Heartache To Healing

Tag: grief

  • How Expressing My Grief Allowed Me to Move Past It

    By guest author, Ruth Mancini

    I’ve always missed not having a dad.

    My parents separated when I was young, and then when I was 15, my dad was hit by a car and died. There’s always been a gap in my life that could never be filled.

    In the early 1990s I split up from my long term partner and the pain of my father’s death and the loss of that relationship hit me hard all at the same time. A friend once told me, “When something bad happens it drags up everything bad that has ever happened to you” and I think that this is very true. And yet, I didn’t feel I had the right to grieve. I hadn’t had my father nearby for many years and so it wasn’t as though I missed his daily presence as most people do when they lose someone close. But it was painful in a different way. It wasn’t until my partner was gone too that I realized that he had in many ways been a substitute for my father – and a sticking plaster for the wound that I’d been ignoring all my life.

    It was a difficult time.

    I came to question everything in my life: my job, my friends, where I lived. It was as though I had spent my entire life trying to pretend my absent father didn’t matter to me and had carefully crafted an existence that would allow me to perpetuate this false belief. I had thrown myself into romantic relationships at an early age, and had even inadvertently picked out friends who had also suffered losses in their lives and were – like me – acting like it didn’t matter. I realized then that it did, very much – and that I needed to face up to the ghosts of my past before I could truly move on to the future that was right for me.

    I left my job in publishing. I left my home town and my friends, and I traveled a little – alone.

    I spent seven years being single. It was almost as though I needed to strip my life of all the props that had held me up and which had prevented me from seeing and knowing my own truths. During this time I wanted to read about someone who was going through something similar, but I couldn’t find anything and found myself writing down my thoughts and feelings instead. It was a sad time and a lonely one in many ways, but the process helped me and eventually, gathering all the notebooks that I’d scribbled in over the years, I moved to the Welsh seaside home of a family friend where I sat at my computer looking out at the sea in the distance and wrote the first draft of my novel Swimming Upstream.

    I had developed a strong interest at that time in how the past can affect us in a myriad of ways and had come to realize how important it is to allow ourselves to feel sadness and grief. I had always had a bit of a Pollyanna personality. It wasn’t that I saw being unhappy as a weakness; it was rather that I was scared that if I allowed myself to feel down I might never come back up again.

    But I did. It was quite the opposite, in fact. Allowing myself to express my grief and to feel the pain of my loss was what brought me to my true path in life – and the fulfillment I now get from working as both a writer and a lawyer. I feel I have the opportunity to bring comfort to others who are in pain, in a way that you can only truly do when you have experienced it yourself. I now have a husband and two children. Life is still not easy and we have our challenges both individually and as a family. But as the philosopher Nietzsche once said, “Happiness and unhappiness are sisters or even twins that either grow up together or… remain small together”.  In other words, the more we experience of one, the greater our capacity for the other. I truly believe this to be the case.

    Ruth ManciniRuth Mancini is a writer, a lawyer, and a mother of two. She is the author of women’s fiction novel Swimming Upstream, the story of one woman’s pursuit of happiness against the odds.

      How are you experiencing your grief?  Please share your comments with us below

  • A Nation Grieves For Those In Boston

    A Nation Grieves For Those In Boston

    prayers For BostonOnce again here in the US we are faced with grief from a horrible tragedy with the bombing at the Boston Marathon.  What we have viewed on TV is reminiscent of what we have viewed from war scenes.

    The grief over the sudden deaths and injuries will make people pause and wonder if they are safe?  Is their city safe and are their children safe.  We are all experiencing the shock, anger and sadness which are all typical reactions of grief.

    How do we talk to our children about what’s happened?

    We should talk to our kids honestly and only as candidly as you think they can handle.  Turn off the TV, kids don’t need to see the scenes played over and over again.  Reassure kids that they are safe with you and perhaps stay away from public activities that will have heightened security for awhile.

    Mourning As a Nation

    In tragedies such as this we mourn as a nation, we feel the pain and sorrow right along with the families that have lost their loved ones.  Grief is universal, grief is personal and grief has a name and a story.  So as the days go on we will learn more about the victims, their stories of how they happened to be on that street and and how their families lives are forever changed.  Next will come the funerals and we will collectively mourn, but we also collectively send our love and prayers and that is a powerful healer.

  • Grief From A Hurricane

    By now we have all seen the 24/7 coverage of the destruction on the east coast left by Hurricane Sandy on October 29th.  What I see are the many losses that the people will bear who have survived.

    from Reuters

    When we think of grief we immediately think of the loss of life and yet in addition to loss of life and the grief the families must bear is the huge grief survivors face.  Loss of their homes, all their personal possessions many of which are irreplaceable, their livelihood and their communities. Yes, their is much grief in these losses, we are humans and we cannot escape the pain.

    We will experience the same type of emotional pain as with the loss of life such as anger, denial, sadness and depression.

    How do people cope?  In many ways we cope exactly the same way we do after experiencing death. We talk about our loss, we get the support of family, friends and community.  We reach out, rather than keeping our emotions inside. Often times we see communities really come together and bond following a disaster, this is a way to cope and support each other while they grieve and rebuild their lives.

    How can you help?  We can all help by reaching out to those in need by listening and offering nurturing support especially to those we may know personally. We can also support through financial donations. often this is what is most needed to begin the rebuilding process.

    You can donate to your local Red Cross, or check out what Craig Newman, founder of Craig’s List is organizing. he will match the next $25,000 that comes in and he is spreading the word.  http://www.crowdrise.com/sandyrelief

    We’ve all been in pain from our losses, let’s lend a hand up to those on the East Coast and show our support as they grieve.

    with love, inspiration & hope

    JoAnne Funch

     

  • When An Ex-Spouse Dies

    Recently one of my dearest friends told me her ex-husband had died.   She expressed her deep grief and told me that other friends wondered why she was experiencing such grief when they were divorced?

    It’s complicated and referred to as disenfranchised grief.  Disenfranchised grief refers to losses that are not publicly acknowledged, socially supported, and openly mourned.

    Whatever you call this grief, I believe as human beings who feel emotionally, we just need to be recognized as people dealing with loss of any kind. 

    We grieve because we love, regardless of how the relationship ended.  Think about people you don’t know personally that died. You feel bad for the family, but because you don’t know the person who died it doesn’t affect you the same way.

    We love people throughout our life regardless of how a relationship ends. When we grieve the loss of a marriage from divorce, we also grieve the loss of the future and the loss of a life partner.   So when an ex-spouse dies it is normal to grieve the loss.  In either case, we grieve what might have been.

    Just as people feel grief differently, they also deal with it differently.  My friend felt as if she couldn’t mourn outwardly the sadness she felt, but I have encouraged her to share with me some good memories of the times they had together and to acknowledge that his life mattered and the time they were together mattered.

    Often I hear from those who say because they are the ‘Ex’ they shouldn’t be grieving which is the farthest thing from reality. My hope is you will ignore those people who suggest you shouldn’t have feelings and acknowledge the loss as this person was part of your life’s journey.

    When I talk with those grieving a death, it is of utmost importance to know their loved ones’ life mattered and one way we can be supportive is to talk about the person who died, share memories and be willing to speak their name.  If there are children involved, keeping positive memories alive often helps children to know that it’s okay to talk about their parent and share their feelings.  I don’t think divorce should define who we loved and who and how we grieve.

    If you have an ex-spouse that died, please share your experience in the comments section below, I’d love to hear learn more about what you are feeling. – JoAnne

    **With so many comments on this post, I felt it was important to provide those grieving the death of an ex-spouse a resource to help guide on how to cope with these emotions and deal with family members. **

    This guide offers support, and understanding, helps you speak to others, and a place to journal your thoughts and emotions.

    DOWNLOAD GUIDE

  • Compassion- an amazing trait you learn when you grieve

    “Compassion is an amazing trait you learn when you grieve” thoughts shared in this story of death, grief and the experience of a deep dark well.

    Living in the Bottom of a Well

    By Sheri Hall

    Sheri & baby Lily

    You look up you see a small circle of light-it is the way out. It is seemingly far away but closer than you think. It is very small; you do not want to look up. You look around at the stone walls that surround you, most would feel claustrophobic but not you. Here is where you can be you. Here is where you can feel sad, look sad, be sad without those around you being uncomfortable. The ones that see you down there might stop and yell. Are you ok? Or how are you? But they don’t want to hear the answer- so you tell them what they want to hear- I’m ok or I’m fine and they go on their way. Some bring you flowers and place them nicely in a circle around your well, this cheers them up, and this makes them feel like they are being sympathetic. Why flowers? Is it my birthday? Are we celebrating something? They look nice so now when you walk by my well, with me hiding in the bottom curled in a ball, not daring to look up. You do not feel so sad because you see all the beautiful flowers and think -Wow look at how many people care! That makes them feel better- those flowers do not cheer me up, I am not celebrating my childs death, when the flowers die I must throw them away, it is a task I cannot do nor want to do.

    I look around at my hole I have been thrown down; I do not want to climb out. Here I am comforted by my pain. Here I am not pretending. Here I am me.

    No one wants to go down a well; you may not be able to get out! But when you lose a child, when you hold them in your arms as they die, you fall down that well, at some point you wake up. You realize what has happened, it may be weeks, months or days, but it hits you like a brick, you are stuck at the bottom of this deep dark well. It echoes your cries, as well as your tears that fall to the cement floor like bombs. You re-live the most painful of memories down there. You want every one to stay out! This is not a problem since no one wants to join you down there; no one wants to see that pain. People tend to look at grief & tragedy as though-What if that happened to me?  They are not thinking of your pain. They want to cheer you up- they want to cook for you- which is very nice, but hard when you do not taste anything let alone want to eat. You shove the food in your freezer, you say thank you, and they feel better & go on their way. People say things like -I didn’t want to upset you, as though not mentioning it means you are not thinking about it. I have come to realize this society doesn’t cope well with death, everyone wants to acknowledge it once then for it to go away, some do not say anything at all to pretend like nothing happened, those are the selfish people. I have seen how I have become invisible to some or perhaps they don’t want to see me? Because they do not want to think about what happened to me. Some people think negativity breeds negativity- that could not be farther from the truth. Yes negative people are not fun to be around, but negative or more accurately -a tragedy is not caused by anything. It is life. Life is full of suffering, we all suffer at different times in life & how we deal with other people suffering really shows our true character. The best is to ask a person that is grieving about the person that died, because they do want to talk about them, they want you not to feel uncomfortable when they are being sad- because it is ok to be sad. Unfortunately we live in a world that prefers fake realities & big smiles over having to deal with or accept our feelings & hurts. So we simply do not talk about it. We cheer you up we bring you flowers.

    If we were able to grieve without being concerned of making others uncomfortable with our sadness, without being so concerned what we look like then maybe we would not feel like we were stuck in the bottom of a well. One day I will climb out to face the world. One day we all climb out. And one day when I walk past someone else stuck in a well I will join them, and help them cry because it is ok to be sad. All we can do is to learn how to be -How to be ourselves, how to be there for others.  Compassion is an amazing trait that you learn when you grieve.