Heartache To Healing

Tag: grieve

  • When An Ex-Spouse Dies

    Recently one of my dearest friends told me her ex-husband had died.   She expressed her deep grief and told me that other friends wondered why she was experiencing such grief when they were divorced?

    It’s complicated and referred to as disenfranchised grief.  Disenfranchised grief refers to losses that are not publicly acknowledged, socially supported, and openly mourned.

    Whatever you call this grief, I believe as human beings who feel emotionally, we just need to be recognized as people dealing with loss of any kind. 

    We grieve because we love, regardless of how the relationship ended.  Think about people you don’t know personally that died. You feel bad for the family, but because you don’t know the person who died it doesn’t affect you the same way.

    We love people throughout our life regardless of how a relationship ends. When we grieve the loss of a marriage from divorce, we also grieve the loss of the future and the loss of a life partner.   So when an ex-spouse dies it is normal to grieve the loss.  In either case, we grieve what might have been.

    Just as people feel grief differently, they also deal with it differently.  My friend felt as if she couldn’t mourn outwardly the sadness she felt, but I have encouraged her to share with me some good memories of the times they had together and to acknowledge that his life mattered and the time they were together mattered.

    Often I hear from those who say because they are the ‘Ex’ they shouldn’t be grieving which is the farthest thing from reality. My hope is you will ignore those people who suggest you shouldn’t have feelings and acknowledge the loss as this person was part of your life’s journey.

    When I talk with those grieving a death, it is of utmost importance to know their loved ones’ life mattered and one way we can be supportive is to talk about the person who died, share memories and be willing to speak their name.  If there are children involved, keeping positive memories alive often helps children to know that it’s okay to talk about their parent and share their feelings.  I don’t think divorce should define who we loved and who and how we grieve.

    If you have an ex-spouse that died, please share your experience in the comments section below, I’d love to hear learn more about what you are feeling. – JoAnne

    **With so many comments on this post, I felt it was important to provide those grieving the death of an ex-spouse a resource to help guide on how to cope with these emotions and deal with family members. **

    This guide offers support, and understanding, helps you speak to others, and a place to journal your thoughts and emotions.

    DOWNLOAD GUIDE

  • Compassion- an amazing trait you learn when you grieve

    “Compassion is an amazing trait you learn when you grieve” thoughts shared in this story of death, grief and the experience of a deep dark well.

    Living in the Bottom of a Well

    By Sheri Hall

    Sheri & baby Lily

    You look up you see a small circle of light-it is the way out. It is seemingly far away but closer than you think. It is very small; you do not want to look up. You look around at the stone walls that surround you, most would feel claustrophobic but not you. Here is where you can be you. Here is where you can feel sad, look sad, be sad without those around you being uncomfortable. The ones that see you down there might stop and yell. Are you ok? Or how are you? But they don’t want to hear the answer- so you tell them what they want to hear- I’m ok or I’m fine and they go on their way. Some bring you flowers and place them nicely in a circle around your well, this cheers them up, and this makes them feel like they are being sympathetic. Why flowers? Is it my birthday? Are we celebrating something? They look nice so now when you walk by my well, with me hiding in the bottom curled in a ball, not daring to look up. You do not feel so sad because you see all the beautiful flowers and think -Wow look at how many people care! That makes them feel better- those flowers do not cheer me up, I am not celebrating my childs death, when the flowers die I must throw them away, it is a task I cannot do nor want to do.

    I look around at my hole I have been thrown down; I do not want to climb out. Here I am comforted by my pain. Here I am not pretending. Here I am me.

    No one wants to go down a well; you may not be able to get out! But when you lose a child, when you hold them in your arms as they die, you fall down that well, at some point you wake up. You realize what has happened, it may be weeks, months or days, but it hits you like a brick, you are stuck at the bottom of this deep dark well. It echoes your cries, as well as your tears that fall to the cement floor like bombs. You re-live the most painful of memories down there. You want every one to stay out! This is not a problem since no one wants to join you down there; no one wants to see that pain. People tend to look at grief & tragedy as though-What if that happened to me?  They are not thinking of your pain. They want to cheer you up- they want to cook for you- which is very nice, but hard when you do not taste anything let alone want to eat. You shove the food in your freezer, you say thank you, and they feel better & go on their way. People say things like -I didn’t want to upset you, as though not mentioning it means you are not thinking about it. I have come to realize this society doesn’t cope well with death, everyone wants to acknowledge it once then for it to go away, some do not say anything at all to pretend like nothing happened, those are the selfish people. I have seen how I have become invisible to some or perhaps they don’t want to see me? Because they do not want to think about what happened to me. Some people think negativity breeds negativity- that could not be farther from the truth. Yes negative people are not fun to be around, but negative or more accurately -a tragedy is not caused by anything. It is life. Life is full of suffering, we all suffer at different times in life & how we deal with other people suffering really shows our true character. The best is to ask a person that is grieving about the person that died, because they do want to talk about them, they want you not to feel uncomfortable when they are being sad- because it is ok to be sad. Unfortunately we live in a world that prefers fake realities & big smiles over having to deal with or accept our feelings & hurts. So we simply do not talk about it. We cheer you up we bring you flowers.

    If we were able to grieve without being concerned of making others uncomfortable with our sadness, without being so concerned what we look like then maybe we would not feel like we were stuck in the bottom of a well. One day I will climb out to face the world. One day we all climb out. And one day when I walk past someone else stuck in a well I will join them, and help them cry because it is ok to be sad. All we can do is to learn how to be -How to be ourselves, how to be there for others.  Compassion is an amazing trait that you learn when you grieve.

  • No Need to Grieve Alone

    JoAnne, Linda, Pam
    JoAnne, Linda, Pam

    Last week my friend Pam was faced with the two year anniversary of her husband Denny’s death and she didn’t want to do it alone. She had asked our mutual friend Linda and myself to accompany her to light a candle at church in his memory and to share a meal with her which we did to celebrate Denny’s life.

    I was proud of Pam for asking for what she needed, and that was the support of friends who understood her loss, which both Linda and I did after losing our significant others and to not be alone.
    Often grief can be isolating and we feel like we have to cry and grieve alone. If you are reading this and grieving loss you will understand when I say that after a relatively short period of public mourning most people think you should have gotten over it and moved on and can’t imagine why you would be grieving two years later. Those of us on this journey through grief know this is not true. Grief takes time and grief takes work, grief can be a roller coaster of emotions and no one knows this journey until they reach it themselves.

    “One of the most important factors in healing from loss is having the support of other people, sharing your loss makes the burden of grief easier to carry. Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone.”

    Pam, Linda and I became friends as a result of our losses. We have been able to support one another because our losses were all years apart and our stages of grief have been different. We are able to share, support and provide strength and hope for the future.

    If you are unable to find your own support group whether it be a professional grief group or group of family or friends, here are some links that may offer help;
    Widow Match
    Grief Share

  • Grief is not meant to be rushed

    Sometimes people try to help by rushing you out of the grieving process back into the main stream of what your life was. People sometimes even say words like “You need to get back into life” but your life is forever changed by the transition of loss. The length of the grieving process is different for each person, and you know the grieving process needs to take place for healing to begin. This is not to say one should grieve forever and not move on with life, but grieve in your own way and while the healing takes place you will move on in your own pace. Life does go on and you will too in time.