Heartache To Healing

Tag: loss

  • What if loss is natural and can lead to growth?

    what-if-loss-is-natural-and-can-lead-to-growthWe all experience losses in life. You’re reading this because you have suffered a loss from the death of someone you loved. But think about all the losses that cause us to experience the same emotions of sadness, anger, uncertainty, depression, and denial. Many people have experienced loss of a marriage from divorce, loss of a job or loss of a pet to name a few.

    Last month I lost my home in a fire and the damage was great enough that I have relocated for the next 5-6 months while my home is being rebuilt. Thankfully no one was hurt, but I have experienced many of the emotions I mentioned above and my life has been disrupted by moving, insurance companies, having none of my personal things and endless phone calls and paperwork.

    Now every loss has degrees of pain, and the loss of my husband and mother were far more significant than my home but it is still a loss that needs to be acknowledged, requiring support family and friends along with my learning to get up each day and cope.

    Loss Brings Up Fears

    When my husband died I had fears about my future – how would I keep our business together, could I afford to keep our home, what would my life become in a year, two or five?   This was navigating unfamiliar territory just as I find myself in today.

    In the book “The Fear Cure” by Dr. Lissa Rankin she explores what makes us afraid to follow our callings, to say YES to that little voice that leads you to do brave things such as going to art school, or stepping into our life purpose. As I read her book I thought about how these same fears apply to loss. She illustrates what she calls 4 Fearful Assumptions:

    1. Uncertainty is unsafe
    2. I can’t handle losing what I cherish
    3. It’s a dangerous world
    4. I’m all alone

    No wonder we experience fear and often we can get stuck in that fear preventing us from relying on our strength and resilience to heal. We have a tendency to cling to what was rather than embrace the new things that could come into our lives. Loss is a universal experience and how we handle it determines the experience we will ultimately have.

    Dr. Rankin asks us to consider a loving universe, one that is conspiring to support us turning fear into hope & courage. (You can use the word God instead of universe if that feels more true for you.)

    Consider these ‘Four courage cultivating truths’
    by Dr. Rankin

    1. Uncertainty is the gateway to possibility
    2.  Loss is natural and can lead to growth – bear witness to loss of ours and others
    3. It’s a purposeful universe –
    4. We are all one – we are more interconnected than we thought

    These truths help you to be brave and provide you strength and resilience to heal your losses.

    We all need to mourn the passing of a loved one, loss of a job or marriage or a home and allow resilience to come in and support us.  To embrace big change in a healthy allows us to thrive again.   Will you choose to thrive and grow?

    Since my house burned down, I now have a better view, of the rising moon.” – Mizuta Masahide

  • Thoughts on Change

    p9040005smThis week while riding my bike I got to thinking about the word change and how it affects all of us who grieve loss.

    Change is inevitable, just as death is an inevitable part of life, but as I rode on through the beautiful bike trails around my home I wondered how do we accept or embrace change when it isn’t a change we ever wanted and in some cases change we didn’t expect to happen?

    Here are a few thoughts I came up with;

    – we usually sit in fear of the unknown, which is when the change is unexpected or unwanted (surrender to the unknown, even if you have to force yourself)

    – fear can paralyze us from moving (so do what you know how to do today and tomorrow the next step will be given)

    – change is uncomfortable (so breathe your way through it, yes lots of deep breaths, be conscience of letting go of fear)

    – Surrender to the fear, doubt and change ( out of surrender will come grace & a new you)

    – Sometimes change just requires some faith in knowing everything will be alright (this doesn’t mean you forget,  faith just asks that we believe in something greater than ourselves and our fear)


    “Life is change – Growth is optional – Choose Wisely.” – Karen Kaiser Clark

  • Courage To Heal Your Heart

    istock_000005337376xsmallI got to thinking this week on what it takes to heal your broken heart after a loss and the word that came to me was courage.  I know it isn’t always easy to get up each day and go on with life after suffering a loss of a loved one, it takes courage.  Here are a few thoughts to help you through;

    • Challenge yourself to be happy again
    • Be grateful for the life you have NOW
    • Time for change offers time to be creative, let your creativity blossom!
    • Celebrate who you are, might mean really getting in touch with yourself (what do you love about yourself that  you can celebrate today?)
    • Don’t feel this loss is an ending, look at the next step in your life and remember there are no “right steps” only the next step.
    • Courage means staying faithful, knowing life hold more for you
    • Having a courageous heart means your heart dares to believe in a happy future
    • I believe if you hang in and have courage the universe will meet you
    • Allow your heart to dive back into life, it takes courage
    • Share your gifts with the world, yes we all have gifts, what are yours?

    I wrote to you in a previous post about the courage two young widows have who started the American Widow Project. Through the loss of their husbands who were killed in Iraq Taryn Davis and Nicole Hart are making a difference in the lives of other women who are widows of war.  Here is a new video that is worth watching: CLICK

  • Lessons We Learn In Grief

    This posting is being shared by my new friend Diana Sebzda, Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in issues of anticipatory grief, grief and pet loss.

    WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO YOU WANT TO HAVE?

    When we lose someone we love, it is often our memories that sustain us and give us comfort, unless our memories are ones of regret.  How is it possible to have memories of regret?

    Think about the last time we had an argument with our loved one and went to bed angry, left the house, or didn’t speak for days.  Think about how we tend to take for granted those that are closest to us.  Think about the times we may have forgotten a birthday, an anniversary or a special date that was important to our loved one.  Think about how many times we did what we wanted to do without any thought or regard to whether our loved one would be interested in doing the same thing.  Then think about hearing the news that your loved one died suddenly.

    They are never coming back – they are gone forever.  Gone too are the opportunities we thought we had to make up from that argument, to say we’re sorry, to remember that special event, to ask our loved one “What would YOU like to do?”  Along with our feelings of grief and of missing them, we now have feelings of regret.  Typically when our loved ones are alive we have the time to make amends, to make things right.  What do we do when that opportunity is taken from us?

    These are the lessons we learn in grief.  We learn that we have no control over the future; people die all the time, in many different ways – sometimes suddenly.  Our loved one could walk out that door to go to work and never come back.  We can’t make ourselves crazy with the “not knowing what our future holds.”  So we have to take the lessons and learn from them.  We can’t take our loved ones for granted.  We have to appreciate them every day, while they are still here.  Don’t make the same mistakes twice.  Tell our loved ones that we love them, that they matter, and that they are important to us.  Even when we’re mad at them.  We know that anger doesn’t last forever – love them “through” the anger, in spite of the anger.  Try to make each day special for them.  Hold their hand, give them a hug or a kiss, give them your time, listen to them – really listen to them.  Create loving memories that will sustain us and give us comfort, after they have gone.

    Diana Sebzda, MA, LPC, CT

    http://dianasgriefsupport.blogspot.com

  • Global Grief Requires Healing

    Right now at this place in time I believe much of the world is experiencing grief from loss of jobs, income, savings and sense of self.  If you have lost a job you might feel a loss of your self-identity, isolated and alone.  These are all feelings that we go through when we experience loss.  We all know people experiencing this type of journey through grief and many people are mourning their losses outwardly.   We must mourn the loss in order to heal and move forward.

    Here are a few tips to share with anyone mourning;

    1. Acknowledge the  reality of the situation/loss

    2. By acknowledging you will reconcile and begin to heal/move forward

    3.  Let go of the identity of the lost job for instance and be open to receive a new identity

    4.  Get support from others, don’t feel guilty about asking for help.  By opening yourself to help you also open yourself to new opportunities.  Remember to ask for what you want.

    5,  Your loss may be physically and mentally demanding so be gentle and kind with yourself.  Take extra time for self care. Perhaps committed time for exercise, walking a massage or even just a haircut can improve our mood and self confidence.

    6.  Focus on things you’re good at, even if its in your spare time. Who know, perhaps it could turn into a job or some sort of extra income. If not, you are spending your time doing something you love and that nurtures you.

    7.  Break free from all the seriousness of your grief, give yourself permission to just be silly.  Afterall laughter is the best medicine.

    8.  Make a list of short term goals, things you can work on everyday that will lead you to feeling better about your loss.

    9.  Make a list of 2-3 people that you can turn to for help or mentoring and be sure they will be therew to support you. You will find those who don’t want to talk about your loss, so be sure whomever you chose is willing to listen and help you.

    10.  Be patient.  Be present and Be hopeful.