that hated me when we were married has weirdly been very nice. Realizing a lil to late that he really did love me. I have his car now. I cant ride in it and not feel emotional. He bought it when I left him in 2004 for 2 mos. Knowing it was the car I wanted thinking id come back. A GTO that we had the digital reading programmed to say sourgirl when u turn the car on. Irony. He was an amazing musician and poet. Weirdly he signed all his stuff as deadpoet. Ill leave you with his favorite poem he wrote.


    RIP BUNNY BUTT. 1972-2014

    I wonder if hes still washing dishes with DrPepper in heaven.

  • Until finding this site, I thought I was crazy for having such grief over my ex-husband’s death. I would have never expected to feel this way. It’s like I have lost a piece of myself. Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories and advice. I don’t feel nearly as alone or inappropriate for feeling the way I do.

  • He was only 42

  • i can resonate with many of these stories and its good to know i’m not alone my grief as i’ve been beating myself up over the intensity of it. My story is similar to Pam’s… i chose to leave my alcoholic husband 3 years ago, after 17 years and 4 children, as i didn’t want them to have to live that life anymore, and i felt i could no longer take the manipulating/lies/put downs (all standard character traits for alcoholics unfortunately)We never divorced but it was the hardest choice i ever had to make and boy didn’t i pay for following it through… but he couldn’t/wouldn’t put his family first and it took me a couple of years to stop letting how he treated me affect my mood. Needless to say neither of us entered new relationships. His drinking, stalking and paranoia got worse during this time, he went to hospital at least a hundred times and had a few months in rehab at the start of the year. this was a positive time and i spoke to him daily, my old husband was emerging, with it for me, a new fear of being sucked back in and nothing changing. He drank immediately on his return home, i tried to take a step back, i was now aware of being codependent and my role in enabling… but couldn’t help leaving food parcels when he said he had none. i took kids to see him too, but wanted him to be sober to look after them himself. He died in June in a fire at his home, my last text from him was hurtful and he felt i was unfair getting another family member to have kids on fathers day as he wasn’t sober. My gut feeling is he started the fire. I am consumed with guilt… i thought i was putting my children first and it backfired, my choices have left them with no dad, and he died alone thinking i hated him, my decision made things no better 🙁 i’m lucky in that i have been included by his family at funeral, but my own daughter has said i shouldn’t be upset as i wanted to divorce him and dismisses that my feelings count too. It has taken death (and many sleepless nights researching) to realise it was the progressive disease that is alcoholism i hated, not the man i married 🙁

  • Judy, my ex spouse passed away 4 months ago and I still have days that I grieve as if it happened yesterday. I do not think the grief will ever go away, only lessen over time, maybe a long time. I loved this man for many years, and he was a huge part of my life, and because of that life we lived together, it will always feel as if a piece of me is gone, no matter that we were divorced. I understand your grief, and it is not abnormal. Until you walk a mile in someone’s shoes, you cannot fully understand their situation, so don’t give too much credence to other’s short sighted opinions on this subject, they have not walked this path. Cherish his memory, and strive to get your joy back.

  • Hey, Friends, it’s really sad and touching what we go though this days in our relationship. I have been in relationships affected by pains and depression for years, both sides (I was depressed, but thanks to God, am now a happy woman today with the help of someone). It’s sad to say, but I have lots of experiences on this subject. If you’re interested, I’d share them with you, so that you can forever be happy in your relationship and be happy with the person you love. You can write to my email address: keishapeeter@gmail.com , hope you’re holding up!


  • Hi Judy,(Sep 13 post)

    I am sorry to feel your sadness and grief. Why would you feel guilty? You could not have prevented the tumor nor could you have saved him. I understand the heartbreak of loss because this was someone you once loved. Why not write him a letter and pour out your heart and then burn it sending it up to heaven. Forgiving yourself for any guilt will let you live life, hanging onto the guilt keeps you imprisoned in your own mind. Survivors guilt is common and yet I bet if you asked yourself honestly what he would want for you, I bet he would want you to be happy and live a fulfilled life.

  • I commented earlier about my ex dying 2/2/2014. Now over 7 months have passed but my heart keeps breaking over and over. I was irritating the people around me, so now I just cry when I’m alone. Isn’t this supposed to get better? I’m as raw as I ever was. I’ve been told by family to “just get over it.” but I can’t. I wonder, do people really stop grieving or do they just start lying?

  • hi i have just found out today that my ex husband has died of a brain tumor we were only married for 2 years and i left him in 2012 because of his unreasonable behaviour but what if it was the tumor and I left him not knowing? I feel totally lost and heartbroken and guilty I am struggling to find any info on what’s happening because I’m now an outcast but I’m really struggling with his passing.

  • Dear Julia,

    Please do not feel guilty for grieving the death of someone you loved – that doesn’t make sense nor does grieving in silence. People come and go from our lives but we always remember those we loved even if we have moved on. I encourage you to acknowledge your grief, perhaps write him a letter sharing your feelings and then burn it as a symbol of letting go. I pray you can find some joyful memories. – JoAnne

  • My ex and I were married for 10 years, high school sweethearts. We’ve been divorced for 15 years. We did not have children. We did not keep mutual friends.
    He passed on 2 days ago from cancer at age 46. I didn’t know he had cancer. He would periodically contact me through email to chat and even the last time he did, he did not mention it to me.
    I ask myself why? Why didn’t he let me know?
    No one has actually contacted me about his death. I found out through social media. If not for social media, I would not know.
    I am remarried and have a wonderful family and am grateful for the life I have. I can not let my current husband know my pain.
    I feel guilty for the grief.
    I grieve in silence.
    I hide my pain.

  • Tanya
    I’m so glad you found the site too! It might be helpful for you to find a bereavement group because being with like-minded people and in this case people who are actively grieving will give you much needed support. It doesn’t matter that the person you grieve is an Ex – you had a relationship that mattered at one time and it is natural to grieve those we have loved. -JoAnne

  • Nicki,
    thank you for sharing your story. You are an incredible woman for what you did to care for your Ex during his illness, that truly was such a selfless act of love and I’m sure it took courage and strength – something you kids will always be proud of. JoAnnw

  • Joanne,
    I am so sorry for your loss, suicide is even more difficult because it is so hard to understand and explain to children. I encourage the bereavement counseling for you and your children. There are some good resources on suicide as well, check the resources page on this website. You are not alone as you can see from all the comments on this post. – JoAnne

  • It is of some comfort to me reading this and knowing I am not alone. My ex partner killed himself 8 weeks ago. We have a 14 year old son together and he has two sons to his wife whom he was still married to. The grief I have felt since his death is nothing I could have ever prepared for. I feel I have lost a friend, my son has lost part of his future and yet as I am with somebody else now it is very difficult to explain to him how I feel at times. I think about my ex every day, from memories of us together, our last conversations in the days leading up to his death when he was so down and nothing I said seemed to help to imagining his last moments. It’s a very lonely place to be at times and I am awaiting bereavement counselling to hopefully make some sense of it all.

  • After 4 years of being separated from a man that controlled me in every way, even tried after we separated, my Ex was diagnosed with cancer. We have two young children together and I was always about what is best for them. Knowing the cancer he had was not survivable, for the last year of his life he spent with us and our kids. I did this for my kids not him. Yes I felt bad for him, would never want to be in his situation, but I felt we separated as friends and he made me his enemy for 4 years. Every surgery I was there. Took the kids to visit him everyday. I knew this was all they had. I cleaned his apartment, did laundry, grocery shopped, and even changed his dressings when needed. I wasn’t angry during any of this, I would look at my kids and know how this would affect them and how important this time was for them. The night before he passed, he told me he loved me and always has. I told him I love him too. He kissed me on the cheek and held my arm. I didn’t hate him, I hated the way he treated me, but without him I would not have two of the most amazing kids there are. That alone made all I did ok. I still don’t know how I feel. I am caring for my 6 and 8 year old who just lost their father 2 months ago and starting the next chapter in life for us. I am not respected by his family even all I did, that doesn’t matter. We as a family made his last year. Not without sacrifice, but newfound friendship and understanding. It also showed me that I will do anything for my kids and their happiness. Not that I didn’t know that but this proved it to me in a way I never would have guessed.

  • I cannot tell you how much I appreciate finding this page online. I cannot express to others what is going in inside me and having closet grief has not helped me at all. Is there a support group that is on this website that I may have not found. I’m shattered, broken, and really need support as the ex wife of my deceased ex husband.

  • Sorry if my English is not perfect (i am from the Netherlands)
    It was a relieve for me to read the stories above. I am also grieving about an ex-spouse. We separated in 1989, but not amicably; later on when i had my son in 1993 things became more normal. I saw him now and then, he remarried , lived abroad. When he was in town we would go out for dinner or a drink. In 1996 i spoke to him in july and he said ‘i will give you a call after your holiday and we will do something together with your son’. The phone call never came. As he was living here and there all the time i didn’t worry: maybe he had children, maybe living far away. There were no mobile phones and internet at the time so i left it like that. In 2002 I first started googling on his name. Nothing came up; at that time this was normal, not everybody could be found. In 2010 i made it my ‘mission’: trying to find out what happened to him. I traced is wife, which was apparently his ex-wife. She mailed me I moved on and i haven ‘t heard from him since 2000. Another dead end. 2 weeks ago i found his old friend on Linked-in and send him a message. In one sentence he told me that he died about 20 years ago.
    (The dates of both of them are probably a bit messed up)
    ………And now i grieve and feel so sad, and how can you grieve when somebody died already such a long time ago? I cannot share this with anybody, because for everybody it is just something you mention. For me it is so painful, but i just let my tears go. But the idea is so surreal, i don’t understand that nobody notified me, so many questions. RIP MU

  • @all – The death of Robin Williams, and the fact that he left behind an ex-spouse has struck a chord with me. He was married to his ex-spouse for many years, had children, battled health issues, loved deeply, yet the marriage could not survive the struggles. Much like many of us here. It is very likely that she is feeling like she has lost her husband, just as many of us here felt, and undoubtedly her grief is profound. In the days and weeks to come, she will not be the one planning the funeral, tending to his personal belongings, or managing his estate, nor will she be receiving the support of family and friends that encircle the widow. All these things will be done and received by his wife (of three years), and it will undoubtedly be gutwrenching. My thoughts go out to Marsha Garces Williams during these days of grief, knowing that she will forever feel the void of losing someone she loved deeply, yet not quite knowing how or what to do with the grief. RIP RW.

  • My ex died a month ago. I am stunned that I have been so sad though we were friends and successfully raised a beautiful daughter together . He referred to me as his best friend and I was the one notified and who went to the ER when he was taken. I was at his side during his short illness and death. I remarried several months ago which makes my grief seem all the more unexpected and perhaps unacceptable . We were married for 10 years and I divorced him in 2000. He was twice my age . I am trying to stop crying as I write this because my husband will be home soon.

  • Joanne, thank you for responding to many of us with positive thoughts on this difficult subject. I know time will surely clear an easier path through this, but in the present, it is affirming to read others thoughts and not feel so out of touch with what is normal.

  • My ex-boyfriend died a month ago. We were only together a year but had just split a few months before his passing. He was in his 30s so it was obviously sudden. I don’t feel like I have the right to grieve. My friends don’t seem to understand why I’m having such a hard time because he was my “ex”. I know I should have the right to grieve whomever I want but I’m starting to question if what I’m feeling is grief or depression because everyone seems to be making a big deal out of the fact that I’m grieving at all, let alone, still grieving. I know there were many more important people in his life: his family, his friends, his ex-wife – and in their presence, I feel like I’m being dramatic for being as upset as they are. Do I need to just get over it and realize that I wasn’t that important to him? Does it matter whether I was or not?

  • My ex was my first love. We’d been together for 6 years, and married for less than 2, when he came home from work one day and said he thought he might be happier with someone else. I never knew if there was already someone else at that time, or why he wanted it – I thought things were fine..

    We’d been divorced for 8 years, and he never contacted me once the whole time – the day we signed the divorce papers was the last time I saw him, and we didn’t say a word to each other – I was too hurt and I guess he didn’t know what to say. I moved away because I didn’t think I could stand to be so close to him, yet not able to be with him; and I knew I couldn’t deal with seeing him if he was with somebody else.

    Five months ago he died in an avalanche accident. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t talk about it to anyone or do anything, though I feel I MUST do something. I can’t believe all this time I thought ‘Someday maybe we could get together and talk things out and I could finally get some closure’ without realizing that someday never comes. It’s too late, too late, too late to do anything at all now.

    I’m not in contact with his family or friends and think maybe they might’ve been glad about his leaving me, we were so different…so I don’t think I can do that, though I dream of being able to sit in his family’s living room and hear about him and how his life was these 8 years I’ve missed, if he ever talked about why he left me… But I’m afraid they’re happier forgetting I even exist. Someone above wrote that they were able to get some closure after talking to their ex’s wife, so maybe someday I’ll work up the courage to try it. I feel that’s my only hope for letting him go. Sigh.

    I’m so sorry for your loss, everyone. You’re not alone.

  • There have been several recent postings to this topic, and we all seem to have at least one commonality, and that is we are all having difficulty figuring out how to deal with our grief for a former spouse. TO JOANNE: This started out with a short topic on grieving a former spouse. Who knew that there were so many of us out there that deal with this grief every day. Because it has garnered so many responses, I was hoping you might offer some additioal words of wisdom for those of us new to this form of grief. Thank you to those that have shared their stories, it is nice to know that we are not alone with this form of grief, and that it is not abnormal to grieve a former spouse.

  • Dear Lyndy,

    Somehow we are expected to stuff our emotions into a box, put the cover on and pack it away forever. Well life doesn’t work that way and I pray you have an understanding husband who will not try to fix it, but be there to provide you comfort. You can choose to remember why you loved this man once and carry that with you. We all have our journey in life and it takes many different directions – you chose differently than your ex and the emotions of sadness for him are normal because you once loved him. I wish you peaceful memories. – JoAnne

  • Dear Pam,
    First let me acknowledge that your feelings are quite normal. In our culture we have become such a throw away society, and what I mean by that is when we divorce our society expects we should never communicate with that person ever again and pretend they never existed and just move on. HA! that is so ridiculous. You never forget people you loved even if it only lasted for a time. Are your familiar with the quote “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you’ll know exactly what to do.” – So Pam, know that your relationship with your Ex was exactly as it was supposed to be. In time you will know the purpose and you will choose to move forward remembering the fond memories of the past. – JoAnne

  • Hi Amy,

    thank you for sharing your story. Being a caregiver to someone who has a terminal illness must be one of the most difficult AND the most loving acts a human being can experience. It is not necessary that anyone else understand why you did what your did or how you feel – so let that go.
    You must be at peace knowing you provided comfort to someone you loved –
    When we care for someone with a terminal illness as you did, you experienced anticipatory grief that lasted for months before he died and now you might feel as if you have no purpose, and you don’t know how to box up those feelings and move ahead.
    I have so much respect for you because you cared for and treated your Ex with dignity and compassion. Amy I think if a new man who comes into your life in the future will be lucky to have someone as caring and loving as you are. – JoAnne

  • Dear Yohena
    I encourage you to remember the good in your ex and let the rest of it go. Your daughter will probably ask you more questions about him as she gets older and there is no point in sharing negative memories. Sounds like you have been blessed with a new mate and if you find gratitude in your current life your focus will fade on the past that you cannot change. I wish you peaceful memories. – JoAnne

  • Hi Lee,
    First I want to acknowledge that what you are feeling is normal. If you are finding it difficult to deal with these feelings I would encourage you to talk it through with a therapist, grief counselor, or a coach. I know we need to talk about what we feel, like the experience of “getting something off your back” and that is helpful. Often it can be more helpful to speak to a professional rather than the kids or a friend because they often can’t help you see and maneuver those feelings. Remember, you can’t speak to your ex in person but you can in spirit I find the symbolism is the same if you believe you are heard. Write your ex a letter with everything you would have said to him in person and read it aloud in your own private ceremony and then burn the letter as a symbol of letting it go. Hanging onto the regret is useless and will keep you down. let us know how you are doing. – JoAnne

  • Thank you to everyone who shared their story here. I just found out today that my ex husband died four days ago, on the 4th of July. He was 42, and like several others he died because of alcoholism. His drinking was the reason I left him 12 years ago after six years of marriage. It started as a fairy tale, and it ended up really bad. He got a DUI a week after I moved out and I couldn’t imagine he could slip further down, but he did, ending up in jail for assault and living in a car. His family lives in Europe, he alienated his friends. The last time I spoke with him was three years ago and he was drunkenly texting me demanding to know why I wouldnt see him. I had met my now husband by then – we got married last summer. I told my ex to please get help and I wished happiness for him. I meant that. Beneath all of it he had a good heart.
    Today I got a Facebook message from a friend of his saying that he died and to call.
    Apparently he had been diagnosed with alcohol induced thrombocytopenia, and had been bruising easily and all sorts of things, six months ago. He had damaged his liver badly, even had a seizure…but he continued to drink everyday. His girlfriend of one year found him dead in the bathroom.
    I am sitting outside on my patio now, I haven’t called any friends. My wonderful husband is inside, and he listened to me vent my guilt earlier – all the horrible things I’ve said over the years about my ex, that my gut feeling was I somehow wished this. But I don’t think I can discuss it too much with my husband. I’m just stunned right now. My stomach is in knots but I haven’t cried. Yet. I just don’t know what to do with all of the emotions here, so I am grateful to read others stories to help process this. Thank you.

  • I found myself trying to figure out if my feelings are “normal” after a friend of mine made a comment this past weekend that has left me hurt. My husband of 17 years passed away 12/28/10. At the time of his passing, we had been separated for a little over 2 years but legally married. We spoke every day, but I could no longer live with an alcoholic and desperately wanted him to get help. I have always kept my grieving to myself for many reasons but mainly I feel that everyone feels that I should not be grieving as I made him leave out home, our children, and now that he is gone forever, I want him back. I never stopped loving him, I just could not expose our children any longer to his drinking. I live with regrets every day that I do not talk about because I want my children to only remember the good memories. I was there with him when he took his last breath, I planned and paid for his funeral, and not a day goes by that I wish I would have tried harder to help him and understand his illness. I feel like I’m going to explode because nobody understands how I can still be grieving.

  • My story is a little different than most of the replies. My ex husband and I met in the summer of 1993, he was 18 and I was 16 yrs old. We dated all through high school and college. We were married in 2000 and had one son. My husband and I had a troubled marriage, we were divorced within three years. We remained friends, although, it took a few years for him to forgive me for leaving him. He even moved in with my son and myself to help repay my student loans. We remained best friends and neither one of us dated but we still never officially got back together. We were both healthy, active, and happy people until one afternoon he had a pain in his lower back. It was September 2012 when he drove himself to emergency room for what he thought was a kidney stone. Three days later,after six mis-diagnosis, a colonoscopy, two ct scans, an mri, extensive blood work, and several meetings with different types of specialist, we were told he had three months to live due to a very aggressive neuroendocrine cancer which had spread to all of his organs. He had just turned 40 yrs old. Since the cancer was so rare and so aggressive there was no chemotherapy regime and it was too late for surgery. Three months was the maximum amount of time we were told he would survive. I took care of him the next 11 months, it was horrible watching my soul mate slowly die. He lived eight months longer than they thought. My 13 yr. old son and I are having a rough time because people don’t understand our pain. It has been almost a year and I miss him so much its unexplainable. I feel like my self identity is lost, maybe because I was his caregiver and nurse as well as his best friend. This made me so dependent on him as well as he was with me. I was shocked when he died, when you tell your loved one that everything is going to be okay for 11 months, you start believing it yourself. Thanks for allowing me to share my story.

  • Hi ladies , i am very sorry for ur lost 🙁

    yesterday I found out that my 9yr old biological father past away Tuesday. I feel soo bad, even though he wasn’t the greatest father on Earth. My daughter doesn’t even remember him, last time she saw him she was like 2. I feel horrible because a couple weeks ago my mom called and said that he contacted her because he wanted to talk to his daughter because he has been very ill lately, but he has been ill for years and I guess he got worse. Well I didn’t even believed it because he always lied so I didn’t even tried to call him so he could talk to her. Now I feel soo horrible and guilty… I already talk to my daughter and told her and I know she’s hurt and sad but I’m here for her. I can’t stop thinking abt him. All the good and bad memories of us together come to my mind and I just feel like crying. I’m married now with a wonderful man and has been a wonderful father to my daughter. This pain is horrible..

  • ‘@all’ It has been six weeks since my former husband’s sudden death from a heart attack. Some days are as hard as it was the first day, actually, most days are still hard. As I mentioned, I’ve remarried, to a wonderful, understanding man, and I know I risk damaging the relationship with my apparent inability to cope with the loss of my former husband, but I can’t seem to come to terms with the loss. I grieve the fact that the marriage failed, I grieve that we didn’t get to have that last conversation, the one where you get to say everything you ever wanted to say and put everything right, I grieve that we didn’t get to have the relationship I envisioned, I grieve that I wasn’t there to help keep him healthy. I grieve that I didn’t tell him I would always love him. I am struggling with all of the conflicting emotions. Anyone out there have enough time between the loss and the present that you’ve been able to make sense of it and leave the dark grief behind?

  • Becky

    I am so sorry for your loss and I am happy you found this post because it validates that you are not alone in your feelings. I am sorry your son was not acknowledged as he will have to deal with the loss of a parent and that can be difficult, I know this from when my daughters fathers died. Be sure to talk with your son about his Dad and help him remember good times, and remember you once loved this man too and thus we grieve because we loved. Thank you for sharing your story. – JoAnne

  • Hi Dave,

    thanks fore sharing your story and I am sorry for your loss and grief. As you can see from all the comments here you are not alone! It is important to remember that you loved this woman once and I think it is natural to have some feelings, well even a myriad of emotions running around in your head and heart. It is important for you to be there to support the kids feeling regardless of what you are going through, one does not get over the loss of a parent easily and children can be affected the rest of their lives – I know this from my own situation.
    Are you callous? No, you are trying to protect your own heart and emotions. Time does heal and you will find your way, just go with the feelings for now and acknowledge how you feel and again know this will soften in time. – JoAnne

  • My ex and I were married almost 10 years, we divorced last April and he died on xmas eve. We have a beautiful 9 year old son together and he brought a now 17 year old daughter to our marriage. Thank you for allowing us to share,it’s scary how many commonalities there are.

    My ex died in a head on car crash, he was intoxicated. This is why I divorced him, these were incredibly hard choices I had to make to try and protect our son and myself from his destructive life style. So I grieved the divorce and then within 6 months I am grieving his death.

    And like many of you my son and I were not acknowledge, allowed to participate in the process of his death, it was as if we did not exist, as if I had not been his wife for the last 9+ years. Totally devastating to cope with his death and the after math. I grieve every day for him. Tonight I searched the internet just to try and find some people who “understood”. Thank you for sharing and understanding. For a few minutes I don’t feel quite so alone.

  • My ex-wife passed unexpectedly at the age of 35 from a MRSA infection in her lungs. She was always exercising and in great shape so when this happened I could not believe it. I still can’t believe it. We were divorced about 3 years ago (She wanted it). Even though I have moved on and married a lovely woman, I am constantly having dreams about her.

    I often wake up and wonder where these dreams come from. I can’t explain it. I also don’t want to tell my wife because I don’t want her thinking I am hung up over my ex. So I really internalize it, but obviously this is not helping.

    I also often think about what could I have done to make her more happy. Could I have done something if I was with her to prevent what happened so that she would still be here for the kids.

    Then I start thinking about the kids and how they don’t get to see her and be with her. My heart breaks over it. It’s like a circle of mental torture at times.

    Am I callous to say I don’t want to think this way and that it is somewhat disruptive to my life? I don’t know the answers to that question, just hoping time will be the prescription to the healing.

  • ‘@all’ – My ex-husband passed away unexpectedly of a heart attack two and a half weeks ago, he was a vibrant 62. And he was alone. My grief has been profound and I am trying to figure out where to “put it” in my life. I am happily remarried to a wonderful man. I stayed in occasional touch with my ex, and would have stayed in closer touch, but was staying away to give him his space and freedom to move on. He never got over the fact that I left, and never moved on. He was emotional whenever we talked. It was difficult for me to see him that way, and now that he is gone, unexpectedly, I feel profound sadness, guilt and emptiness. He was a happy, good natured guy who loved his family, especially his young nieces and nephews. He lit up a room with his smile and laugh. We met in ’96 and were married nearly 15 years. Although I cared for him, I could not remain in the marriage due to infidelity and other issues that were insurmountable. His death, however, has left me grieving the relationship we had, and the relaionship I had hoped we could eventually have. And the statement: “It’s as if a huge door shut on all the things he contributed to the failure of the marriage, and all I see is how I caused it to fail” resonates because I am left feeling at fault for unreasonable reasons – I know this logically, but emotionally, I feel the pain of it. I try to take comfort in the fact that he knows he was loved, and that I cared for him. I agree with everyone regarding the inability to grieve openly because most people cannot understand. Writing it here has helped, even if only for a moment. Thank you for the forum in which to do so.

  • I was with someone for 5 years and we were married for 3 of them. He just passed away and I’m here reading that everyone here was surprised about their feelings. I am too. We have been divorced 6 years. We rarely spoke. I tried to reach out to him but he was always reserved, like he didn’t want to resolve things and be friendly. I’m not sure why. I’ll probably never know. I keep thinking I should have resolved things and done more. He died so young and with the way he died, I’m wondering if it had something to do with drinking and if it’s somehow my fault from leaving and breaking his heart. I asked permission to go to the funeral and it was given and his family was kind, as they always were, but it was still difficult. It was hard to be in a room, mourning someone who changed my life so completely, and yet be so insignificant to their recent life. I wish I hadn’t deleted our last conversation but I am glad that I had done my best to make amends and make my feelings known.

    I think for each person it is different circumstances, but it is very good to know that this deep grief and sadness I feel is not an uncommon feeling to have for an ex-spouse. I loved him dearly and just because we divorced it didn’t mean that changed. We didn’t work well together, but I loved him enough to marry him and that meant a lot to me and I haven’t remarried or wanted to.

    I hope whoever reads this thread finds comfort and I think you should try to live without regrets and to forgive the past.

  • It has helped to find this site – I thought I was alone in my grief. I imagined that if my ex died, I would feel relief. I don’t, I feel sorry and so very sad. He was 59 and died of cirrhosis of the liver – like the others, he was a drinker. The way I found out was our youngest son found it on the internet, he died April 7, we found out May 17, 2014, no one notified us. We were married for 18 years, years that were not the best. We have two children. He told me before he married his current wife (the year after our divorce) that he had learned from his mistakes. It hurt so much to think I was his mistake. My oldest son refuses to talk to me because I held on to so much bitterness from the marriage/divorce that I could not let that anger go – so not healthy. So I haven’t just lost the ex-husband, I also lost my oldest son. My ex married someone else and was with her for over 20 years. I keep thinking about her and wondering if she is okay but part of me keeps telling myself, she got the better man – the one that learned from his mistakes. They seemed so happy and I do feel sorry for her. I also feel sorry for him, he should not have died at this age. He should have lived for several more. I don’t want to turn him into a saint either, like people do when people die, there were several reasons we divorced. And I’m mad at him for letting himself get this sick. I almost feel like I need to hold on to the anger to get through this.

  • Finding this website was an amazing experience. Thanks to everyone for your contribution. I particularly related to Betty, who perfectly stated ” It’s as if a huge door shut on all the things he contributed to the failure of the marriage, and all I see is how I caused it to fail. This is causing a great deal of remorse.”

    After 21 years of marriage, I left him. We have a 21-year-old daughter, and at first during the divorce the relationship with her father was rough. He was always very selfish, a narcissist, and also a porn addict and a hoarder. A very difficult person to love. Yet I managed to hang in there as long as I did, though my addiction to alcohol became a big problem also. We were both sick, and there was no way to heal except to split up.

    He died a month ago at age 51 of a heart attack, in Arkansas – on the other side of the country from my daughter and I. His new wife of barely a year notified my daughter, who flew down the next day in time to see her father on life support. Their relationship had become much better – almost daily texting and visits on major holidays. I stayed away as to not interfere. He and I only communicated through email once in a great while, usually revolving around some financial issue.

    We have been divorced 4 years, and I’ve worked hard to forgive him, but now that he’s gone I’m finding that any anger that I was holding on to is pointless now, which confuses me and leaves me to wonder “what if I hadn’t left?” And of course that question will never be answered, which leaves a big gap in my emotions because I’m not sure how to feel about him now. It’s scary to think about the good times, because then I start to feel guilty, like maybe I made a mistake. Yet I know my life is better now, sober 3 years, much better off physically, emotionally, financially. I was glad he wasn’t in my life anymore, but I never wished him dead. So now I just focus on my daughter, and listen to her when she feels she needs to talk about him. We try to spend time remembering happy times, even if they were few and far between.

    I did have the opportunity to meet his current wife after his death, and I have to say that was a great feeling of closure for me. I was sure I had been erased from his personal history in his mind,his wife told me he talked about me a lot. That helped me to hear that. It also helped me to offer my condolences to her. But yes, it is sad, and confusing, and hard to share with others because no one gets it. So thanks for letting me share.

  • I’ve enjoyed seeing everyone else’s stories and knowing I’m not alone in the grief I’m feeling following my ex’s passing. Like a few above he passed from cirrhosis of the liver. He was only 31! I hadn’t spoken with him in several years. I kind of knew he liked to drink a lot maybe more than I realized. I found out from his sister 4-28 that he had passed a few hours earlier it came as a shock. We have a beautiful Daughter together. Though she doesn’t remember him. I was 16 when she was born he was 19. As could be expected it didn’t work out despite being in love. We moved from MN to TN with my parents and his family was all still in MN they were very close and he ended up moving back and I wasn’t able to due to not being 18. Eventually our relationship ended. He hardly made an effort to keep in touch I had to make extra effort. Then I met my husband whom I love dearly and due to lack of my ex’s effort to be a part of our daughters life we had a step parent adoption done. I’m still glad for my decision. Though right after I had moved in with my husband to be I did make a visit to MN in which my ex tried to convince me to stay and live with him that he still loved me and wanted I to work, at this point we had been separated 2 years. I did still love him but loved my at the time boyfriend as well and of course my parents were still in TN. Couldn’t stay in MN with my ex he broke my heart once I wasn’t willing to risk it again. After I got back he started to make more attempts to keep in touch and would talk about visiting but I was rather cold to him everytime until he again ceased making contact. At which point my hubby n I married and proceeded the adoption. He did make 1 attempt after the step parent adoption and I was rather rude in my response and told him to not make anymore attempts and it was his own fault he was in the situation he was. I guess I’m feeling guilty along with my sadness. I will always have feelings for him he was my first love and we had a child together. I’m having a hard time dealing with it and well I have a friend who’s been there basically since my ex n I started dating and we’ve talked I still am feeling the regret guilt and grief. Regret-I maybe didn’t give him a chance to see her again. Guilt-maybe had I he would’ve drank less. I’m not sure the step parent adoption wasn’t just as much for myself as for my daughters best interest. I’m not sure I could’ve handled having to deal with him the emotions between us were always there. Grief-my first love died and I didn’t get any closure no goodbye.

  • I am so comforted to find this site. I have been married and divorced twice, with one son from my first marriage and two daughters from my second. My son is almost 23, and two days ago he discovered that his father had died. His dad had battled alcoholism his entire life, which was the main reason that I divorced him. My son was asked by my ex-husband’s sister to check on him, as she lived out of state and they had gotten into the routine of talking each week and he wasn’t answering his phone. He found that his father had passed away probably five or six days previously and the cause of death was cited due to chronic alcoholism. My ex went on to remarry and have a daughter; that marriage also ended in divorce. I am all over the place emotionally. Yesterday I helped my son make arrangements to handle his dad’s remains. His daughter is only 14 and was not involved in the planning. I have spoken with her mom over the phone and I am just heartbroken over the whole thing. Yesterday I went with my son into his dad’s apartment to retrieve papers, etc. and apprise the situation. It was an awful, awful experience and I can’t get it out of my head.
    My ex and I were on good terms. I tried to help him get his life back on track. He spent 9 months in a shelter for homeless veterans and I helped him to get settled and try to resume as normal a life as he could. He was disabled and unable to work; he was in constant pain due to a knee injury and just could not function without alcohol. He had no drivers license (lost due to numerous DUI’s) and I picked him up and drove him to our son’s college graduation last year. I need to be there for our son, but I am coming to realize that I will be grieving too, and maybe that’s normal. Although we were only together for 4 years, and I went to remarry, I realized even before his death that I did still love him, I just couldn’t live with him. Knowing that there are other people who experience similar feelings is really very helpful.

  • My ex died April 8th, suddenly, from a heart attack. We had been married for almost 21 years, divorced for 16. He remarried 12 yrs ago and we never stayed in touch. My sister however loved him and kept in contact. About 2 yrs ago, I learned he had inoperable cancer, so I asked my sister to send him a letter that I wrote via email — in it I told him I forgave him (he had cheated on me for most of the marriage and our marriage counselor had told me he was a pathological liar, he drained the brake fluid from my car when I told him I was divorcing him – you get the picture). In my letter, I also let him know if he wanted any help or support that I would be there for him. He never responded or acknowledged my letter. I let things be. Over the ensuing months and years I would periodically Google his name to see if he had passed on. I never expected his family to contact me on the day of his death. I expressed my condolences, send cards to his siblings and nephew and sent a very large flower arrangement to the funeral home, but did not attend his services. I didn’t think it right that his grieving wife, who found him dead on the kitchen floor, needed to see me and be reminded that there had been someone else before her. I also wasn’t sure how I would be received by family and friends, but most of all, I suspected if I saw everyone and him in a casket, that my pain would all rush back and I’d start suffering all over again. What I was not prepared for was the grief — reliving the loss of the marriage, the pain of his betrayals and deceit — it’s all coming in like a tidal wave. I have a strong circle of friends to support me and everyone agreed with my decision not to go to his funeral — they said I would re-live the pain and it wasn’t in my best interest, so I am grateful for their support. But, his family was disappointed I didn’t go. I think it’s a 50/50 situation and ultimately I had to do what was best for me. But the grief is complex, double edged and I have to just be good to myself while I go through this. As for children, I lost our son at birth, and was very disappointed that his current wife never made any mention of that in his obituary, that he was pre-deceased by our son. Thank you for letting me vent.

  • Thankyou so much for this page JoAnne. It has been very helpful for me, all the stories on this page are so relevant. My former husband & father of our 2 children died unexpectedly just over a week ago. I have a new partner & we are happy. We had begun to see ourselves as part of a modern extended family living close by. As some ex wives above have said knowing their children’s father can be called on, even though you might not, is something great to loose. All of a sudden I felt well “you dont know what you’ve got till its gone!” For the past week I have tried to be quietly supportive to my children who have been looking after the present wife. I do though feel despairing because what we had together was not recognised at the funeral & more importantly the essence of the person that my ex was before & still would have been deep inside was missed because 15 years of his life was left out..not just his life with me but from the time he ran away to sea & then ended up in Australia when i met him. I wish some one had asked me to write something to be read out for the funeral. (I know I can share these memories with my children & I will..make a memory book for them.) I felt so terrible after the funeral that when the new wife asked me back to her house I said no & from then on I just felt so left out. Like the other commentaters I have been crying most of the days & wake up feeling terrible. I go to work but do not feel i can share my grief. I have though managed to contact through FB a lost friend. She & her husband & children used to spend a lot of time with my ex & me & my children..great picnics & kids birthdays. She is also so separated & in a new relationship. She said if anything happened to her ex husband she would be devastated..this helped me feel so much better. As Janell said I still love my ex husband & always will..we had some wonderful adventures & times.

  • I have been feeling mixed emotions over the sudden death of my ex-hubby and friend Junior. He was struck by a tree he was cutting. Initially I found out in an around about way (not his family) HURT. I still have not heard from his family but I heard from one of his “so called” girlfriends and each one always portrays themselves as the wife (in their dreams) HURTING MORE. And I still have not heard from his family (STILL HURTING). He planned to see me and the kids soon. Not going to happen. (DISAPPOINTED)… I walk around bursting into tears at a moments notice. (DEEPLY DEPRESSED) He told me a lot recently that he wanted for us and I was (doubtful yet hopeful). Now HELPLESS. I feel KRAZY…There’s a lot more to this story. (Nothing new.) WHY ME?

  • I met my first love at the age of 15 . We were inseparable. At 16 we discovered we were pregnant and stuck it out. Eventually over the years his lifestyle wasn’t what I wanted for our son to see. Regardless of everything he was an amazing guy, but made bad choices. We always kept in touch but I always kept our distance. Father’s Day of last year I received a phone call he was murdered in his apartment. My son seen it all over the tv and newspapers. Now that it’s been almost 10 months it can’t stop dreaming of him. I cry myself to sleep. I wish I could’ve told him I loved him. I wish things were different. What hurts the most is my son isn’t doing so good. We take it day by day but some days it seems I can’t hold it together. I have someone in my life and I can’t grieve infront of him or his family. He’s forbidden me to see my exes family. I’m only 26. I never knew this is what my life was gonna be.

  • My ex and I were married for 22 years, divorced for 12 years (I wanted it). We had no children and only one of his family members has kept in touch with me over the years. He suffered a massive stroke on Monday, March 24, 2014. He died 5 days later on the same day that my Dad died 5 years earlier. I never, in my wildest imagination, would have thought I’d be reacting the way I am. I am devastated. I am an emotional wreck. I’m usually a strong person, but this has bowled me over. It’s as if a huge door shut on all the things he contributed to the failure of the marriage, and all I see is how I caused it to fail. This is causing a great deal of remorse. Not being part of a family I was a part of for 22 years and not being able to share our grief together, is causing a great deal of anguish, as well. I’m lucky that I’m still friends with his sister and her family, but feel I had to stay away during the time he was on life support. (When I told her I was going to go see him, she said “Let me ask the family”. I did not want to add to their heartache by having to make that decision, so I opted out of going.) Now I am regretting, with all my heart, not saying goodbye to the man I loved for 22 years (and obviously still love). I’ve relived our 22 years in pictures, cried, and have virtually been immobilized by this. It’s as if I’ve resurrected the old relationship when it was good and am grieving that loss. And regretting not staying with him to keep him healthy. Countless times I have cried out loud “I’m sorry Kevin.” And I am. But it’s too late.

  • The weekend before Father’s Day, we met to buy our daughter clothes at the mall. The week after Father’s Day the phone rang at dawn. The call was from a hospital saying your ex husband has to have open heart surgery. Days later he passed. For 15 years we were married. We had, no, we have two beautiful children. Although we were divorced we still agreed and communicated. I knew his finances, I knew his future plans, I even knew his final wishes of how he wanted to be laid to rest, .and I knew his prayers to His Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ…but I nor our children were given the opportunity to give input to what he would hace wanted…we had no voice..because I was his ex. Because I was his “ex”..all final matters were left in the hands of those who knew him the least. I may have been his ex wife durng the last days of his iife…but I will forever be his friend, the mothe of his children, and his sister in Christ.

  • I was married for 17 years, then divorced for 13. Although we did not want to live together, my former husband and I carried a deep everlasting bond, even when he remarried and had a child. He came to my rescue. I came to his. That didn’t end when the marriage did. He died on February 2, 2104 of leukemia and my grief is overwhelming. I think the hardest part is that my feelings of grief and loss are met by puzzlement and even disapproval from people. If I were his widow, there would be an outpouring of help and sympathy, and I would be allowed and expected to show grief, but because I’m his ex, it seems like my depth of feeling is unseemly. I feel like I have to hide my grief, that it’s not real or not right. I think grief can be an isolating process anyway. It’s much more isolating when people shun your grief.

  • My ex wife passed passed away in August 2013. We have 1 child together, she is 9, and has dealt with the passing of her mother extremely well. It happened 2 days after my daughters birthday.My ex did have some health issues but the cause of her death was suicide. Of coarse i will not tell my daughter that. I talk about the good times her mom and I had before the divorce so she will remember her mom in a positive way. Her mom was remarried and my daughter lived with her the majority of the time. We had shared custody so I had her weekends, holidays etc. My ex wife and I always joked/thought that we would eventually get back together. When she passed I found out she spread lies about me i.e. not paying child support, putting her in debt, and other untrue things. It was a 50/50 chance on if we would argue or not when I went to get my daughter or drop her off. I found out after her passing that she had been going to counseling. I find myself going through feelings of anger, sadness, and questioning if I could of done anything to help her. Without a doubt I will always love her. Just can’t help wandering about the whys and what ifs.

  • My ex husband was killed in a car accident in Dec 2013, he was 32 years old. We met when I was 19 and imeediatly fell in love. We had a magnetic relationship.
    Many of our friends were crushed when we decided to get a divorce in 2009. I think that everyone just thought we were the picture perfect couple. Which we were. We were 2 peas in a pod and lived in the most beautiful place in saint augustine florida. He was someone that everyone just loved, very friendly loving person. Always went out of his way to do good for people.
    We just both felt like we needed to go our own ways in order to grow. He was a very simple man and was happy with where he was and It was me that felt like I wanted to be a success in some sort of way. Anyways it lead us to know that we cared so much about each other that we let each other go our own ways. Our friendship remained the same, sadly just not in our lives the way we used to be. I went through a lot of depression being with out him but Also reached many of my goals that I would not have if I lived the life I was living.
    So when his father called me dec 3 early in the morning to give me the news I just felt like I lost the most precious person in my whole world. He was my world for 8 years. It may not seem like a lot of years but I am only 31 years old.
    Its been life changing and I hope that I can get through this I went through more emotions than I ever thought I could.
    I had and have so much love for that man not only as a past live but as a person who I hold so dear to me heart. He was so inspirational, lived life the way he wanted and fit it well.
    I am so luck to of known him and to of had the relationship that we had, not very many people get to meet a kindred spirit like I did and I am so grateful for it.
    best person to grow up with and play, he was a big kid.
    and I will miss him the rest of my life.

  • I don’t know if I’m in the right place, but there seems to be no other forum for me to write to. My fiance’s ex-wife died two weeks ago. She was a severely dysfunctional alcoholic (died of liver failure at age 50), addicted to prescription medicines, and had mental illness issues. She was abusive to him over their 28 year marriage. They have two grown children (18 & 21) that had to pull her out of cars, drive her home when she was passed out, etc. They have been divorced for 4 years, and the marriage ended with a restraining order and her passed out in a field after several DUIs. It had become dangerous to have her around the children.
    My fiance is so struck by grief. I can understand part of it. Good or bad, she was a part of his life for almost 30 years and she gave birth to those wonderful children. He and I are now in couples counseling because our relationship has been so damaged by not only his intense and surprising grief over her death and then by my reaction to his reaction.
    I am scared. I love this man so much and his daughter calls me mom. I don’t understand how someone who was abused and hurt for so many years can have so much grief and loss over this woman. He says that she is the only person on the planet who can understand the children the way he does, and I do understand how that’s true for most people. But, we had to put his daughter in therapy and save her life from a domestic violence situation with a high school boy and her mom was no where to be found. The one day she spent with her, she passed out drunk at the mall and left his daughter stranded. She wasn’t the mother that they needed.
    I am not a callous person. I’m actually a school counselor and I cry at every wedding and graduation I attend!
    I want to help him, but I don’t know how to love a man who is grieving another woman. A woman who hurt him so greatly. I feel so lost and so very, very, very sad.
    Side note…she never remarried, and so he planned the entire funeral and even elected to put wedding photos in the slide show.
    Please help me. Do those feelings of grief ever go away? I’m so sorry if this isn’t the appropriate forum. I don’t know what to do. He is in counseling and we are in counseling together.
    Of course he should grieve her, but I think the depth of his pain has taken both of us aback and has damaged our relationship to the point where I don’t know if it can be repaired. I love him enough that I would walk away if that’s what he needs.

  • I was divorced from my ex husband for 28 years but we always stayed friends. The kids & I still went to his house for lunches, b-b-q’s, some Christmases & I took him to our other daughter who lived away. He ended up in hospital last May (2013) & I started visiting him because both our kids worked. I then ended up taking him to various hospital appointments and was with him when he was told he had terminal (asbestos related) illness. I carried on taking him to appointments, visiting him when he was hospitalized 4 or so times, then to radiotherapy, chemotherapy etc., did his shopping, cleaning & was there for him week in week out. He died January 9 (this year, 2014), so I had watched him die for 8 months & 2 days. My kids saw him when they could but I saw him more than anybody. We still have to wait until 14 Feb (2014) for his funeral as he had to go to the coroner first. My kids have been so busy arranging things that none of them have even bothered with me. I feel devastated over the loss as we were married for 11 years & still kept in contact. My one daughter even said to me (on the phone) that she didnt think I would be that affected as we were divorced! I have been hurt more and more. I found out from a friend when his funeral was, on facebook that he would be leaving from his house (which I shared when we were married), my cousin told me the notice was in the evening paper (so I missed that), and my one daughter told my sister that I would have to drive to the funeral because there was no room for me in the funeral car! (I thought only family would go in that, so there is only 4 other people that should be doing so, my kids and his 2 brothers). The kids think they are saving me from stress by sorting stuff out (and hence ignoring me), but it’s made me so upset, confused, devastated & leaving me with nobody (I have lived on my own for over 15 years). I have had to be put on a waiting list for bereavement counselling. My beloved Auntie died on 20 September (2013) & I’ve had no chance to grieve for her either, as I was being with my ex whilst he was dying. The Dr’s are no use and just want to put you on medications. Nobody to help. I already have a long term stress, anxiety & panic disorder (nearly 6 years), along with fibromyalgia & chronic back pain (40 years). I feel like I will never get over anything.

  • My ex-husband and I met while he was in the Navy and stationed in San Diego. I was living at my parent’s place, which was about 1-1/2 hours north from base. He would come up every weekend to see me… some weekends, I would go spend a day with him in San Diego. After about 6 months, he learned he would be leaving for Great Lakes to go to school for NDT certification and then he would be transferred to Washington State, Japan, or Norfolk. Either way, our choice became limited to either getting married or breaking up. He wasn’t prepared to let me go, so a couple months later, he asked me to marry him. After he got back from Great Lakes, we got married and had a wonderful celebration… Many people there remarked to my mother that it was the best wedding they’d been to in over 20 years. We ended up moving to Washington State and settled down. We were planning on moving across the water eventually to the Seattle area when the ship transferred ports to the other side of Puget Sound. During our time here, my happiness in the relationship deteriorated because I never felt he was open with me about his feelings. In a selfish way, I guess I just wanted more…. something. More openness? More attention? In any case, I wasn’t happy, and I ended up meeting somebody whom I thought “got it”, for lack of a better term. He and I clicked immediately and I fell pretty fast for this guy. I thought he could provide something I was lacking in my marriage… What, I’m not sure. I wish I understood it better. I ended up leaving my husband because I felt that our relationship wasn’t progressing and likely wasn’t going to. We got officially divorced in February of 2012. Since then, not a day has gone by that I didn’t think about him or wish I could talk to him… I had his number, but it always felt strange to call or try to make efforts to see him. I think, in a sense, I was always hesitant because I never truly stopped loving him. I love my boyfriend, I do, but our relationship has been supremely complicated by comparison… there were always days that I wish I hadn’t left my husband and wondered how different my life would be now. I just learned yesterday that he has died… Nobody had heard from him in a while and his Dad and step-mom got concerned, so they asked his work if he had been in. They said he hadn’t, which was strange because he had an extremely strong work ethic. They called the police to go check his apartment and they… found him there. I wish I knew more about the circumstances. I am extremely heartbroken. He was 28 years old and had just gotten out of the Navy. What could have happened?
    His stepmother contacted me yesterday to tell me that they still needed to do a positive ID on him, but once the VA gets through with that process, they are going to come up here (they live in the Las Vegas area). They want to have a get-together with his friends and co-workers up here that knew him and told me I was more than welcome to come. I hope I get the opportunity to learn more about what happened… Regardless, this has sent a shockwave through me and it feels like I’ll never truly recover. I know it’s still fresh, but I feel so devastated. I wish I had talked to him more. I had so many good times with him and he made me laugh all the time. I wish that he knew that I still loved him and I always will.

  • My ex-husband and I divorced in January 2013 after 17 years of marriage. He wanted the divorce and moved back to NJ leaving me to raise his 13 year old granddaughter by myself. He denied there was anyone else. He had a fatal heart attack on Friday September 13th (some irony there). That is when I found out he had hooked up with an old high school girlfriend and had been carrying on with her for a year when we were still married. It has been tough. Someone can create chaos in life and death. Found out the girlfriend divorced her husband of 50 years. Karma is a bitch. We are doing better but at 66 some days are tough. Thankfully I have great friends. Thanks for providing this forum.

  • I share so many of feelings that others have described in their comments. I was married to my high school sweetheart at 18. He was 19. We loved each other very much but neither of us was really prepared or mature enough for marriage. The marriage was very rocky and he asked for a divorce less than a year later. He tried to reconcile with me once but I had already made plans to move to Utah to be with someone I had met previously. I have always regretted not trying once more to make it work. I moved across the country and was remarried 8 months later. I was desperately trying to dull the pain of my divorce. Thankfully my marriage has lasted almost 30 years. That being said, it hasn’t always been easy. I have never gotten over my first husband.
    After years of secret heartache and dealing with depression, I finally contacted him about 3 1/2 years ago through Facebook. My intent was to try and make peace with everything. He has told me that he was happy with us but we just weren’t ready for marriage. We have continued to keep in touch occasionally and he told me a couple of months ago that he was diagnosed with stage 4 esophogeal cancer that had spread to his liver and brain. I was completely devastated. He passed away on Nov. 29th. I found out when his wife posted his passing on his Facebook page.
    My husband and I moved back here to Kentucky years ago and it is excruciating to not be able to mourn his death with his family and to feel so isolated. There is no one who shares the feelings for him that I do and I feel like I have to grieve alone. It has been 30 years since our divorce but I still feel that there was a deep connection between us. Maybe more for me but I know that he truly cared for me.
    I just pray that time will ease the pain and maybe someday I can get on with my life. I love my husband but I can’t let him know how deeply it`s affecting me. I feel as though I have spent most of my life full of regret and sorrow for what might have been. I want to make peace with everything somehow and give my husband all of the love that he deserves and that he has given me. I pray that maybe I will be able to in time.

  • Like Maggie, my ex died of cirrhosis of the liver. We were married 24 years and have been divorced now for just over two. He was diagnosed this past May and died in early October. Obviously the drinking had been going on for many years before. He’d shown signs of illness for a long time.

    I have been lucky since I have many friends who understand what I’ve been going through since the divorce. But his family blames me for not sticking with him and for not telling them about the problem. He blamed me for the drinking. I know these guilt trips are not about the truth but it still hurts to work through the grief knowing he never admitted the problem or its affect on me and our daughter. She is a super strong woman now and we are going to survive this.

  • My ex died in 1970 and for some reason I have started grieving again. I met him when I was 12 and ran away to marry him when I was 16. My parents got the marriage annuled and that was it. He left for Viet Nam and came back for the final ride. I am married now and love my husband but I can’t stop thinking of the man I lost. This has been going on for a year now. I hide my grief well but my insides are screaming with the pain of knowing I will never see him again.
    I have gone thru all the stages of grief multiple times. It is
    like a roller coaster and I cannot get off.
    I don’t know what to do.

  • I’ve been trying to find an active blog where I can share the feelings about the recent passing of my ex-husband. He died on Aug 30 from cirrhosis of the liver. It was a very painful divorce. I loved the guy and had hoped one day he would get better. We share a 26 year old daughter together. I’m now remarried and have 2 more daughters. I’m married to a wonderful guy and I feel like if I show my emotions, it will hurt his feelings. It’s been 3 weeks since my ex passed and I’m still grieving. I would have never imagined I would feel this way. We didn’t get to say goodbye — and he hadn’t seen our daughter in 6 years. We didn’t get the closure. I do have a good friend that I talk to, but a lot of the emotions I keep to myself.

  • My ex husband Lonnie and I were married for twelve and a half years. He died unexpectedly last Friday at the age of 41. We remained friends after the divorce. I am left grieving very deeply, even though we were divorced I still loved him in my own way. They had to litterly pick me up off of the floor when my father told me of his passing. I am not doing well his death has hit me very hard. People have been kind, but don’t think I should be grieving as hard as I am. I met Lonnie when I was just 16. We were friends up till I turned 24 and were married when I s 25. Divorced when I was 37. We had a long history knowing him for 23 years. How do I go on from here?

  • My ex-wife passed away the day after Christmas 2012. We were divorced 7 years prior. What seemed to be a wonderful 16 years of marriage ended suddenly when she left me for another man. We had so much in common and rarely disagreed about anything. It seemed like a storybook marriage not only to me but to our family and friends as well.
    I was in shock as were our 2 sons when she left. I was so hurt and bitter and tried very hard to hate her. Anger became my best friend because it kept away the sadness.
    The man was a wealthy real estate investor. When the market crashed 3 years later, he literally lost everything and had to move away to live with relatives. She was left penniless and moved away to live with her Mother leaving me and the boys 1000 miles away.
    Six months after she moved away she had emergency surgery and was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer. My sons and I rushed to the hospital to see her. I told her then that I forgave her. I always knew in my heart that I still loved her very much and that my love for her would never die despite the things she did.
    My sons and I were with her for Christmas and when she died on that cold northern Illinois morning. She had told me on the phone a few months prior to her death that she wanted to see me one more time. She said I was the only man she truly loved and her only regret in life was leaving me. She even stated that in the obituary that she wrote herself. See, she was a very kind and loving person and was often been referred to as a sweet angel by her friends and relatives.
    She was only 44 when she passed away.
    I am still grieving and face the mystery of what happened to our marriage everyday. She would never say why she left me only that she had a mid life crisis. I don’t know if there is a moral to this story and I wish I had some words of advice for others who are going through anything similar. All I can is that my life goes on although it will never be the same without her in the world. The loved ones that remain in my life are what keeps me going. I want to show them that I love and care for them everyday.

  • My ex-husband passed away in Nov 2012. I found out in Feb 2013. I cried when I found out and very surprised by my reaction.

    We had been divorced for 15yrs. I had remarried to a wonderful man and have a terrific family. I have a full and happy life so I couldn’t understand my deep sadness for his death.

    Our divorce was amicable and we were on good terms. In the years since our divorce, I have always said I love him I just couldn’t live with him as the reason for our parting.

    The day after I found out about his passing, I went to the cemetery with flowers intending to say goodbye to him. I found that wasn’t as easy as it sounded and I’ve been through a whirlwind of emotions since but I’ve never returned to the person I was before his passing and suspect I never will.

    He remarried twice after our divorce, neither which lasted. I believe I was his first and only true love and have come to see that a huge part of me still belongs to him and I have no way now of getting the closure I need since he’s not here.

    My heart aches everyday, some days are better than others but I am consumed by my grief. I am fortunate in that I’m very close with his family (namely his mother) since his passing so I have an outlet for my grief but so many days I’m just going through the motions and I feel the pain will break me.

    I have missed him so much since our divorce but knowing he was still here meant I could always reach out if I wanted. Now that he’s gone, missing him is different and permanent. I try to find comfort in the years we spent together and the happy memories he gave me but sometimes the sadness is overwhelming.

    Few people can grasp this level of emotion so I’m often putting on a happy face and hiding my sadness in the depths of my heart only for it to surface when I least expect it. His death has become part of my life and I can’t find a way to move forward as of yet. I would’ve thought at 6 months I would be “fine”.

    When explaining it to those closest to me I say divorce ended our marriage but not the love we had for each other and my mourning has shown me that the love I have for him still runs deep. I guess I truly meant what I said when I vowed to love him until I die, I’m certain that I will.

    I don’t want to slight my current husband and haven’t mentioned this but to my one very close friend but I want to be buried with him when I pass. I know my family and namely my children wouldn’t understand this. I don’t think I understand it fully but it’s what I want.

    I’m starting to think I’m going crazy from all of this and am having a harder time understanding it than I ever imagined. Maybe as time passes I’ll heal but I know my life will never be the same.

  • I was wondering if you culd reccomend a book rfo my sister? Her ex-husband was killed suddenly in a car accident. Although they were divorced they had two children together, the oldest is a 5 year old female and their son is 4 years old. He looks exactly like his father. She is really having a hard time. Thank you.

  • Susan,
    thanks for sharing how you are feeling. I encourage you to find at least one person with whom you can share your feelings and listen – a grief buddy. Ask a close friend or family member and explain that you need to talk about your feelings and that you don’t expect anyone to fix it (well because no one can) but when you are feeling so alone during this time it will help you to have support and to mourn your loss. Mourning is the outward expression we give to grief such as the funeral, crying and talking.

    I am happy to hear you have many nice memories of your marriage – that is a gift. But in time you will have to decide to be bitter or better, and the better part includes forgiveness.

    Sending you blessings Susan for peace. – JoAnne

  • Momo, I for one, get what you are going through and understand because I am there now. I was married 27 years then we went through a rough patch and separated with the intention of dating each other and eventually reconciling. Little did I know that he had someone waiting even before I moved out, so that never happened. It’s been 16 years and he’s passed away 5 days ago after a 2 year battle with cancer. We were cordial to each other through the years, however, I always had difficulty being around him and his wife because it hurt. I moved from MD to VA near my daughter’s family and that helped some, but I’m finding that all the feelings of loss and anger that I had after the divorce have returned now that he’s passed away. I wrote him a very nice note two weeks ago, affirming that he had been a wonderful father, and husband and that when I’m upset, I can hear his calming words. He replied, addressing everything in the email except the personal part. That was totally ignored. It so hurt me that even in dying, he could not acknowledge our 27 years together or say anything to give me some peace. I could understand if we had a tumultuous marriage, but for 25 of those years, we were very very happy.
    My grief is almost consuming but there are no sympathy cards for the exwife, no carried in meals, no flowers, no words of comfort. The years we had together will not be addressed at the memorial service…only the last 16 years spent with his new wife. I have been erased from the past as an insignificant part of his life. So not only am I completely alone in this (my two children are busy with the memorial plans and their step family) but the years that I spent, which were nearly half my life, seem meaningless to anyone. If only he could have said something nice to me or offered forgiveness, then I think I would feel a little more at peace. He was a Christian man, so he probably did forgive me, but I needed to hear those words just as my words to him expressed my forgiveness of him. My kids, who are grown, try to understand but don’t really. The memorial service will be in Maryland two days from now. I’ll be at work as usual. With no one to walk this with me or to say they understand.

  • My ex-husband passed away suddenly, last summer, at the age of 51. We were together for 20 years and had two children. I loved this man for a huge chunk of my life and we shared two beautiful children. We would be forever connected because through our children. His passing has been extremely difficult for me. I have been very alone with my grief. His passing has affected me in ways that no one knows or understands. I have really struggled since it happened. But I really feel that what makes it so damned hard is that I am very alone in this. Being the ex-wife in this particular situation is a tough place to be. Nobody gets it. I am remarried to the most amazing man whom I love very much. We have an extraordinary relationship and a wonderful life together. I truly believe my husband is my soulmate. He is the most understanding man and I am so blessed to have him in my life. But all those things unfortunately do not take my grief away. I have to somehow come to terms with this loss and learn to live with it, on my own.

  • My ex-husband, George, and I have been divorced sine July 2012 after 36 years of marriage; being separated for 4 of those years. He passed away suddenly on Feb 6,2013 from a heart attack in which he collapsed, went into cardiac arrest and never regained consciousness. Our grown son is devastated. He has started beating himself up for not calling George that day to thank him for the birthday card he had sent him, and for not calling him enough in general.
    I have very deep persoal; grief feelings, waking up in the morning and crying before I even get out of bed; bursting into tears during the day. There will be no funeral (George was cremated) but we are having a memorial service this coming Sunday (one was scheduled for today, but with the weather conditions on Long Island right now, my son made the decision to move it to next Sun) I will be traveling down to the Island with my sister (I live in Upstate Central NY now). I know I am rambling. I just have so many feelings right now…George and I had just grown apart and there were substance abuse/domestic violence issues on George’s part. Our divorce was amicable. I thought there was no love left, and now I can’t stop crying knowing he’s gone…it doesn’t feel real. I don’t know if I’m crying for him, or me, or for my son.

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